OF COURSE THEY'RE SCISSORS

There are times when kids draw something and you just have to say... 'Wow, tell me about your picture,' because you have no clue what it is.........................

This one you know right away...Enjoy!

OF COURSE THEY'RE SCISSORS!

QUOTE FROM THE MUM:

THIS IS MY KINDERGARTNER'S ARTISTIC RENDERING OF A PAIR OF SCISSORS. I WONDER WHAT HIS TEACHER THOUGHT. I ALLOWED MYSELF JUST A SMALL SMIRK WHEN I SAW IT.

I WAITED UNTIL HE WAS OUT OF THE ROOM UNTIL I STARTED LAUGHING.

WELL, OF COURSE THEY'RE SCISSORS.

IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WITH A SMALL CHILD OR IF YOU ARE A TEACHER YOU WILL LOVE THIS!

AS YOU WILL OF COURSE ALL KNOW, I WILL BE REQUIRED TO PROUDLY DISPLAY THIS ON MY REFRIGERATOR FOR A LENGTH OF TIME.................

PICS OF THE WEEK

POLITICALLY INCORRECT (THEY WILL UPSET EVERYBODY)

My father told me to marry a girl who has the same opinions as my family. Yeah right, like I’m going to marry someone who thinks I’m a lazy arsehole.

Political correctness has gone too far. These days I am expected to get permission off my own wife before I make love to her. Well it seems a shame to wake her up.

I can't fucking stand Mark Lawrenson. If I want someone to constantly interrupt my enjoyment of the football with pointless, witless, ill-informed shite then I'll get a girlfriend.

I remember the best day of my life. In church, friends and family all around, my wife next to me, I turned, kissed her on the cheek, closed the lid and watched her burn.

My girlfriend said to me that she wanted me to tease her, so I said: "Who’s a little fat piggy then?"

What the fuck is the world coming to? My Mother had her bag stolen this morning, there is piss everywhere...

So they've found a battered Paki in Dewsbury - they'll eat fucking anything, won't they?

What's pink, hard and comes every morning?
The Financial Times cryptic crossword

Ann Summers has brought out a new lubricant called KY Terry.
It's designed to help you slip in the box more easily.

How come the film 'White Men Can't Jump' isn't racist but, when I try to make a film called 'Black Men Can't Get Jobs', I get called a racist?

GIFS OF THE WEEK

JOKES OF THE WEEK

My dad had to go to the hospital. He had a really weird accident, he managed somehow to get a vacuum cleaner stuck up his arse. I phoned the hospital to see how he was going.

I said "is my dad with the vacuum cleaner stuck up his arse there?"

They said: "yes he's here"

I said "how is he?"

They said: “I’m afraid he’s going to dy son”

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Melbourne and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, "Uh... yes here it is... OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the Gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to Sydney." "Oh why, is that where the job's based?" "No, that's where the end of the queue is!"

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any Ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog came back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He saw only two ducks out There."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back He said, "I don't believe it! Where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too." So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has.

The breeder obliges, and Earl brings the dog home, and tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a Fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, he was trying to tell you that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood!" as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

A young farmer doesn't have the slightest idea about breeding his sheep so, not wanting to display his ignorance, gives the vet a ring, and only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his LandRover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take and loads them in the LandRover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure and then brings them back and goes to bed.
The following morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
'No,' she says, 'they're all in the LandRover and one of them is beeping the horn.'

SILLY OLD BUGGERS

CLASSIC FROM IRISH RADIO

WEDDING OF THE YEAR

BEST MOVIE ENDINGS EVER

Click on titles to watch clips: and tell us your favourites

20 Se7en
David Fincher, 1995

Kevin Spacey’s gruesomely creative serial killer takes the Seven Deadly Sins as his inspiration for a series of horrible and slightly sanctimonious murders. Can Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman catch the killer before he dispatches all of his targets?

