Wednesday, January 03, 2007
FROM A WOMANS POINT OF VIEW
My husband and I used to fight about those nights out with the boys, I don’t know why, it’s not like I did it every night.
I went to a fancy dress party as my mother…. I put on high heels, bad make up and I criticized everyone who spoke to me.
When I was a kid, Halloween was great fun. I used to go out dressed as a tramp…. High heel shoes, short skirts and fishnet stockings.
I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, how about cheap and baldy.
When it came to lovemaking, what my husband lacks in size, he makes up for in speed.
I fall in love far too easily; the last guy couldn’t handle it. I’m like “I love you, I’m willing to move into your place, I want your children.” He’s like “Thanks lady, but could you please just give me the $10 for the pizza, and I’ll be going”.
I’m a secretary, on a good day I type 95 words a minute, on a bad day, I turn up drunk dressed in my pyjamas.
I discovered that there are things you should teach a two year old child, like don’t touch a hot stove, don’t pull lamps off tables and definitely don’t wake Mummy before Noon.
I’ve got fat knees, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
I’ve reached the age where my biological clock is giving me the finger.
I was in the supermarket, when I saw a sign saying FEMININE NEEDS. “At last” I said, “A shop that sells handsome, well hung guys, who call when they say they will, and know how to cook”.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
NEW DRINKING WORDS
DE-BONED - To become so drunk you appear not to have any skeletal structure to hold you up.
DEJA BOOZE - When an infrequently enjoyed drink reminds you of the last time you enjoyed it. As in, “This margarita reminds me of when I was partying in
DRINK SHRINK - Those who, after a few drinks, discover they have the ability to psychoanalyze and offer solid personal advice to their friends and/or strangers.
FUGLY BUS - The mysterious bus that whisks away all the ugly people from the bar and replaces them with their beautiful cousins while you’re in the bathroom draining your tenth pint.
JUMPING ON THE GRENADE - When two groups of the opposite sex meet, one member “jumps on the grenade” by talking to (or possibly sleeping with) the least attractive member of the other group so as to ensure the success of the rest of the group.
KAMIKAZE EYES - The look a drunk gets when he spies someone he always hated but never had the guts to fight. Until now.
PAVEMENT PIZZA - Vomit on the sidewalk, often found outside bars.
SKINFLINT SPRINT - The fast walk a departing patron employs after he’s left the cocktail waitress a less-than-generous tip on the table.
ALCOHEIMERS. the inability to remember what happened while drinking the night before.
BARF-LIES. post-vomiting affirmations that you will never drink again.
HALFWAY TO HEAVINGTON . half drunk.
HURDLING IN THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS. to trip over furniture while drunk.
NIGHTINGALE . someone who nurses a drink for an extended period of time; a reference to the legendary nurse Florence Nightingale.
SOCIAL LUBRICANTITUS . the inability to enjoy an event without the presence of alcohol.
HAVE A GAME OF BULLSHIT
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Monotone voices burbling on and on like a creek for hours on end, forcing you to look for the nearest sharp object or length of wire to end it all. Here's a way to change all of that...
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
| synergy | strategic fit | core competencies | best practice | bottom line |
| take that off-line | 24/7 | out of the loop | benchmark | revisit |
| value-added | proactive | win-win | think outside the box | fast track |
| result-driven | empower | knowledge base | solution | touch base |
| mindset | client focus | paradigm | game plan | leverage |
3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"
CHRISTMAS LETTER FROM MY MUM
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry.
I'm just fine considering
I can't breathe or eat.
The important thing is that you have a nice holiday,
thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.
I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card,
which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren.
God knows their mother never buys them anything nice.
They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy.
I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave.
Which reminds me ; we buried Grandma last week.
I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good
funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services
all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that
woman you live with would have never let you come.
I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now.
I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me.
I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off
and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.
Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because
I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year.
Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is
the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Merry Christmas.
Love,
Mom
Monday, January 01, 2007
TODAYS JOKES
A salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later, he pulled out his head and looks in the mirror, and saw the best haircut of his life.
"Would wonders never cease! This futuristic stuff is amazing," he thought. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures $10, why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need when away from their wives,...
He skipped the rest of the description, and saw PRICE: 50 Cents "Oh, man.... do I ever need that!" He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....
Which, now had a button neatly sewn on the end.
A recent study found that the type of male face that a woman is attracted to can vary considerably depending upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.
It seems that if a woman is ovulating then she is more attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, she is more inclined to be drawn to a man who is doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors embedded deep into his temple and a cricket stump shoved up his arse.
Fascinating...............
The attractive young miss was about to go to bed with her blind date when she burst into tears.
"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!"
"I believe you," her date said, as he tried to comfort her.
"You're the first one," she gulped.
"The first one to make love to you?" he asked.
"No, silly," she replied. "The first one to believe me..!"
Bill and Alice decided that the only way they could manage a little romance with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few moments passed. “Looks like the
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father yelled.
“Because Tommy Smith is standing out on the balcony too!”
QUICKIES
I said to my wife, I want to try anal sex. She said “Sure, just turn around, you can be first”.
Our daughter said in her sex education class, the teacher used a cucumber to demonstrate the correct way to put on a condom. I was shocked, but my wife’s only comment was “a cucumber…… girl are you gonna be disappointed”.
I asked my girlfriend what she fantasized about when we were having sex. She said she didn’t have enough time to fantasize.
I think my wife is having an affair…… She broke her ankle in the glove box of her car.
The first time, I ever got undressed in front of a woman was horrible. I slipped off my shirt, dropped my pants to my ankles and seductively removed my Y-fronts. She started screaming, and then they kicked me off the bus.
I’ve taken up karate. I can now break my hand in half, just by hitting a brick.
I now save money, by not going skiing, I just stand in my freezer while my wife smacks me across the face with tree branches, then I fall head first onto the kitchen floor.
I recently became born again. It was a glorious and wonderful experience. Mind you it wasn’t a lot of fun for my mother.
I discovered Zen Buddhism; it teaches you the art of thinking and doing nothing. Last week I got fired for being a Zen Master.
My neighbour was a bigot and a compulsive bed wetter. He used to go to Ku Klux Klan meetings in a rubber sheet.
