WHAT IS GLOBALIZATION

Finally,
a definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I now can relate:

Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:
Princess
Diana’s
death.

Question:
How come?

Answer :

An
English princess
with an
Egyptian boyfriend

crashes
in a French tunnel,
driving a

German
car

with a
Dutch engine,

driven
by a Belgian

who was
drunk

on
Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you
change the spelling),

followed
closely by

Italian
Paparazzi,

on
Japanese motorcycles;

treated
by an American doctor,
using

Brazilian
medicines.

This is
sent to you by

an
American,

using
Bill Gates’s technology,

and
you’re probably reading
this on your computer,

that
uses Taiwanese chips,
and

a

Korean
monitor,

assembled
by

Bangladeshi
workers

in a
Singapore plant,

transported
by Indian

lorry-drivers,

hijacked
by Indonesians,

unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen,

and
trucked to you by Mexican illegals…. .

.

.

.

.

.

That, my friends,
is what I call Globalization!

FANCY DRESS PARTY

Hope this gives you a chuckle on an otherwise dreary morning! . . . . .

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head,

stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

MIDDLE AGED WOMEN SHOULD STAY HOME

WILLY WIGS

CLICK PICTURES TO ENLARGE

BEER TESTER

For the true and discriminating aficionado, a glass of the finest beer should only be partaken if it is the correct temperature. The subtle nuance of the melded grains..... The fragile and fleeting taste of the brewers art..... Can only be truly appreciated if that golden elixir is properly chilled.
To this end, advanced studies candidates in the Graduate Engineering Department of Michigan Tech have developed an easily used fully portable Beer Temperature Tester which easily indicates whether the beverage is acceptably chilled or not. To test the beer, simply insert the tester into the glass.

V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V

After the tester has been immersed for a period of no less than fifteen seconds, remove both probes and observe the indication.

V
V
V
V
V
V
V
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V
V

The beer on the left is the correct temperature.

thanks to Mike Molloy

HOW TO NEGOTIATE WITH YOUR DENTIST

make sure you watch to the very end

ASK MRS. NORTY

Dear Mrs. Norty,
I have been married for 15 years and so still have ten years to go before I can divorce my husband and get the house mortgage-free. At the start of our relationship we had an active and healthy sex life but thankfully, since the kids were born, he has found it increasingly hard to maintain himself in an upright position for take-off and landing. Up until recently I was perfectly happy with this situation, but now one of my boyfriends has got a job on the rigs while another has signed up as a long-distance lorry driver. If I can’t pick-up anyone down the pub I sometimes have to go for two or three days without sex.

Out of desperation I pointed out to my husband that watermelons have the same stimulating properties as Viagra and he agreed to try one out. However, he enjoyed it so much that he has moved it into our bed and asked me to sleep in the spare room because I am putting him off. He says if he leaves it in the microwave for a few seconds first it feels better than the real thing, or his sock.
Sammi
Salisbury.
Mrs Norty says: Dear Sammi,
A lot of men are turned on by fruit and vegetables, mainly because they do not demand a pair of shoes and a trip to the hairdressers every time you peel off their outer layers. Maybe you should incorporate his interest in this area into your love-making? Next time he’s about to sneak off to his study to look at the Tesco website tell him to bring the laptop into the lounge and the pair of you can look at it together. I know a lot of people claim that women do not respond to pornography in the same way as men but my heart certainly starts to race a bit when I see a picture of a nice, firm courgette. However, steer clear of the marrows as they will only remind you of what you are missing. If none of this works try turning up the power on the microwave. It will not do anything for your love life but it will boil the end of his privates, which will be a laugh.

Dear Mrs. Norty,
I have been married for 20 years and my husband has completely lost interest in sex. So much so that I do not have to smear my face in nightcream or sellotape a bit of string to my inside privates to stop him from clambering aboard at the weekend and see-sawing away like an arthritic duck. However, last Friday, instead of getting our traditional takeaway, he burst into the front room naked, said we needed to do something to spice up our love life, smeared his pork kebab with some Patak’s Original Balti Paste and asked me for a go in my tandoori oven. I was outraged. He knows I’m more of a Tikka Mahkni girl. Nevertheless, I’m ashamed to say I found the whole thing quite stimulating. I think it must be the coriander as he still doesn’t really touch the sides, if you catch my drift. Clearly he thinks the same as now he’s demanding I let him put his shashlik in my aloo chat. Isn’t that illegal?
Navneeta,
Norwich

Mrs Norty says: Dear Navneeta,
Offering up your aloo chat to the man in your life can be a wonderfully intense experience, or so I am told by some demented perverts, but in my experience it is much more likely to make your nose bleed and leave you walking like John Wayne for a week. If he tries anything like that again I would grab hold of his shashlik, smear it with some Vindaloo and then make a run for it while his eyes are watering. Lock yourself in the bathroom and call the Police. Of course it’s illegal. You don’t live in Wales!

Thanks to www.thedailymash.co.uk

HOW NOT TO USE A DRIVE THRU

http://view.break.com/534959 - Watch more free videos

DEAR EMPLOYEE

Dear employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of this new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).

We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

Once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

The Management

SINATRA GETS COMPUTER SAVVY

NO SOBER PEOPLE IN IRELAND

IT'S OFFICIAL..... I TYPED INTO THIS SEARCH ENGINE

goldenpages.ie/search/Ireland/sober_people.html

CLICK THE LINK