AMERICAN IRONY

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY

SAN FRANCISCO - We spoke to Jay Fullmer, 38, who became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony yesterday.

"It was weird," Fullmer said, "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and shit and he said, like, great weather, or something like that." Said Fullmer: "And I thought - wait a minute, it's like, no way is it great weather."

Fullmer soon realised that the other man's 'mistake' was deliberate. "This guy was pretty cool about it," Fullmer said.

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, planned to use irony himself in future. "I'm like saying it all the time." he said. "Weekend last I was like grilling steaks and I like burned them to shit and I said 'great weather'."

I NEED A NAP

INDIAN MUSIC FOR WESTERNERS

The Masai warriors' guide to England

Six Masai warriors, who are so fierce they kill male lions with their bare hands, have been warned that surviving the perils of the African bush will be child's play compared to what they can expect on their first trip to England.

The warriors, who are leaving their remote Tanzanian village to run in the London Marathon, have been given a detailed four-page guide on how to contend with the most curmudgeonly species they may ever encounter: the English office worker.

"You may be surprised by the number of people that there are and they all seem to be rushing around everywhere," the guide says.

"Even though some may look like they have a frown on their face, they are very friendly people - many of them just work in offices, jobs they don't enjoy, and so they do not smile as much as they should."

The warriors, who are leaving their village of Eluai in northern Tanzania for the first time, will run the 26.2-mile course in their traditional red robes, complete with shields and sticks, to raise money for life-saving water supplies back home.

The four page "Visiting England: A Cultural Briefing for the Warriors" written by volunteers from Greenforce, a British charity which is working in their village of Eluai, also warns about the perils of time keeping.

"You cannot rely on the sun to tell the time accurately and will have to rely on clocks and watches. The sun will rise and set at different times."

There is a whole section on "manners", which are described as very different to the acceptable social behaviour in Tanzania.

"Whereas at home for you it is acceptable to spit, in England it is not but, if you have to, you must do so in a sink or in some trees when no one is looking."

When nature calls they are advised to seek out a public convenience as opposed to using a tree or bush.

While the guide praises the warmth of the English people, the Masai are warned not to take their hosts' generosity for granted.

"If you see something that someone else has, like a bracelet, and you like it, then the person will find it very unusual if you were to take it and wear it."

The Masai men - who become warriors after tracking, running down and killing a male lion - may struggle with Greenforce's interpretation of how English law operates.

"For example, if someone was to see a thief and chase after him and, when they catch him they hurt him, then the person who hurt the thief would go to prison as well as the thief."

The Masai's shields and sticks, although permitted by the race organisers, must be left behind when sightseeing.

They may be tempted to engage in their natural sport of hunting in England, particularly if they spot a cow, sheep or pig in a field.

But the briefing note says: "You may see these animals in a field, seemingly left alone. It is important to remember that these animals are owned by someone and are being looked after."

The warriors, who arrive in Britain next week for the race on Sunday April 13, have also been advised not to be too offended by the brief running attire of their fellow competitors in the marathon.

"You will see many people who are wearing only small clothes and you will wonder why they are cold and may think they are being disrespectful.

"This is normal for England, especially when it is sunny or in the evening. However, it is illegal to show certain parts of the body and for this reason it is important that you wear underpants if you are wearing your blankets."

The guide provides a tour of a typical home, complete with description of what happens in a bathroom and at meal times.

"People in England eat with knives, forks and spoons. If you want to use just a spoon or fork or hands then it is not a worry.

"Many people drink alcohol in England. They do so at bars, at homes or at clubs - the English equivalent to a Masai party.

"When people drink they [seem] sillier or different. I am sure you have seen it with the Greenforce volunteers."

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1583640/The-Masai-warriors%27-guide-to-England.html

SILLY SILLY BOY

WORLDS BEST SPEED BUMP

36 HOUR VIAGRA

thanks to Mike Molloy

HOPE THAT HE WON AFTER THIS

MAKE SURE YOU ZOOM IN

JOKES OF THE WEEK

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. 'Okay, thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived in Western Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son... it's a local call".

