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Asylum

Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of Asylum. Today's programme features another chance to take part in our exciting competition....

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JOKES OF THE DAY 5/04

Shopping Scam.
In Sainsburys, while loading your shopping into the car, you may be approuched by two fit 18 yr old girls in skimpy clothing. They wash your windscreen with their tits hanging out and then ask you for a lift home as payment.
On the way home they strip off and go down on each other. Then one climbs in the front and sucks you off. The other then nicks your wallet !
I had mine stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday again on Saturday and also yesterday !

A woman is standing nude in front of her bedroom mirror and looking at herself.
She says to her husband, “I’m horribly fat and ugly, please pay me a compliment.”
“Sure,” the husband replies, “your eye sight's fucking 20-20!”

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says," There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely - are... my... test...results...back?"

SCARED OF HEIGHTS? THEN DON'T SEE THIS...

Click on photo to enlarge

POEM OF THE DAY 2/04

GIRLS PRAYER
Lord Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the wanker you sent me instead.

Amen.

GUYS PRAYER
Lord I pray for a chick with big tits.

Amen

JOKES OF THE DAY 2/04

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.
And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker."

A newlywed couple goes to bed early on christmas night. The wife awakes in the middle of the night, wakes her husband and says: "Honey, honey wake up! I had the most amazing dream!"
Husband: "Huh, what was it?"
Wife: "In my dream I saw a christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of dicks. There was big ones, small ones, black ones, white ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect dick: it was long and thick!"
Husband: "Well, it was my dick, right?"
Wife: "No, it was Dennis Rodman's!"
The husband, somewhat annoyed that his wife awoke him to tell him about a dream about Dennis Rodmans dick, rolled over and went to sleep. Later that evening the husband awoke and wakes his wife and says: "Honey, I had the most amazing dream!"
Wife: "What was it?"
Husband: "In my dream I saw a christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of pussy's. There were tight ones, loose ones, black ones, white ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect pussy: it was tight and shaved!"
Wife: "Was it mine?"
Husband: "No, yours was holding the tree up!"

Man says to wife I fancy kinky sex, how bout I cum in your ear ?
Wife says "No I might go deaf".
Man says "I've been cumming in your mouth for 20yrs and you still never stop fucking talking.

ANY MORE THAN A HANDFULL IS A WASTE 2

BEFORE YOU MARRY HIM... CHECK OUT HIS FAMILY

DAD

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE DAUGHTER'S GOING TO LOOK LIKE. LOOK AT THE MOTHER.

SONG OF THE DAY 19/03

Summer Lovin'

Sung to the song "Summer Lovin" from Grease:

Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast"

Monica: "White House intern, happened so fast"

Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me"

Monica: "Met the prez, down on my knees"

Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, oh, i, but those summer nights"

Grand Jury: "Well, ah well, ah well, ah uh. Tell us more, tell us more"

Linda Tripp: "Try to remember your best"

Grand Jury: "Tell us more, tell us more"

Kenneth Starr: "Did he come on your dress?"

Grand Jury: Uh-huh....Uh-huh...Uh-huh....

Grand Jury: Uh-huh....Uh-huh....Uh-huh....

Bill: "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp"

Monica: "The prez is sexy - he makes my pants damp"

Bill: "She gave me head, right in the White House"

Monica: "I said OK, just don't come in my mouth"

Bill: "Summer days, gobbling away, oh, i, but those summer nights"

Grand Jury: "Well, ah well, ah well, ah uh. Tell us more, tell us more"

Linda Tripp: "He sounds like a swell guy"

Grand Jury: "Tell us more, tell us more"

Kenneth Starr: "Did he tell you to lie?"

(Slower now)

Bill: "Press found out, it turned into a mess"

Monica: "He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress"

Bill: "She promised to lie, she made a vow"

Monica: "Wonder who is servicing him now"

Bill & Monica: "Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams

But----oh--- Those White House Nights"

WHY GIRLS LIKE TIGHT SHORTS

MY WIFE HAS GONE MISSING

MISSING WIFE

PLEASE READ FIRST!

Dear Sir,

I am writing to ask your help in locating my missing wife.

We were on a wonderful trip to Africa for our honeymoon several months ago.

On our flight back, we had a connection in England and somehow became separated.

I had her paged for several hours and then contacted local and international police to assist me in locating her.

To date, all of our attempts to find her have been unsuccessful.

I am now desperate to find my lost love and am trying to use the Internet to locate her.

Please forward this to everyone you know so I can spread the word on locating my missing wife.

Mr. Richard Small
Portland, Oregon, USA

After a few weeks search ....

Dear Mr. Small,

We have found your wife in Africa of all places.

However, it is unknown how she got here, nor is she able to talk because of lockjaw, but we are under the impression that she does not want to leave.

We have tried for several days to bring her back home, but she is insistent on staying here.

I have enclosed a picture for you to see that she is okay. Do not worry, because she is in good hands here in this village.

Please contact us if there is anything else you might want to know.

