TODAYS JOKES

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north/south latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees east/west longitude."
"You must be a scientist," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect those beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.

A man walks up to a pharmacist and asks for a box of condoms for his 14 year old daughter. The pharmacist is shocked and he replies "Are you telling me your 14 year old daughter is sexually active?".
"I wouldn't say active, she pretty much just lays there like her mother."

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.” The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?”
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for supper?”
She screams, “For the fourth time, I said chicken, you deaf bastard!”

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks. What is politics?
The dad says, "well son let me try to explain it this way"
I'm the bread winner of the family, so lets call me capitalism.
Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.
The nanny, we'll consider her the working class and your baby brother, The future.
Now, think about that and see if it makes sense.
So little Johnny goes off to bed thinking about what his dad has said. Later that night,he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So little Johnny goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he
peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning little Johnny says to his father: Dad I think that I understand the concept of politics now.
The father says "good son tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".
Little Johnny replies. Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class. The government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.