THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE SEXY....BUT ISN'T

HEAD NURSE

RETIREMENT ISLAND

I'm thinking of buying a place on retirement island, it looks sooooo ...relaxing
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DON'T LET THE KIDS IN THE BEDROOM

QUESTIONS WOMEN ASK

QUICK CHANGE ARTIST

NOT THE BEST SIGHTS ON THE BEACH...

BIRD ON MY BONNET

I was driving down the road the other day, when quite unexpectedly a bird landed on my bonnet. I am hoping that one of you can help me, with some ideas how to get the cute little thing off, as she has been there for two weeks now.

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CHUNKY BABY

JOKES OF THE DAY

One day a homo dentist goes to another homo dentist to get some
dental work.
The tooth fairy says to the other one sitting in the chair: "You know, you have the whitest teeth I've ever come across."

Two poofs were sitting in a pub discussing how they gave up smoking.
"Whenever I got the urge", said one, "I used to suck on a lifesaver."
"That's alright for you", said his mate, "you live right next to the beach."

Two perfect strangers were talking to each other in the pub. One of them said, "If you were to wake up in the woods with vaseline smeared all over your arse, would you tell anyone?" The other one said, "Of course not!"
The first bloke said, "Oh, then would you like to go camping?"

A young man went up to his father and asked him, "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?" His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"

Two faggots were on the beach, one says to the other, "shall I put the umbrella up?" The other one replies, "yes but don't open it!"

THAT'S WHERE HE WAS HIDING...

WE HAVE FOUND HITLER
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IQ QUESTION ?

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a hammer, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before viewing the answer...

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* He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a hammer." *

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.

ANOTHER REASON WHY I DON'T VISIT MY NAN AND POP

BBC VIDEO WHAT WAS SAID

IT WAS SIMPLY A FRENCH GREETING

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

THE SPANISH COMPUTER

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

RUNNING OF THE BULLS

IT HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED THAT THIS YEARS RUNNING OF THE BULLS WILL BE FOLLOWED BY A NEW FESTIVAL.....

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THE BURYING OF THE IDIOTS

BECKHAMS RESIGNATION

THEO'S WORLD CUP DIARY

England Football Tour By Theo Walcott Esq. aged 8 1/2

I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown up's. It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does live there, and the grown up's say I cant talk about the bad man as it will make Uncle Owen cry if I do.

In Germany there are lots of castles and some mountains. We are staying in a place called Baden Baden that's a silly name, Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that's silly too, his mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time.

On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.

Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol say's uncle David wears dresses and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me some pop.

In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my granddad says we beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time ago. While the grown up's went to play football I went shopping with Auntie Vicky and some other girls she bought me a big ice cream and got herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play with Brooklyn. She say's she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of her songs, I think she was telling fibs.

I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Vicky and he sulked, then he bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundred's & thousands on it. All the other grown up's have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy, that's why I got taken on holiday.

The grown up's went to play Football against somebody called Sweden, Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk to him. Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books, he is rubbish at football though.

Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of our holiday but it got better so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not like it. He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while we are here, they are too tight for me.

All the grown up's started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood on somebody's spuds. He got shouted at by the referee. They are all saying that we have to go home now. Uncle Sol was crying again and I had to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his pocket, I think.

GREATEST NIKE AD EVER

Thanks to http://evild.blogspot.com/

WELLNESS PROGRAM FOR MEN

Wellness Program
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>New exercise routine. If you're over 40,
you might want to take it easy at
>first, then do it faster as you become
more proficient. It may be too
>strenuous for some.
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>Always consult your doctor before starting
any exercise program!
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>SCROLL DOWN...
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>NOW SCROLL UP.. .
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>That's enough for the first day.
Great job.
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>Have a Beer.

NAKED SINGERS

We never had female singers like this in my day.....

Or did we?
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TODAYS JOKES

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.
"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"

A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again. Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen ..."

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.
They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.
The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast.
"Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally,
"I snore while He masturbates."

WHAT DOES AMERICAN PIE MEAN??

"American Pie" By Don McLean

The entire song is a tribute to Buddy Holly and a commentary on how rock and roll music changed in the years since his death. McLean is lamenting the lack of "danceable" good time party music in rock and roll and (in part) attributing that lack to the absence of Buddy Holly et. al.

(Verse 1)

A long, long time ago...

"American Pie" reached #1 in the U.S. in 1972; the album containing it was released in 1971. Buddy Holly died in 1959.

I can still remember how That music used to make me smile. And I knew if I had my chance, That I could make those people dance, And maybe they'd be happy for a while.

