COMIC STRIPS

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WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT???

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JOKES FOR NORTYGORDY SNR

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly. There are two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He has not, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
The Waiter replies..............
So solly…….. I brought you Peeking Duck!!

Bloke goes to the doctors with a golf ball up his arse.
The doctor gets him to bend over and spread his cheeks so he can have a proper look after poking and prodding the doctor says.
Oooh….. I don’t know what to do, it’s in a fairway.

A bloke goes into a chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks the guy behind the counter,
"Have you got any fishcakes?"
"No", replies the chippy.
The bloke says “That’s a pity, it’s his birthday today”.

A magician accidentally turned his wife into a sofa and his two kids into
armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, "What on earth have I
done?"
He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family? I don't
know any magic to turn them back into people! So, he thought for a while and
decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could
operate and bring them back. He loaded them into his van and off he rushed to
the local hospital.
He walked up and down the hospital hall and after some serious surgery, he asks
the doctor, "Doc, how are they?"
The doctor replied, "Comfortable!"

Man walks up to a woman in a night club and says "Hi, the names Bond"
the woman says "oh don't tell me........James Bond?" The chap says
"No Uni Bond and I'm here to fill your crack?!"

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked.

“I’m on your shoulder” the voice replied

"Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the fuck, were you when I got married?"

A SON'S LETTER TO HIS MUM

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed,
"Mum"
With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands..... It read:-
Dear Mum:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you & Dad .
I've been finding real passion with Barbara and she is so nice even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mum, she's pregnant and she assures me that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her since she is so much older than I am, she already owns a trailer in Moe and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Barbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we need.
In the meantime, we pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Barbara can get better; she deserves it!
Don't worry, Mum, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your Son,
Andy x

P.S. Mum, none of this is true. I am over at Ben’s house, but I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my school report. Which, is in my bedside drawer.
I love you!

A MORNING POEM

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WHO DO I LOOK LIKE?

Have you ever been stopped by a stranger on the street who asked you 'Hey, aren't you that actor in that movie about...?' Have you ever wondered if you look like a particular celebrity? Well, now is your chance to find out!

You can use 'FindMyLookAlike' to automatically determine which celebrities look most similar to the person in a photo that you submit. It does this by using advanced facial recognition technology that was developed by AOL Labs in collaboration with Oxford University and Caltech University.

Just click on the link, to open the page insert your photo in the browse link... then a minute or so later it will tell you who you look like.

CLEVER CARD TRICK

A card trick created by Richard Wiseman. The first time you watch this you probably wonder how it is done. Watch it a second time and I'm sure you'll figure it out.

ADS THAT WOULDN'T WORK TODAY

STUPID INVENTION OF THE WEEK

Stupid invention of the week has to go to a fire alarm that was designed in 1938. The purpose of this alarm was to prevent pranksters setting off the alarm and wasting the fire brigades time.

It works by trapping your arm into the box and you cannot escape until the police or fire brigade let you out.

This means that if there is an actual fire then the person is going to burn to death because of this invention. GENIUS!

I THINK I'VE BEEN EATING TOO MUCH CHICKEN

I GOT ME A NEW TATTOO

THERE ARE TWO BRITISH SOLDIERS HIDING USING CAMOUFLAGE. SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT THEM...

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