IF YOU ARE GOING TO ASIA, DON'T BUY YOUR DAUGHTER AN ICE CREAM

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YOU SHOULDN'T LAUGH.... BUT

Blind man was 'dangerous driver'

A blind man, who lost his eyes in a bomb blast, has been convicted of dangerous driving after police spotted his car on the wrong side of the road.

Omed Aziz, 31, was being aided as he drove through Oldbury, West Midlands, by an allegedly banned driver in the passenger seat.

Warley magistrates were told he reached speeds of up to 35mph on the half-mile trip in April.

Aziz, of Oldbury, who denied dangerous driving, will be sentenced next Monday.

At a previous hearing, Iraqi-born Aziz pleaded guilty to driving with no MOT, no licence and no insurance.

Mr Aziz was fully aware of his disabilities and we find the driver was in a dangerous, defective state Richard Knight, chairman of the bench

Aziz is also partially deaf and suffers from leg tremors.

Richard Knight, chairman of the bench at Warley Magistrates Court, said Aziz was aware of the risk he posed to others.

"Mr Aziz was fully aware of his disabilities and we find the driver was in a dangerous, defective state," he said.

Aziz and his friend were arrested on 23 April at about 2300 BST after police followed their car along Oldbury Ringway and into West Bromwich Street, Pc Glyn Austin told the court.

He said: "I attempted to speak to the driver, who appeared to be fumbling around with the controls.

'No eyes'

"At that point the passenger leaned across and stated: 'He's blind'".

Another officer, Pc Stuart Edge, who was present at that time, told magistrates the vehicle had crossed a white hazard line on to the wrong side of the road just before being stopped.

Pc Edge said: "I asked him if he could see me. He removed the dark-coloured sunglasses he was wearing and I could clearly see he was blind as he had no eyes."

Aziz, who said he had previous driving experience prior to being blinded in his homeland, was present in court and was helped around by an interpreter.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/west_midlands/5313370.stm

THIS WEEKS SAD BASTARDS

DON'T LOOK DOWN

HOME WANTED FOR MY BROTHER

My brother has split from his wife, and he has moved in with us. Now I don't mind the fact that he is a bit overweight, or the fact that his habits are a questionable. It's just that he has taken over the couch, and seems to spend his time dreaming. But while he's there, the kids are forced to sit on the floor.

If you have a spare room and are willing to take him in, I'm willing to pay his first months rent.

I have enclosed a photograph, so you will recognise him when he calls round.

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THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE SEXY....WRONG!!

20 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT DEATH

1 The practice of burying the dead may date back 350,000 years, as evidenced by a 45-foot-deep pit in Atapuerca, Spain, filled with the fossils of 27 hominids of the species Homo heidelbergensis, a possible ancestor of Neanderthals and modern humans.

2 Never say die: There are at least 200 euphemisms for death, including "to be in Abraham's bosom," "just add maggots," and "sleep with the Tribbles" (a Star Trek favorite).

3 No American has died of old age since 1951.

4 That was the year the government eliminated that classification on death certificates.

5 The trigger of death, in all cases, is lack of oxygen. Its decline may prompt muscle spasms, or the "agonal phase," from the Greek word agon, or contest.

6 Within three days of death, the enzymes that once digested your dinner begin to eat you. Ruptured cells become food for living bacteria in the gut, which release enough noxious gas to bloat the body and force the eyes to bulge outward.

7 So much for recycling: Burials in America deposit 827,060 gallons of embalming fluid—formaldehyde, methanol, and ethanol—into the soil each year. Cremation pumps dioxins, hydrochloric acid, sulfur dioxide, and carbon dioxide into the air.

8 Alternatively . . . A Swedish company, Promessa, will freeze-dry your body in liquid nitrogen, pulverize it with high-frequency vibrations, and seal the resulting powder in a cornstarch coffin. They claim this "ecological burial" will decompose in 6 to 12 months.

9 Zoroastrians in India leave out the bodies of the dead to be consumed by vultures.

10 The vultures are now dying off after eating cattle carcasses dosed with diclofenac, an anti-inflammatory used to relieve fever in livestock.

11 Queen Victoria insisted on being buried with the bathrobe of her long-dead husband, Prince Albert, and a plaster cast of his hand.

