FOOTBALL FUNNIES

Thanks to Drogballs theredcauldron.blogspot.com/

TRANSFERS FOR DUMMIES

NORTHERN LAD:

Ee, I remember as if it were yesterday - well, it were yesterday, matter o'fact - I'd climbed up this great big hill outside our town. View from

t' top were like nothing on earth –

t' boarded up shops, closed down factories and

t' estate wi' t' joyriders doin' handbrake turns. Suddenly I heard a voice ;

t' local filth.

'Where's thee off to lad?'

'London.'

'Well, tha'll need thi sandwiches then, price o' things down there.

Off to be a rent boy are thee?'

'Aye.'

'Tha'll need plenty o' condoms an' all, this AIDS is rife. And remember to use a fresh syringe whenever thee jacks up.'

I looked up and tears were rolling down his face. 'I'm right sorry for you young folk,' he said. 'Nowt to look forward to. Not even bogus nostalgia when thee grows up.'

I 'ad to admit, he 'ad a point. Price o' butties down 'ere's outrageous.

FAT QUICKIES

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

Once upon a time, my waist and age were the same, now unfortunately, they still are.

Complaining burns calories, that’s why skinny women are such bitches.

I go to the refrigerator so many times at night; the neighbours think we have got a strobe light in the kitchen.

I’m a light eater…. As soon as it gets light, I eat.

How can I get rid of some ugly fat? Send her home to mother.

Why is a fat woman like a moped? They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on one.

JUST HOPE SHE'S NOT WAITING FOR YOU AT HOME

QUIZ (Answers in Comments)

1 The cast list is: Gary Cooper, Grace Kelly, Lloyd Bridges, Katy Jurado, Thomas Mitchell, Otto Kruger, Lon Chaney and Henry Morgan - what is the film?

2 What name links these actors; Billy Crystal, Clint Eastwood, Daniel Radcliffe and Michael Caine?

3 Which letter comes next in this sequence: Z X C V B N...?

4 Who is missing from this list: Daphne Blake, Fred Jones, Velma Dinkley, Norvile Rogers?

5 What links: Mary Ann Nichols, Annie Chapman, Elizabeth Stride, Catherine Eddowes and Mary Jane Kelly?

6 Patrick and Pippa Trench and Nick Swainey live either side of which family?

7 Rita Tushingham, Ralph Richardson, Rod Steiger, Alec Guinness, Julie Christie, Tom Courtenay and Omar Sharif appeared in which classic film?

8 What links: one of James Bond's bosses, Mick Jagger, Philip Marlowe, A Madonna hit, a resident of the Big Apple and Judy's Husband?

9 What links: Sylvester, Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse, Goofy, Michael Jackson and a Snooker Referee?

10 What links: Rigsby, Hermione Grainger, Sabrina the teenage witch, Postman Pat and Mrs Slocum?

HOW SIMPLE IS THIS?

Instead of stamping a star or some other stupid design on the back of your hand. Why don't nightclubs do this?

(click to enlarge)

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint?

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

December 09, 2002, United files for bankruptcy, Chapter 11 (is there any wonder?)

QUICKIES

One guy in the plane got up all of sudden and shouted “HIJACK” the passengers got scared and put their hands up …
.
..
.
.
.

From the other end someone shouted Hi John…

My mother rang me up the other day to tell me she'd just bought a wooden leg at a boot fair.
I asked her why she'd bought a wooden leg?

Her reply? She thought it'd make a good stocking filler!!

Q. How do you know Santa's a man?
A. Because he always turns up late, eats your food, drinks your booze, empties his sack, only comes once then fucks off before you wake up!

A man with no legs is waiting for a bus at the bus stop........
the bus pulls up and the busman smiles......
he says...."hello, how are you getting on?"

An Irish woman was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex.
Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and 1 Samsung but no Sieman was found.

What game did Sadam Hussain get for Christmas
Hang-man.

Elton John has written and recorded a special song to remember Saddam Hussein by -
its called -`Dangle in the wind

Saddam t-shirt for sale
its a bit tight round the neck but it hangs well...

Apparently James Brown is working in a shoe factory up in heaven he is now the godfather of sole.

