Wednesday, February 20, 2008
DON'T SEND YOUR WIFE TO THE HARDWARE STORE
LIFE IN BRITAIN IN THE 15TH CENTURY
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water..
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying It’s raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the “upper crust”.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.)
to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
FIREMAN SEX
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,
‘You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we’re on the fire
truck ready to go.
From now on when I say
I want you to strip naked.
When I say
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say
We are going to make love all night.’
The next night he came home from work and yelled,
‘
When he yelled ‘BELL 2!’, the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled ‘BELL 3!’, they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled ‘BELL 4!’
What the hell is
asked the husband?
GIVE ME MORE HOSE,’
she replied
‘YOU’RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'
DAD, HERE'S SOME JOKES FOR THE PUB
A
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
License and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,
I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The
out of the lawyer and says
'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and drunk, all
for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third
pub.
Two men were driving through Esperance when they got pulled over.
The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolled down the window and "Whack!"
-- the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in Esperance, son," the cop answered.
"When we pull you over in Esperance, you better have your license ready
by the time we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," he replied. "I'm from
The cop runs a check on the guy's license -- and finds out he's clean.
So he gives the guy his license back, then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window with his nightstick.
The passenger rolled down the window and "Whack!"
-- the cop belted him with his nighstick.
"What did you do that for?" asked the passenger.
"Just making your wish come true," replied the cop.
"Making WHAT wish come true?"
"I know you lot from
"Two miles down the road you were going to say to your buddy,
'I wish that asshole had tried that shit with me.'"
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying
and he called his grandson to his bed and told him:
"Grandson I wanta you to listen to me.
I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me".
The grandson replies: "But grandpa I really don't like guns,
how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead"
.The don, angry, answers: "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness,
you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money,
a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino,
some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man.
Whata you gonna do then?
Pointa to your watch and “TIME THEM"?
Man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, yes.
The robber shoots him dead.
He asks the second hostage if he too saw him rob
the bank.
The second hostage says, yes, and the robber
shoots him dead.
The robber goes up to the third hostage and asks him if he saw him rob the bank.
The third hostage answers, “No, but my wife did.”
Monday, February 18, 2008
LETTER FROM WAYNE
Hi Guys,
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a Full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby.
His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman
jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that
Friday, February 15, 2008
SUPPORT THE SONS OF SHANKLY
This Saturday sees Liverpool take on Barnsley in the fifth round of the FA Cup, but prior to the match the newly formed Liverpool Supporters Union - “Sons of Shankly” (SOS) - are holding a meeting which all fans are invited to attend. The meeting will take place at The Olympia (see below for full details) from 12 noon, the reasons for S.O.S. and the reasons for their plans are outlined below in their press release, please read it, print it out and spread the word to anybody going to the match.
S.O.S. are calling for all fans to protest for 15 minutes after the match and also to boycott all LFC merchandise. We at This Is Anfield especially support the idea of the post-match protest, along with the idea of not purchasing a matchday programme or food and drink inside the ground.
Instead of getting a programme, pick up a fanzine from outside the ground and in return give something back to fellow fans.
Don’t buy a pie, beer or anything else inside the ground - it’s hugely over-priced, poor quality and you can easily go without. Don’t line the pockets of Hicks and Gillett (read below why).
Enjoy the match, support the team 100% during the match, let our feelings be known after the match and by keeping your money in your pocket.
Press Release from “Sons of Shankly”, Liverpool Supporters Union:
You may or may not have heard of us. But here’s a little bit about who we are.
To do exactly as it says on the tin. A Union for all Liverpool Supporters. A voice that represents us all. A platform for us all to stand together and fight for what we believe in.
It is early days, and more details of how the organisation will grow will appear over the next few weeks and months. But the catalyst for our formation…..
We want Tom Hicks and George Gillett out of our club - why?
THEY LIED & HAVE JEOPARDISED OUR CLUB FOR THEIR PERSONAL GAIN
They promised that all loans would be would be secured against their own personal assets.
