THE WAY TO LIVE IN RETIREMENT

Recently I was checking my bank account and thinking about retirement, as everyone does when they get to my age.

I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes and the expenses. Then it hit me. No nursing home for me!

Here is my plan: I’m checking into the Holiday Inn. With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it’s $69.23 per night. That leaves $119.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.

Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient.

Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling.

There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.

Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.

Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends.

Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.

Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.

Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the easibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $60 a night!

"So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin.

Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!"

A LETTER TO MY WIFE

To My Loving Wife:

Sugar magnolia, you rock my world.

And I want you to know that while I love you more than you'll ever know, I think I could also love three or four other women.

Not at the same time, though.

I mean, I wish. But I couldn't. And no one knows that better than you, darling of mine.

Sweetheart, you're my everything. Honestly, I can't ever see myself spending long periods of time with anyone other than you. You mean that much to me. However, I could easily see myself spending a night or two with a few loose women in a seedy hotel room in Vegas.

This is not the kind of long-lasting, everlasting love the two of us share, darling. This is more like a take-everything-off-but-the-stillettos-and-do-you-have-change-for-a-fifty kind of love.

What I treasure most about the time we spend together is that often we can simply look at each other and never have to say a word. With these other women, I would never be able to do that. There would always be awkward conversations like, "Okay, bend over the table and lift your right leg. No. Higher."

And for a short period of time, I suppose I would be okay with that. But that sort of love grows tiresome after a while. Plus, you can really burn through your money in no time flat.

You are always my number one. My one and only. I will always come back to you. You're my soul and my inspiration. You're my dream come true.

Well, actually, those two women in the mud wrestling commercial are my dream come true. But after them, you're right up there.

Yours always,
Me

LUCKY TO BE ALIVE

It seems this guy, went thru the barrier on the right hand side, flipped over the culvert and landed right way up, on the edge.

GAY JOKES

This Faggot goes to the doctor and him to test him for AIDS. A week later he goes back and the doctor confirms his worst
fears - the tests showed positive. The fag is destroyed. He breaks down and begs the doctor to prescribe him something, anything, that'll help.
"Well," the doctor says. "Go down to the health food store and buy a kilo of prunes, then go to the chemist and get some strong laxatives; then wander down to the supermarket and buy a bottle of Tobasco sauce and some chilli powder. Go home and mix it all together and heat it on the stove for 20 minutes....then drink it!"
The faggot's a bit dubious, "And that'll cure the AIDS?" he asks.
"No," says the doctor smiling, "but it'll teach you what you what your arsehole is for!"

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents. He went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply and gave no response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"

A country boy ends up in the big city. He is walking around in awe of everything. He decides to quench his thirst and enters a bar. After a couple of beers, off he goes to the loo. He walks into the toilet and is shocked at what he sees. He quickly leaves.
The barkeep lisps, "What's wrong?"
The country boy replies," You wouldn't believe what is going on in there."
"What?"
The country boy is shaking his head, "Well there is a guy standing at the urinal being corn-holed by a guy behind him. And that guy is getting his fudge packed by a guy behind HIM."
The bartender leans in closer, gets all serious and lisps out his next question. "The guy in the middle wouldn't have been wearing a yellow T-shirt would he?"
"I think he was. Why?"
"He's lucky at cards too."

There are these two queers, named Cyril and Cecil, driving happily along in their car. As they came to an intersection, they stopped for the red light. All of a sudden a big articulated truck comes crunching through the back of their car!
Cyril and Cecil were really pissed! Cyril says to Cecil to get out of the car to tell off the truck driver.
So Cecil gets out of the car and approaches the truck driver, who apparently is one huge mother trucker (tattoos and all)!
"You bloody idiot! Look at what you've done to our beloved car!", exclaims Cecil. "You're going to pay for this damage you know!"
"Fuck you!", shouts the truck driver.
This prompted Cecil to go back to his car, to discuss the situation with Cyril.
"I think he wants to settle out of court, Cyril."

MALE WORLD RECORDS....

Expletives:

On 9th June 1996, Mr. Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a stone masons mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in Tewksbury, Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14mins 7secs. without stopping once or repeating a swear word. He later attempted to better this feat on BBC TV's Record Breakers programme by dropping a car battery on his foot. It ended in failure when he repeated the word bastard after 12mins 58secs.

Beer Drinking:

The greatest amount of beer drunk before going to the lavatory was 25.5 litres (45 pints) of assorted weak lagers, by Mr. George Wingfield downed in various pubs in Knutsford high street, Cheshire between 12:15pm and 2:38pm on 22nd December 1986.

Urinating:

The longest piss delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins 24secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986.Mr Wingfield was arrested and charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19mins 24sec before taking him back to the station for a kicking.

Hottest Curry Eaten:

Many claims are made about the ferocity of curries eaten, but in the main they are difficult to substantiate. The hottest verifiable curry eaten was a XXXHot Chicken Murg Thaal with extra chillies consumed by George Wingfield (GB) at the Bengal Tiger restaurant, Knutsford on 23rd December 1986. The curry was reportedly so hot that between kitchen and table it burst into flames, singeing the waiters eyebrows.

