TODAYS SAD BASTARDS

NOT SEXY...

Improve Your Sex Life

A girl found that she was not satisfying her current partner in bed, and decided to purchase a weekly correspondence course entitled "Better Sexual Techniques for Women - a seven week course".

Week 1
A letter came through the post, telling her to complete the entire course before trying any of the techniques on her partner. The first step was for her to wear nothing but a belt and tie a piece of string to the front of the belt. On the end of the string should be tied a apple, strategically placed to line up with her pubic region. She should then stand in front of the mirror and practice repeatedly hitting the apple by thrusting with her pubic region, for about 30 minutes every day for a week. Which she did, muttering to herself "Hit the apple ... hit the apple ..."

Week 2
A single page came through the post, telling her to attach a piece of string to the rear of the belt and to dangle a plum on the end of the string mid-way between her knees and her bottom. She then had to practice, in front of the mirror, hitting the apple and dodging the plum. So she did, muttering to herself "Hit the apple; dodge the plum ... hit the apple; dodge the plum ..."

Week 3
Getting into the swing of it, the next step was to attach a pair of pears to each side of the belt so that they hung down level with the centre of the hips. The pears had to be knocked using a circular motion that made them twist around on the strings. So she did that, muttering to herself "Hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears ... hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears ..."

Week 4
The latest page told her to stand over a small stool and squat down onto it after she had done all the other things. So she did that, muttering to herself "Hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears; thump the stool ... hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears; thump the stool ..."

Week 5
With her curiosity increasing, she opened the next part of the course. This required her to strap a slice of lemon to the inside of one knee and, after all the other actions had been performed, she had to squeeze the lemon between her knees. So she did that, muttering to herself "Hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears; thump the stool; squeeze the lemon ... hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears; thump the stool; squeeze the lemon ..."

Week 6
The penultimate step, the course reported. Back to the belt and the string again, this time to dangle a grape down her back such that it lay between her buttocks. The grape had to be crushed between her buttocks. So she did that, muttering to herself "Hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears; thump the stool; squeeze the lemon; crush the grape ... hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears; thump the stool; squeeze the lemon; crush the grape ..."

Week 7.
The final training session! Trembling with anticipation, she opened the post to discover that this week's instructions were to engage in the act of sexual congress with her partner flat on his back and her squatting on top. Then she had to undertake a repetition of the completed training; imagining that she was wearing the belt. So she did that, muttering to herself "Hit the apple ... dodge the plum ... spin the pears ... thump the stool ... squeeze the lemon ... crush the grape ... hit the apple ... dodge the plum ... spin the pears ... thump the stool ... squeeze the lemon ... crush the grape ..."

Her partner cried "Ooooooh!"
She cried "Ooooooh!" and went a bit faster:
"Hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears; thump the stool; squeeze the lemon; crush the grape ... hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears; thump the stool; squeeze the lemon; crush the grape ..."

Her partner cried "OOOOOOOh!"
She cried "OOOOOOh!" and went a bit faster:
"Hit-the-apple dodge-the-plum spin-the-pears thump-the-stool squeeze-the-lemon crush-the-grape; hit-the-apple dodge-the-plum spin-the-pears thump-the-stool squeeze-the-lemon crush-the-grape;"

Her partner cried "YES! YES!"

She cried "YES! YES!" and went even faster:
"Hit-apple dodge-plum spin-pears thump-stool squeeze-lemon crush-grape; hit-apple dodge-plum spin-pears thump-stool squeeze-lemon crush-grape;"

Her partner cried "AAARGGGHHH!"
She cried "AAAAAARRRGGGGGHH!" and went even faster:
"Apple Plum Pears Stool Lemon Grape; Apple Plum Pears Stool Lemon Grape;"

Her partner cried "FASTER!"
She cried "FUCK IT!" and went:
"AppleAppleAppleAppleApple..."

MEN ONLY STOOL

WORKSAFE

HEY MASTERBATA

Unofficial Macarena's song

The Masturbata
(sung to tune of the Macaraena) Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alona,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bona,
Go and grab a Penthouse its the one with Sharon Stona
Hey Masturbata!!

I go a little faster and its feeling kind of nicea
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twicea.
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advicea.
Hey Masturbata!!

I use some baby oil or a little Vaselina,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana
Never shake my hand cause you don't know where its beena
Hey Masturbata!!

I do it in the car when I'm driving down the streeta,
One hand on the wheel and the other's on my meata,
I can't get out the car cause I'm sticking to the seata,
Hey Masturbata!

Since I was a kid I have been a Masturbata,
Choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomata
I've looked at Miss Nove ber now I'n gonna decorate her
Hey Masturbata!

Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard, bacon shakinga
Pounding on the flounder and its mayonnaise I'm makinga
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is achinga.
Hey Masturbata!

HAIRCUT SIR???

CAMEL LOVE

BRILLIANT MAGIC