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APOLOGY

Recently I received a warning about the use of the term, "towel heads"

A politically incorrect term.

Please note, we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words.

I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts and want to kill us do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is not a towel but actually a small, folded sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as

"Little Sheet Heads."

Thank You for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.

FACE ILLUSIONS

If you watch the above images from your seat in front of the computer, Mr. Angry is on the left, and Mrs. Calm is on the right.Get up from your seat, and move back. They switch places! "This illusion was created by Dr. Aude Oliva & Philippe G. Schyns, MIT illustrates the ability of the visual system to separate information coming from different spatial frequency channels."




Here is another piece of work created by Dr. Aude Oliva (Ph.D. Brain and Cognitive Sciences, MIT) & Dr. Antonio Torralba (Ph.D. Computer Science and Artificial Intelligence Laboratory). Again if you watch the above images while seated in front of the computer, you might think that these people are sad. Now get up from your seat & walk a few paces & you will be astonished to see the change in their expressions. Both the images are a great piece of work

LATEST JOKES

Two gentlemen having a pee in the toilets at Grand Central Station in New York.

One gentleman says to the other,

"Are you from Melbourne Australia?"

The other gentleman exclaims,

"Yeah, how did you know that?"

The first gentleman says,

"Do you belong to Beth HamedrashTemple in Caulfield?"

The second gentleman exclaims,

"Yeah, how did you know that?"

The first gentleman says,

"Is Rabbi Yablonobovitz, the mohel, still there?"

The second gentleman exclaims

"Yeah, how did you know that?"

The first gentleman answers,

"Because he always cuts on a slant,

And, you're peeing on my shoe!"

This lady takes her dog to the vet, and he found the dog's problem: hair in its ears had become compacted. He fixed up the dog, then told the lady that to keep this from recurring she should buy some Nair hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the chemist and gets some Nair. The chemist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady responds, "I'm not using it under my arms."
So the chemist says, "Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." She responds, again, "I'm not using it on my legs."
Then she adds, "If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The chemist says, "In that case, Stay off your bicycle for a week."

The shapely topless dancer went to Mass dressed in her working clothes, but was stopped at the door by the priest. "Miss," he said, "you can't go in like that."

But, Father," protested the churchgoer, "I have a divine right."

"Aye, and your left isn't bad, either," the man of the cloth responded, "but you still can't enter the church without proper attire."

A chicken farmer went to a local bar...sat next to a woman and
ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass
of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "this is a special day for me
I am celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence!" says the farmer. As they clinked glasses the man asked
"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist
told me that I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man."I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of
my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims,"I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

40'S AND 50'S TRIVIA QUIZ

Suddenly Senior's

TRIVIA QUIZ

Hey, all you geezers and geezerettes, give this a try. It's your chance to prove that your memory is still (pretty much) intact. Don't worry, the answers are at the end.

1. "Kookie; Kookie. Lend me your ________________."

2. The "battle cry" of the hippies in the sixties was "Turn on; tune in;________________."

3. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably, someone would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." What did he leave behind?________________.

4. Folk songs were played side by side with rock and roll. One of the most memorable folk songs included these lyrics: "When the rooster crows at the break of dawn, look out your window and I'll be gone. You're the reason
I'm traveling on, _______________________."

5. A group of protesters arrested at the Democratic convention in Chicago in 1968 achieved cult status, and were known as the ________________.

6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the ________________________show.

7. Some of us who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning our _____________.

8. We all learned to read using the same books. We read about the thrilling lives and adventures of Dick and Jane. What was the name of Dick and Jane's dog?______

9. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk (what there was of it) in the front, was called the VW. What other name(s) did it go by? _______________ & ________________

10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names the ___________and the ____________.

11. In the seventies, we called the dropout nonconformists "hippies." But in the early sixties, they were known as ________________.

12. William Bendix played Chester A. Riley, who always seemed to get the

short end of the stick in the television program, "The Life of Riley." At the end of each show, poor Chester would turn to the camera and exclaim, "What a ________."

13. "Get your kicks, ________________."

14. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed________________."

