TODAYS QUICKIES

Every time the door bell goes, our dog runs straight into a corner..
Is it because...he's a boxer?

Why wouldn't they let Matthew Kelly manage the England squad?
Because, he wanted to put Seaman in the under 16's.

Man goes to fancy dress party; he wears nothing but a jam jar on his cock.
Lady asks "What are you?"
He says "I’m a Fireman....., you break the glass, pull the knob and I'll cum as fast as I can"

A woman goes into the dentist's, she takes off her knickers and sits in the dentist's chair with a leg on each arm.
You have made a mistake madam. The gynaecologist is on the next floor.
No mistake'' she replies, yesterday you fitted my husband with new dentures - today I want you to take them out

Jade Goody from Big Brother has apparently changed her name and adopted the Muslim faith to prove she isn’t racist.
She wants to be known as Yaffat Fukka

Irishman walks into pet shop
Irishman: "You have any goldfish?"
Man behind counter: "You want an aquarium?"
Irishman: "I don’t care what fucking star sign it is!"

A boy goes up to his mother and asks "Why have I got the biggest dick in my class??? Is it because I’m black???"
His mother replies "Fuck off!! It's because you’re the teacher dickhead!!”

They asked me to run a marathon, I said NO!
They said it's for blind kids and spastics,
I thought fuck it, I could win this.

I like to look on the good side of prison.
At least by the time you get out, you'll be able to smuggle twice the amount of drugs up your rectum.

My sister is covered in moles. We used to just call her "Moley." Then she went down to the church and got herself saved. Now we call her "Holy Moley." And she married a Mexican feller, now we call her "Guaca-Moley"

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.

THE BEST FREE JUKEBOX IN THE WORLD

Simply click on the link below the jukebox and you will be taken to a real jukebox, where you click on any music you want and it plays in the background while you work.

http://www.tropicalglen.com/

Thanks to Bob (Englebert) Atkinson

WAYS TO LACE YOUR SPORTS SHOES

I had no idea there was more than one way to lace your shoes.

Here are just a few examples:

More

ANNA NICOLE'S COFFIN

They had to make a special coffin for Anna Nicole Smith, and we have the first picture of it.

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Thanks to Mick Molloy

IF YOU ARE A TRUE AUSTRALIAN, READ THIS

Maybe we should turn to our history books and point out to people why today's Australian is not willing to accept the new kind of immigrant any longer. Back in 1900 when there was a rush from all areas of Europe to come to Australia, people had to get off a ship and stand in a long line in Sydney and be documented.
Some would even get down on their hands and knees and kiss the ground.

They made a pledge to uphold the laws and support their new country in good and bad times.

They made learning English a primary rule in their new Australian households and some even changed their names to blend in with their new home. They had waved goodbye to their birth place to give their children a new life and did everything in their power to help their children assimilate into one culture. Nothing was handed to them. No free
lunches, no welfare, no labour laws to protect them. All they had were the skills, craftsmanship and desire they had brought with them to trade for a future of prosperity.

Most of their children came of age when World War II broke out.
Australians fought along side men whose parents had come straight over from Germany, Italy, France, Japan, Czechoslovakia, Russia, Sweden, and so many other places. None of these first generation Australians ever gave any thought about what country their parents had come from. They were Australians fighting Hitler, Mussolini and the Emperor of Japan.

They were defending the Freedom as one people. When we liberated France, no one in those villages was looking for the people of France, they saw only Australians. And we carried one flag that represented our country. Not one of those immigrant sons would have thought about picking up another country's flag and waving it to represent who they were.
It would have been a disgrace to their parents who had sacrificed so much to be here. These immigrants truly knew what it meant to be Australian.

And here we are in 2007 with a new kind of immigrant who wants the same rights and privileges. Only they want to achieve it by playing with a different set of rules, one that includes an Australian passport and a guarantee of being faithful to their mother country.
I'm sorry, that's not what being Australian is all about.

Australians have been very open hearted and open minded regarding immigrants, whether they were fleeing poverty, dictatorship, persecution, or whatever else makes a person adopt a foreign country. And I suppose, when we say adopt, we think of those aforementioned immigrants who truly did ADOPT our country, and our flag and our morals and our customs. and left their wars, hatred, and divisions behind.

I believe that the immigrants who landed in Australia in the early 1900s deserve better than that for the toil, hard work and sacrifice in raising future generations to create a land that has become a beacon for those legally searching for a better life.

I think they would be appalled that they are being used as an example by those waving foreign country flags, fighting foreign battles on our soil, making Australians change to suit their religions and cultures, and wanting to change our country's fabric by claiming discrimination when we do not give in to their demands.

P.S. KEEP THIS LETTER MOVING!! I hope it gets read by millions of people all across this great brown land!