The “head in a box” denouement is a jaw-dropper of an ending. Pitt and Spacey’s characters take on the mantles of Wrath and Envy, respectively: Spacey’s jealousy of the cop’s domestic bliss with bride Gwyneth Paltrow causes him to chop her head off; Pitt’s rage and grief prompts him to execute the killer on the spot. WENDY IDE

19 The Blair Witch Project
Daniel Myrick, Eduardo Sanchez, 1999

After numerous screen freak-outs, lost students Heather (Heather Donohue), Mike (Mike Williams) and Josh (Josh Leonard) are in a deserted house. Heather screams, Mike is killed by an unseen assailant and the last shot we see, in Heather’s grainy video footage, is of Josh standing in a catatonic stupor, facing the corner walls of the basement, like a punished child. Creepy. KEVIN MAHER

18 Memento
Christopher Nolan, 2000

Leonard (Guy Pearce) is so traumatised by his wife’s murder that he is incapable of remembering anything, bar the occasional jigsaw-like flashback. As he pieces together the clues and tracks down the man who killed his wife, we share his revelations and his triumphs, sympathising with his need to remind himself of what he’s done using notes and tattoos. Then we realise that Leonard is on his way to kill an innocent man. As Leonard drives away his satisfaction at killing his wife’s “murderer” is, we realise, only temporary. We have been had. Leonard’s amnesiac quest for revenge has turned him into a serial killer, doomed to repeat his actions ad infinitum. And we have been on his side. NIGEL KENDALL

17 Planet of the Apes
Franklin J Schaffner, 1968

Dignified seminaked astro-hunk George Taylor (Charlton Heston) has finally escaped from his brutish gorilla overlords, and is taking a coastal canter when it happens. First the mangled torch creeps into shot, then the crown of lady Liberty herself. Taylor realises that he’s not on another planet but on postapocalyptic Earth! “You maniacs!” he screams. “You blew it up! Damn you! God damn you all to Hell!” KM

16 The Shawshank Redemption
Frank Darabont, 1994

Having endured decades of wrongful incarceration, beatings, rape and false hope, Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins) escapes from his gothic jail. After gleefully detailing Dufresne’s flight, Darabont was unsure whether to show his subsequent reunion with jail buddy Red (Morgan Freeman) on a Mexican beach. He wisely chose the even more uplifting option – as his editor noted: “Tell me that smile on Morgan’s face isn’t going to leave the audience as high as a kite.” ED POTTON

15 Gone With the Wind
Victor Fleming, 1939

Boasting a double-whammy of iconic endings, this Civil War epic closes with the destitute heroine Scarlett O’Hara (Vivien Leigh) being dumped by husband Rhett Butler (Clark Gable) with the immortal lines: “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” The feisty Scarlett regroups and, within 50 seconds of screen time, faces the camera for that classic tear-stained close-up, announcing: “I’ll think of some way to get him back. After all, tomorrow is another day.” KM

14 Doctor Strangelove
Stanley Kubrick, 1964

This comedic countdown to nuclear apocalypse concludes in appropriately bombastic style, with Peter Sellers’ eponymous, wheelchair-bound strategist suddenly finding the use of his legs and Slim Pickens’s bomb commander riding an ICBM, rodeo style, out of a plane. Kubrick’s masterstroke was following such outrageousness with a michievously serene montage of explosions set to Vera Lynn’s We’ll Meet Again. EP

13 Les Diaboliques
Henri-Georges Clouzot, 1955

Forget the so-so American remake – the black-and-white French original has one of the most shocking denouements in screen history. The illtreated wife and the mistress of a cruel provincial head-master are conspiring to kill him, and appear to have done so. Until his “corpse” rears up out of the bathtub, sending his wife into terminal cardiac arrest. Just as her plotting husband and his mistress had hoped. EP

12 The Wizard of Oz
Victor Fleming, 1939

The prototype twist ending has Dorothy Gale (Judy Garland) waking up back in drab and dreary Kansas and realising that the previous 90 minutes of multicol-oured action adventure were only part of a fever dream. Bummer. Farm hands Hunk (Ray Bolger), Zeke (Bert Lahr) and Hickory (Jack Haley) gather round Dorothy’s sickbed, invoking their counterparts from Oz – Scarecrow, Lion and Tinman respectively. Dorothy decides that, despite the allure of faraway lands, “There’s no place like home”. KM

11 Thelma & Louise
Ridley Scott, 1991

In this outlaw chick-flick Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis are on the lam in a Ford Thunderbird convertible. After a truck-stop altercation turns deadly, the two women flee across the US. Eventually they are cornered by the police, but Sarandon floors the accelerator and sends the car hurtling over a cliff. Part exploitation movie, part cri de coeur for abused women, this film let its girls go down gloriously unrepentant. WI

