AUSTRIA LAUNCHES 'BIRTHPLACE OF HITLER' CAMPAIGN

AUSTRIA'S chancellor has vowed to restore the country's international image with a £40 million 'Birthplace of Hitler' marketing campaign.

Alfred Gusenbauer said the promotional blitz would stress there was far more to Austria than simply locking people in a cellar.

Herr Gusenbauer said: "All the really big Nazis were Austrian, you know.

"Hitler was one of ours. Very famous. The whole war thing, the genocide, that’s him. He was evil, yes, but you knew where you stood with Hitler. Nothing hidden. It’s all in Mein Kampf.

"Yes, he was fond of his niece, but he didn’t lock her up or anything. In fact he gave her a key to his apartment so she could come and go as she pleased. That's got to count for something."

He added: "We had thought about a Mozart campaign but nobody listens to classical music these days. It's all Duran Duran and 99 Red Balloons."

Carl Schurz, an advertising executive in Vienna, said the campaign should stress Hitler's love of the Alps.

He said: "The camera pans down to find Hitler running through an Alpine meadow, with his arms outstreched.

"He stops, spins around and then bursts into song. The sun is out, there's mountains, sky, wide open spaces, no cellars. It's nice."

GENISIS FOR AUSSIES

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footie matches, going to the beach and bbq's. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and bbq's. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and bbq's on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for bbq's. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for bbq's. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footie, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at bbq's. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footie, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good.... well most good. He saw that the blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheila's - to clean the house, bear children, wash, and cook and clean the bbq. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was A BLOODY RIPPER

GUIDE TO BUDDHISM

Essential Guide to Buddhism

In today's violent society, we can all be forgiven for feeling a little insecure. These days you can't even pop down to the shops for a copy of 'Guns and Shooting' without the risk of winding up the victim of a brutal coshing or drive-by stabbing. It's no wonder so many people are scared to go out alone.

Hello, I'm Rob Hammond, and as a veteran of the Territorial Army, I've been specially trained to kill using nothing more than a raised elbow. Failing that, I could easily smother any potential attacker with my armpit, and if it became absolutely necessary, I could even blind my assailant by licking out his eyeballs - although this is something I try to avoid wherever possible, as it leaves a nasty taste in the mouth. But sadly, not everyone can handle themselves as well as I can. The urban jungle is a very different kettle of monkeys from any other theatre of war, and any passing stranger can be a potential threat.

To be honest, there was a time when even I felt uneasy about going out on my own. Yeah, I know, hard to believe, isn't it? But the truth is that after my discharge from the TA I would often barricade myself in my bedsit for weeks on end, surviving on a diet of dog food and pineapple chunks. In fact, I became quite jumpy. Every noise was a potential hazard, every footstep an assassin. I could have very easily turned into some kind of nut, but thankfully salvation was just around the corner - for it was then that I discovered Buddhism and my outlook on life was transformed.

So, why am I telling you all this? Well, Buddhism can transform your life too! Wanna know more? Course you do. That's why I've prepared this list of frequently asked questions to help you understand what all this Buddhist malarkey is all about...

---

All right then, what is Buddhism?
Buddhism is cool. It's less strict than Islam and cheaper than Catholicism. Actually, it's less like a religion and more like a way of life. It's all about meditation and the strict observance of moral precepts. There's also some stuff about Enlightenment, but I'm not really sure about that side of it yet.

How do I find Buddhism?
Well in my case, Buddhism found me. Someone shoved this leaflet under my door, telling me about an introductory lecture down at the community centre, given by the Ascended Master Ching Rampoche - who also runs the wet fish concession outside the job centre. I was curious, but I didn't want to just stroll straight in. I may only have been in the Territorials for six weeks, but I still understand the importance of reconnaissance. I hung around outside for a while, watching people enter. Then I took a brief stroll around the building, noting all the exits and possible escape routes. Finally I plucked up the courage and went in. Simple really.

