Saturday, April 08, 2006
Friday, April 07, 2006
POSH & BECKS
David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank, "I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help to donate sperm?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies "Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker..."
David Beckham decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience.
He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as Posh stands back in
admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror he grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety.
Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over. Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered against the ground.
He is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune.....
The Sainsbury's security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.
What's the difference between David Beckham and a new Airfix model? One's a glueless kit...
Reuters reports today that Posh Spice, Victoria Beckham has held 'heart to heart' talks with husband David Beckham. In an effort to encourage honesty and reconciliation between the couple,
David's reaction is not known, however Michael Jackson has moved quickly to deny the allegation, claiming that Posh Spice knows full well that he, Jackson, was in
What do Posh Spice and Teddy Sheringham have in common?
They're both fucking useless footballers!
15 Easy Steps To Crap Like A Man
15 Easy Steps To Crap Like A Man
1. Select reading material.
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell wife in a loud voice, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your
legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities for the benefit of friends and wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. THIS IS IMPORTANT …. You must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the bowl.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or when, your wife next uses the toilet.
13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).
14. Check your hands they MAY need a wash.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
I WILL SURVIVE REMIXED
MALE VERSION
First I was afraid I was petrified
At the ugly slapper that was lying by my side
I should've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd
Assault me in your bed.
I tried to go, walk out the door
But you've been sitting on my legs and
I Can't feel them anymore
And now you're sitting on my face,
my nose has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that you're big knickers aren't
Made of liquorice lace
I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave
Only hope that no one saw me walking home
With such a slut.
God the things that you get up to
when you're half cut.
Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly
Breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what
Made me want to court her?
With tits that look like Tesco bags I've just
Filled up with water
It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting she wants sex on her
Dirty lino floor
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-ics curse.
I WILL SURVIVE !
FEMALE VERSION
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly wanker that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've
Tried to keep my head,
If I'd know for just one second I'd be in
Your crusty bed...
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that
I've fallen on the floor.
Your butts a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out
disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that, than at your
Fucking ugly face...!
I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes
Me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking
Spirts and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, you
Looked just like Richard Gere !
Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're
An ugly prick
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate,
At least he's got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm
Stuck with you, you twat.
It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm going
To have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me
Want to be a nun !
I WILL SURVIVE!!
QUICK AN' RUDE
A friend of mine entered a dog at Crufts, the police arrested him for bestiality.
I entered a strawberry picking competition last year and it was won by a woman with no legs....... The Jammy Cunt
A man comes to a doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his bollocks in the window. "What does this have to do with my throat?" "Nothing, I just hate that prick across the road."
"You should always unplug appliances before going to bed at night. There are two excepts to this rule: Fridges and life-support machines. Otherwise you could end up wasting a lot of vegetables"
Little Girl: "Mommy I just found out that the little boy next door has a penis like a peanut"
Mommy: "you mean it’s small?
"Little Girl:" No it’s salty"
What woman can wash up with left hand, cook tea with right, sweep with one leg dust with other. Give u a blowjob, and open a beer with her ass?
A Swiss Army Wife!
A recent survey reveals that 70% of Mancunians have had sex in the shower. The other 30% have not been to prison yet!
I said to my wife .What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said. Turn sideways and look in the mirror… you fat bastard.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
NEW BRITISH GAME SHOW
Asylum
Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of Asylum. Today's programme features another chance to take part in our exciting competition....
Hi-jack an airliner and win a council house. We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor, The British Taxpayer, and don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don't hold a valid British Passport. You only need to know one word of English: "ASYLUM".
Prizes include all expenses paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.
No application ever refused!! All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password: ASYLUM.
Only a few weeks ago 140 members of the Taliban family from
They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hostels all over
If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience. Just apply for legal aid!! Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help, it won't cost you a penny.
So play today. It could change your life forever. Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug smugglers, Tamil tigers, bogus Bosnians, COME ON DOWN!!
Be one of the tens of thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on earth. Roll up, roll up my friends for the game that never ends.
Everyone's a winner when they play ASYLUM.
JOKES OF THE DAY 5/04
Shopping Scam.
In Sainsburys, while loading your shopping into the car, you may be approuched by two fit 18 yr old girls in skimpy clothing. They wash your windscreen with their tits hanging out and then ask you for a lift home as payment.
On the way home they strip off and go down on each other. Then one climbs in the front and sucks you off. The other then nicks your wallet !
I had mine stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday again on Saturday and also yesterday !
A woman is standing nude in front of her bedroom mirror and looking at herself.
She says to her husband, “I’m horribly fat and ugly, please pay me a compliment.”
“Sure,” the husband replies, “your eye sight's fucking 20-20!”
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says," There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely - are... my... test...results...back?"
Sunday, April 02, 2006
POEM OF THE DAY 2/04
GIRLS PRAYER
Lord Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the wanker you sent me instead.
Amen.
GUYS PRAYER
Lord I pray for a chick with big tits.
Amen
JOKES OF THE DAY 2/04
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.
And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker."
A newlywed couple goes to bed early on christmas night. The wife awakes in the middle of the night, wakes her husband and says: "Honey, honey wake up! I had the most amazing dream!"
Husband: "Huh, what was it?"
Wife: "In my dream I saw a christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of dicks. There was big ones, small ones, black ones, white ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect dick: it was long and thick!"
Husband: "Well, it was my dick, right?"
Wife: "No, it was Dennis Rodman's!"
The husband, somewhat annoyed that his wife awoke him to tell him about a dream about Dennis Rodmans dick, rolled over and went to sleep. Later that evening the husband awoke and wakes his wife and says: "Honey, I had the most amazing dream!"
Wife: "What was it?"
Husband: "In my dream I saw a christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of pussy's. There were tight ones, loose ones, black ones, white ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect pussy: it was tight and shaved!"
Wife: "Was it mine?"
Husband: "No, yours was holding the tree up!"
Man says to wife I fancy kinky sex, how bout I cum in your ear ?
Wife says "No I might go deaf".
Man says "I've been cumming in your mouth for 20yrs and you still never stop fucking talking.
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