FUNNY CARTOONS

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WHAT IS OLD AGE

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .. . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge .

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

WANT TO VISIT THE BEACH IN STH KOREA...JOIN THE QUEUE

MY ASS IS FULL OF GAS....

YOU NEVER KNOW THE MINUTE....

Accidents can happen anywhere, as this pedestrian safely crossing the street is about to realise. This is why you should make the most of your time on earth.

QUESTIONS THAT NEED TO B E ANSWERED

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? What happens to that extra penny?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON tv?

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

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Why is "bra" singular and " panties" plural?

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp,
no decent human being would eat?

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you. But, when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling,the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead.
But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'

The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY
WILL OVERCOME
YOUTH AND SKILL
EVERY TIME!

RONALDINHO SQUIRREL

DO I NEED FLASH FOR A GOOD PHOTO?

A SHIP YOU WON'T WANT TO TRAVEL ON.....

PSYCHIC BOB'S MYSTICAL PREDICTIONS: FA CUP, FIFTH ROUND

PSYCHIC BOB'S MYSTICAL PREDICTIONS: FA CUP, FIFTH ROUND

I SEE red and white stripes. I see a sinister-looking man, frightening of aspect and large of girth but possessed of a grace unseen in mortal men, with the possible exception of Van Basten before his ankle imploded.
Southampton to beat Bristol Rovers

I SEE a capital city full of joy. Men are running around the streets singing. Except for two of them - one has a big nose and more houses than Barratt and the other chap has an expression of permanent surprise/dismay. They tried running for 10 yards but had to stop through exhaustion. The black fella threw up into his hands.
Cardiff to beat Wolves

WHAT is this? A prophecy? "The men of steel are resolute. Their will is unbreakable. Hewn from the very metal of the earth are they. They shall not bend, nor shall they break. But after 85 minutes of woefully inept football Aliadiere will bundle one over the line with his arse."
Middlesbrough to beat Sheffield United

VIRGIL once wrote: "Beware Greeks bearing gifts. But beware fat Americans bearing 400 million quid of somebody else's money even more." I see a turbulent sea, dotted with dodgy facial hair and banners talking about victories long since past. They shall not walk alone but they will probably get knocked out in the next round when they actually have to play a team that knows what the goal looks like.
Liverpool to beat Barnsley


I SEE two great titans locked in mortal combat. I see two mighty armies pitched in glorious battle. I see a Leicester man with big ears using the phrase "Tie of the round" several hundred times. I see a flame-haired man being described as "exploding from midfield - he's the best around for that" shortly before tripping over the ball. I see a vast arena eerily silent, at least until that greasy Portugese bastard flukes one in just before half time.
Manchester United to beat Arsenal.

THROUGH the dim mists of time I see the men of the north running around a muddy pitch sporting great big handlebar moustaches and smoking a pipe to celebrate their victory. The mists clear as we move toward the present day. I see a fallen giant currently about as appealing to watch as obese granny-porn.
Preston to beat Portsmouth


THE men of Middle Earth come face to face. But the outcome will be as important to the final reckoning as a gazelle's opinion on Third World Debt is to the lion who is eating him. I predict an ordeal more dour than a hungover Gordon Brown waiting for a bus in the pouring rain. Eventually, one side will go through, because the universe can stand only so much suffering. I see a standup comedian being picked out in the stands.
West Brom to beat Coventry


THE crystal ball show many allegories. Brian Blessed sitting on a meringue. A child with brittle bones being hit in the face with an armored personnel carrier. A snowman trying to juggle eighteen blowtorches. A mouse with broken legs, dipped in taramasalata, being kicked through a cat sanctuary. What does it all mean?
Chelsea to beat Huddersfield

with thanks http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/

JOKES

Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season, simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist ...
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink in the toilet; and when I looked down, the water was full of 5 cent pieces."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were 10 cent pieces in the bowl."
"Uh-huh"
"That night," she went on, "there were 20 cent pieces and this morning there were 50 cent pieces! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored,I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about ..."
"You're simply going through the change."

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my dad! "
The cop asked, "What's he like? "
The little boy replied,
"Beer and women with big t.i.t.s. "

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah, me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies,"No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want, after all you're the Guv'...... but God interrupts, "Ah there a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks, one on top of the other".
"20 Decks?" screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it with up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well.. sort of right..this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah......"yep fish says God, but to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp......wall to wall......floor to ceiling...Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God me old mate, let me get this right.
"you want a New Ark?"
"Check"
"With 20 Decks?"
"Check"
"One on top of the other?'
"Check"
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check" ..
"why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..............

Keep reading........its worth waiting for......
"Dunno", says God.....
"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"

A young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room. The doctor examined the baby and then asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or bottle fed?"
"Breast fed," replied the woman.
"Strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
The woman did as she was told and the doctor examined her breasts.
He squeezed and pulled each one for a while and then he sucked hard on each nipple. Finally he remarked, "No wonder this child is suffering from malnutrition. You don't have any milk!"
"That's right," said the woman. "This is my sister's child."
"Well," said the startled doctor. "I had no idea. You shouldn't have come."
"I didn't," replied the woman, "until you started sucking on my second breast."

WILLIAM RICKETTS SANCTUARY

The William Ricketts Sanctuary is in the Dandenong mountain range, on the outskirts of Melbourne.

If anyone has seen the Billy Connolly tour of Australia they will already be familiar with it. Each of the aborigne faces is different and said to represent someone he knew. William moved here with his mother in the early 1930's, leaving behind an abusive father. He is buried here under the Tree of Life. It's an incredible place to visit.

I took my parents there when they visited Melbourne 15 years ago, and my father still talks about it today. This is for you Dad.

A TEST OF YOUR MORALITY AND ETHICS

What would YOU do?

This test only has one question, but it's very important.

Please don't answer without serious deliberation..

By providing an honest answer you will be able to confirm where you stand morally.

The test scenario features a completely fictional

situation, in which you have to make a life or death decision

Remember, your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down s l o w l y - this is important for the test to work correctly.

You're in Florida USA

In Miami, to be exact...

There is chaos all around you, caused by Hurricane Henrietta and massive floods.

Torrents of racing floodwater surrounds you....and the wind cries Mary

You are a Miami Herald photographer.....and you are in the middle of this great natural disaster

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot very impressive photos...

There are houses and people disappearing into the maelstrom...

Nature is showing all its destructive fury...

Suddenly you see a smallish man, steering a big van...

He is fighting against the tide trying not to be swept away by the racing torrent of water and mud...

You move closer...

Somehow the man looks familiar ...

Holy Cow! it's George W. Bush!

The raging waters are about to sweep him away to an almost certain death..

You have two options. You can save him or you can take the greatest photo of your career?

So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can capture a Pulitzer prize winning image...

A photo showing the last terrified moments of the most powerful man on earth

And here's the question: (Please give an honest answer)

Will you use black and white or color film?

CHEERS!!!!!!

IF MY NEIGHBOURS INVITE YOU AROUND FOR A SWIM.....DON'T GO