15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis a special way:________________.

16. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."

17. That "adult" book by Henry Miller - the one that contained all the "dirty" dialogue - was called _________.

18. Today, the math geniuses in school might walk around with a calculator strapped to their belts. But back in the sixties, members of the math club used a _________.

19. In 1971, singer Don Maclean sang a song about "the day the music died." This was a reference and tribute to _______________.

20. A well-known television commercial featured a driver who was miraculously lifted through thin air and into the front seat of a convertible. The matching slogan was "Let Hertz ________________."

21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the________________.

22. "N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best... ____________________."

23. In the late sixties, the "full figure" style of Jane Russell and Marilyn Monroe gave way to the "trim" look, as first exemplified by British model ________________.

24. Sachmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ________________.

25. On Jackie Gleason's variety show in the sixties, one of the most popular segments was "Joe, the Bartender." Joe's regular visitor at the bar was that slightly off- center, but lovable character, _______________. (The character's name, not the actor's.)

26. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it; it was called ____________.

27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?____________.

28. One of the big fads of the late fifties and sixties was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist; it was called the ________________.

29. The "Age of Aquarius" was brought into the mainstream in the Broadway musical ______________.

30. This is a two-parter: Red Skelton's hobo character (not the hayseed, the hobo) was ________________. Red ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and ________________."

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THE ANSWERS:

1. "Kookie; Kookie; lend me your comb."

2. The "battle cry" of the hippies in the sixties was "Turn on; tune in; drop out." Many people who proclaimed that 30 years ago today are Wall Street bond traders and corporate lawyers.

3. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. Several of you said he left behind his mask. Oh, no; even off the screen, Clayton Moore would not be seen as the Lone Ranger without his mask!

4. "When the rooster crows at the break of dawn, look out your window and I'll be gone. You're the reason I'm traveling on; Don't think twice, it's all right."

5. The group of protesters arrested at the Democratic convention in Chicago in 1968 was known as the Chicago seven. As Paul Harvey says, "They would like me to mention their names."

6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the Ed Sullivan Show.

7. Some who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning their draft cards. If you said "bras," you've got the right spirit, but nobody ever burned a bra while I was watching. The "bra burning" days came as a by-product of women's liberation movement which had nothing directly to do with the Vietnam war.

8. Dick and Jane's dog was Spot. "See Spot run." Whatever happened to them? Rumor has it they have been replaced in some school systems by "Heather Has Two Mommies."

9. It was the VW Beetle, or more affectionately, the Bug.

10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names the Sharks and the Jets. West Side Story.

11. In the early sixties, the drop-out, non-conformists were known as beatniks . Maynard G. Krebs was the classic beatnik, except that he had no rhythm, man; a beard, but no beat.

12. At the end of "The Life of Riley," Chester would turn to the camera and exclaim, "What a revolting development this is."

13. "Get your kicks, on Route 66."

14. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent."

15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis a special way: Shaken, not stirred.

16. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight."

17. That "adult" book by Henry Miller was called Tropic of Cancer. Today, it would get a PG-13 rating.

18. Back in the sixties, members of the math club used a slide rule.

19. "The day the music died" was a reference and tribute to Buddy Holly.

20. The matching slogan was "Let Hertz put you in the driver's seat."

21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick in a dance called the Limbo.

22. "N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best....chooo-c'late." In the

television commercial, "chocolate" was sung by a puppet - a dog. (Remember his mouth flopping open and shut?)

23. In the late sixties, the "full figure" style gave way to the "trim"

look, as first exemplified by British model Twiggy.

24. Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was Louis Armstrong.

25. Joe's regular visitor at the bar was Crazy Guggenheim.

26. The Russians put the first satellite into orbit; it was called Sputnik.

27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? A Timex watch.

28. The large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist was called the hula-hoop.

29. The "Age of Aquarius" was brought into the mainstream in the Broadway musical "Hair."

30. Red Skelton's hobo character was Freddie the Freeloader. (Clem Kaddiddlehopper was the "hay seed.") Red ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and may God bless."