THEY LIED
•They have taken out a loan of £350m. £105m has been secured against the club and £245m against Kop Holdings – which owns 100% of Liverpool Football Club and has only one source of revenue: The Club.
•So, regardless of the smoke and mirrors, Liverpool Football Club has to pay all of the interest on all of the £350m.
•The interest payments alone for this debt will be around £30m each year. All of which will be payable by Liverpool FC – more than enough to wipe out the club’s operating profit.
•Gillett and Hicks have only taken out this new loan over an 18 month contract. This is very unusual for a deal of this size; three years is the usual minimum term. Wall Street analysts believe that this is because they had difficulty in getting the banks to lend them the money. Which raises questions about:
THE STADIUM
• £60m of that loan has been earmarked for starting construction of the new ground.
•There is no funding yet in place to complete the stadium, nor has planning permission been granted for a 71,000 capacity. Existing consent is for 60,000, with any increase depending upon improvements to transport and car parking. With no underground car park, the new plans have less car parking than the original 60,000 design!
•If they can’t borrow again in 18 months then they cannot complete the stadium. How can they pledge now that the stadium will be built? In the same way they pledged it would be well on its way to completion twelve months ago – by misleading us.
•So do they actually intend to complete the building of the new stadium?
•Should Hicks & Gillett get the loan to actually build the new ground, the additional interest payments will be £25m per year.
•This will leave Liverpool Football Club to shoulder annual payments of £55m in interest alone. Which begs the question:
WHERE WILL THE FUNDS COME FROM FOR TRANSFERS?
• When they took over, Hicks & Gillett promised to back the manager in the transfer market.
•From the two transfer windows Hicks and Gillett have owned the club for, Benitez has spent £48.5m on players, and recouped £33.5m in player sales. A net spend of £15m. This is the up-to-date figure that includes the purchase of Skrtel and the sale of Sissoko.
•The club brought in around £30m from the run to the Champions League Final last season alone. On top of this there is the increased TV money the club’s has received.
•Where is the money Gillett and Hicks have backed the manager with? They’ve lied to us, they’ve manipulated the press, and some people have believed the spin. We won’t.
•In reality, after all the talk about money and Snoogy Doogy, the manager has spent £15m in the last two transfer windows. How is that backing him in the transfer market?
It is about time the real picture was painted for all Liverpool fans out there.
They promised to respect the club’s heritage, history and traditions.THEY HAVE LIED AND LIED.
They asked to be judged on what their actions. Well they have failed to make a start or produce the funding on the stadium, the major reason why David Moores looked for investment, they have failed to back the manager in the transfer market, They have not put one single cent of their own money into this club and they have undermined the traditions of the football club and the office of manager.
They have, however, managed to create huge debt for LFC to pay off without any end product.
How, exactly, is the football club in a better position now than it was twelve months ago under David Moores?
After the Sunderland game, we staged a 15 minutes stay behind protest at the end of the game. We intend to do the same again.
During the protest, Steve McManaman commented on Setanta that the Americans had backed the manager in the transfer market, secured their new loan bringing money into the club, and we should all forget about it and move on. We don’t blame McManaman, a fair number of good Reds have been won over by their spin, so why shouldn’t a blue?
So it’s time to spread the message and get the real goings on from within Anfield to a wider audience. It’s about time the truth was exposed. Hicks and Gillett have to be forced out of Anfield before they wreak more havoc.
New Australian Citizenship Test
It is only fair that this new citzenship questionairre has been devised to help them understand the Aussie Language, Customs, Food and Culture
New Australian Citizenship Test
LANGUAGE
1. Do you understand the meaning, or are able to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?
2. What is a mole?
3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."
CUSTOMS
1. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
2. Complete the following sentences: a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ... b) You're going home in the back of a .... c) Fair suck of the .
3. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
4. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
5. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
FOOD
1. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
2. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
3. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
4. Do you have an Aunty Myrna who is famous for her tuna mornay and other dishes involving a can of cream of celery soup?
5. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been nicked from a bath full of ice?
6. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
7. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
CULTURE
1. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
2. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
3. Who would you like to crack on to?
4. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
5. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
6. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan?