One of early rock and roll's functions was to provide dance music for various social events. McLean recalls his desire to become a musician playing that sort of music.

But February made me shiver,

Buddy Holly died on February 3, 1959 in a plane crash in Iowa during a snowstorm.

With every paper I'd deliver,

Don McLean's only job before becoming a full-time singer-songwriter was being a paperboy.

Bad news on the doorstep... I couldn't take one more step. I can't remember if I cried When I read about his widowed bride

Holly's recent bride was pregnant when the crash took place; she had a miscarriage shortly afterward.

But something touched me deep inside, The day the music died.

The same plane crash that killed Buddy Holly also took the lives of Richie Valens ("La Bamba") and The Big Bopper ("Chantilly Lace"). Since all three were so prominent at the time, February 3, 1959 became known as "The Day The Music Died".

So...

(Refrain) Bye bye Miss American Pie,

Don McLean dated a Miss America candidate during the pageant.

Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry Them good ol' boys were drinkin whiskey and rye Singing "This'll be the day that I die, This'll be the day that I die."

One of Holly's hits was "That'll be the Day"; the chorus contains the line "That'll be the day that I die".

(Verse 2)

Did you write the book of love,

"The Book of Love" by the Monotones was a hit in 1958.

And do you have faith in God above, If the Bible tells you so?

There's also an old Sunday School song which goes: "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so"

Now do you believe in rock 'n roll?

The Lovin' Spoonful had a hit in 1965 with John Sebastian's "Do you Believe in Magic?". The song has the lines: "Do you believe in magic" and "It's like trying to tell a stranger 'bout rock and roll."

Can music save your mortal soul? And can you teach me how to dance real slow?

Dancing slow was an important part of early rock and roll dance events -- but declined in importance through the 60's as things like psychedelia and the 10-minute guitar solo gained prominence.

Well I know you're in love with him 'Cause I saw you dancing in the gym

Back then, dancing was an expression of love, and carried a connotation of committment. Dance partners were not so readily exchanged as they would be later.

You both kicked off your shoes

A reference to the beloved "sock hop". (Street shoes tear up wooden basketball floors, so dancers had to take off their shoes.)

Man, I dig those rhythm 'n' blues

Some history. Before the popularity of rock and roll, music, like much else in the U. S., was highly segregated. The popular music of black performers for largely black audiences was called, first, "race music," later rhythm and blues. In the early 50s, as they were exposed to it through radio personalities such as Allan Freed, white teenagers began listening, too. Starting around 1954, a number of songs from the rhythm and blues charts began appearing on the overall popular charts as well, but usually in cover versions by established white artists, (e. g. "Shake Rattle and Roll", Joe Turner, covered by Bill Haley; "Sh-Boom", the Chords, covered by the Crew-Cuts; "Sincerely", the Moonglows, covered by the Mc Guire Sisters; Tweedle Dee, LaVerne Baker, covered by Georgia Gibbs). By 1955, some of the rhythm and blues artists, like Fats Domino and Little Richard were able to get records on the overall pop charts. In 1956 Sun records added elements of country and western to produce the kind of rock and roll tradition that produced Buddy Holly.

I was a lonely teenage broncin' buck With a pink carnation and a pickup truck

"A White Sport Coat (And a Pink Carnation)", was a hit for Marty Robbins in 1957. The pickup truck has endured as a symbol of sexual independence and potency, especially in a Texas context.

But I knew that I was out of luck The day the music died I started singing...

Refrain

(Verse 3)

Now for ten years we've been on our own

McLean was writing this song in the late 60's, about ten years after the crash.

And moss grows fat on a rolling stone

Rolling Stone Magazine

But that's not how it used to be When the jester sang for the King and Queen

The jester is Bob Dylan, as will become clear later. Elvis Presley is the king, which seems pretty obvious. The queen COULD be either Connie Francis, Little Richard, or someone else.

In a coat he borrowed from James Dean

In the movie "Rebel Without a Cause", James Dean has a red windbreaker that holds symbolic meaning throughout the film. In one particularly intense scene, Dean lends his coat to a guy who is shot and killed; Dean's father arrives, sees the coat on the dead man, thinks it's Dean, and loses it. On the cover of The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan, Dylan is wearing just such as red windbreaker, and is posed in a street scene similar to one shown in a well-known picture of James Dean.

And a voice that came from you and me

Bob Dylan's roots are in American folk music, with people like Pete Seeger and Woody Guthrie. Folk music is by definition the music of the masses, hence the "...came from you and me".

