TODAYS JOKES

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later, he pulled out his head and looks in the mirror, and saw the best haircut of his life.
"Would wonders never cease! This futuristic stuff is amazing," he thought. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures $10, why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need when away from their wives,...
He skipped the rest of the description, and saw PRICE: 50 Cents "Oh, man.... do I ever need that!" He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....

Which, now had a button neatly sewn on the end.

A recent study found that the type of male face that a woman is attracted to can vary considerably depending upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.
It seems that if a woman is ovulating then she is more attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, she is more inclined to be drawn to a man who is doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors embedded deep into his temple and a cricket stump shoved up his arse.
Fascinating...............

The attractive young miss was about to go to bed with her blind date when she burst into tears.
"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!"
"I believe you," her date said, as he tried to comfort her.
"You're the first one," she gulped.
"The first one to make love to you?" he asked.
"No, silly," she replied. "The first one to believe me..!"

Bill and Alice decided that the only way they could manage a little romance with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few moments passed. “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out, “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Smiths are in the bedroom having a fuck.”

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father yelled.

“Because Tommy Smith is standing out on the balcony too!”