TODAYS JOKES

A man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what happened. He told them it had happened at church. They insisted that you couldn't get a black eye at church, and wanted to know what really happened.
So, he told them, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen, and when she had stood up, her dress had got stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I
am, I reached over and pulled it out for her and she did not like that so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he
explained, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---and there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."
At this point the other men interrupted and said "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of there again?"
"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that---so I shoved it back in."

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and he gets a call from a friend, who tells him that he knows a midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and that he was sending him over.
The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or a female horse.
"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth. Can I three her mouf?". So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouf. Can I three her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the midget again and shows him the horse's eyes. "Ok, what about her eearth?" The owner, by this time, is getting really pissed off, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears.
"OK," says the midget, "Can I see her twat?" With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can
I thee her wun awownd?"

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic lovefrom his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."