PARIS WE LOVE YOU

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT, BUT IT INTIGUES ME.

If you are intrigued click here:

www.bsimple.com/newcrowd.htm

SOME QUICKIES

I had a car crash the other day I went right up someone's arse.
The driver got out and happened to be a dwarf
He said to me "I'm not happy"
I said "Why which one are you?"

I work for the Samaritans, I tried to call in sick this morning but the fuckers talked me out of it...

I was offered a job yesterday 500 pound a week working for the leprosy society so I snatched his hand off.

An Irish family have been found frozen to death outside the Dublin Odeon. They have been queuing for 3 weeks to see "Closed for the Winter"

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk-bed collapsed.
They are blaming it on Al-Ikea.

What do you call a paki with pink hair? Ghandi floss

2 dicks walk into a bank shouting hands up this is a dick up!
The next minute a vibrator walks in and one of the dicks says “oh fuck its Robocock!”

A pregnant Dublin girl phones her mum
”Ma I tink me water's just broke “
Mum-“Jaysus Luv where ya ringin from?”
Girl-From me fanny to me ankles

I met my wife in a bar, I was stunned…… I thought she was home minding the kids.

My wife thinks I’m too nosey. At least that’s what it says in her diary.

When she sleeps my wife sprawls out, and takes up the whole bed. So last night I went nuts, I woke her up and screamed “Will you move over? I’m fed up of only getting 2 inches in this bed” she looked at me calmly and said “Join the club”.

BRITISH FAMILY PLANNING

BUSH CONDOMS

PERSONAL LUBRICANT

Just look at this advert again, it is for a French KY Jelly, looks innocent enough, but think about the bollards and think about the product....Get it??

SERENITY

WANTED

NO SEX TONIGHT

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

STUPID CARTOON

THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did...






FIRST TESTIMONY:



I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.





SECOND TESTIMONY:



I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."







THIRD TESTIMONY:



My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.







FOURTH TESTIMONY:



While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.







FIFTH TESTIMONY:



Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.

The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".

I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!







LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:



This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!