Okay, so how can Buddhism help me?
That was the very question I asked myself. But as I listened to Master Rimpoche's learned words, it became obvious that Buddhism was what was missing from my life. Under his guidance I have learned to quell the inner rage that threatened to tear me apart - for anger is merely an expression of suffering, and can be eliminated by eradicating my desires. With every step upon my journey along the eightfold path I became stronger and more resolute. Buddhism has blessed me with a sense of inner peace.

Hang on - this Buddhism lark sounds like it's for girls!
Did I mention that it also enables me to kick seven shades of shit out of anybody who gets in my way?

Ah! Now that's more like it.
Too right. As well as providing an excuse to go around dressed only in a sheet, Buddhism has also shown me how to clear my mind of confusing and unproductive thoughts and achieve a state of tranquillity. This tranquillity can then be unleashed with devastating force on anyone who decides to give me grief.

Wicked. So who was this Buddha chap? He seems like a decent bloke.
Buddha's real name was Siddhartha Gotama, but that sounded a bit gay so all his mates called him Buddha. He was a monk with a bald head, and he was rock hard and could have anybody in his village. He also liked table tennis.

If Buddha was alive today, would he be able to beat Bruce Lee in a fight?
Yeah, he'd slap him silly. Bruce Lee is dead.

Fair enough. So, is there any money in Buddhism? Surely there must be a fiddle going on somewhere?
Buddhism teaches us that wealth is impermanent and does not guarantee happiness. A true Buddhist pursues enlightenment, not money. Of course, Buddha lived millions of years ago, when trainers were much cheaper and there were no such things as mini-disc players. Perhaps it's time for Buddhism to be revised in order to bring it into line with today's consumer society? I'm thinking about making a bid for the T-shirt concession.

What's all this I hear about having fourteen wives?
Nah, you're thinking of something else. Buddhists have nothing to do with that sort of thing.

Oh well. What were Buddha's Teachings?
Buddha taught us that there are four noble truths: firstly that life is suffering; secondly, that suffering is caused by desire; thirdly, that suffering can be overcome; and fourthly that the path of morality and awareness leads to happiness. However, he also taught us how to deal with someone twice your size by kicking him in the nuts, then running away. Not only was he a wise and noble man, but old Buddha was quick on his feet as well.

So what's Karma? Is it a type of curry?
No. It's not a species of chameleon either. Karma is the idea that every cause has an effect. So, if I hit you with a big stick, you'll go and tell your mate, who will come round and beat the gristle out of me with an even bigger stick. Actually, this aspect of Buddhism gives me a bit of a problem, and I've been trying to think of a way round it. The way I see it is that if I hit you with a stick and nobody sees me, and I do a really good job of it so that you're not able to tell anyone about it, then I can pretty much get away with it.

Okay, point taken. Do Buddhists go to heaven?
Buddhist are continually reincarnated until they achieve a state of Nirvana. I'm not sure exactly what that is, but it sounds dead good. The really cool thing is that whenever you die, you just keep coming back, like the Terminator. Non-Buddhists are also reincarnated, of course, but they come back as ants and flies and worms.

What is this 'Wheel of Life' that I keep hearing about?
It's a giant wooden wheel with spikes on it. If you have an enemy and you want him to talk, you can strap him to the wheel and throw rocks at him, and he will tell you anything you want to know.

Can Buddhists do Voodoo or any of that shit?
I have a friend who can touch the tip of his nose with his tongue. He's not a Buddhist, and it's not strictly magic, but it's well impressive, nonetheless. I did read about this guy once who was able to stop a man's heart just by staring into his eyes. I don't know whether he was a Buddhist either, but it's bloody spooky. I've tried it myself - just going up to people in the street and staring directly into their eyes. I concentrated really hard, but all that happened was I got cautioned by the police.

