LAMB ON AUSTRALIA DAY

YORKSHIRE AIRLINES

COMPUTER GIF'S

PRAWN JOKE

Two prawns are best friends and swimming around in the sea.
One is called Justin, the other one is called Christian.

It's pretty boring being a prawn, so they were swimming around, disscussing what it would be like to be a shark. "I'd love to be a shark." said Christian. "Yeah, me to." said Justin. "It'd be a lot of fun."

"Anyway, I've got to go " said Christian. "See you".
So Justin is swimming home, still wondering what it would be like to be a shark, when he comes across a cod. "So you want to be a shark?" Said the cod. "Yeah" said Justin "Howd you know that?" "I am a magic cod and if you wish it, I can make you a shark."

Justin though about it, and decided to go ahead with it.

The next day Justin wakes up and discovers he is a shark. He decides to go tell all of his friends but when he gets to all of them, they run away. "No No!! Go away!!!" The they all said, even Christian.

So Justin is now swimming around, depressed that he hasn't got any friends when he comes across cod again.

"Change me back" he said in desperation. "Alright" says the cod.

So the next day Justin wakes up and finds he is a prawn again. He is so exited he goes to tell his friends.

"No! Go away Justin, you'll eat me!" says Christian

"No, you don't understand!" says Justin

"I've changed, I found cod, I'm a prawn again Christian!"

MOODS OF MEN AND WOMEN

Stretchy Skin Man

THE ULTIMATE DRUNK PEOPLE COMPILATION VIDEO EVER!!!

GOD HAS SPOKEN

Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other,

"Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand."

Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His name has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in what He called "an unending cycle of violence."

"I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a person tells you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don't care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else's, ever again."

"I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you'd get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important," said God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. "I guess I figured I'd left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?"

"But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know, somebody's spouting off some nonsense about, 'God says I have to kill this guy, God wants me to kill that guy, it's God's will,'" God continued. "It's not God's will, all right? News flash: 'God's will' equals 'Don't murder people.'"

God

HOLD IT IN BOY...

MEET THE FAMILY

MODERN WORDS

Beer Coat:
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC:
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

Bone of Contention:
A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

Aussie Kiss:
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Breaking the Seal:
Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Cider Visor:
Beer Goggles for the young drinker.

Cliterature:
1-handed reading material.

Cock-A-Doodle-Poo:
The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick.

Crappuccino:
The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.

Double Bass:
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other.

The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

Etch-A-Sketch:
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

Fizzy Gravy:
or Rusty Water. Diarrhoea.

Flogging On:
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

Frigmarole:
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

FuckShitFuckShitFuckShit:
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

Going For a McShit:
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.

Greyhound:
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

Hand-to-Gland Combat:
A vigorous masturbation session.

Hefty Cleft:
or Horse's Collar, or Welly Top. Description of a very large vagina.

McSplurry:
The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast food restaurants.

Millennium Domes:
The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.

Monkey Bath:
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".

Mystery Bus:
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Mystery Taxi:
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NBR:
No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.

Picasso Arse:
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks.

Sperm Wail:
A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

Starfish Trooper:
or Arsetronaut. A homosexual.

10-Pinter:
Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

2-Bagger:
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)

Titanic:
A lady who goes down first time out.

Todger Dodger:
A lesbian.

Wank Seance:
During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

X-Piles:
Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

GIRLS NIGHT OUT

Daughter: My friends and I want to go out tonight.

Mother: Where are ya'll going ?

Daughter: To the cowboy bar on the edge of town.

Mother: I'm don't think you should. There's been a lot of trouble at that place. I heard there was a fight there last weekend, and several people got hurt.

Daughter: But mom!! Please!! It'll be okay.

Mother: No, your life is more important than going out.

Daughter: But Tiny is going with us...

Mother: Well, in that case, it should be okay.. Ya'll have fun!

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HOW THE FUTURE LOOKED IN 1979

click picture to enlarge

This page (found at Cynical-C) is from the 1979 book Future Cities: Homes and Living into the 21st Century. It described “the electronic household.” Click the picture to see it full-size. It said in the 21st century, we would enjoy huge flat-screen TVs, discs for recording and playing back TV shows, videocameras (with rerecordable tape instead of film!), electronic mail, videophones, and robots to serve drinks. Four of the six predictions are now common in the living rooms (and bedrooms) of people who can afford them.

The robot who serves our drinks is still a novelty in development. Someone somewhere figured out it was much simpler just to store cold drinks in the living room, or in my case, put a coffeemaker in the bedroom. Besides, a child or a spouse is less likely to trip over the carpet while delivering your Red Bull.

The videophone is available, but never caught on for good reasons. When you are in the comfort of your home, you don’t want to put on makeup, or even clothing, just to answer the phone. For those of us who are domestically-challenged, it’s not worth cleaning up the room, either. The guy in the picture probably wouldn’t even answer the phone, considering that awful tracksuit-and-boots combination he’s wearing!

20 UGLIEST CELEBRITIES

Michael Jackson

Did you really expect anyone else? Michael Jackson used to be a successful black singer, but took it upon himself to destroy his face and reputation. He now looks like an albino alien whose nose appears to change on a daily basis. Just goes to show you what can happen if you are too critical of your looks... you can end up an albino alien like Mike.

Marilyn Manson

Seriously ... what the hell happened to this kid? From the ghostly white makeup you can see on his black collar to the funky blue eye and blood red lips ... Marilyn Manson is a freak and there's nothing more to say, he's ugly by choice. And not only is he ugly, but he scares the crap out of us.

Jocelyn Wildenstein

Holy crap! This is what happens when you get obsessed with plastic surgery. A wealthy socialite from Switzerland, Jocelyn is actually a celeb for being so ugly. Her extreme appearance has led to the press giving her the nickname "The Bride of Wildenstein," a reference to The Bride of Frankenstein. Wildenstein has allegedly spent almost US$4,000,000 on cosmetic surgery over the years, all payed by her husband, the billionaire international art dealer Alec Wildenstein.