A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a dozen Fosters stubbies and sticks it into the trolley."What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on special, only $10 for 12 cans", he says. "Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping.A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley."What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says. The man replies... "SO DOES 12 CANS OF FOSTERS AND IT'S HALF THE FUCKING PRICE!"

Two starving cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one." "No", said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

A little while later, along came a really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's big enough." "No", the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad, let's eat her." "No", said the father. "We’re not going to eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive, and eat your mother."

A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer agreed to answer his questions.

The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?

The farmer replied, "One time a neighbour lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it."

"I can't print that!" said the reporter, "is there another event that made you really happy?" Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy."

Again the reporter knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked the farmer, "Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?"

The farmer hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once..."

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small place and moves in. A few days a friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. On his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing hens about. Not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs." "What do you mean mate?" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs!?"

"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me!" replied the Chinese man," He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit."

SACK THE BUILDER

DID I GET THE JOB???

50 THINGS NOT TO SAY AT AN INTERVIEW

#1. “Sorry I’m late. I could have sworn you said ‘San Francisco.’”

#2. [Winking] “Golly, I have no idea how that ten dollar bill just appeared on your desk.”

#3. “Can we wrap this up? I’d really hate to hit rush hour.”

#4. “Just out of curiosity, how long do you caché visited websites?”

#5. “Do me a kindness, and scratch beneath my carpal-tunnel splints?”

#6. “My work ethic is so strong, it’s practically Asian.”

#7. “Let’s try that again, and this time shake my hand like you’ve got a pair.”

#8. “Would it possible to be paid in cash? I’m kind of laying low right now.”

#9. “Do I have any questions? Why, yes I do. What in the hell is this Microsoft Word everyone keeps talking about?”

#10. “You got a bottle opener in that big ol’ fancy drawer?”

#11. “My last boss hid spy-cameras in the crapper. Look me in the eye and promise you won’t do that.”

#12. “Ever seen that Sharon Stone scene in Basic Instinct? Allow me to refresh your memory . . .”

#13. “My motto: Work hard, play hard—or as the Nazis might say, Arbeit Macht Frei.”

#14. “Lemme just finish scooping out this pumpkin, and then I’ll get to your questions.”

#15. “Hold on–almost lost it in my diaper. Ha ha! (whispering) Nerves.”

#16. “Does this DYKE tattoo on my forehead conform with your dress code?”

#17. “Think of me as the Hamburger Helper to your skillet of ground workload.”

#18. “I’m just looking to make one last big score before I get out of the game. And I’d love to do that right here at Applebee’s.”

#19. “Funny, everyone who reads my resume always hones right in on the manslaughter part.”

#20. “What has two thumbs and totally loves commodities trading? This guy!”

#21. “Oh, I see. But it’s fine if a black person like you says it.”

#22. “Before we begin, how fucking hot was Dr. McDreamy last night?”

#23. “Sorry, I have to answer this. Could be a job.”

#24. “Is that a picture of your family? Your wife’s uterus must be totally blown out.”

#25.“If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly is it you all do here at NASA?”

#26. “Wouldn’t it be more fun if we conducted this interview on my lap?”

#27. “Help a brother out. I’ve been out of work so long I’ve got blue balls for this gig.”

#28. “Do you have a mint? I’m pretty sure my breath is still stanky from last night’s lovin’.”

#29. “I’m not big on couches. Cool if I cop a squat?”

#30. “You’ve got the body. I’ve got the brains.”

#31. “For my personal reference, is it okay if I only know the guy’s Xbox gamer tag?”

#32. “I bet you’ll be chuffed to know you’d be hiring an extremely skilled knife fighter.”

#33. “I can explain that three-year gap in my employment history with two simple words: H.O.R.D.E. Tour”

#34. “If you Google me, just be forewarned that there’s a sexual predator who happens to share my name and Facebook page.”

#35. “Sure, I value a diverse workplace. Your kind deserves a leg up.”

#36. “I’m just going to apologize in advance for the projectile vomiting. It’s okay–I brought my own sick-bag.”

