MUM SAID IT WOULD MAKE ME GO BLIND....

LUV A DUCK

THANKS TO http://www.bulletinboardforum.com/

A TRUE LOVE STORY IN FOUR EASY STEPS

WORLDS BEST DIVORCE LETTER

World's Best Divorce Letter

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'm tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she'snot hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.

Love, Dan

Penis Study

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Ireland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

TERROR TEE SHIRT

I'm not sure about this, but it probly says a lot about the world we live in.



If you want one they are $20 click here www.terrortshirt.com/

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN (this is one of the most moving comparison videos you will ever see)

TODAYS TOP TIPS

NORTHERNERS. On hot summer nights go to bed wearing a shower cap full of frozen peas to cool your head. And when you wake up you'll have a tasty mushy pea snack ready for breakfast.

DIETERS. Buy only Russian Alphabetti Spaghetti as there are only 22 letters in the Cyrillic alphabet. Just watch the pounds fall off.

HOSPITAL patients. Arrive for your appointment two hours after the assigned arrival time. That way, you will only have to wait an hour for your doctor to see you.

EXPERIENCE the thrills of a skiing holiday without the expense. Simply sellotape two planks of wood to your feet, sit in your freezer for three hours, then run into a tree as fast as you can.

HOUSEHOLDERS. Store yellow crayons, broken pencils, dried up biros and highlighters somewhere handy. I keep mine in a jar by the telephone.

Thanks to

www.viz.co.uk/

THE CATS REVENGE

Every day for the past two years, my dog has chased my cat around the garden.

The cat has had a torrid time of it, until I installed a cat door.

You see the dog couldn't fit through the cat flap, the dog didn't know this, but the cat did!!!

So Puss just bided her time until the dog tried to get through the cat flap.

Then the cat took her revenge......

SKULL TATTOO

Damn!!!! I really think this is the most intense facial tattoo I’ve ever seen in terms of radically transforming a person’s interaction with the rest of the world… and speaking as someone with a facial tattoo, I definitely feel like this is going to be a shock to his system. Very, very intense; I’m seriously impressed at the size of his FTW balls… Turning your face into a death mask is, just… wow…

Thanks to

modblog.bmezine.com/2006/11/13/you-call-yourself-a-misfits-fan/

Scary News For Frequent Flyers!!!!

Scary News For Frequent Flyers!!!!

Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on. An actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame was spotted recently.

I'll definitely think twice before flying USAir. Check it out

Thanks Goose

LOTTERY WINNERS TO GET NOTHING

National lottery operators Camelot today announced that they will shortly be issuing a new batch of their "millionaire scratch cards" with a guaranteed jackpot prize of sod all.

Let's face it, it's all you cretins deserve

The company says that the new cards are aimed at "the apparently very large number of gormless fuckwits who wouldn't know what to do with the money anyway."

The announcement follows recent tabloid newspaper reports concerning lottery winner Eddie Grunnt and his decision to return to his 96-hour-a-week job at the dog dirt factory where he's worked for the last 52 years.

Mr Grunnt apparently made his decision upon discovering that he didn't like the taste of caviar, just six hours after winning an estimated £2.6 billion on the national lottery's "midweek extra thunderball extra" game.

The current director of Camelot, Sir Jim Llewelyn-Bowen, told us that tragic stories like these are far from uncommon.

"Our research shows that, whilst many people enjoy the thrill of watching random numbers appear on a television screen or scraping silver gunk off a bit of cardboard they bought at a petrol station, very few actually possess the mental resources required to responsibly spend a sum of money greater than £7.99" he explained.

"These new scratch cards will allow such people to piss a pound into the wind whilst dreaming of a better life, without any risk of ever being faced with the terrifying intellectual challenge of actually having to live it."

The new cards are expected to be available from all usual national lottery retailers by the end of March.

Players must be 16 or over. And retarded.

Thanks to

www.johnfanzine.com/news/