10 The Sixth Sense
M. Night Shyamalan, 1999

The twist to tend all twists. Try as he did in subsequent movies such as Signs and The Village, Shyamalan has failed to trump his debut film’s climax. Cole, a child psychologist (Bruce Willis), is making good progess with a troubled boy who can “see dead people” (Haley Joel Osment), until it dawns on Cole that he himself is a ghost. The genius of the ending was not just its unexpectedness, but the way it forced a reevalution of the film’s previous events – “So that’s why his wife was ignoring him!” EP

9 The Usual Suspects
Bryan Singer, 1995

Cop Dave Kujan (Chazz Palminteri) thinks he has the case of enigmatic criminal mastermind Keyser Söze sewn up, until it turns out that Verbal Kint (Kevin Spacey) – the informer Kujan has rashly set free – made up most of his story and is probably Söze himself, a double bombshell that Singer drops in a dazzlingly edited final flourish. EP

8 The Italian Job
Peter Collison, 1969

This light-hearted heist movie boasts the ultimate cliff-hanger ending – literally. Michael Caine and his colourful band of crims have just pulled off a daring bullion robbery from a bank in Turin. The getaway by bus goes smoothly until an accident sends the vehicle into a skid, leaving it dangling precariously over the edge of a cliff. Cue great final line: “Hang on lads, I’ve got an idea . . .” WI

7 Some Like It Hot
Billy Wilder, 1959

It’s the perfect ending to the perfect screwball comedy. Italian mobsters have seen through Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis’s female disguises. Along with Marilyn Monroe, they flee on board the yacht of millionaire Osgood Fielding III, who is smitten by Lemmon’s female alter ego, Daphne. Lemmon desperately tries to dissuade Osgood, finally ripping off his wig and shouting: “I’m a man.” The smirking Osgood’s reply is one of the great last lines: “Nobody’s perfect.” WI

6 Breakfast At Tiffany’s
Blake Edwards, 1961

In torrential rain, in an insalubrious Manhattan alleyway, Audrey Hepburn’s Holly Golightly desperately searches for Cat, the stray pet she just cruelly dumped from a cab. The missing cat represents her decision not to close herself off from love and mutual dependency. Only when she finds him can she move on with George Peppard’s impoverished writer Paul. There’s not a dry eye in the house – and the sodden cat’s furious expression is hilarious. WI

5 Chinatown
Roman Polanski, 1974

Private eye Jake Gittes (Jack Nicholson) has blundered into a murder case that involves multimillionaire Noah Cross (John Huston) and a scandal about the Los Angeles water supply. Gittes, hired by Cross, discovers that Cross has had an incestuous relationship with his daughter, Evelyn, that has produced a child, Katherine. Cross wants the child. Evelyn wants to keep her away from her wicked father. Gittes has fallen in love with Evelyn, but suspects her of murder.

In the devastating final scene, all the film’s protagonists and plotlines twist together. Evelyn drives away at high speed with her daughter through the streets of Chinatown. The police fire warning shots, one of which kills Evelyn. Cross takes Katherine. He has the child he wanted.

But at what cost? Gittes knows the truth about Cross’s relationship to the child, but is powerless to stop him. A crowd gathers around the fatal scene. Gittes is told to turn away. “Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.” The camera, indifferent, fades out, leaving us as desolate and shocked as Gittes. NK

4 E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial
Steven Spielberg, 1982

After weeping at E.T.’s tragic death, then weeping again at his resurrection, and again as Elliott (Henry Thomas) and Co magically take to the skies, what could possibly be next? Nothing but the mother of all weepies in the final farewell scene. Here the composer John Williams pummels the soul, Spielberg yanks every heartstring, and E.T. touches the blubbering Elliott’s forehead with his flashlight finger, saying: “I’ll be right here.” Then E.T. disappears up inside a giant Fabergé egg. Brilliant. KM

