DAD, HERE'S SOME JOKES FOR THE PUB

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper .

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says,' License and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.

License and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.

License and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,

I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.

If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights

out of the lawyer and says

'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and drunk, all
for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third
pub.

Two men were driving through Esperance when they got pulled over.

The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and "Whack!"

-- the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Esperance, son," the cop answered.

"When we pull you over in Esperance, you better have your license ready

by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," he replied. "I'm from Kalgoorlie and didn't know the local laws here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license -- and finds out he's clean.

So he gives the guy his license back, then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The passenger rolled down the window and "Whack!"

-- the cop belted him with his nighstick.

"What did you do that for?" asked the passenger.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the cop.

"Making WHAT wish come true?"

"I know you lot from Kalgoorlie," the cop says.

"Two miles down the road you were going to say to your buddy,

'I wish that asshole had tried that shit with me.'"

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying

and he called his grandson to his bed and told him:

"Grandson I wanta you to listen to me.

I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me".

The grandson replies: "But grandpa I really don't like guns,

how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead"

.The don, angry, answers: "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness,

you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money,

a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino,

some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man.

Whata you gonna do then?

Pointa to your watch and “TIME THEM"?

Man robs a bank and takes hostages.

He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, yes.

The robber shoots him dead.

He asks the second hostage if he too saw him rob
the bank.
The second hostage says, yes, and the robber
shoots him dead.

The robber goes up to the third hostage and asks him if he saw him rob the bank.

The third hostage answers, “No, but my wife did.”