FOOTBALL FUNNIES

Thanks to Drogballs theredcauldron.blogspot.com/

TRANSFERS FOR DUMMIES

NORTHERN LAD:

Ee, I remember as if it were yesterday - well, it were yesterday, matter o'fact - I'd climbed up this great big hill outside our town. View from

t' top were like nothing on earth –

t' boarded up shops, closed down factories and

t' estate wi' t' joyriders doin' handbrake turns. Suddenly I heard a voice ;

t' local filth.

'Where's thee off to lad?'

'London.'

'Well, tha'll need thi sandwiches then, price o' things down there.

Off to be a rent boy are thee?'

'Aye.'

'Tha'll need plenty o' condoms an' all, this AIDS is rife. And remember to use a fresh syringe whenever thee jacks up.'

I looked up and tears were rolling down his face. 'I'm right sorry for you young folk,' he said. 'Nowt to look forward to. Not even bogus nostalgia when thee grows up.'

I 'ad to admit, he 'ad a point. Price o' butties down 'ere's outrageous.

FAT QUICKIES

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

Once upon a time, my waist and age were the same, now unfortunately, they still are.

Complaining burns calories, that’s why skinny women are such bitches.

I go to the refrigerator so many times at night; the neighbours think we have got a strobe light in the kitchen.

I’m a light eater…. As soon as it gets light, I eat.

How can I get rid of some ugly fat? Send her home to mother.

Why is a fat woman like a moped? They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on one.

JUST HOPE SHE'S NOT WAITING FOR YOU AT HOME

QUIZ (Answers in Comments)

1 The cast list is: Gary Cooper, Grace Kelly, Lloyd Bridges, Katy Jurado, Thomas Mitchell, Otto Kruger, Lon Chaney and Henry Morgan - what is the film?

2 What name links these actors; Billy Crystal, Clint Eastwood, Daniel Radcliffe and Michael Caine?

3 Which letter comes next in this sequence: Z X C V B N...?

4 Who is missing from this list: Daphne Blake, Fred Jones, Velma Dinkley, Norvile Rogers?

5 What links: Mary Ann Nichols, Annie Chapman, Elizabeth Stride, Catherine Eddowes and Mary Jane Kelly?

6 Patrick and Pippa Trench and Nick Swainey live either side of which family?

7 Rita Tushingham, Ralph Richardson, Rod Steiger, Alec Guinness, Julie Christie, Tom Courtenay and Omar Sharif appeared in which classic film?

8 What links: one of James Bond's bosses, Mick Jagger, Philip Marlowe, A Madonna hit, a resident of the Big Apple and Judy's Husband?

9 What links: Sylvester, Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse, Goofy, Michael Jackson and a Snooker Referee?

10 What links: Rigsby, Hermione Grainger, Sabrina the teenage witch, Postman Pat and Mrs Slocum?

HOW SIMPLE IS THIS?

Instead of stamping a star or some other stupid design on the back of your hand. Why don't nightclubs do this?

(click to enlarge)

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint?

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

December 09, 2002, United files for bankruptcy, Chapter 11 (is there any wonder?)

QUICKIES

One guy in the plane got up all of sudden and shouted “HIJACK” the passengers got scared and put their hands up …
.
..
.
.
.

From the other end someone shouted Hi John…

My mother rang me up the other day to tell me she'd just bought a wooden leg at a boot fair.
I asked her why she'd bought a wooden leg?

Her reply? She thought it'd make a good stocking filler!!

Q. How do you know Santa's a man?
A. Because he always turns up late, eats your food, drinks your booze, empties his sack, only comes once then fucks off before you wake up!

A man with no legs is waiting for a bus at the bus stop........
the bus pulls up and the busman smiles......
he says...."hello, how are you getting on?"

An Irish woman was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex.
Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and 1 Samsung but no Sieman was found.

What game did Sadam Hussain get for Christmas
Hang-man.

Elton John has written and recorded a special song to remember Saddam Hussein by -
its called -`Dangle in the wind

Saddam t-shirt for sale
its a bit tight round the neck but it hangs well...

Apparently James Brown is working in a shoe factory up in heaven he is now the godfather of sole.

Cabbie says to nun in his cab "my fantasy is to be sucked off by a Nun"
Nun says " Ok but you must b Catholic & single"
Cabbie says "I am"
so the nun sucks him off.
Cabbie starts to cry & says "forgive me sister I have sinned. I am married & I’m Jewish"
The nun says "that’s ok, I am Kevin and I’m on my way to a fancy dress party!!

AUSSIE SUMMER BY A POM...

August 31st

Just got transferred with work into our new home in Queensland, Australia!! Now this is a place that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:

Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th

Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th

I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat tomtit I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant cattle trucking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th

It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid cattle trucking place.

November 8th

If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to cattle trucking throttle him. cattle trucking heat! By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking cattle trucking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th

Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my cattle truckin arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my cattle trucking arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

November 10th

The weather report might as well be a cattle trucking recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and cattle trucking sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn cattle trucking place? Water rationing will be next so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the cattle trucking pool. Even the palms can't live in this cattle trucking heat.

November 14th

Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for
assaulting the stupid cattle trucker. cattle truck Mount Isa! What kind of a sick demented cattle trucking idiot would want to live here?

December 1st

WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are cattle trucking kidding!

I have been awarded the title of:

The Very Reverend Nortygordy the Crepuscular of Leg over Wallop

get yours here

www.masquerademaskarts.com/memes/peculiartitle.php

JOSES TECHNICOLOUR TRENCHCOAT