Cabbie says to nun in his cab "my fantasy is to be sucked off by a Nun"
Nun says " Ok but you must b Catholic & single"
Cabbie says "I am"
so the nun sucks him off.
Cabbie starts to cry & says "forgive me sister I have sinned. I am married & I’m Jewish"
The nun says "that’s ok, I am Kevin and I’m on my way to a fancy dress party!!

AUSSIE SUMMER BY A POM...

August 31st

Just got transferred with work into our new home in Queensland, Australia!! Now this is a place that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:

Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th

Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th

I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat tomtit I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant cattle trucking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th

It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid cattle trucking place.

November 8th

If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to cattle trucking throttle him. cattle trucking heat! By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking cattle trucking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th

Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my cattle truckin arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my cattle trucking arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

November 10th

The weather report might as well be a cattle trucking recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and cattle trucking sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn cattle trucking place? Water rationing will be next so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the cattle trucking pool. Even the palms can't live in this cattle trucking heat.

November 14th

Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for
assaulting the stupid cattle trucker. cattle truck Mount Isa! What kind of a sick demented cattle trucking idiot would want to live here?

December 1st

WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are cattle trucking kidding!

I have been awarded the title of:

The Very Reverend Nortygordy the Crepuscular of Leg over Wallop

get yours here

www.masquerademaskarts.com/memes/peculiartitle.php

JOSES TECHNICOLOUR TRENCHCOAT

JIM'LL FIX IT....

HALEWOOD OLD PEOPLES HOME
Upper Hale Road
Hale Village
near Liverpool

Dear Jim’ll fix it,

I want to thank you for the lovely transistor radio you so kindly sent me. It is all the more wonderful that absolute strangers like yourself remembers old people like me. I am 80 years old and have been at the house for the past sixteen years. We are treated very kindly, but, the lonely hours are very hard to bear.

My room mate, Mrs James, has a radio, but will never let me listen to it and even switches it off when I come into the room. Now I have one of my very own.

My son and daughter are very nice and come to see me once a month, but, I know that they only come along from a sense of duty.

This is why your gift is all the more wonderful and thrilling to me as it was given out of compassion for a fellow human being. God bless you always.

Today Mrs. James radio went wrong and she asked me if she could listen to mine. I told her to fuck off.

Yours sincerely

Mary Grant.

IT'S COCKNEY INNIT, KNOW WOT I MEAN?

click to enlarge

AND A GOOD TIME WAS HAD BY ALL

TODAYS JOKES

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north/south latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees east/west longitude."
"You must be a scientist," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect those beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.

A man walks up to a pharmacist and asks for a box of condoms for his 14 year old daughter. The pharmacist is shocked and he replies "Are you telling me your 14 year old daughter is sexually active?".
"I wouldn't say active, she pretty much just lays there like her mother."

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.” The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?”
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for supper?”
She screams, “For the fourth time, I said chicken, you deaf bastard!”

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks. What is politics?
The dad says, "well son let me try to explain it this way"
I'm the bread winner of the family, so lets call me capitalism.
Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.
The nanny, we'll consider her the working class and your baby brother, The future.
Now, think about that and see if it makes sense.
So little Johnny goes off to bed thinking about what his dad has said. Later that night,he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So little Johnny goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he
peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning little Johnny says to his father: Dad I think that I understand the concept of politics now.
The father says "good son tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".
Little Johnny replies. Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class. The government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.

THE TRUTH ABOUT CELEBRITY RUMOURS

Richard Gere and the gerbil
Throughout the '80s, accusations of gerbiling (i.e. "coaxing a live gerbil into your rectum for the purposes of sexual pleasure") haunted several D-listers, including a news anchor in Philly and a Cleveland Browns linebacker, before permanently latching onto Gere, who was allegedly rushed to the hospital for emergency rodent removal. Hearsay ballooned into the most famous celebrity rumor in history when someone faxed dozens of Hollywood offices a fake ASPCA press release claiming that Gere had "abused" a gerbil. Since then, the legend has been passed around locker rooms and the writers' offices of animated series (South Park, Family Guy). Perhaps none of Gere's interviewers have had the guts to go there, or maybe there's some kind of publicist-issued fatwa, but Gere has never publicly addressed the rumor. Would you?

