Ninja!

Saturday, July 05, 2008

HOW OLD IS THIS GIRL???




Mummy's little Lolita: The girl whose beauty treatments cost £300 a month to make her look like Barbie

She wore her first set of false eyelashes at eight, and her beauty treatments cost £300 a month. A sick abuse of an 11-year-old? 'No', insists Sasha's mother, 'I just want her to be famous...'

At 11, Sasha Bennington is too young to remember the days when Jordan was just a country and being branded 'fake' was something to be ashamed of.

But maybe the youngster's biggest tragedy is that her mother, Jayne, 31, is in no hurry to paint a picture of how it used to be.

All about the look: Sasha Bennington is just 11 but her mother loves the way she looks

Jayne is talking breezily about how Sasha had her first set of false nails glued on at eight, and now enjoys the sort of rigorous beauty regime - hair extensions, fake tans, pedicures - that was once the preserve of porn stars and Dolly Parton, not school children from Burnley in Lancashire.

Still, times have changed. 'All the kids are at it now,' insists Jayne. 'We spend about £300 a month on beauty treatments for her.

'Sasha's friends are the same. All girls their age are. Of course they are! Why else would you be able to buy make-up for pre-teens at Boots?

'Perhaps it's different in country areas, where they don't need to grow up so fast. But, around big cities, girls have got to be more forward and act older than they are. That's just the way it is.

'I don't understand why people get so upset about it. None of it is permanent. Tans wash off. Hair extensions come out. Why all the fuss?'

Just over a year ago, there was fuss galore when Jayne entered Sasha (then ten) in the junior Miss British Isles competition - Britain's first adult-style beauty pageant for children.

Former glamour model Jayne and daughter Sasha attend beauty pageants all over the world

It wasn't an altogether beautiful experience. Jayne tells me she was uneasy about the way the contest was run, citing odd rules about how much make-up should be applied to those pre-pubescent faces and including confusing clauses about how contestants could bring make-up artists but should try to look 'natural'.

At first, I think she is criticising the organisers for encouraging the children to look too adult. Wrong!

She means the girls - some of whom were still toddling - weren't allowed to look adult enough.

'Because this country doesn't have a tradition of this sort of thing, the organisers didn't quite know how to play things. Looking back, it was all very conservative. They kept saying they wanted the girls to look natural. Why? Let them slap it on! What's the harm?'

Earlier this year, Jayne was given free rein with the blusher when Sasha became the first British child to dip a scarlet-tipped toe into the American pageant scene.

Jayne was at her side, helping her practise her sashay.

The pair took a documentary team with them, and found what you'd expect at a U.S. beauty pageant held in a down-market-looking Texan hotel: mums parading their daughters like prize poodles, kids who look disturbingly like mini Celine Dions, and enough lipgloss to pose a drowning risk to the tiniest entrants.

Jayne says: 'Sasha's friends are the same. All girls their age are. Of course they are! Why else would you be able to buy make-up for pre-teens at Boots?'

There was a jaw-dropping moment in the film - Sasha, Beauty Queen At 11, to be shown on July 14 on BBC3 at 9pm - when the pageant veteran charged with showing Sasha the ropes demonstrates how to walk like a beauty queen.

She explains how to turn your body round while holding the judges' eyes, before flipping your head round at the last minute 'like that Exorcist child'.

Sasha might not have won, but Jayne loved the process, describing it as 'the best fun ever'. 'It was just fantastic,' she says.

'What you see in U.S. pageants really is what you get. It's weird, but brilliant. They take it so seriously, which can only be good for someone like Sasha.

'All the mums were up at 6am so they could get started on hair and make-up.

'And everything is just the best. No expense is spared. You have to spend £2,000 on a pageant dress over there. I thought £500 for one here was a lot. The one we bought Sasha was out of this world.

'We went to this huge shop where there was every colour and style you could imagine. Sasha just ran through all the dresses, she was in her element.


Jayne talks about Sasha's media 'career', believing her daughter is a bona fide celebrity, and is proud to have been instrumental in making that happen

'Back home, we have to buy an adult dress and get it altered to fit, but there they are totally geared up for girls her age.

'The pageant was like a dream. The girls are encouraged to put on masses of make-up. It was just like a big theatrical event, like being transported to another world.'

Underpinning the fairy tale, though, was a deep desire to win.

'I fell in love with a pink dress that made her look like a princess, but the people advising us told us you should always match the dress to the eyes - so we went for green.

'That was OK, though. I wasn't there to have the dress I wanted. I was there so that Sasha could win. I was amazed at how much there was to learn, but I knew I was in the hands of the experts.'

