Saturday, May 27, 2006
GRANDPA"S BEST ADVICE
This is a short story written by a grandson who had a very special relationship with his Grandpa. Many of us unfortunately were born after our own Grandpas had passed on and never had the opportunity to enjoy moments like this.. The grandson writes...
I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from a mentor, and always on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up and for me it is a time to reminisce. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him.
I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.
Those gems were all well and good, but the one I remember best came from him when I was only 12.
We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. Then, came the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice when he said, "And be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.
"It makes your dick look bigger."
It kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
THE AVERAGE PERSON CAN'T DO THIS
This is this cat
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dickhead cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down. Don't get mad at me, I fell for it too.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
YOUR NAME LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE
CLICK HERE AND TYPE YOUR NAME IN THE SQUARE www.callme.nm.ru/
THEN CLICK THE BUTTON BELOW YOUR NAME
IT'S IN RUSSIAN BUT IT'S VERY FUNNY
THEN CLICK THE BUTTON BELOW YOUR NAME
IT'S IN RUSSIAN BUT IT'S VERY FUNNY
MORNING TV IN MELBOURNE ....IS THIS FOR REAL???
IF YOU CAN'T SEE IT CLICK HERE www.break.com/index/gettheeffout.html
LATEST NEWS
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of: Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were
Mycoxafailin,
Mydixadud,
Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin,
Dixafix
and, of course,
Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails,” “highballs,” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink.”
Pepsi will market the new concoction under the name of “MOUNT & DO.”
There will be no Nativity Scene in
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
BEWARE OF TRICK QUESTIONS
Four trick questions that women love to ask men - and their answers.
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrect (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
1. What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are and how lucky I am to have met you."
Inappropriate answers:
a. Your younger sister, how much prettier she is than you
b. I was wondering if you ever shut up?
d.. Football
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
2. Do you love me?
The proper response is "YES!", or if you feel a more detailed answer is in order "Yes, dear".
Inappropriate responses include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love. (
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
3. Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic "Of course not!"
Incorrect:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're thighs sure do make a lot of noise.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
4. Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Could you repeat the question, I was thinking of the insurance money again.
Quotes From The Perfect Woman:
1.) "I'll swallow it all...I just love the taste!"
2.) "Are you sure you've had enough beer?"
3.) "I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!"
4.) "Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!"
5.) "If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!"
6.) "I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?"
7.) "You're so sexy when you're hung over."
8.) "I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping."
9.) "Let's subscribe to Hustler."
10.) "Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?"
11.) "Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses."
12.) I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too."
13.) "Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!"
14.) "I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house."
15.) "Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself new clubs."
16.) "I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever."
17.) "Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your mates?"
18.) "Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!"
19.) Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8."
20.) "That was a great fart! Do another one!"
21.) "I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya!"
TODAYS JOKES
A man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what happened. He told them it had happened at church. They insisted that you couldn't get a black eye at church, and wanted to know what really happened.
So, he told them, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen, and when she had stood up, her dress had got stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I
am, I reached over and pulled it out for her and she did not like that so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he
explained, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---and there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."
At this point the other men interrupted and said "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of there again?"
"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that---so I shoved it back in."
This guy owns a horse stud farm, and he gets a call from a friend, who tells him that he knows a midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and that he was sending him over.
The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or a female horse.
"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth. Can I three her mouf?". So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouf. Can I three her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the midget again and shows him the horse's eyes. "Ok, what about her eearth?" The owner, by this time, is getting really pissed off, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears.
"OK," says the midget, "Can I see her twat?" With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can
I thee her wun awownd?"
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic lovefrom his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
