A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabbie if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabbie tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the light, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the SS Commodore I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Melbourne Storm season tickets. He paid for our house at Portsea. He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly mortgage!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side t he husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do, if you were me?" The cabbie replied, "I'd cover his arse up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"
Two gay guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman. As the cop tried to arrest them for their act of public indecency, they bolted away. The cop ran after them and managed to catch one of them.
He told him, "When I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove this nightstick right up his ass.
"Just then a voice calls out.
"Yoo-hoo officer. I'm over here behind the tree."
Akmed came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.
The doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was it?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."
A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn't been home for so long.
She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week." The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?" "I’m just here to make them some sandwiches."
Two elderly ladies were in the supermarket at a long checkout line.
They were discussing hair care.
Apparently the husband of one of them had a particularly bad case of dandruff.
The other one said,
"My husband used to have that problem until I gave him Head and Shoulders.
And that cured it."
The other one thought for a minute, and with a puzzled look replied,
"How do you give shoulders?"
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light.
The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer.
The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "battleship mouth and rowboat ass".
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation.
He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer then removes his mirrored sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guy's face and said, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an asshole!"
Three months later they are in court.
The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross-examination, the defense attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH', underlined."
Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."
Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"
Officer: "Yes, Sir?"
Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
Officer: "Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do."