Jayne and her husband, Martin, spent £26,000 on Sasha's presents, which included a swimming pool

It seems that the main lesson learned was that her darling daughter could look like a plastic Barbie, and be rewarded with a sash to prove it.

'People always said she looked like a Barbie in Miss British Isles, but the girls in Texas truly did,' enthuses Jayne.

'It was wonderful. I watched them on the catwalk, with their arms held so precisely, walking slowly and turning just so. They reminded me of little ballerina dolls.'

What sort of mother wants her daughter to look like a doll? The image I have in my head is of Exorcist Barbie, but Jayne sees something else entirely.

Her response to the pageant pictures of Sasha - looking shocking with deep red lips and heavily smoked eyes - probably says more about her than her daughter.

'The pictures are amazing, and Sasha is such a lucky girl to have them. I'd love to have those sort of pictures, nice pictures, rather than ones you hide away because you can't bear to look at them.'

It was about the same time she started dabbling in beauty pageants that Jayne declared she wanted her daughter to be the next Jordan. She still does.

'Of course. Jordan is her idol and I fully support her in that. She's a great role model, this really down-to-earth woman who has made a big success of her life. She's a better role model than Britney Spears - any day.'

Jayne always saw the public parading of Sasha as crucial to this goal, so maybe it's not surprising that she pushed the child Stateside, into a world few in Britain understand.

She chatters away about Sasha's media 'career', believing her daughter is a bona fide celebrity, and is proud to have been instrumental in making that happen.

'She's been on TV with Lorraine Kelly. What girl of her age can say that?

''I'm really proud that I've helped her get to this stage by giving her all the opportunities I can. Going to the States was just the next stage in all of this, and it's been worthwhile.

'We've been told she could have a really good future in American pageants, but anything is possible - film, adverts, mainstream modelling. I want Sasha to have all the options.'

In the forthcoming documentary, Jayne takes Sasha to a major agency, in the hope that she will be signed up.

'People say she looks like Barbie' - Jayne is so proud of her daughter's success

The model booker says a vehement 'no', horrified by her portfolio, and tells Jayne that clients want their child models to look like children, and that for this sort of career success she would have to stop bleaching Sasha's hair and encouraging her to wear plastic nails. Jayne refuses to comply.

It comes as no surprise that Jayne used to be a model herself, and one who worked in the 'glamour' side of the business.

She started at 23 - which, she explains, was 'far too late' for real career success - and now believes that earlier is better, in order to maximise profit and notoriety.

One of her own happiest memories is of entering a beauty pageant and winning the coveted sash. 'I was on top of the world. One day I was an ordinary clerical worker, the next everyone was looking at me. It was wonderful.

'I'd never been a particularly pretty child. I was always short and fat - not like Sasha - but I did OK with the modelling. Who knows what would have happened if I'd started earlier?'

Is it a coincidence that Jayne would have been working as a promotional model when Jordan came along and changed all the rules about how restrictive such a career can be.

She boasts she has met the pneumatic queen of the glamour world, and was even photographed with her.

They were both products of their time. As she watched Jordan achieve extraordinary mainstream success, Jayne tried to forge her own path in the new world, where everything crass and ostentatious was celebrated rather than shunned.

She set up a limo hire business, and tried to get a foothold in the reality TV world, appearing on Wife Swap. Then she turned her attentions to Sasha - getting her in front of the cameras became paramount.

When I ask whether this latest pageant business is just about her trying to realise her own thwarted ambitions through her daughter, she is offended - but only because the question assumes her career is over, which she denies.

'I might go back and do some more modelling. Who knows? If something comes up. I'm not past it yet.'

She maintains it has always been Sasha who has driven her own 'career' forward. Even as a baby she was a 'total poser', playing up for the cameras and basking in the attention.

'She's always wanted to be a model, 100per cent. I'm just helping her do what she wants, like any good parent would. It's not pushing her into anything. I hate it when people say I'm a pushy parent. I'm not. I just want the best for her.'

Yet can 'the best' really involve holding her hand as she steps into a terrifyingly sexualised world? It is Jayne herself who says that her daughter looks 'about 18' when she has full make-up on.

'But, even without make-up, she looks about 13 or 14, certainly older than her age.'

She thinks this is a good thing and brushes off questions about unwelcome male attention.

'People go on about the paedophile thing, but they've got that one wrong. Paedophiles don't want girls who look 18. If anything, it's the fresh-faced younger ones they want.

'And so what if she poses in a bikini? There are plenty of 11-year-old girls on beaches in bikinis. If people have a problem with it, I'd say it is their problem, not mine.

'Besides, as I keep saying, this is what Sasha wants.'

And what Sasha wants, Sasha clearly gets. Last Christmas, Jayne and her husband, Martin, a builder who works all over the UK and is barely at home, spent £26,000 on Sasha's presents, which included a swimming pool.

