I SAW CHUBBY IN MELBOURNE A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO

How can you tell if its your turn to do the washing up?
Look down at your trousers, …… if you've got a dick it’s not your turn

Two terrorist women in long Arabic dress, one turns to the other "does my bomb look big in this?"

For his birthday, I sent Stevie Wonder a cheese grater.....
...two days later he tells me that was the most violent book he's ever read

What turns a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDs.

What do you call an elephant with a spade?
Dawn French

I was wrecked last night , I was on whiskey and carrot juice!!,
I couldn't stand up , but could see for fuckin’ miles in the dark!!

An Irish bloke catches his son doing Cocaine he says to him do that again and ill rub your fucking nose in it.

Irish ram raider ran out of petrol chasing a mobile shop

What’s got 8 legs and a big black cunt?
The A Team

Bought myself a sex doll the other day! turned out it was a Muslim one. It blew it's fucking self up

Bin Laden is in a field shagging a sheep,
two blokes are stood at the gate to the field and watch as bin laden moves onto another sheep and starts shagging it.
Fuckin hell one bloke says to the other, how can Bin Laden get away with shagging them sheep?
Its ok I think there islam's

What makes the Avon lady walk funny.
Her lips stick.

This man is up in court, and the judge says to him “have you anything else to say in your defence”?
The man says “fuck all your honour”.
The judge turns to the man’s solicitor and says “what did he just say”?
The solicitor says “he said, fuck all your honour”.
The judge says “don’t be a cunt I saw his lips move”.

I got a new blow up doll the other day, but, I took it back and said to the bloke “its got a cock”. He said “it’s inside out you fat bastard”.

JOKES OF THE DAY 4/05

A man staying at a hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a nearby phonebox. Back at the hotel he rings the number and a lady with a silky soft voice asks if she can be of assistance.
The guy says he wants a blow job + regular + doggie + some bondage and finishing with a pearl necklace, then asks her "what do you think?"
The lady says 'That sounds really good and I'd like to oblige but if you press 9 first you'll get an outside line.'

A Pakistani stops a guy in the centre of Sydney.
He says, "Can you tell me where The Opera House is, or should I go fuck myself again?"


A man with a fetish for very large women walks into a brothel. When asked what he wants, he says 'I want a really large woman - as big as possible.' He is shown this enormous woman, but he shakes his head - 'nope, not fat enough. Get someone bigger than that.' He is shown another, even more enormous woman. 'Nope, still not big enough, I tell you what - give me the biggest woman you have!' He is shown the biggest woman who works in the brothel. She is unbelievably big - 'That's more like it!' He is taken off to a room by the woman, and presently is on top of her going about satisfying his sexual desires. After a few minutes of heaving and groaning, he suddenly stops and says to the woman -
'Sorry. Do you mind if I turn the light off?' to which the woman replies
'It's me, isn't it? I'm so big that you find me unattractive.' to which the man replies -
'No, not at all! I think you're a very attractive woman. It's just that the light bulb's burning my arse!'


A guy sits down at the bar, orders a drink and holds his head in his hands. When the bartender comes back, the guy is swearing softly under his breath and shaking his head.
"Hey Bob, what's happening?" asks the bartender.
"I'm in DEEP SHIT," replies the customer. "I just got caught screwing my neighbour."
"Oh wow!" says the barman, "Who caught you? Your wife?"
"No said the customer, "HIS wife!"

SWIMMER WITHOUT ANY ARMS 'INCREDIBLE'

click here www.break.com/index/nohands.html

MILK IS GOOD FOR YOU

OUR NEW HOUSE

Things were progressing really well on the construction of our new house, until the painter decided to put his new apprentice on the job. Now I can't get anyone to go back to work....
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CLICK TO ENLARGE

LESBIAN REALITY

FICTION

FACT

AL'S FAVOURITE ONE LINERS

Answer phone message

If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that he

Couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in, by a strong current.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.

Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

HERE'S AL WITH JANET

SATURDAYS AND SUNDAYS AT OUR HOUSE

I DON'T MIND MY WIFE HAVING A FEW GIRLS AROUND ON SATURDAY NIGHT, BUT....
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IT'S ALL THAT WASHING UP ON A SUNDAY MORNING

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WHO'S THE BOSS?

CLICK TO ENLARGE

RUDE SNOOPY

CLICK STRIP TO ENLARGE

WALK INTO A BAR JOKES...

Four fonts walk into a bar, The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Where's the bartender?"

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

This bloke walked into a pub, and said to his mate "your round." The Other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I think I've lost an electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

DEAL OR NO DEAL

If you want to play the TV game just click here kimberley-walsh.co.uk/arcade/dond.html

Thanks to Gareth for letting me use this game for my website

JAMES BLUNT PARODY

If you can't see it click here www.youtube.com/watch?v=thtmaZnxk_0

PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED...

HERE IS A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED, USE IT BEFORE BED EVERY NIGHT

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the arse that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work:- 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday.
And remember... when I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my arm and smack the arsehole in the mouth

JOIN THE AUSTRALIAN ARMY

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!!
You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Jill

10 QUICKIES ABOUT.....

MY SEX LIFE.....

My wife -- we have no sex life. Her favourite position is back-to-back.

Last week my wife told me from now on we were going to have Olympic sex.

You know, once every 4 years.

With my wife, I gave up. The other night, I told her, "You win, you're the boss. When it comes to sex, it'll be in your hands." She said, "You're wrong, it'll be in your hands."

I remember the first time I had sex with my wife. I said to her, "On the scale of 1 to 10, how do you rank me as a lover?" She said, "I can't. I'm no good at fractions."

To me Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a 2-minute ride.

I'm so ugly, when I told the doctor I wanted a vasectomy, he told me with a face like mine, I didn't need one.

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."

"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects."

"My best birth control now is to leave the lights on."

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."

WHY WE HAVE TWO HANDS

WHY BOYS HAVE TWO HANDS

WHY GIRLS HAVE TWO HANDS

MY OWN NINJA

IF you want one of your own click here tools.fodey.com/generators/animated/ninjatext.asp

GENERATORS

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT GENERATORS ARE... THEY ARE WEB PAGES THAT PRODUCE LETTERS, SIGNS, NAMES ETC. FOR YOU... HERE ARE A COUPLE I LIKE.

PRODUCE A DEAR JOHN LETTER www.chickenhead.com/stuff/dearjohn/index.asp

YOUR NAME IN JAPANESE www.rcs.k12.va.us/csjh/japanesename.htm

MAKE AN AMERICAN LICENCE PLATE www.acme.com/licensemaker/

MAKE A MUGSHOT OF M. JACKSON www.alexanderband.dk/dragson/index.htm

CREATE A DRAWING www.zefrank.com/scribbler/

GIRLS AND THEIR CARS

CLICK ON PHOTO TO ENLARGE

JOKES OF THE DAY 1/05

After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibre, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, an Irish newspaper reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 meters, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology."

A magician accidentally turned his wife into a sofa and his two kids into
armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, "What on earth have I done?"
He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family? I don't know any magic to turn them back into people! So, he thought
for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital
and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loaded
them into his van and off he rushed to the local hospital.
He walked up and down the hospital hall and after some serious surgery,
he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they?"
The doctor replied, "Comfortable!"

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed,
"Mum"
With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands..... It read:-
Dear Mum:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you & Dad .
I've been finding real passion with Barbara and she is so nice even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mum, she's pregnant and she assures me that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her since she is so much older than I am, she already owns a trailer in the Moe and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Barbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we need.
In the meantime, we pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Barbara can get better; she deserves it!
Don't worry, Mum, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your Son,
Andy x

P.S. Mum, none of this is true. I am over at Ben’s house, but I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my school report. Which, is in my bedside drawer.
I love you!

GREAT JIGSAW PUZZLE

TO FINISH THE PUZZLE, JUST LEFT CLICK AND DRAG

STEVIE'S CARLSBERG AD

Watch Stevie and the boys advertise Carlsberg

CLICK HERE


www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3kTqri2vT0