Suri Cruise is a scam
Does Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' larvum actually exist? Cruise is so strange, and Scientology so shadowy, that it's easy to imagine the whole thing is some kind of conspiracy. Not helping matters: Holmes's press-friendly, four-year pregnancy; the media-whorish couple's failure to exhibit their offspring in public for months after her birth; and the rumor that Tom Cruise auditioned a stable of actresses for the part of his wife (among them Jessica Alba, Keri Russell and Scarlett Johansson). Then Vanity Fair got the photos, the result of days of shooting around the Cruise estate, and the smiling, glassy-eyed features editor was on Larry King declaring that Cruise and Holmes are the best parents in the world and that Scientology "didn't come up" during the shoot. So for the first time in history, documentation only made the existence of the subject seem less true.

Nancy Reagan was a blowjob queen
According to Kitty Kelley's biography, the future first lady "was renowned in Hollywood for performing oral sex." Back when she was Nancy Davis, the actress reportedly went down on many an actor "not only in the evening but in offices. That was one of the reasons that she was very popular on the MGM lot." You have to shift your conception of '80s conservatives around a little to buy this, but it's worth the effort.

David Bowie's wife walked in on him and Mick Jagger having sex
Some have said that the rumor about Mick Jagger and David Bowie having an affair in the '70s was fueled by prurient homophobia. We prefer to think it became popular because it's fucking hot. Regardless, according to Snopes.com, the rumor was started by Angela Bowie on The Joan Rivers Show. Recently freed from a gag order against her ex-husband, Bowie told Rivers that "I caught him in bed with men several times. In fact, the best time I caught him in bed was with Mick Jagger." She also specified that the men were naked. David and Mick's lawyers quickly denied the story, after which the ex-Mrs. Bowie did some extreme backpedaling, saying they hadn't necessarily had sex just because they were naked in bed together. Then came this passage from her 1993 memoir Backstage Passes : ". . .when I walked into that room and found Mick and David together, I felt absolutely dead certain that they'd been screwing. It was so obvious, in fact, that I never even considered the possibility that they hadn't been screwing. . . I didn't have to look around for open jars of K-Y jelly."

Marilyn Monroe did porn
If a Marilyn Monroe porn reel existed, it's hard to imagine anyone who wouldn't want to see it. Does it? According to FBI files turned up by The Smoking Gun, Joe DiMaggio once tried to purchase a "French-type" movie of "Marilyn Monroe, deceased actress, in unnatural acts with an unknown male." And in 1980, a Swedish photographer unearthed a silent reel from 1948, featuring an awkward young actress with a striking resemblance to Monroe. After intense scrutiny by everyone from the American Film Institute to Penthouse, the film is still a mystery: no one can be certain that the actress is Marilyn. Does it matter?

Hilton mothers give their daughters sex lessons
Kathy Hilton taught her daughter Paris not to perform fellatio because it would put "holes" in her cheeks, according to Jerry Oppenheimer, author of the exposé House of Hilton. A tradition of sex lessons amongst the Hilton women supposedly originated with Kathy's mother; a source in Oppenheimer's book claims Big Kathy wanted her daughter to know "all about sex, and how to perform sex, literally the best possible way." To that end, Grandma Hilton allegedly asked a young man to teach her Kathy how to have sex in a van in the front of their house. Although this is probably all spurious and mean-spirited invention, House of Hilton sounds like a pretty awesome book.

John Lennon had an affair with Brian Epstein
According to Albert Goldman's book, The Lives of John Lennon, the Beatle had an affair with the band's manager and close friend, Brian Epstein, from 1963 until Epstein's death in 1967. Two other authors, Peter Shotten and Hunter Davies, claimed that Lennon and Epstein had sex but not a long-term relationship. Lennon denied the rumor, telling Playboy in 1980 "it was never consummated, but we had a pretty intense relationship." Lennon's ex-wife Cynthia also refuted the claim in her memoir, John, saying, "[Like] most lads at the time, [John] was horrified by the idea of homosexuality."