Martin seems to exert no influence at all - 'I leave all that to Jayne,' he says.

Has Jayne ever stopped Sasha doing anything? 'She wanted to get her belly button pierced and I said no,' she says.

This is puzzling. Sasha clearly has her belly button pierced, and is happy to display the evidence in her photo shoots. What happened? She sniggers. 'Maybe I gave in. Yeah. I'm not always that strict with her.

'People can say what they want. I know there is nothing bad about what I'm doing. I'm just helping my daughter make something of her life. Any good mum would do the same.'

After our interview, Jayne will be taking Sasha to cheerleading classes, in a further bid to realise that all-American dream.

She makes Sasha practise her cheerleading wherever she goes - even pushing her into the middle of the floor in restaurants. Why?

'You have to be out there, being noticed, even at a bus stop. What if Andrew Lloyd Webber walks past?'

What will become of the child, who turns just 12 in two weeks? We might hope for a reverse teenage rebellion - one in which she dyes her hair mousey brown and professes a desire to study political science at university - but it's unlikely.

Ask Sasha how she sees herself and she replies: 'Blonde, pretty, dumb - I don't need brains.' Her mum laughs her head off at this, proud that the child is so like her. AND HERE IS THE STUPID MOTHER

Friday, July 04, 2008

OH GEORGE




LEADERLESS FRENCH ARMY UNABLE TO RETREAT


THE French army was in chaos last night after the resignation of its most senior general left it temporarily unable to retreat.



General Bruno Cuche quit his post after one of his soldiers shot 17 civilians at a military show instead of just putting down his gun and running away.

The general's shock departure left the army chain of command in disarray with senior officers unsure who was now responsible for ordering retreats and surrenders.

Guy Delafarge, a captain stationed in east Afghanistan, said: "We were 'iding in a cave like usual, waiting for ze order to run away, but it did not come.

"I get on ze radio and demand zey pull us out, as Alain was sure he 'ear someone step on a twig. And anyway, we were down to ze last dozen bottles of ze Chateau Gazin '82.

"But zey tell me I 'ave to stay put, take my chances with ze Taleban and drink ze '84. I refuse! I say I will not endanger my men. Ze '84 is ze worst vintage since we surrender to ze Nazis in '41!"

Military historian Denys Finch-Hatton said the current inability of the French to retreat could give them the advantage of surprise.

He added: "This could be the first time since the Battle of the Marne in 1914 that they will have had to fight for more than 20 minutes."

PRINCE WILLIAM FACES TH E WRATH OF THE FULHAM ROAD


PRINCE William is facing a ban from some of his favourite Fulham Road nightclubs after his Royal Navy ship seized £40m worth of cocaine.

The seizure will push up prices across West London and could even lead to shortages during the closing weekend of the Henley Regatta.

It is understood the prince, who is currently serving with the Royal Navy in the Caribbean, found the whole episode tremendously exciting.

But Tom Logan, the owner of Oiks, said: "You get to know someone, you give them free champagne, you let them urinate wherever they want, and they repay you by chasing down your drug shipment with a Type 23 Frigate."

"My regulars ordered this cocaine in good faith. There was nothing in the catalogue about it being commandeered by the heir to the throne."

A Royal Navy spokesman said: "Sub-Lieutenant Wales performed a vital role in the operation by pointing at things from a helicopter and did not get in the way at all."

But sources close to William say he is embarrassed by the seizure, insisting he played he played no part and was actually water skiing off the back of HMS Iron Duke the whole time.

Logan added: "Without cocaine there is the imminent danger my customers will realise how worthless and horrifyingly empty their lives really are and go off and do something productive.

"Either that or they'll switch to crystal meth."

GIF'S OF THE WEEK

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Image and video hosting by TinyPic

JOKES OF THE WEEK

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks
the first girl, ' Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male
organ?
She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger.' St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip the tip of your finger
in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Jennifer, have you ever
had any contact with a male organ?' The girl is a little reluctant but
replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.' St. Peter says, ' Okay,
dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front, St.Peter says, 'Nicola, What seems to be the rush?'
The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want
to do it before Sharon sticks her arse in it.'




It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather "princess-like" young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom.

Her name was Judy and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodworking shop class that term. The shop teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class,and Judy assured him that she was.

The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your league.

Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"

"What exactly do you mean?" replied Judy.

"Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop teacher asked.

Judy pondered the question for a moment, then replied,

"Well, I can't rightly say as I know,

'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'




Apparently masturbation is good for you - really, it is!