Thursday, February 14, 2008
JOKES FROM SHAZZA
ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found
her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
he could also fly."
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' "
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled
and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine
could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover
the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small,
$6,500 for "medium, and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged
him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
GREAT RELIGION ISLAM...
In a rare criticism of the kingdom's powerful "mutaween" police, the Saudi media has accused them of hindering attempts to save 15 girls who died in the fire on Monday.
About 800 pupils were inside the school in the holy city of Mecca when the tragedy occurred.
| |
One witness said he saw three policemen "beating young girls to prevent them from leaving the school because they were not wearing the abaya".
The Saudi Gazette quoted witnesses as saying that the police - known as the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice - had stopped men who tried to help the girls and warned "it is a sinful to approach them".
The father of one of the dead girls said that the school watchman even refused to open the gates to let the girls out.
"Lives could have been saved had they not been stopped by members of the Commission for Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice," the newspaper concluded.
Relatives' anger
Families of the victims have been incensed over the deaths.Most of the victims were crushed in a stampede as they tried to flee the blaze.
The school was locked at the time of the fire - a usual practice to ensure full segregation of the sexes.
The religious police are widely feared in Saudi Arabia. They roam the streets enforcing dress codes and sex segregation, and ensuring prayers are performed on time.
Those who refuse to obey their orders are often beaten and sometimes put in jail.
Monday, February 11, 2008
DANDENONG MATHS EXAM
DANDENONG SECONDARY COLLEGE - CITY OF GREATER DANDENONG MATHEMATICS EXAM
NAME
GANG
Youse Time allowed is 1 hour
1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen 18-inch Auscar slotted wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from the stock suspension?
2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?
3. If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in
4. Phan has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an "8 ball" to Hamil for $320.00 and 2 grams to Dak Hoang for $85.00 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
5. If Darren receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink and works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $400.00 per week and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the Keysborough Wreckers?
6. If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 47?
7. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
8. If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop in
9. If Dandenong's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month, the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, at what rate are the Aussies leaving?
10. Quang is pimping for three girls. If the price is $75.00 for the trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang can pay for his $200 per day crack habit?
11. If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from Dandenong North to
one given time?
12. If Mario's dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals 1 x golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately 17 sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average length of 2 cm, what is the probability that the ornaments will be visible from:
a) 2 feet away .....%
b) 5 feet away .....%
c) 100 feet away .....%
END OF EXAM
WELCOME TO AUSTRALIA
A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a New Zealander."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such beautiful country here in Australia !"
The person says, "I not Australian, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not Australian!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Australian?"
She says, "No, I am from South America !"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Australians?"
The African lady checks her watch and says...."Probably at work."
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
PRAWN JOKE
Two prawns are best friends and swimming around in the sea.
One is called Justin, the other one is called Christian.
It's pretty boring being a prawn, so they were swimming around, disscussing what it would be like to be a shark. "I'd love to be a shark." said Christian. "Yeah, me to." said Justin. "It'd be a lot of fun."
"Anyway, I've got to go " said Christian. "See you".
So Justin is swimming home, still wondering what it would be like to be a shark, when he comes across a cod. "So you want to be a shark?" Said the cod. "Yeah" said Justin "Howd you know that?" "I am a magic cod and if you wish it, I can make you a shark."
Justin though about it, and decided to go ahead with it.
The next day Justin wakes up and discovers he is a shark. He decides to go tell all of his friends but when he gets to all of them, they run away. "No No!! Go away!!!" The they all said, even Christian.
So Justin is now swimming around, depressed that he hasn't got any friends when he comes across cod again.
"Change me back" he said in desperation. "Alright" says the cod.
So the next day Justin wakes up and finds he is a prawn again. He is so exited he goes to tell his friends.
"No! Go away Justin, you'll eat me!" says Christian
"No, you don't understand!" says Justin
"I've changed, I found cod, I'm a prawn again Christian!"
GOD HAS SPOKEN
Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other,
"Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand."
Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His name has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in what He called "an unending cycle of violence."
"I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a person tells you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don't care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else's, ever again."