3 Casablanca
Michael Curtiz, 1942

Driven to cynicism and exile in wartime Casablanca by a woman who abandoned him in Occupied Paris, Rick (Humphrey Bogart) is not best pleased when she turns up in town with her freedom-fighting husband. But Bogie can’t stop loving her, nor she him. Now though, with Nazis all around, the fate of the world may depend on her husband’s safe passage out of Casablanca. Rick and Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman) must choose between enriching their own lives by eloping, or enriching the world’s by helping her escape with her husband. On the tarmac, the plane ready to taxi and the Nazis ready to spring, Bogart and the love of his life embrace for what we know will be the last time. Bogie’s ability to suggest the soft centre at the heart of a tough nut has never been matched. NK

2 Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
George Roy Hill, 1969

Pale, bullet-ridden, yet still bantering, our improbably handsome bank-robbing heroes Butch Cassidy (Paul Newman) and the Sundance Kid (Robert Redford) are trapped in an adobe barn, surrounded by the entire Bolivian army. They have just enough time for a few gags before it’s time for a suicidal frontal assault on their foes. “For a minute there, I thought we were in trouble,” quips Butch, before leading the charge. The soundtrack then reveals the inter-ballistic mayhem that follows, yet the screen simply freeze-frames on the men, an elegant portrait of courageous insanity. KM

1 Carrie
Brian De Palma, 1976

At the end of this Stephen King adaptation, Carrie (Sissy Spacek), who begins the film doused in the blood of her first period, has ended it drenched in the blood of pigs at a high-school prom. Unfortunately for her classmates, Carrie’s womanhood brought with it telekinetic powers, which she then uses to wipe out most of them – and herself – in a blaze of purifying flame. Sue (Amy Irving), one of the few survivors, visits Carrie’s freshly dug grave. She lays flowers. Carrie’s arm thrusts out of the soil and grabs her. A million stomachs leap. Sue wakes up. It was just a nightmare, but one that will never end. NK

NEVER TELL A WOMAN SHE CAN'T COOK

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER

EVER, EVER, EVER

AND I REPEAT....

NEVER....

EVER.....

TELL A WOMAN

SHE CAN'T COOK

Thanks to Mike Molloy

STRIPED ICEBERGS

Amazing Striped Icebergs

Icebergs in the Antarctic area sometimes have stripes, formed by layers of snow that react to different conditions.

Blue stripes are often created when a crevice in the ice sheet fills up with meltwater and freezes so quickly that no bubbles form.

When an iceberg falls into the sea, a layer of salty seawater can freeze to the undersi de. If this is rich in algae, it can form a green stripe.

Brown, black and yellow lines are caused by sediment, picked up when the ice sheet grinds downhill towards the sea.

I'M GONNA GO DOWN ON YOU....

Shhhhhh!!.......

Don't tell anyone......

I'm gonna go down on you....

...And you're gonna love it...........

........But it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it........

....Then I'm gonna come back up again and fuck you big time.....

Lots of love,
Petrol prices xx

Mind you I did hear that due to the price of petrol in Los Angeles, drive-by shootings are at a three year low.

KNIFE CRIME IN BRITAIN

It has been reported that 55% of Europeans are now saying that they avoid coming to BritainUK. because of concerns over knife crime, and that each reported knife attack puts off thousands of potential migrants to the Furthermore fear of knife-brandishing homeowners and "no-go areas" is forcing more and more door to door salesmen to quit and find other jobs.

And there I was thinking knife crime was a BAD thing.... Silly me!

TOP TIPS

COOKING: Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

DRINKERS: Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red I wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $50 to yourself by Australia Post.

HOME MAINTENANCE: You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

WAKING UP: A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

HOME IMPROVEMENTS: If it doesn't fit - get a bigger hammer.

CINEMA GOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.

BATHROOM: Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'?" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside department stores with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a dodgem car anyway.

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

COOKING: Boil an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.

SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.

TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind people with pointy sticks.

COLD: If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a Naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto - a warm snack!

HOME MAINTENANCE: If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.

YOUNG MOTHERS: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist.

FEMALE SHOP ASSISTANTS: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them $50 labour costs for the transaction.

CHECK THE BED

BEFORE YOU PUBLISH THE PICTURE YOU SHOULD CHECK THE BED

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

PERFECT PARTNERS

WHICH WAY IS THE WINDOW FACING

ADVICE FOR THE DAY

ADVICE

FOR THE DAY

NEVER.... NEVER...

EVER...UNDER ANY

Circumstances

Kiss A Monkey

THANKS TO MIKE MOLLOY