PUBS AROUND MELBOURNE

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GIFS OF THE WEEK

JOKES OF THE WEEK

A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on "special clearance."
Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!" The befuddled clerk runs away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on "special clearance." Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!" And doing so draws an even bigger crowd.
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that? The woman simply says, "Because, I like to have my nipples pinched when I'm getting screwed!" The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.





The sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this, sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt....so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts....so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town, cowboy...."
And here I am.





Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"





Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of sex with his wife.
Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed,
to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"




A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The guy obeys and says, '99'.
The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99.
'Again, the guy says, '99.'
The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99.'
The guy begins, 'One .. Two ..... Three'.




A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class,
"Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said,
"He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered,
"He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out,
"I know! ! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said,
"Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells,
"Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

TRUE LOVE... HELPING TO TEST BULLET PROOF GLASS

DANGEROUS GANGS

The word gang has taken on many meanings throughout the years. Originally, the word was just used to express a group or band of people. You probably have heard someone talk about the local gang of boys or something of that sort. In older times, the word gang didn’t have such the negative tone that comes along with it today. As time has gone on, the word gang has grown to be a word that many worry about when they hear it. It seems a “gang” has evolved from just being a group of people to a group of people that associate for some criminal or other antisocial purpose.

Depending on where you live, you have probably heard about gang crimes. If you don’t live too close to a big city, it is sure that you have read or watched the news and heard about some sort of gang activity. Gangs exist all over the world, not just in your own country. Here are the top 10 of the most dangerous gangs that you definitely don’t want to come into contact with.

Aryan Brotherhood (AB, The Brand)

Another jailhouse gang for you. Even though they are not one of the biggest prison gangs, the Aryan Brotherhood is known to have murdered many prisoners in jail. The gang only makes up about 1% of prison populations, but size doesn’t matter to the AB. In fact, this gang is known for at least 26% of the murders that occur in prisons around the U.S. The AB is split into two groups, usually those in federal prisons and other members that are located in some of the smaller state prisons, especially those in California. In order to join the Aryan Brotherhood, one has to kill or assault another prisoner. This is known as blood in, blood out. Any who try to leave the gang are generally assaulted or murdered by a member. The AB is known for organized crime, extortion, inmate prostitution, drug trafficking, and murder-for-hire.

Mexican Mafia (La eMe)

The Mexican Mafia is a gang that has its strongholds in many prisons throughout the U.S. The gang was started in the 1950s in Tracy California. La eMe is well known for its drug trafficking, extortion, and murder. Closely knit with the Aryan Brotherhood, La eMe has made many contracts with ally gangs in order to kill other gang members from rivals. The gang doesn’t have many rules for its members: no exposing the gang, no homosexual acts, and no cowardice. Mexican Mafia gang members also cannot practice the Christian religion. Once your join the Mexican Mafia and are released from jail, members are expected to send some of their earnings to those lead gang members who are still in jail. The gang isn’t known to kill random civilians.

The Mungiki (Kenyan Mafia)

This gang isn’t one that you’ll find in the U.S. The Mungiki is mostly found in poor parts of Kenya, especially Nairobi, which is one of Kenya’s largest cities. The gang was formed during the 1980s and has since grown, but not much. The gang is known to work in “cells,” each of them consisting of about 50 members that get involved with racketeering. The Mungiki are extremely against Christianity as well as any type of Westernization. The gang believes in forced female genital cutting, beheading, and mutilation. As many as 50 people have been killed because of clashes with the Mungiki, two of these people being Kenyan police offers who were beheaded. The gang is said to have some ties in the U.S., but this has never been concretely proven.

