Friday, September 28, 2007
3D SWIMMING POOLS
WHY HAVE A BORING SWIMMING POOL, WHEN WITH A LITTLE IMAGINATION YOU CAN HAVE THE MOSAIC GUYS GIVE YOU SOMETHING SPECIAL.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
ASK MRS NORTY....
Dear Mrs. Norty
I love my boyfriends very much, but all is not well in the bedroom department. One of them suffers from premature ejaculation, three of them have problems sustaining an erection, while two more can’t even get it up in the first place. Another has the tiniest winkie I have ever seen and the other six are basically just crap in bed. In fact my husband is just about the only one who can get off the starting grid without going all floppy or spilling all his man chowder on the carpet. Unfortunately, he is away every other fortnight working on the rigs. What am I to do?
Frankly pissed off,
Farnham
Mrs. Norty says: Dear Frankly,
What a sorry tale, and one that gives a whole new meaning to the phrase: two weeks on, two weeks off. Having said that, I understand your frustration: there seems little point in having a stream of gentleman callers during your husband’s absence if not a single one of them can flame grill your fur burger, so to speak. Bu,t what to do? Instructing them all in the art of lovemaking would be terribly time consuming, but I would not advise getting them around for a group training session unless you put down some plastic sheeting first. I suppose you could try going without for a couple of weeks while hubby is away, but that does seem a pretty drastic option, and most definitely a last resort. I see you have limited yourself to 13 illicit lovers. Perhaps you are being a bit too picky. Play the field a bit more like any normal married woman and I am sure you’ll eventually come across one hunk who will really get your roast beef sizzling. Good luck!
I am a 16 year-old lad and I think I am becoming confused about my sexuality, although I can’t say for sure. For some years now I have been binge-wanking over the ladies girdle section of my mum’s Freeman’s catalogue. However, while playing the fleshy clarinet with some gusto last week I turned the pages so quickly that, before I knew it, I had run out of ladies and so ‘accidentally’ loosed off my love porridge all over a man in some pale blue Y-fronts; and I was not sick afterwards. I also read the other day that chafing causes gayness, although it could be the other way around. Anyway, I have a small red patch at the top of my right leg. Am I gay, or are my trousers too tight for cycling?
Confused,
Cumbernauld.
Mrs. Norty: Dear Confused,
It is often said that most young men of your age will go through a phase at which they are unsure of their sexuality and fear they might turn out to be demented perverts. Utter rubbish! Most lads of your age are perfectly normal and healthy and have no interest in fiddling with the parts of their fellow men. Yuk. Indeed, even by your tender age a huge number are experienced lovers capable of showing the divorced older woman what she was missing all those years she spent murmuring words of encouragement to the now, thankfully departed, Mr Floppy. It should not be too hard to work out if you are a sexual deviant or not. Have you ever been to see the Wizard of Oz or the Sound of Music while wearing a dress? Do your hands flop forward at the wrist? Do you enjoy ball games? Do you like cock? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the above you are definitely a degenerate sex fiend, although you might just be a member of the local rugby team.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
JOSE AND ALEX
In the bathroom yesterday morning, I heard my left testicle chatting away. Jose is the best manager in history. A minute later, the right one joined in. No he’s not Alex Ferguson is. Concerned, I went straight to my doctor. He listened to them for a moment and said I had nothing to worry about, they were just talking bollocks.
Monday, September 24, 2007
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