Oh, and while the King was looking down The jester stole his thorny crown

A reference to Elvis's decline and Dylan's ascendance. (i.e. Presley is looking down from a height as Dylan takes his place.) The thorny crown a reference to the price of fame. Dylan has said that he wanted to be as famous as Elvis, one of his early idols.

The courtroom was adjourned, No verdict was returned.

The trial of the Chicago Seven.

And while Lennon read a book on Marx,

Literally, John Lennon reading about Karl Marx; figuratively, the introduction of radical politics into the music of the Beatles. The "Marx-Lennon" wordplay has also been used by others, most notably the Firesign Theatre on the cover of their album How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All?

The quartet practiced in the park

The Beatles.

And we sang dirges in the dark

A reference to some of the new "art rock" groups which played long pieces not meant for dancing OR a reference to The Door's song "Light My Fire" which said "... a funeral pyer..." in one line.

The day the music died. We were singing...

Refrain

(Verse 4)

Helter Skelter in a summer swelter

"Helter Skelter" is a Beatles song which appears on the White album. Charles Manson, claiming to have been "inspired" by the song (through which he thought God and/or the devil were taking to him) led his followers in the Tate-LaBianca murders. "Summer swelter" a reference to the "long hot summer" of Watts.

The birds flew off with the fallout shelter Eight miles high and falling fast

The Byrd's "Eight Miles High" was on their late 1966 release "Fifth Dimension." It was one of the first records to be widely banned because of supposedly drug-oriented lyrics.

It landed foul on the grass

One of the Byrds was busted for possesion of marijuana.

The players tried for a forward pass

Obviously a football metaphor about the Rolling Stones, i.e. they were waiting for an opening which really didn't happen until the Beatles broke up.

With the jester on the sidelines in a cast

On July 29, 1966, Dylan crashed his Triumph motorcycle while riding near his home in Woodstock, New York. He spent nine months in seclusion while recuperating from the accident.

Now the halftime air was sweet perfume

This line and the next few refer to the 1968 Democratic National Convention. The "sweet perfume" is tear gas.

While sergeants played a marching tune

The Beatles' "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" music in general as "marching" because it's not music for dancing. But music with a message to which we march.

We all got up to dance Oh, but we never got the chance

The Beatles' 1966 Candlestick Park concert only lasted 35 minutes and there wasn't any music to dance to OR due to the break-up of The Beatles.

'Cause the players tried to take the field, The marching band refused to yield.

A reference to the dominance of the Beatles on the rock and roll scene. For instance, the Beach Boys released "Pet Sounds" in 1966 -- an album which featured some of the same sort of studio and electronic experimentation as "Sgt. Pepper" (1967) -- but the album sold poorly. It's a comment about how the dominance of the Beatles in the rock world led to more "pop art" music, leading in turn to a dearth of traditional rock and roll.

Do you recall what was revealed, The day the music died? We started singing

Refrain

(Verse 5)

And there we were all in one place

Woodstock.

A generation lost in space

A reference to the "famous" (and horrible) 60s TV "Lost In Space."

With no time left to start again

The "lost generation" spent too much time being stoned, and had wasted their lives.

So come on Jack be nimble Jack be quick

A reference to Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones; "Jumpin' Jack Flash" was released in May, 1968.

Jack Flash sat on a candlestick

The Stones' Candlestick park concert.

'Cause fire is the devil's only friend

The Stones song "Sympathy for the Devil."

And as I watched him on the stage My hands were clenched in fists of rage No angel born in hell Could break that satan's spell

While playing a concert at the Altamont Speedway in 1969, the Stones appointed members of the Hell's Angels to work security. In the darkness near the front of the stage, a young man named Meredith Hunter was beaten and stabbed to death -- by the Angels. Public outcry that the song "Sympathy for the Devil" had somehow incited the violence caused the Stones to drop the song from their show for the next six years.

And as the flames climbed high into the night To light the sacrificial rite

About Altamont, and in particular Mick Jagger's prancing and posing while it was happening. The sacrifice is Meredith Hunter, and the bonfires around the area provide the flames.

I saw satan laughing with delight

Satan would be Jagger.

The day the music died He was singing...

Refrain

(Verse 6)

I met a girl who sang the blues

Janis Joplin.

And I asked her for some happy news But she just smiled and turned away

Janis died of an accidental heroin overdose on October 4, 1970.

I went down to the sacred store Where I'd heard the music years before

The "sacred store" was Bill Graham's Fillmore West, one of the great rock and roll venues of all time.

But the man there said the music wouldn't play

Nobody is interested in hearing Buddy Holly et.al.'s music.