Primeiro Comando da Capital (PCC)

A Brazilian gang, Primeiro Comando da Capital comes in at #7. This gang is one of the newest Brazilian prison gangs to be formed. Founded in 1993 by eight prisoners, PCC is one of the smallest prison gangs around today. Primeiro Comando da Capital is extremely against government establishments like police stations, justice forums, and even buses. Since the middle of 2006, the gang is known to have carried out about 300 attacks, all of them being against public establishments. The gang is mostly funded by its members. All members have to pay a monthly fee to be in the gang, which is about $27 if the member is in jail, and $270 if the member is out of a prison. Most of the money is used to buy weapons as well as drugs. Some of the money is put towards bailing out members. In order to become part of the Primeiro Comando da Capital, you have to be introduced by a regular member of the gang. An oath must also be accepted.

Black Guerrilla Family (Black Family, Black Vanguard)

Founded in 1966 by a man named George Jackson, located in Marin County, California, the Black Guerrilla family is one of the many gangs that is associated with the African-American race. The gang was established in order to maintain Black dignity in prison as well as planning to overthrow the U.S. government. Standing as one of the most politically influenced gangs, the Black Guerrilla Family has very strong emotions towards Marxism. Today, the Black Family has about 50,000 gang members, many of which who are associated with other gangs. In order to join the gang, one must be black, and must be nominated by an already existing member. Recently it has been said that the gang is experiencing internal conflicts between old and new members.

La Nuestra Familia

La Nuestra Familia is a Mexican American prison gang that originated in Northern California. The gang has been around since 1968 and has always been a rival of the Mexican Mafia. Many speculate that the gang was created just to deliver a blow to their rival gang. The gang puts a high focus on protecting as well as preserving the Chicano culture, especially while living in a society that is dominated by so many different races. La Nuestra Familia is known to control intra-prison drug and sex trades. From the prison, high-up gang members call to those outside of the prison to prefer hits. The gang is known to kill anyone, sometimes members of the gang. Members of La Nuestra Familia are known to be serious criminals because the gang requires a two year time period to join. La Nuestra Familia requires that all gang members put the gang above family, money, drugs, and women. Women cannot join the gang but are sometimes used for running drugs.

Texas Syndicate (Texas 7)

Texas Syndicate is a California State Prison gang that was created in response to other Californian gangs like the Mexican Mafia and the Aryan Brotherhood. Because these gangs were preying on inmates, especially those in Texas, prisoners saw a need to have a rival gang to protect these Texas prisoners as a means for self-protection. The Texas 7 doesn’t allow any members that are outside of the Hispanic race. Caucasian members are extremely frowned upon. The gang is made up generally of Mexican immigrant prisoners, not Mexicans who were born and raised in the U.S. In 2000, the gang was said to have about 1,000 members in jail, and about 830 outside of jail. Texas Syndicate is known for contract murder, gambling, prostitution, extortion, and drug trafficking. Many of the gang’s leaders are imprisoned due to drug charges.

Crips

The Crips was started in 1969 by a 16-year-olds Stanley Williams and Raymond Washington. The two started the gang as a playoff of the Black Panthers. The gang started off small and was a loosely connected network of individual gangs. Since its origination, the gang has grown to be one of the largest as well as one of the most powerful gangs that exist in the U.S. Today, the gang is said to have over 300,000 gang members both inside and outside of jail. The Crips are known for wearing the color blue. The gang is known to carry out murders, robberies, as well as drug deals. The Crips are extremely bitter rivals towards the Bloods as well as many different Hispanic street gangs. The gang is known to be extremely violent and sometimes brawls and fights explode within the gang, which usually end up in deaths of Crips members. While fighting other gangs, the Crips also fights against itself. This gang is so big that it has even spread to other countries like Canada.

Bloods

The Bloods is a Los Angeles based gang that is known mainly for its rivalry with the Crips as well as for wearing the color red. The gang started in 1972 and grew slowly by taking over territory that was controlled by other L.A. street gangs. Because the Bloods were so fearless, many of the gang members that they encountered decided to band together and join the Bloods. The gang is separated into “sets,” which have their own tactics, especially when it comes to recruiting. The gang overall is known to recruit members through those who volunteer while the Bloods’ sets are known to send threats to people to join the gang. Bloods members often combine with other gangs in order to carry out criminal activity, especially drug trafficking.