"I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you'd get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important," said God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. "I guess I figured I'd left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?"
"But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know, somebody's spouting off some nonsense about, 'God says I have to kill this guy, God wants me to kill that guy, it's God's will,'" God continued. "It's not God's will, all right? News flash: 'God's will' equals 'Don't murder people.'"
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
MODERN WORDS
Beer Coat:
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
BOBFOC:
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
Bone of Contention:
A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
Aussie Kiss:
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
Breaking the Seal:
Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
Cider Visor:
Beer Goggles for the young drinker.
Cliterature:
1-handed reading material.
Cock-A-Doodle-Poo:
The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick.
Crappuccino:
The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.
Double Bass:
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other.
The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.
Etch-A-Sketch:
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
Fizzy Gravy:
or Rusty Water. Diarrhoea.
Flogging On:
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
Frigmarole:
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
FuckShitFuckShitFuckShit:
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
Going For a McShit:
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
Greyhound:
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
Hand-to-Gland Combat:
A vigorous masturbation session.
Hefty Cleft:
or Horse's Collar, or Welly Top. Description of a very large vagina.
McSplurry:
The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast food restaurants.
Millennium Domes:
The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.
Monkey
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".
Mystery Bus:
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
Mystery Taxi:
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
NBR:
No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.
Picasso Arse:
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks.
Sperm Wail:
A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
Starfish Trooper:
or Arsetronaut. A homosexual.
10-Pinter:
Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.
2-Bagger:
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)
Titanic:
A lady who goes down first time out.
Todger Dodger:
A lesbian.
Wank Seance:
During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
X-Piles:
Unwanted visitors from Uranus.
Monday, February 04, 2008
GIRLS NIGHT OUT
Daughter: My friends and I want to go out tonight.
Mother: Where are ya'll going ?
Daughter: To the cowboy bar on the edge of town.
Mother: I'm don't think you should. There's been a lot of trouble at that place. I heard there was a fight there last weekend, and several people got hurt.
Daughter: But mom!! Please!! It'll be okay.
Mother: No, your life is more important than going out.
Daughter: But Tiny is going with us...
Mother: Well, in that case, it should be okay.. Ya'll have fun!
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HOW THE FUTURE LOOKED IN 1979
This page (found at Cynical-C) is from the 1979 book Future Cities: Homes and Living into the 21st Century. It described “the electronic household.” Click the picture to see it full-size. It said in the 21st century, we would enjoy huge flat-screen TVs, discs for recording and playing back TV shows, videocameras (with rerecordable tape instead of film!), electronic mail, videophones, and robots to serve drinks. Four of the six predictions are now common in the living rooms (and bedrooms) of people who can afford them. The robot who serves our drinks is still a novelty in development. Someone somewhere figured out it was much simpler just to store cold drinks in the living room, or in my case, put a coffeemaker in the bedroom. Besides, a child or a spouse is less likely to trip over the carpet while delivering your Red Bull.
The videophone is available, but never caught on for good reasons. When you are in the comfort of your home, you don’t want to put on makeup, or even clothing, just to answer the phone. For those of us who are domestically-challenged, it’s not worth cleaning up the room, either. The guy in the picture probably wouldn’t even answer the phone, considering that awful tracksuit-and-boots combination he’s wearing!
20 UGLIEST CELEBRITIES
Michael Jackson
Did you really expect anyone else? Michael Jackson used to be a successful black singer, but took it upon himself to destroy his face and reputation. He now looks like an albino alien whose nose appears to change on a daily basis. Just goes to show you what can happen if you are too critical of your looks... you can end up an albino alien like Mike.
Marilyn Manson
Jocelyn Wildenstein
Michael Berryman
DJ Qualls
Marty Feldman
Clint Howard
Shane MacGowan
Lyle Lovett
Kelis
Iggy Pop
Steven Tyler
Courtney Love
Donatella Versace
Amy Winehouse
Ronaldinho
Kelly Osbourne
Tori Spelling
Rosie O'Donnell
Rachel Dratch
thanks http://www.oddee.com/