So, how do I join? Is there a test?
Of course there's a test - they don't just let anyone in, you know. To be a Buddhist you have to be strong, physically fit and have 20/20 vision. I have perfect eyesight myself, even though in the TA they said I was short-sighted. That incident with the tank wasn't my fault - the visibility was very poor that day. Even the coroner said so. Anyway, to be a Buddhist you also have to be able to do fifteen push-ups and run five miles without breaking a sweat, which I can do dead easy.

And that's what Buddhism is all about. So, do you think you have what it takes to be a Buddhist? It's a hard life, but a rewarding one, and if you're looking for an exciting change of direction, then Buddhism could be the very thing for you. Buddhists will be recruiting in your area soon, so why not pick up an application form and join us in bringing serenity and enlightenment to our troubled world. And if we manage to get enough of us together in time for this Sunday, we're all going to go down into town and give the Methodists a good pasting.

Cheerio

HONEST ADVICE

While most are taught from an early age to do their best in life, the possibility exists for others to be remarkably average. To do nothing to stand out from the crowd. To live a life of uneventful, irrelevant, inconsequential insignificance. Others may aspire to move beyond their simple existence, but the bottom line is, you don't because you suck. So you might as well keep lying on the couch.


FAILURE

If you envision failure, failure is sure to come your way. If you envision success, you must be envisioning someone else's success.


LACK OF EFFORT

Effort is measured deep within oneself, not by how others judge you. Only you will truly know how little you care. How little you'll try. And what minimal exertion will be required to accomplish the task at hand. If you don't try, only you will know. And only you will know that you don't care, either.


DEATH

They say that death is hardest for the living. Unless you were an ass or you were a street person, or you were someone really old with no family who talked back to the TV, or you were someone who called other people's houses and tried to sell them new roofs while they were eating dinner, or you were short. In which case, your death really isn't all that hard for the living.


DAYDREAMS

Dreams are for those who envision a better life. Dreams are for those who have hopes and aspirations and goals for the future. Dreams are for those who see a bigger, brighter tomorrow. Daydreams, on the other hand, are for people who should be doing one thing but instead of doing that one thing, they're sitting around thinking about lying on the beach, or having sex with a stranger in an elevator, or shooting their immediate supervisor. So are you a dreamer, or a daydreamer? And if you're a daydreamer, is your immediate supervisor in today?


YOU CAN'T DO IT.

In life, there are those who can and those who cannot. Statistical probability would assume you have a fifty-fifty chance of being someone who cannot. And chances are, if you're on the wrong side of the fifty, your minimal successes have been far outweighed by a multitude of excessive failures. You may aspire to greatness, but greatness does not wish to be associated with you. Rest assured, you are not alone. Many others have failed before you, and many others will continue to fail after you. Yet to you, your failures seem bigger and that much more unsuccessful because they're yours. And in some respects, you're correct.


GIVE UP.

While the most satisfying moments of life are those when hard work results in great reward, the truth is, those moments are so far and few between with someone like you, the effort required to achieve those moments seems somewhat ridiculous. In life, the effort necessary to generate positive results cannot outbalance the effort required to generate the effort itself. A man who understands this conundrum and chooses instead to sacrifice life's positive moments for an existence of relative obscurity is a smart man, indeed. And lazy.


SELFISHNESS

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Remember "me" and you'll never forget that you are Number 1 and everyone else is Number 2. And there's like a Grand Canyon-sized gap between Number 1 and Number 2.


EXTREMELY LOW EXPECTATIONS

Set the bar low and you will always meet your goals. Even better, take the bar off completely.


LYING

You are an amazing human being. You are a spectacular creation of God. If there is a God, you're not that far behind. There has never been someone like you, nor shall anyone ever be worthy to follow in your footsteps. With every step of every day, you never cease to amaze those around you in your superiority. The world bows before you in honor, oh amazing one.

IGNORANCE

Lack of knowledge isn't stupidity. Rather, it's far more difficult to not know many things than it is to know a few random items of senseless information. Is a rocket scientist considered ignorant as to the laws of the trailer park? Is a brain surgeon considered ignorant because he does not know how to grill bratwurst? Is a tax attorney thought to be ignorant simply because he forgot to take his girlfriend's phone number out of his wallet before he got home and his wife saw it? Perhaps. So why, we ask, is it any different for a man who may not know much, but is smart enough to know that he knows very little? There is no such animal as ignorance, friends. Some people are just more stupider than others.


