THE ATTORNEY'S WIFE

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day
trying to get a stay of execution for a client who
was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor
had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door
at home, his wife started on him about,'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been?'

'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.


And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this
familiar ritual, he poured himself
a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long
hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the
predictable sarcastic remarks
as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her
husband's client, James Wright,
had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had,
she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door,
she was greeted by the sight of her husband,
bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Thanks to Mick Molloy

HEED THIS WARNING

WARNING PLEASE HEED


Please read and scroll down slowly!

DO YOU EAT CADBURYS CHOCOLATE?

We were raised on CADBURYS chocolate as kids and even into adulthood. I will never eat it again. I hope from now on you will throw yours away whenever you are given any It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.
This is what happens when you eat CADBURYS chocolate!


THIS IS A MEDICAL WARNING!!
It could happen to you, your family and friends!!

CADBURY Chocolate can cause
SMALL FEET !!

thanks to Shazza

THIS IS FASCINATING

History Mystery Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head Now it gets really weird. Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln . Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters. Now hang on to your seat. Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.' Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.' Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the kicker... A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe. Creepy huh? Send this to as many people as you can, cause: Hey, this is one history lesson most people probably will not mind reading!

WHO FIGURED THIS OUT?

INCREDIBLE
1) Fold a NEW PINK $20bill in half...




2) Fold again, taking care to fold it exactly as below



3) Fold the other end, exactly as before




4) Now, simply turn it over...




What a coincidence! A simple geometric fold creates a catastrophic premonitionprinted on all $20 bills!!!
COINCIDENCE? YOU DECIDE

As if that wasn't enough. Here is what you've seen...

Firstly The Pentagon on fire...



Then The Twin Towers.


..And now .. look at this!



TRIPLE COINCIDENCE ON A SIMPLE $20 BILL
It gets even better!! 9 + 11=$20!!

This is too interesting to pass up!
Pass it on to your friends who have nothing to do.

Thanks to Elizabeth K

THIS IS VERY WORRYING FOR THE OLD COUNTRY

Practising Muslims will outnumber worshipping Christians in Britain within 30 years, according to research published today.

By 2035, there will be about 1.96 million active Muslims in Britain, compared with 1.63 million church-going Christians, according to calculations by Christian Research, a think- tank.

The figures are published in the latest in a series of reports entitled Religious Trends.

The think-tank has warned that 4,000 churches could close by 2020 if congregations continue to shrink at current rates.

According to the most recent figures from the Church of England, regular Sunday, weekly and monthly attendance each fell by one per cent in 2006.

Fewer than a million people attend church every Sunday.

Although at the last count there were only 1.6million Muslims living in Britain – compared to 41million Christians – experts have suggested Muslims are more likely to practise their faith.

More than half of the Muslims who responded to the 2001 census said they prayed every day, compared to 6.3 per cent of Christians who attend church services each week.

Christian Research describes its aim as encouraging "change in Christian culture so that by 2010 more churches are growing".

The Church of England moved to discredit the research last night, criticising its methodology and saying the results were "flawed and dangerously misleading".

A C of E spokesman said: "These sorts of statistics, based on dubious presumptions, do no one of any faith any favours.

"Faith communities are not in competition and simplistic research like this is misleading and unhelpful."

The research does not compare like with like, according to the spokesman. The number of practising Muslims, for instance, is based on the number of people who said they were active in the 2001 census.

If the same process were applied to Christians it would give a figure of 20 million active churchgoers, according to Church House, the headquarters of the C of E.

The study used the number of adults on the Church's parish-based formal voting lists as the sole measure of its active "members".

This omitted large numbers who worship every week and are involved in their churches in other ways, according to Church House.

The Rev Lynda Barley, head of research and statistics for the Archbishops' Council, said last night: "There are more than 1.7 million people worshipping in a Church of England church or cathedral each month, a figure which is 30 per cent higher than the electoral roll figures and has remained stable since 2000.

"More are involved in fresh expressions of church and chaplaincies across the country and we have no reason to believe that this will drop significantly in the next decade.

"These statistics are incomplete and represent only a partial picture of religious trends in Britain today."

A VERY CLOSE SHAVE...

THE FALLING HILARY BIKINI SCREENSAVER

JUST CLICK ON HILLARY

WOULD YOU EMPLOY ANY OF THEM???

These are REAL stupid comments that people actually put on their resumes.

1. Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

2. It’s best for employers that I not work with people.

3. If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

4. I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

5. Please disregard the attached resume-it is terribly out of date.

6. I Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

7. Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

8. Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

9. Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

10. I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

11. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

12. Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.

13. Special skills: Thyping.

14. My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.

15. Objectives: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus, and some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days.

16. Experience: Provided correct answers to customers’ questions.

17. Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.

18. Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.

19. I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences. I usually make points as well as I can.

20. Hire me and you won’t regret it - I am funny, cute, smart and creative… really.

21. I have recently sold my home and I now live in my car so I will be able to relocate quickly.

22. Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.

23. Personal achievements: Successfully played “Chop Sticks” on a toy piano with my big toes.

24. Objective: To obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication.

25. Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS

CLICK PICTURE TO ENLARGE, BUT BE WARNED IT'S NOT NICE!!

WHY THERE ARE NO BIRDS IN RIO DE JANIERO

thanks to BT3A

KARATE JUDGE TAKES THE LAW INTO HIS OWN HANDS

WATCH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A KARATE MATCH GOT OUT OF HAND.

THE MIDDLE WIFE

The 'Middle Wife' by a friend who is a 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students.

It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stufflike that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.

If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He atefor nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.

'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten.

Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Thanks to Mick Molloy

TOP 50 GOALS

I HAVE A BUG IN MY COMPUTER

CAN ANYBODY HELP IDENTIFY WHAT IT IS?

TAKE ADVICE FROM A MAN

Q: My husband wants to have a threesome with me and my best friend.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house, too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

LAS VEGAS HOOKER

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a handjob."

Guy says, "$500 dollars?! For a handjob?! No handjob is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a handjob that's worth $500."

The guy thinks to himself, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." and accepts the hooker's offer.

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the handjob of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blowjob is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blowjob!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blowjob that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific handjob, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies. "But I would if I had a pussy."

A LESSON FOR YOUR HUSBAND

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars an d asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don’t waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this in a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. I havent had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well, I said, "I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, Im going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

She was so happy she offered me a kiss.....