#37. “What time is it? Four? Shit! Where’s the closest airport?”

#38. “Before we begin, would you mind if I cranked ‘Lose Yourself’?”

#39. “Just out of curiosity, is that sore on my forehead still running?”

#40. “You’re not going to make me take one of those fucking anger management seminars, are you?”

#41. “Mind if I bunk here ‘til I straighten my housing situation out?”

#42. “What part of ‘I’ve never held a job for more than three days’ don’t you understand?”

#43. “Realistically, how much weight can your desk support?”

#44. “As far as long-term goals go, I’d just love to own an electric toothbrush.”

#45. “Can we put this on speakerphone? My lawyer wants to be involved.”

#46. “I think I can best answer that with the following tambourine solo.”

#47. “If I smell like deep-dish pizza, it’s just because I love it so goddamn much.”

#48. “Let’s just cut straight to the chase: who and where is the office slut?”

#49. “I’m assuming you’ll pay me for watching my stories at lunch?”

#50. “My qualifications? Isn’t that one of those prejudicial questions you’re not allowed to ask?”

VERY USEFUL INVENTIONS

SHARK BITE

A QUEENSLAND MAN TAKES A WALK ON THE SAME WHITSUNDAY BEACH, SHOWING THE SCARS WHERE A SHARK OBVIOUSLY BIT OFF HIS MEMBER

DON'T TAKE YOUR HUSBAND TO K MART

BANNED FROM K- MART...........

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to K -Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local K -Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on lay -b y.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10 November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
K -Mart..

thanks to Mick Molloy

NEW WORDS FOR TODAY

TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline

was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps

on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and

advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a

cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going

on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may

be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch

potato.

SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What

yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working

to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and

whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above

the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often

profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were

designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded

"administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message

"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be

located.

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that

you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSHIT - Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention

of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply

staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food

afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

BEER COAT - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a

booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home

after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you

live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BREAKING THE SEAL - Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of

drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the

toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the

night.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS - A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical

adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from

the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often

wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely

impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in

there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:

"Oo! Oo! Ho! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while

you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the

unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when

you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning

before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves

a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

SALAD DODGER - An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP-DONKEY - A deeply unattractive woman.

DANCE ON

Animal Super Dancers - Click here for the funniest movie of the week

BRILLIANT SITE

JUST TURN ON YOUR SOUND AND CLICK ON GOLDIE'S PICTURE

UNEXPECTED....

YOU HAVE PROBABLY SEEN THIS PICTURE WITH A TITLE OF 'THIS LOOKS BAD'

BUT MAYBE NOT AS BAD AS IT SEEMS
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

JOKES OF THE WEEK

These two guys are drinking really late one night in a bar when one of them looks at the other and says, "I have to get home, my wife is going to kill me."

The other guy says, "What, are you kidding me, my wife lets me do whatever I want."

The first guy says, "I know, I know", all embarrassed that his wife controls him. He continues," I try to sneak past her everytime to. I drive really slow down my street and turn the headlights off 100 yards short of my driveway, 50 feet short I turn off the key so that I can coast in, I shut the car door easily, open the front door to the house quietly, take off my boots so I can go up the stairs in my socks, sneak through the bedroom door, and as soon as I hit the bed she is up screaming at me."

The second guy laughs and replies, "There is your problem, let me tell you what I do. I drive 90 MPH down my street and lock it up sideways into my driveway, bump into the garage door, slam the car door shut, slam the front door, stomp up the stairs, swing the bedroom door open, jump up on the bed, slap my wife on the ass and say hey sweetie, how about a blowjob?"

The second guy pauses for a second and replies," She's sleeping every time."

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

A man spots a nice looking girl in a bar so he goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asks her name. "Carmen," she replies.
That's a nice name," he says warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself," she answers.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she says looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?"
"Beercunt." he replies

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."

Two pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl." The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about.
The first pedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!"

GIFS OF THE WEEK

PICS OF THE WEEK

34 HITS IN 31 SECONDS

THANKS PHIL