Michael Berryman

No, it is not make-up. This actor born in LA, suffers from Hypohidrotic Ectodermal Dysplasia (a rare condition leaving him with no sweat glands, hair, fingernails or teeth). He played Pluto in Wes Craven's 1977 horror film The Hills Have Eyes. He has also appeared in numerous science fiction and fantasy movies such as My Science Project (1985), Weird Science (1985), Armed Response (1986) and Evil Spirits (1990). He also appeared in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and The Devil's Rejects. Berryman generally portrays mutant bikers, evil undertakers, monsters and other frightening characters. He has also starred in episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation and The X-Files.

DJ Qualls

Ok, we are going to be really mean again, since he's actually ugly for a another terrible reason. We're actually happy to see he has turned it into a good thing, just like Berryman. Qualls also suffered from a rare condition: Hodgkin's lymphoma, a form of cancer, at age 14. After two years of surgery (including the removal of his spleen), chemotherapy, and radiation treatments, Qualls's cancer went into remission, which lent him his famous thin stature. In 1997, he enrolled at Nashville's Belmont University. At a performance in a local theatre he was discovered by David LaChapelle and became... a model!! Yes, a model, for Prada and Calvin Klein. He then got famous for his role on the movie "Road Trip".

Marty Feldman

And yet another terrible case. Marty Feldman (1934 – 1982) was an English writer, comedian and BAFTA award winning actor, notable for his bulging eyes, which were the result of a thyroid condition known as Graves Disease. He wrote situation comedies such as The Army Game, Bootsie and Snudge for the BBC and later had a series of his own on the BBC called Marty. He also appeared in The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother and Mel Brooks' Silent Movie, as well as directing and starring in The Last Remake of Beau Geste. He guest-starred in the "Arabian Nights" episode of The Muppet Show.

Clint Howard

No weird disease this time, he's just plain ugly. But then, again, it is probably what made him famous. Born in 1959, the actor appeared in Cocoon, Steve Martin's Parenthood, EdTV, Apollo 13, Austin Powers, That Thing You Do among others. In 1998, Howard was awarded the MTV Lifetime Achievement Award. He got married twice, just to show you that looks don't matter.

Shane MacGowan

This Irish musician is best known as the original singer and songwriter with The Pogues, and is considered one of the most important and poetic Irish songwriters of the last thirty years. A great find for our list... he's terribly horrible.

Lyle Lovett

Lyle Lovett has to have some good blackmail on someone. Otherwise, how in the hell did he ever get into acting? And the fact that Julia Roberts married this beast makes us think she's not only nuts, but ugly too. Tell us one thing that you find attractive about this man ... go on. Then we'll laugh at you.

Kelis

Holy hell ... Kelis is not bringin' any boys to the yard looking like that. There have been rumors that she is really a man, and quite frankly we are thinking something's not right with this chick. Every time we see her she has her mouth open and looks like she's ready to eat us. She's scary. Next time we see her, we are looking for the Adam's apple.

Iggy Pop

Rock singer, songwriter, and occasional actor, he is sometimes referred to by the nicknames "the Godfather of Punk". Iggy Pop was the lead singer of The Stooges, a late 1960s/early 1970s garage rock band who were influential in the development of the nascent heavy metal and punk rock genres. The Stooges became infamous for their live performances, during which it was not uncommon for Iggy Pop to leap off the stage (in fact, he was among the first to "stage dive"), smear raw meat (and on one occasion peanut butter) over his chest and/or cut himself with broken bottles. So this is how you get ugly by being nut.

Steven Tyler

Dude looks like a zombie. He's a great singer, a cool guy, the daddy of one of the hottest girls on hollywood, plus all the money and women one could ever dream of... and yet... ugly as hell.

Courtney Love

Drugs don't make people pretty... and this woman is about as ugly and classless as it can get.

Donatella Versace

Oh, how the years go by. Yes, she's talented, famous and rich, but... she's now ugly as hell!

Amy Winehouse

English soul, jazz, and R&B singer and songwriter, she's another drug victim. Now, get this: she has a number of "old school" tattoos of naked women on her body. When asked about them, she was quoted as saying "I like pin-up girls. I'm more of a boy than a girl in that way. I'm not a lesbian, though — not before a sambuca anyway. And the she said she would own a beauty salon once her singing schedule calms down... that's a must.

Ronaldinho

Probably the world's best soccer player at this time, Ronaldinho might be one of the funniest, honest, and nicest celebs around... but he's also one of the ugliest. This brazilian is certainly saving his huge salary for something other than helping his image.

Kelly Osbourne

"Uh, I'm ugly." Yeah, we know Kelly. The British accent is cute and we love that she is all about being an individual, but quite frankly Kelly Osbourne's annoying and a brat. And we're not picking on her weight, because it fluctuates and we don't care. Weight really can't change whether you are ugly or not. And Kelly is on our list!

Tori Spelling

Tori Spelling must be thanking her daddy for helping her get into the acting business 'cause there is no other way she would EVER have made it. Thanks Aaron Spelling for ruining our lives! Sometimes you hope someone will grow on you after awhile, but even now when we see Tori on TV we immediately switch the channel. Yeah, it's that bad. And don't even get us started on her acting.

Rosie O'Donnell

Rosie O'Donnell is a bully, but it's not the bad temper what got her on our list... she's ugly, plain and simple.

Rachel Dratch

Don't get us wrong: we love Rachel. Her SNL sketches are hilarious, she's a great actress. But we are sorry to say she truly earned the last place on our list.


thanks http://www.oddee.com/