Nairobi Police Department
See attached photo of your lost bride
Louis M. Barrie

JOKES OF THE DAY 18/03

A guy runs into this girl at a bar. After a few drinks and a little dancing, they decide that they're going to end up spending the night together. In the car on the way back to his house, she looks at him guiltily and says, "I have a confession to make. This bra that I'm wearing," she continues, "well, its padded."
He quickly responds, "that's okay, it doesn't matter."
"Its *really* padded," she adds. "I'm flat as a baby," she explains, "there's, like, nothing there."
"I guess thats okay," he follows, "I have a confession to make as well."
After a moment, he continues, "I'm, sorta, well, hung like a baby."
She ponders a moment and agrees that it really doesn't matter, and that they're both going to have fun anyway.
When they arrive at his house, they go into the bedroom and begin undressing. Sure enough, she removes her bra and she's so flat that you can see her ribs.
He smiles at her, takes his pants off, and his damn member hits the floor!
"What!" she exclaims, "I thought that you said you were hung like a baby!"
"I am," he replied, "8 pounds, 24 inches!"

Two men are sitting at a bar.
One impeccably dressed in an Armani suit the other in his work clothes.
The business man turns to the other and says
" I bought my wife a brand new BMW and a 5 carat diamond for mother's day"
The worker looks confused and say
"Why two such extravagant gifts?"
"Well...if she decides she doesn't like the ring she can drive her BMW back
to Tiffany's and exchange it for what she would prefer"
"Oh" says the worker" I did something similar for my wife"
"How so?" says the business man
"Well I bought her a pair of slippers and a dildo"
The business man looked truly confused
"Well..ye see..if she doesn't like the slippers she can go Fuck herself"

THE NORTYGORDY DATING AGENCY SUCCESS STORIES

(click to enlarge)

POLITICAL LEADERS???

(click on photo to enlarge)

JOKES OF THE DAY 17/03

A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".
"Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".
Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".
"What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"

A sailor has sex with a Hong Kong hooker and a week later he goes to a doctor because his penis has turned yellow, purple and green. The doctor takes a look and says, "Well, it's pretty bad. We'll have to amputate." "No way!", says the sailor. He runs out and thinks, "Hmm... Chinese girl - Chinese doctor."So, he goes to Chinatown and finds a Chinese herbalist. The herbalist takes a look.The sailor says, "Hey doc, the previous doctor said he'd have to amputate."Chinese herbalist said, "Oh no. No need amputate. Two - three days - fall off all by itself!"

A lady decided to go into business and open an art gallery. she asked a painter she knew if he would paint a picture of Custer's last stand for the grand opening of the Gallery. On the day of the grand opening, the lady unveiled the painting and let out a gasp... It was a painting with a pile of excrement with a halo around it in the foreground, and hundreds of Indians having sex in the background. She confronted the painter, asking what the meaning of this was... He replied that he did a lot of research on Custer's last words, and found that they were, "Holy shit! Look at all the fucking Indians!"

POSTERS YOU NEVER SEE (click on photo to enlarge)

JOKES OF THE DAY 13/03

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?” the judge asked the second boy. "Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said, "This small circle is your asshole before prison...."

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was concerning involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman, "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure," she said, "he's at home, taking care of the kids."

A yuppie walked into a doctor's surgery and demanded the quack have a look at his dick.
"Why, what's wrong with it?" the doc asked.
"I'll show you", the yuppie yelled, and dropped his trousers.
His dick was the size of a jellybean, and the doctor couldn't help himself. He burst out laughing.
"It's nothing to laugh at," complained the yuppie, close to tears.
"It's been swollen like that for the last three days!"

JOKES OF THE DAY 12/03

These two whales where swimming in the ocean. One of the whales notices a whaling ship up above and says to the other, "Hey that looks like the same whaling ship that got our friend just the other day." And the other says, "Yeah, I got an Idea. Lets go blow some bubbles underneath and tip the boat over." The other agrees and before long men are spilling into the ocean. One whale says, "Ok lets go eat some of those men." and the other whale replies, "I don't mind a good blow, but I made a rule never to swallow sea men"

A man is in a garden, when a ladder comes down from the heavens. He hears an unearthly voice saying : "Climb the ladder to success". So he goes up, and after a while, there's a really ugly woman on a landing on the side of the ladder. She says to him: "Fuck me or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but decides he rather have success.
He goes up, and sees two quite nice women sitting on a landing on the side. "Fuck us or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but decides it’s not worth it.
He goes up again, and there are three really beautiful women on the next landing. "Fuck us or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but realises that the women are getting much more beautiful, younger, and are increasing in number as he climbs the ladder. So he climbs the ladder, and reaches the top.
There’s a young man sitting there. "Hi, I'm Cess."

This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny...keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with an "X" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" the guy says, "Gimme 3 boxes." The next day, the same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants.
The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Tiger Balm"
The pharmacist replies, "TIGER BALM?!?!?! You're not going to put Tiger Balm on that are you?"
The guy says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

THERE IS SOMEONE FOR EVERYONE