12 If this doesn't work, we're trying in vitro! In Madagascar, families dig up the bones of dead relatives and parade them around the village in a ceremony called famadihana. The remains are then wrapped in a new shroud and reburied. The old shroud is given to a newly married, childless couple to cover the connubial bed.

13 During a railway expansion in Egypt in the 19th century, construction companies unearthed so many mummies that they used them as fuel for locomotives.

14 Well, yeah, there's a slight chance this could backfire: English philosopher Francis Bacon, a founder of the scientific method, died in 1626 of pneumonia after stuffing a chicken with snow to see if cold would preserve it.

15 For organs to form during embryonic development, some cells must commit suicide. Without such programmed cell death, we would all be born with webbed feet, like ducks.

16 Waiting to exhale: In 1907 a Massachusetts doctor conducted an experiment with a specially designed deathbed and reported that the human body lost 21 grams upon dying. This has been widely held as fact ever since. It's not.

17 Buried alive: In 19th-century Europe there was so much anecdotal evidence that living people were mistakenly declared dead that cadavers were laid out in "hospitals for the dead" while attendants awaited signs of putrefaction.

18 Eighty percent of people in the United States die in a hospital.

19 If you can't make it here . . . More people commit suicide in New York City than are murdered.

20 It is estimated that 100 billion people have died since humans began.

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MORON OF THE MONTH

MORE JOKES FOR NORTYGORDY SNR....

Bono is at a U2 concert when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, stop fucking clapping then!"

Elton John is getting a divorce.
He found out his husband was having sex behind his back.

Guard: "What would you like?"
Harold Shipman: "A nice whiskey would be great"
Guard: "What would you like?"
Myra Hindley: "I'd love some red wine"
Guard: "What would you like?"
Fred West: "I could murder some Tennants"

What's the difference between Joan Collins and a KitKat?
You'll only get four fingers in a KitKat.

Why is John Prescott like an Ikea flat pack?
Two screws in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.

Two Irish skiers are at the top of a mountain - and they don't know whether to ski down zig zag or zag zig...
So they go up to a guy stood on the top of the mountain and ask him - Do we go down here zig zag or zag zig. The guy replies - I don't know, I'm a Toboganist.
To which one of the Micks says 'Fuck it - give me 20 Benson and Hedges'.

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

I went to the zoo.
There was only one dog there.
It was a shitzu.

UGLY DANCERS

TRICKY QUESTIONS

FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky maths. Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Take 1000 and add 40. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

FOURTH QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

ANSWERS

Q1: If you answered that by overtaking the second person you were first, you were absolutely wrong. If you overtake the second person and take his place, you are second.
Q2. Can you please explain how you can overtake the LAST person?
Q3 I'm afraid I answered 5000 to this question:

The correct answer is actually 4100. Check with your calculator.
Q4 Nunu? Nana? Nene? Of course not. The fifth daughter's name is Mary.

RUDE NURSERY RHYMES

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides,
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front,
...but she didn't wear that one very often.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
but Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead."

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said, "Fuck him, he's only an egg."

Mary had a little lamb.
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie pudding 'n pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
he kissed them too, 'cause he’s funny that way.

THE POTTY PUTTER

If you know someone who is golf mad or just needs the practice, have we found the perfect gift?






get it here www.boysstuff.co.uk/product.asp?id=13569&src=Home

TOP TIPS

BASEBALL cap manufacturers. Save the wearer the bother of turning your caps round by putting the peak on the other side.

PARENTS Each week count the contents of your cutlery drawer. This way you can quickly identify if any spoons or knives have gone missing that could potentially be used to administer illegal drugs or commit violent crime.

CELEBRATE the birthday of a friend or relative by making your own Happy Birthday banner and strapping it to a roundabout. Motorists are always grateful to be informed of the age of someone they have never met.

DOCTORS. Tired of licking stamps? Simply attach your stamps to the underside of your tongue stick before the patient says "Aah." Hey presto! Free saliva.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

BIRD FLU could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.

LADY drivers. Draw a little diagram on a Post-it showing the position of the hand brake and gearstick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green.

thanks to Viz www.viz.co.uk/

THE KNITTED CONDOM

Warning: People who use the knitted condom have a much higher risk of pregnancy and STDs. The knitted condom may also cause burning, chaffing, vaginal dryness, loss of errection, and extreme pain. People who want to enjoy sex should not use the knitted condom.