Mick, Marianne and the Mars Bar
In 1967, police raided a party at Keith Richards' estate and supposedly found Mick Jagger chowing a Mars Bar out of Marianne Faithfull's nay-nay. A delicious, nougaty rumor, for sure, but according to Faithfull's autobiography, the story is nothing but "a cop's idea of what people do on acid." Chris Gibbs, one of Richards' guests, said that the cops never kicked down the door, but knocked and were admitted into "a scene of pure domesticity," in which Faithfull was wearing a towel. Faithfull's long, high-profile relationship with Jagger in the '60s no doubt only added grist to the mill. In fairness to the cops, Faithfull admitted to giving them "a quick flash.

J. Edgar Hoover cross-dressed
FBI director J. Edgar Hoover was such a mean son-of-a-bitch it's no surprise that people whispered about him. Rumors that Hoover was gay or a cross-dresser have circulated for decades; one claim comes from Anthony Summers' 1993 biography Official and Confidential: The Secret Life of J. Edgar Hoover. Susan Rosenstiel, the ex-wife of liquor-industry chair Lewis Rosenstiel, claimed she had seen Hoover in a dress, stockings, heels and wig at a party hosted by gadfly lawyer Roy Cohn. This seems fairly unlikely; historian Athan Theoharis notes that anyone as secretive and power-obsessed as Hoover would never have been so blatant about a predilection that could be embarrassing. We may never know the truth.

Prince Harry's father is not Prince Charles
It was clear — and tacitly accepted — that after only a few years of marriage, Prince Charles and Princess Diana were cheating on each other. Prince Harry was born in September 1984, and after the public glimpsed his puglike features and red hair, rumors began to circulate that he was the product of Diana's affair with army officer Major James Hewitt. Diana publicly admitted her liaison in 1995, but insisted that she met Hewitt too late for him to be Harry's father. Hewitt too claims that he first met Diana in May of 1986, when Harry was twenty months old. Simone Simmons, a former close friend of the Princess, wrote Diana: The Last Word, a book serialized in The Sun. In it, she clamed that Diana was forced to carry out paternity tests on both Harry and his brother, Prince William. The tests reportedly showed that both boys were fathered by Prince Charles.

For more visit www.nerve.com/dispatches/nerveeditors/40celebrityrumors/01/

DO WHITE KIDS GET ONE TO???

A REAL PASSPORT.... HOW DOES THAT WORK???

SOLVE THE RIDDLE

Answer: click on comments

TODAYS JOKES

A new bar in Melbourne had a new robotic bartender installed. It could not only dispense drinks flawlessly, but also, like any bartender, engage in appropriate conversation.
A man enters the bar, orders a drink.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, then, asks him:
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "150."
And the robot proceeds to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, etc.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him:
"What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "100."
And immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about the Football, Holdens, Beer, Supermodels, etc.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.
He goes back in, the robot serves him, asks:
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "50."
And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for John Howard again?"

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition
that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for
this report:
Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose , their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica , their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill .
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose 's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica .
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica 's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Monica .
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica ...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary ..basically the same thing.

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife,
"Where's the rake?".
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back,
"What?".
I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said,
"What?".
I repeated the gestures: "EYE KNEE THE RAKE".
My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her bum, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her,
"What the hell was that?".
She replied
"EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

TOP TIPS

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA GOERS: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

RED WINE DRINKERS: Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night of drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking Out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR THIEVES:Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE MEN: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

SPOT THE FROG AGAIN...LOOK CAREFULLY

TODAYS JOKES

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi that was just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing

was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect

man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow."

A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Lookner for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the same dentist a few years before

"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"
The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it hit me right in the bollocks."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have t o do with your dentures?"

The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions". "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes hrough three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

“A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

MY NEW REMOTE CONTROL IS PERFECT

SEMI NAKED WOMEN BEHIND MY HOUSE...

At the rear of the house where I live there is a national park, it has always been peaceful, but lately a group of women have been there. I can only assume they are trying to get fit or something, because they keep taking their clothes off. I've had enough, it's not that I am Gay or anything, but please it's not right for young boys to see things like this. I'm going to phone the council and put a stop to it. Anyway, I have taken some photographs to prove to them what is going on.