PROCRASTINATION

Sometimes doing things later is better than doing them early. Those who rush to do something oftentimes make hasty decisions. Like the hunter who rifles off a round at a set of antlers off in the distance only to discover it was his brother-in-law wearing that stupid hat again. Damn him and that stupid hat. Patience is a virtue. Does it truly matter if the garbage goes out to the curb this exact second? Why can't I just wait until the garbage truck pulls in front of the house? Does the garbage care? Do the garbagemen care? So then, why do you care? Why do something today what you can do it a week from next Thursday? Why is everyone in such a rush? What's the big hurry? Good things come to those who wait. So plan on waiting longer than anyone's every waited in the history of waiting.


DARE

Dare to be different. Dare to take a path where no other chooses to tread. Dare to collect unemployment for two full years. Dare to be your own man. Dare to be brave. Dare to tell your mother-in-law she's really starting to pack it on. Dare to stand on your own merits. Dare to challenge common beliefs. Dare to tap an old person on the shoulder and act like you didn't do it. Dare.


REST

Rest is your body's way of recharging your energy supply. Rest means not only physical rest, but emotional rest, for the brain needs to reinvigorate, too. And while physical rest is good, psychological rest is even better. Psychological rest is best when your wife is out shopping and you don't have to hear her complain for the next hour or so. Psychological rest rocks.


GOSSIP

Spreading untruths regarding others can lead to unspoken pain. 'Tis far better to say nothing of how your next door neighbor never cuts his grass and his daughter is too fat to dress like a whore and his car's a piece of crap and you heard that his wife cheated on him with the guy who put up the siding on their house. 'Tis far better to say nothing of any of that. Unless someone asks. Then it is not gossip. 'Tis the spoken truth.


THE PATH TO INDIFFERENCE

It's not a straight and narrow road, The Path To Indifference. Often we find ourselves exploring another road, a road filled with hope and promise. Quickly, however, we come to realize that particular road is closed for people like us. People who don't have the money, nor the beauty, nor the desire to try to gain access to that more desired route. So we instead choose another more easily accessible, more traveled path: The Path To Indifference. Also known as Who Gives A Crap Street.


SICKNESS

Behold the joy of illness: "Sorry boss, I've got a bad cough." "I can't come in today, sir. My son has a fever." "I'll try to make it in later, but I'm not sure. I think I've got that 24 hour Aids thing." "Seats behind homeplate for today's game? Hold on, let me call in sick."


IMPOSSIBILITY

They say nothing is impossible. We disagree. Everything is impossible. At least for you. Getting out of your miserable job? Impossible. Getting out of your miserable relationship? Impossible. Getting out of death? Not impossible. Then again, why would you want to do that, given the state of your miserable life? Armed with this knowledge, go out and enjoy the day. That's impossible, you say? Excellent. Now you're starting to get it.


DARKNESS

The next time you have a difficult moment, shut your eyes and stare at the darkness. That's exactly what it will look like when you're dead. Isn't it comforting to know death is nothing more than life with your eyes closed? Doesn't that put you more at peace with the spiritual world? If not, then keep your eyes closed and cross a busy intersection.


LOSERS

Not everyone can win every time. Some rarely win at all. Nevertheless, victory is not always the most important outcome. If you know deep within yourself that you've worked hard and tried your best, but still you came up a bit short, that's not someone who lost. That's someone who with hard work and perseverance, just might win next time. Sure you will. Loser.


EXPECTATIONS

Expect little of yourself, and others will do the same. Thank God.

ATRUE MEDICAL STORY...

True Story from Houston Medical Center…

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis. According to the nurse attending, the patient’s girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.