SCORING

26 -30 correct answers: Certifiable Old Fart, First Grade. You must really lead a terribly dull life to remember all that dumb stuff.

20 - 25 correct answers: Old Fart, Second Grade. Pretty good! You probably even can remember your spouse's birthday.

15 -19 correct answers: Are you sure you're qualified to read Suddenly Senior?

Below 15 correct answers: Out! You must be a spy from the Boomer Generation. Either you're a whippersnapper or you, like so many of us, may be suffering from "Sometimers' Syndrome." Better luck next time.

with thanks suddenlysenior.com/triviapage.html

BIRD WATCHING SKILLS

This Is AMAZING!!!

Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference between Male and Female birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically.

Until Now.

Which of the two birds is a female??? Below are two birds; Study them closely...See if you can spot which of the two is the female.

It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.

I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A BOY

It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
Nearly everyone's Mum was at home when the kids got home from school?



Nobody owned a purebred dog?
When a shilling was decent pocket money?
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?



Your Mum wore nylons that came in two pieces?
When blue jeans were only for manual work or play?
All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?



You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time?
And, you got trading stamps to boot?



Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?
When a Ford Anglia was everyone's dream car?



No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a ..."
And playing football with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?



Stuff from the corner shop came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savour the slower pace,and share it with the children of today?



When being sent to the headmasters office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited you at home?
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.



As well as summers filled with bike rides, football games in the street, Hula Hoops, British Buldog, two balls and eating Sherbet powder with sugar.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?



How many of these do you remember?

Sweet cigarettes
Triangular shaped cardboard juices that you used to freeze
Soft drink machines that dispensed glass bottles
Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
Blackjacks, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with tin foil lids
Newsreels before the movie
Telephone numbers with a word prefix
Party lines
Peashooters
45 RPM records
Green Stamps
Hi-Fi's
Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Washtub wringers
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
Magnetic football
Embassy Coupons
Football cards - with that awful pink slab of bubble gum


Do you remember a time when...

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "girl germs"?
Being gay meant being happy?
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a catapult?
A foot of snow was a dream come true?
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
War was a great game?
Cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?


If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown-up" life . .

FORBIDDEN LOVE

They were together in the house. Just the two of them. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm... She wanted that...more than anything.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out. She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on...as did their growing passion.
And there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together. They knew it was wrong. Their families would never understand. So consumed were they in their passion that they heard no opening of doors...just the faint click of a
camera.....

revealing...

them....

caught...

up....

in....

their.....

moment....

of....

truth...

DICK CHENEY'S SUNGLASSES

SO THIS IS WHAT HE WAS REALLY LOOKING AT...

THE PLAN

In the beginning was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance

And darkness was upon the face of the workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying

"' It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.""

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said

""It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof"

And the supervisors went unto their Managers, saying

""It is a container of excrement and it is very strong

such that none may abide by it.""

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying

"" It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength.""

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another,

"It promotes that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.""

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,

""It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.""

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him,

""This new plan will actively promote the growth and

vigor of the company, with powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

AND THE PLAN BECAME POLICY

( this is how shit happens )

I know there is a hidden message in "THE PLAN"

ANNE FRANKS DIARY

GRANDMA'S DEFENCE

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so ’spicy’ that I just laid down and told him
‘Take me, young man. Take me now!’

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ‘April Fool!’ And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard

HOW DO I GET TO LONDON? .........ASK GOOGLE MAPS

CLICK TO ENLARGE

THE MAN SONG

JUST CLICK ON THE POSTER

150,000 Watch North Korean Factory Boss Executed For 'Making International Calls'

A North Korean factory boss has been executed by a firing squad in front of 150,000. His crime? Making international phone calls!

The manager was gunned down in a sports stadium in South Pyongan province after authorities claimed he'd installed 13 in a basement to reach the outside world, the Good Friends aid agency revealed.

And six people were also crushed to death and 34 others injured in an apparent stampede as they left after the execution, it was claimed.

The factory chief's death last month came as executions in the communist dictatorship began increasing after a seven-year decline in the number of people publicly killed.

North Korea had faced a barrage of international criticism over claims it has executed many innocent people.