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RACIAL QUICKIES

Why do Black people have names like something out of the chemists? “My name is Advil, this is my wife Cloret. Hey Tynenol, would you turn down the TV, it’s givin’ me a headache, and these are the twins Murene and Visine….

My friend is a Sicilian, he tells me not all Sicilians are in the mob, some are in witness protection.

There are now reports that France may agree to train Iraqi soldiers. Why? I thought Iraqis already knew how to surrender.

According to the Australian Department of Agriculture, Australians are eating four times as much Chinese food as it did 20 years ago. Well, of course, we have four times as many Chinese people.

Experts at Guinness have announced that a man in Ireland has set a new world record for having the most cement blocks smashed on his groin. The old record was none.

Jesus had a Jewish mother. She said "If you don't finish the Last Supper.
You don't get any Last Dessert!"

The Black, Gay, Women's Liberation, Communist Caucus withdrew its invitation for Jane Fonda to address the group, saying the actress was too controversial.

Remember the world is a big place. Even if you're one in a million, that means 1000 people in China look exactly like you.

Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest

Opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't now what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

I'M NOT SURE IF THESE ARE REAL?....DUH!!!

HANDLESS SHOE TYING

FROM A WOMANS POINT OF VIEW

My husband and I used to fight about those nights out with the boys, I don’t know why, it’s not like I did it every night.

I went to a fancy dress party as my mother…. I put on high heels, bad make up and I criticized everyone who spoke to me.

When I was a kid, Halloween was great fun. I used to go out dressed as a tramp…. High heel shoes, short skirts and fishnet stockings.

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, how about cheap and baldy.

When it came to lovemaking, what my husband lacks in size, he makes up for in speed.

I fall in love far too easily; the last guy couldn’t handle it. I’m like “I love you, I’m willing to move into your place, I want your children.” He’s like “Thanks lady, but could you please just give me the $10 for the pizza, and I’ll be going”.

I’m a secretary, on a good day I type 95 words a minute, on a bad day, I turn up drunk dressed in my pyjamas.

I discovered that there are things you should teach a two year old child, like don’t touch a hot stove, don’t pull lamps off tables and definitely don’t wake Mummy before Noon.

I’ve got fat knees, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I’ve reached the age where my biological clock is giving me the finger.

I was in the supermarket, when I saw a sign saying FEMININE NEEDS. “At last” I said, “A shop that sells handsome, well hung guys, who call when they say they will, and know how to cook”.

NEW DRINKING WORDS

DE-BONED - To become so drunk you appear not to have any skeletal structure to hold you up.

DEJA BOOZE - When an infrequently enjoyed drink reminds you of the last time you enjoyed it. As in, “This margarita reminds me of when I was partying in Tijuana, just before I vomited on myself, picked a fight with the bartender and got thrown in the clink. Good times, good times.”

DRINK SHRINK - Those who, after a few drinks, discover they have the ability to psychoanalyze and offer solid personal advice to their friends and/or strangers.

FUGLY BUS - The mysterious bus that whisks away all the ugly people from the bar and replaces them with their beautiful cousins while you’re in the bathroom draining your tenth pint.

JUMPING ON THE GRENADE - When two groups of the opposite sex meet, one member “jumps on the grenade” by talking to (or possibly sleeping with) the least attractive member of the other group so as to ensure the success of the rest of the group.

KAMIKAZE EYES - The look a drunk gets when he spies someone he always hated but never had the guts to fight. Until now.

PAVEMENT PIZZA - Vomit on the sidewalk, often found outside bars.

SKINFLINT SPRINT - The fast walk a departing patron employs after he’s left the cocktail waitress a less-than-generous tip on the table.

ALCOHEIMERS. the inability to remember what happened while drinking the night before.

BARF-LIES. post-vomiting affirmations that you will never drink again.

HALFWAY TO HEAVINGTON . half drunk.

HURDLING IN THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS. to trip over furniture while drunk.

NIGHTINGALE . someone who nurses a drink for an extended period of time; a reference to the legendary nurse Florence Nightingale.

SOCIAL LUBRICANTITUS . the inability to enjoy an event without the presence of alcohol.

STRANGE PICTURES 1