WHAT HAPPENED TO BAZ

WHY SOME MEN DIE EARLY 2

DON'T SEND YOUR WIFE TO THE HARDWARE STORE

Earl was fixing a door and he found

that he needed a new hinge,

so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store,

Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf

while she was waiting for Carl, the manager,

to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished,

Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"

Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe

the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy,

and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled,

"Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

LIFE IN BRITAIN IN THE 15TH CENTURY

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying It’s raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the “upper crust”.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.)
to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that’s the truth…Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE

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FIREMAN SEX

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,

‘You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,

BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,

BELL 3 rings and we’re on the fire
truck ready to go.

From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.’

The next night he came home from work and yelled,

‘BELL 1!’ The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled ‘BELL 2!’, the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled ‘BELL 3!’, they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled ‘BELL 4!’

What the hell is BELL 4?’

asked the husband?

GIVE ME MORE HOSE,’

she replied

‘YOU’RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

DAD, HERE'S SOME JOKES FOR THE PUB

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper .

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says,' License and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.

License and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.

License and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,

I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.

If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights

out of the lawyer and says

'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and drunk, all
for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third
pub.

Two men were driving through Esperance when they got pulled over.

The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and "Whack!"

-- the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Esperance, son," the cop answered.

"When we pull you over in Esperance, you better have your license ready

by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," he replied. "I'm from Kalgoorlie and didn't know the local laws here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license -- and finds out he's clean.

So he gives the guy his license back, then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The passenger rolled down the window and "Whack!"

-- the cop belted him with his nighstick.

"What did you do that for?" asked the passenger.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the cop.

"Making WHAT wish come true?"

"I know you lot from Kalgoorlie," the cop says.

"Two miles down the road you were going to say to your buddy,

'I wish that asshole had tried that shit with me.'"

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying

and he called his grandson to his bed and told him:

"Grandson I wanta you to listen to me.

I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me".

The grandson replies: "But grandpa I really don't like guns,

how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead"

.The don, angry, answers: "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness,

you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money,

a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino,

some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man.

Whata you gonna do then?

Pointa to your watch and “TIME THEM"?

Man robs a bank and takes hostages.

He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, yes.

The robber shoots him dead.

He asks the second hostage if he too saw him rob
the bank.
The second hostage says, yes, and the robber
shoots him dead.

The robber goes up to the third hostage and asks him if he saw him rob the bank.

The third hostage answers, “No, but my wife did.”

SONS OF SHANKLY VIDEO

LETTER FROM WAYNE

Hi Guys,

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne, and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a Full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Wayne

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Wayne died tragically on February 1st of a perforated rectum. The police

Report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman

jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club lengthwise.