I don’t know what’s worse:


1) Having your girl friend find out you’re married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

IF YOU WANT TO DRINK AND DRIVE... GET ONE OF THESE

CLICK TO ENLARGE (and read what it is good for)

FASHION SHOPPING IN SAUDI ARABIA....

MRS.NORTY LOVES SCRAMBLED EGGS...

Gordon Ramsey explains how to make the perfect scrambled eggs

NAME THE MOVIE THESE QUOTES CAME FROM

1. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”.
2. “Here’s Lookin’ at you, kid”
3. “I’ll be back.”
4. “May the Force be with you.”
5. “I see dead people.”
6. “Life is like a box of chocolates
7. “They’re Here!”
8. “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”
9. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”
10. “You’re gonna need a bigger boat.”
11. “I coulda been a contender.”
12. “Show me the money!”
13. “What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.”
14. “I’ll have what she’s having.”
15. “Houston, we have a problem”
16. “Here’s Johnny!”
17. “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”
18. “Go ahead, make my day.”
19. “All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.”
20. “A boy’s best friend is his mother.”

ANSWERS IN COMMENTS

QUICK ONE LINERS

Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video it's fucking hilarious!

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."

What is the difference between a Mercedes and a Skoda?
Princess Diana wouldn’t be seen dead in a Skoda.

The Karma Sutra has announced a new sex position called The Plumber: You stay in all day and nobody comes!

What runs sideways and fucks Jews?
Gas pipes.

I went out with a girl last week, she told me she wanted to be 'treated like a Princess'
So, I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a wall.

I’ve heard that reincarnation is making a comeback

West Midlands police are looking for a "racist attacker".

I phoned the information line, but apparently, it’s not a job advertisement!

When David Beckham scores I drink BECKS. When Paul Scholes scores I drink SKOL. When Tommy Miller scores I drink Millers. Thank GOD David Seaman was a goalie!

Apparently 60% of kids are overweight, and 70% of kids are having underage sex...
...so who is shagging all the fat kids?

GORGEOUS GRANDMOTHERS

BEFORE THEY WERE STARS

DANNI MINOGUE

LIZ HURLEY

JANET JACKSON

SAD BASTARDS UPDATE

THE SADDEST BASTARD OF ALL....

EVEN IF YOU LIKE THE TATTOO, HOW SCARY ARE THE SHORTS????

DOG DIARY Vs CAT DIARY

I HAVE ENCOURAGED MY PETS TO KEEP A DIARY. YESTERDAY I TOOK A SNEAK PEEK AND THIS IS WHAT I FOUND.

The Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

A RECORD WE DON'T WANT YOU TO BREAK

CLICK PICTURE TO ENLARGE

ONE IN FOUR TEENS PRETENDING TO BE DEPRESSED

ONE in four teenagers is in a really bad place right now which is making them, like, incredibly sad and stuff, a new study reveals.

Nobody understands them, and adults all treat them like kids even though they are way more grown-up than they were at this age, and all do sex and drugs and everything.

It is also really unfair to have to come home from the party at midnight, and so embarrassing to get picked up from the door, and not from around the corner like was said earlier.

Sixth former Nikki Hollis said: "I just know that bitch Erin gave Sean a handjob at the housey I couldn't go to after I was grounded over the bong, and my hair looks awful.

"My friend Claire said they were in there for ages, and when they came out, his flies were all buttoned wrong, and the stupid cow had her skirt in her knickers.

"Apparently she's insisting nothing happened, but my gay friend Geoff says it's all over the men’s toilets."

Chris Cooper, a gap year student, said he was sure he had a spot coming on the end of his nose and that he wanted to kill himself.

He said: "I’m going to work in an African village next week and I look like a walking traffic light. It’s the worse thing that could ever happen to anyone, ever."

However, leading youth psychologist Henry Brubaker said: "It’s true, the world really does revolve around you, you snivelling bag of self-pitying hormonal tossers."

HIGH FLYER

A friend of mine who is new to blogging has opened up her own site. please click on the link and visit her site.