Biggest Fart:

The largest and most catastrophic fart was one dropped by Mr. George Wingfield (GB) in the car park of the Dog and Duck, Knutsford, on the morning of the 24th December 1986.Suffering from terrible guts Mr. Wingfield gingerly attempted to squeeze one out whilst bending to pick up his car keys, but the resulting flatulent explosion blew his entire digestive tract out of his arse. Attending firemen hosed down his smoking guts for two hours before paramedics with breathing apparatus could begin the process of pushing them back up.

Holiday Gymnastics:

The greatest number of press-ups done in front of some girls on a beach is 6 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) whilst on holiday in San Antonio, Ibiza on 19th August 1988. The girls went off with a waiter.

Loudest Car Stereo:

The Saisho stereo fitted in the Mk.II Escort belonging to Wayne Fletcher (GB) reached a momentary peak noise level of 312dB whilst waiting at some traffic lights next to some girls in Stockport, Cheshire on 8th July 1988. This noise level is equivalent to 8 Concordes taking off inside the car. The girls walked off.

Car Customisation:

Judged as a proportion of the overall value of the car, the accessories fitted to the Mark II Escort of Wayne Fletcher (GB) add up to the world's most expensive car customisation project at 105761%. Between 8th March 1986 and 22nd September 1996, Fletcher has spent a grand total of £63,456.99 at the Stockport branch of Halfords in attempt to attract girls to his vehicle.His fruitless purchases include a Paddy Hopkirk Full Body Styling Kit (£3500), 'Nightrider' style Disco Stop Lights (£199), Split 45 Weber Carburettors x4 (£200), Scorpion Talking Alarm, (£500) and a Chromium plated Mock Twin Exhaust Extension (£285). The car is currently valued at £50 to £60.

Longest Wheel Spin:

The greatest length of time a car has screeched its wheels to impress some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) in his Mark II Escort. When traffic lights in Stockport, Cheshire turned green Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed that his front wheels spun for an amazing 42 secs before the car began to move. Both tyres fell to pieces and the clutch dropped out twenty yards down the road. The girls walked off.

FEMALE WORLD RECORDS....

Car Parking:

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs.E.Simpkins (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993.She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts.

Incorrect Driving:

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Arid, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Video Lesbianism:

The longest period of time that two women in a pornographic film have sat together on a settee without starting to fondle each other is 8.3 secs, in the 1994 low budget production 'Strap on Sally vol.3'.

The longest a woman has sat alone on the settee without starting to fondle herself is 5.2 secs. in the same film.

Traffic Light Cosmetics:

The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1hr 51mins 38secs. by Miss J. Dobson at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.

Group Toilet Visit:

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a night-club in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994.Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving en mass the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hrs 37mins later.

Shop Dithering

The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st
August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham
branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wearit.
Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.

Jumble Sale Massacre

The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on
February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.

Talking about Nothing

Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an enlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.

Gossiping

On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury, popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy.
By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles,a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

Film Confusion

The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?"

Single Breath Sentence

An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant spasms.

I'M JUST GOING FOR A J. ARTHUR RANK...

BEST TERMS FOR SPANKING THE MONKEY.

I'm just gonna....

Audition the hand puppet

Beat the fuck out of my best friend

Choke the bald guy 'til he pukes

Drop the kids off at the pool

Get my palm red

Play pocket polo with Agent Johnson

Polish the purple people pleaser

Romance the bone

Slap the big-nosed Rasta man

Take little Elvis to Graceland

And for the Ladies

Buttering your bagel

Defrosting the freezer

Doing the two-finger slot rumba

Filling the pink taco

Fluffing the kitty

Going to and from the Batcave

Hand tossing the tuna salad

Makin' waves for the man-in-the-boat

Paddling the pink canoe

Riding your own mule down Grand Canyon

Slapping the mackerel

Tiptoe through the TwoLips

Two-finger taco tango

YOUR SONG

THANKS TO ELTON JOHN'S YOUR SONG

I sat on the beach
And looked out at the sea,
And some of the people, well they,
They looked good to me.
Then I saw you standing there
And it made my smile fade.
It's for people like you that long pants were made.

So excuse me for staring,
But I can't look away --
Your horrible flabby cheeks,
Your thighs a shade of gray.
Well, the thing is,
Your body's really obscene.
Yours is the fattest arse I've ever seen.

And I can tell what the problem is:
It is your thong.
It's really too tiny and
It just looks all wrong.
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put in this song
How horrible you look when you wear a thong
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I gouged out my eyes --
I couldn't stand seeing after I saw your thighs.

MY PENIS IS TOO BIG, WHAT SHOULD I DO?

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TRUE LOVE

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BOO!!!!!

POSITION WANTED

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TODAYS CARTOONS

5 MINUTE TRIVIA QUIZ

1 Which football team has its ground closest to the river Mersey?

2 Royston Vasey is the fictional town in the League of Gentlemen but it is also the real name of which comedian?

3 What is the stage name of Ian and Janet Tough?

4 Zahara and Maddox are the adopted children of which Hollywood star?

5 On August 22nd 1964, Liverpool`s 3-2 defeat of Arsenal was the first ever match to do what?

6 What is Austin Powers middle name?

7 Which famous fictional character was born on 31st July, 1981?

8 What was the Spice Girls` debut single called?

9 Which famous sporting team first began in 1926 when they were known as the Savoy Big Five?

10 For which film did Steven Spielberg win his first Oscar?

For answers click Comments

LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEW SEASON WITHOUT HENRY