Mara Salvatrucha (MS-13)

Mara Salvatrucha makes all of these other gangs seem like foolish people selling drugs. MS-13 is in fact the deadliest gang that anyone will ever come into contact with. The gang mainly consists of Guatemalans, Hondurans, Salvadorans, and other Central Americans and was started in the 1980s to protect immigrants from other big gangs. The gang has been able to spread beyond Central America into Spain, U.S., Great Britain, Germany, and even Canada. MS-13 is well known for drug smuggling, black market gun sales, theft, contract killing, human trafficking, and assault, especially on law enforcement. In the U.S. alone, the gang has 10,000 members. This gang has no remorse for killing anyone. Mara Salvatrucha is known for hunting down and killing anyone who speaks to law enforcement about the gang. MS-13 is known for its extremely violent crimes, especially against innocents. The gang has gone as far to set a bus full of children and women on fire which ended in 28 deaths.

THE WORLDS BEST THROW IN

BERNIE ECCLESTONES WIFE WANTS TWO MIDGETS

THE soon-to-be ex-wife of Formula One tycoon Bernie Ecclestone has vowed to buy a taller husband or two midgets that can be bolted together.

Slavica Ecclestone is expected to receive enough money in her divorce settlement to buy any man, or combination of men, that she wants.

She said last night: "When I was a young girl my idea of the perfect husband was a man who was suave, sophisticated, about six foot tall and had a billion pounds.

"But unfortunately at the age of 26 I found myself in the position where I had to choose between a man who was nine foot tall but skint and a three foot midget with two billion pounds.

"I chose Bernie Ecclestone."

She added: "We had many happy years but there's only so long you can be a climbing frame for a monkey. Even a very, very rich monkey.

"But soon I will have the money and I can choose. I suppose the easy thing would be to have one very large husband but I really like the idea of two midgets in a boiler suit.

"Then they can take it in turns to be the one on top. It'll keeps things fresh."


thanks to the daily mash

PICS OF THE WEEK

WHAT I WOULD DO IF........

CLICK PICTURE TO ENLARGE

IDIOT OF THE WEEK

I GOT MY FIRST CHRISTMAS CARD TODAY

thanks to Mike Molloy

TEVEZ'S MUM VISITS HIM AT UNITED

thanks to Mike Molloy

RELIGION CARD GAME

CLICK TO ENLARGE

TODAY'S QUICKIES

I went to the doctors for a check up and he asked me how I was sleeping.
"Like a baby," I said.
"Good," he replied.
I disagreed. "Waking up every four hours lying in my own piss and shit screaming the house down is not good."

When Madonna first came to England she said she wanted to be more English; she's now an unmarried mother with three kids and one of them is black, how much more English can one get?

Stephen Hawking is in intensive care with 2 broken legs, a dislocated shoulder and a shattered hip apparently, he went on a date last night and she stood him up!!!!

Latest news about the woman with a Hoover nozzle jammed up her fanny, the doctors said although she is still in intensive care she is picking up nicely!!

Do you like Wayne Rooney's new haircut? Apparantly it happened as a result of a misunderstanding when Playboy Magazine offered Colleen £100,000 to shave her twat.

I went to the midget Olympics in Birmingham last week, my friends think it's sad, that small people should compete against other small people for gold medals….

I personally don't think there's anything wrong with a little competition.

A Scottish woman walks into her bedroom & finds her husband simulating sex with his wellie.
"Hamish!" she shouts
"You dirty bastard...Stop fucking aboot!"

I work in a paperless office. I thought it would be great until I went for a shit...

Only in America would they combine a department Alcohol, Tobacco and firearms. I phoned them up and said “what wine do you recommend I drink, when I go shooting my M16 semi- automatic.

THE NORTY ONE RETURNS

Hi Guys,

Well after a great trip through Alaska, Canada and California, I'm back with an inbox bursting with goodies.

So stand by for a lot of great new stuff coming to a screen near you very soon.