Friday, September 14, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
THE FEMALE DEMERIT SYSTEM... A GUIDE
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the system is set up.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed. (+1)
* You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
* You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5) In the rain. (+8) But return with Beer. (-5)
* You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
* You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)
* It's her pet. (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a college buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has silicone implants. (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner.. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2) And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2) It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter; you have one too." (-8000)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
[Yes, you lose points no matter what]
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response. (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes.(+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
PAVAROTTI JOKES
Ive had a phone call from the Pavarotti family so I got to work....
I bought a sheet of wood £5.65, glue £1.90, screws £1.50 and some varnish 80p...
You see you can make a coffin for a tenor.......
Ive just been on Ebay and there floggin two Pavarotti tickets for a tenor.....
Following the death of Pavarotti the three tenors will now be known as twenty quid....
I can sympathise with the Italians after the death of Pavorotti
I know what it's like to lose a tenner...
The undertaker hung up.............
They have ordered an extra large funeral car for Pavoritti....
It's the Nissan Dorma....
What is Pavarotti's wife getting for Christmas?
A smaller turkey...
Monday, September 10, 2007
ASK MRS.NORTY....
I go out drinking with my girl pals every night after work. We tend to get really hammered down the pub and afterwards pick up blokes in town before heading off for a quick knee trembler in the nearest alleyway. Most times I get a bit of a seeing too from some bloke and a free kebab, which normally lasts longer than he does. I don’t like to speak with my mouthful, as it is unladylike, so when they finish before I’m through with my donner I usually don’t get their names. Do you have any tips on how to get chilli sauce stains out of your crop top?
Hot stuff,
Haddington
Mrs Norty says
Is that what modern womanhood has come too? Quick sex with a different stranger every night in some filthy back alley? Sounds fantastic. Back in my day we had commitment and marriage, and quick sex with the same man every night in the same bloody position in the same boring old bedroom. So all that campaigning in the Seventies was not wasted after all. Try Vanish.
I HAVE embarked on an illicit affair with my boss Simon at work. He is married and though he says he loves me I think he is just kidding on. He won’t meet me outside the office, our few snatched moments together take place in the stationary cupboard where it’s a quick knee trembler then back to our desks. My friends say he is just using me for sex. I wrote to Trinny and Susanna and they agreed and told me dump him, but only after first slamming his bollocks in the cupboard door at our next little tryst. Have you got any better advice? The shaggin' is just out of this world!
Orgasmic,
Ormiston
Thanks for finally getting round to writing to me, although judging by the shocking state of your handwriting this one was knocked off extremely quickly in the stationary cupboard, much like yourself. Slam the door on his nadgers? What kind of advice is that from professional agony aunts? That whole bollock door slam routine went out with the ark. Go round to his house, cut the crotch out of all his trousers and paint “Simon shags secretaries” on the wall in the living room. Torch his car in the drive and post a picture of his pathetic privates on the internet. Is that what you wanted to hear? No? Well, try writing to me first in future. In the meantime try Dear Deirdre. She’s just happy to get any letters at all.
GLASGOWS BID
HE encapsulates modern Glasgow and extends a warm Scottish welcome to the world: He's Mungo the Shit-Faced Octopus.
"Ten years ago we might have gone for a little Scottie dog or even a cheeky wee haggis," said a council spokesman.
"The fact that we've chosen a shit-faced octopus shows just how much Glasgow has embraced the 21st Century."
Wayne Hayes, of design company Conceptomatix, explained the thinking behind the new brand.
"He's called Mungo, because Mungo is the name of our managing director.
"He's blue because of Glasgow's proud maritime tradition. He's under water because for millions of years the Glasgow area was completely submerged. He has eight legs because he's an octopus. And he's shit-faced because he's a Glaswegian octopus."
Conceptomatix is one of the UK's hottest young design agencies. Last year only 38% of their logo designs led to fits and seizures by members of the public.
The Nigerian capital Abuja, Glasgow's rival for the 2014 Games, unveiled its mascot last week. The city is pinning its hopes on 'Pipey', a six foot stretch of the Nigerian State Oil Corporation pipeline.