Its citizens are banned from communicating with the outside world, part of the regime's authoritarian policies seeking to prevent any challenge to the iron-fisted rule of Kim Jong Il.

The North has carried out four other similar public executions by firing squad against regional officials and heads of factories in recent months, Good Friends revealed.

JUST A PENSIONER OUT SHOPPING.... THINK AGAIN

In his faded coat, tinted prescription glasses and scuffed shoes, he looks like just another pensioner scraping by on a tight budget.

But the man pictured here is Ingvar Kamprad, the reclusive Swedish founder of Ikea. And he is worth £15.7billion.

That makes him the world's seventh richest man, but the 81-year-old admits he is still "a bit tight" with money.

He takes easyJet flights, drives himself around in a 15-year-old Volvo, and has furnished his modest house almost entirely with Ikea items - which he assembled himself.

He boasted that he fired his barber of many years' standing after finding another who would cut his hair for only £6.

And when he arrived at a gala evening recently to collect a businessman of the year award, the security guards refused to let him in because they saw him getting off a bus when he arrived.

A former Nazi sympathiser in the years immediately following the Second World War, he is a self-confessed alcoholic who admits he has an ongoing problem with drink.

But he says he has it under control and adds that he "dries out" three times a year.

His eagerness to save money extends to his visits to London, when he shuns taxis and prefers to use the Tube or buses.

He now lives in semi-retirement with his wife Margaretha in a villa in Switzerland. The couple are often seen dining out in cheap restaurants and haggling over prices in the market.

He always does his food shopping in the afternoon, when the prices in his local market start to fall.

Recently, a statue of him was erected in his Swedish home town, and he was invited to cut the ribbon.

It was reported that instead he untied it, folded it neatly and handed it to the mayor, telling him he could now use it again.

Explaining his frugal nature, he said: "I am a bit tight with money, a sort of Swedish Scotsman. But so what?

"If I start to acquire luxurious things then this will only incite others to follow suit. It's important that leaders set an example.

"I look at the money I'm about to spend on myself and ask if Ikea's customers could afford it.

"From time to time I like to buy a nice shirt and cravat - and eat Swedish fish roe."

Mr Kamprad was 17 when he founded Ikea in 1943.

The name came from his initials, IK, with an E for Elmtaryd, the family farm where he grew up, and an A for Agunnaryd, his home village.

He came up with the idea of flat-packed furniture when he was trying to fit a table into the boot of his car - a friend suggested he should take the legs off, and the rest is history.

He opened his first store in 1965, only to see the wind smash the neon sign and cause a fire which burned the place down.

From that inauspicious beginning-Ikea has grown from a village-based mail order business to a multinational empire with a turnover of nearly £9billion a year.

It is 21 years since Ikea opened its first British store, in Warrington, Cheshire, taking the furniture business by storm and bringing the joys - and frustrations - of the flatpack to countless homes.

Ikea is now Britain's fourth biggest furniture retailer despite having relatively few branches.

It has been claimed that more people read the Ikea catalogue than the Bible - and that one in ten Europeans have been conceived on an Ikea bed.

The company is now run jointly by Mr Kamprad's three sons Peter, 44, Jonas, 41, and Matthias, 39, because their father does not want any one person to have total control.

HOW TALL ARE YOU..

COMPARE YOUR HEIGHT TO THAT OF YOUR HERO

CLICK TO ENLARGE

BEST CAMEL TOE YOU WILL EVER SEE

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FRUSTRATION

HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A SAD BASTARD...

CLICK TO ENLARGE

IF YOU GO OUT WITH ME.....

.....I WILL GIVE YOU THE WORLD.

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YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY...

TERRORISTS ARE GETTING THROUGH CUSTOMS

Australian Customs announced today, that they believe there are many terrorists entering the country through customs, but are at loss to stop them.

Bruce Ratschit, the Customs supervisor said, we are keeping our eyes peeled, but we still don't know how they are getting through baggage control.

We at Norty Gordy have discovered a photo that might give them a hint.

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LIFE IN ALBANIA

I'M SORRY I GOT THAT TATTOO