Sexual relief releases a chemical which stimulates the brain, and in effect is a natural anti-depressant. Scientific researchers reckon that if a person was to masturbate every 2 hours, he would never feel depressed.
So, that got me thinking – I work with a load of Man Utd fans, and they are always really happy, upbeat and jolly people. This tends to prove what we have known all along - they are all a bunch of Wankers.




A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"I’m not worried about the sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"




A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and then bellows, "all you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!"
A sudden silence descends.
After a moment, he asks, "anyone got a problem with that?"
The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "and all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!"
Once again, the bar is silent.
He looks around belligerently and roars, "anyone got a problem with that?"
A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.
The construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says, "you got a problem, buddy?"
"Oh no," insists the man, "I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

PICS OF THE WEEK






POLITICALLY INCORRECT QUICKIES (THEY'LL UPSET EVERYONE)

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms.
Most men couldn't give a shit anyway, and you could use the saved energy to vacuum the house after you've been shagged.




WIFE: "Lets try the missionary position."
HUSBAND: "OK, what do we do?"
WIFE: "I'll stay here and you fuck off to Africa!"




I had my dreams crushed yesterday.
It turns out the newspaper headline "Village still looking for Sex Maniac" wasn't a vacancy.




I was wanking over a porno magazine this morning, when my mum caught me and started slapping me around the head……. until the newsagent stopped her.




What's the difference between a western girl and an Arab girl?

The western girl gets stoned before she commits adultery.




I'm sorry, but I don't agree with all these jokes about blacks.
When I was a kid, my best mate was black and we did everything together, until my dad sold him.




A guy goes to the doctors.
"I cant stop wanking over 17 year old black girls" he says.
The doctor gives him a packet and says " Try these, one a day on your arm"
"What are they?" asks the guy
"Nigger Teen patches" comes the reply.




I read today that a quarter of over 50s are failing to save.
It's CTRL & S. You old Silly old Fuckers.




What do you call a Muslim desperate for a drink ?
Allah Vabeer

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

MR. FANTASTIC


http://view.break.com/507504 - Watch more free videos

CREATE A MUSICAL MASTERPIECE

CLICK ON THE HORSES

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Hollywood's 5 Hottest Ugly Ducklings

Usually, we get to see celebrities get uglier over time (we're looking at YOU, Britney). Which is why when the opposite happens, we get excited. It's always nice when an ugly duckling turns into a swan – hey, even if we're spiteful bastards, who the hell would argue against having more hot chicks in the world? So without further adieu, we present to you Hollywood's 5 Hottest Ugly Ducklings…






DATE A MUSLIM WOMAN

CLICK TO ENLARGE


WHY YOU SHOULDN'T GET ANGRY


http://view.break.com/525981 - Watch more free videos

Monday, June 30, 2008

I HAVE TERRIBLE NEWS

I have terrible news..

I think you should probably sit down for this. I don't know how to break this to you, so im just going to go ahead and say it: the page you were looking for.. It couldn't be found. I am so sorry.

This is probably because of the following:

  • I Probably lost the page.
  • I realised the page was rubbish and deleted it.
  • I never realised the page was rubbish - it was deleted in an unavoidable attack of idiocy. (The one that I'm currently suffering from, which started several weeks before birth).
  • The page was deleted by one of my monkey henchmen. If this is the case, I will seek vengance. If it's any use, a search engine can automatically examine this website and automatically discover humorous pages.
    If you would like google to discover them,
    click Detect Humor
  • I clicked on the "What does this button do..." menu and then clicked the big red button tab, causing *BOOM*
  • The page was stolen, if you see anyone carrying around a chunk of cyberspace that looks like my page, apprehend them! (Or prod them slightly and run off giggling, but giggle in a manly way.)
  • Whatever website I stole it from realised I took it.
  • The FBI finally managed to shut me down.
  • The page was gambled away in Vegas in a last ditch attempt to win back the family house/pet.

AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS….PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.


This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I was h the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,

put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table
and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox

when I take out the garbage anyway,

I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where

I find the can of Coke I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside

so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,

a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car
isn’t washed

the bills aren’t paid

the flowers don’t have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can’t find the remote,

I can’t find my glasses,

and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail….

Do me a favor.


Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don’t remember who the hell I’ve sent it to.

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!

Sunday, June 29, 2008

CHALK DRAWINGS

More chalk drawings from Julian Beever. Incredible!!!!!
Julian Beever is an English artist who's famous for his art on the pavement of England, France, Germany, USA, Australia and Belgium . Beever gives to his drawings an amazing 3D illusion.









thanks to Mrs. Norty

PICS OF THE WEEK




GIFS OF THE WEEK

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CRUELTY TO OLD MEN




















CLICK TO ENLARGE


thanks to Mike Molloy