AL'S FAVOURITE ONE LINERS

Answer phone message

If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that he

Couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in, by a strong current.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.

Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

HERE'S AL WITH JANET