And in the streets the children screamed

"Flower children" being beaten by police and National Guard troops; in particular, perhaps, the People's Park riots in Berkeley in 1969 and 1970.

The lovers cried and the poets dreamed

The trend towards psychedelic music in the 60's.

But not a word was spoken, The church bells all were broken

The broken bells are the dead musicians: neither can produce any more music.

And the three men I admire most The Father Son and Holy Ghost

Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper, and Richie Valens.

They caught the last train for the coast

A way of saying that they had left the scene (or died -- "went west" as a synonym for dying).

The day the music died And they were singing...

Refrain (2x)

GARY NEVILLES DIARY

Gary Neville's (Made-Up) World Cup Diary
How exactly did The Neviller hurt his thigh? Why didn't he follow Sir's instructions to stop Wayne playing? We take a gander at the totally-made-up diaries of England's next captain (or so he thinks). It's all here...
Monday June 5
Gary Neville's England team arrived in Baden-Baden-Baden today and I looked very, very handsome in my suit (mum said) and definitely had the bestest moustache. I brought my guitar which I have been learning for three weeks and I can play all of Elton John's best songs, including 'I Guess That's Why They Call Us The Reds' and 'The Bitch Is Back', which I save for David's 'wife'. I asked David if he would sing 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' with me, but we argued about who would be Elton. We can't both be Kiki.
I am ringing Sir every hour with updates on Wayne. Thirty-seven minutes ago he ate four bratwursts.

Tuesday June 6
I have made an official complaint to the hotel manager about the pillows (too square). And the soap (not square enough). And the Bible (doesn't mention Sir). And the hand rail next to the bath (just don't like it). I have told Sven that I will go on strike if these things are not rectified and everyone knows right-back is the most important position on the whole pitch. Even in these silly summer warm-up tournaments before the serious business with the best club in the whole wide world ever begins in August. I can't wait.
Passed Frank Lamppost (hah) in the corridor - he'd been stood there an hour trying to get his key in the door.

Friday June 9
Rung Sir and told him Wayne has been kissing Coleen. Eurgh. Everyone knows girls smell. And he wasn't even wearing red! Sir said I must tell Wayne to get his priorities right, and I did. The banter is brlliant in Baden-Baden-Baden because Wayne told me to go "f*** yourself you snotty little c***". He's my favourite Scouser.
Mum says she won't fly out and bring my favourite pillow (boo). I protested the decision - but it doesn't work so well on the phone. I cried tonight because I miss her bedtime stories, especially when she reads Managing My Life and does Sir's voice.
I've asked David if he wants Gary Neville to do a rousing speech tomorrow. I brushed my moustache (a big job) in preparation and wrote something - 'I remember when rock was young - me and Susie had so much fun...' - but he said no. I like his hair now though.
Played pool with Frank. 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0 - I went to kiss my badge and do a sex action but I didn't have a badge because I wasn't wearing my jim-jams.

Saturday June 10
Gary Neville's England won and David was fantastic. But not as fantastic as me. I'm definitely the best right-back at this whole World Cup. Every manager must look at me and wish I was in their team. I expect Sir will have a lot of calls from people offering £10m or even £20m for me, but I will never leave the best team in the whole wide world ever ever.
As well as David, Rio was brilliant and I think he should have been man of the match. Instead it went to Frank and he wasted the champagne because he kept missing his mouth.
Gave Theo a Chinese burn after the game because Silly Billy Philly's not here.

Tuesday June 13
I cried today because everyone says I look like French frog Franck Ribery. But he's ugly and he doesn't even have a proper moustache.

Wednesday June 14
Sven says I can't play tomorrow because I've hurt my thigh. I didn't tell him I hurt it practising 'Rocket Man' with actions. The lads love my guitar-playing and say I should learn more songs. I had a special request for 'Touch My Bum' by the Cheeky Girls. I might do it in my jim-jams.

Thursday June 15
England were absolutely rubbish without Gary Neville, with that dirty Scouser Jamie Carragher (doesn't even have a 'tache) playing at right-back as if anyone can play there. It seems that Sven ignored my 3-5-2 formation suggestion to get round that 'who can replace Gary Neville at right-back?' question. David then played at right-back though and he was the second-best right-back I've ever, ever seen.
Sir told me to try and stop Wayne coming on, but he's bigger than me and threatened to knot the toggles of my jim-jams together while I was asleep.

Saturday June 17
The rest of the boys went to see their WAGs (like wagging tails on dogs, geddit?) so I did my Man United jigsaw while wearing my Man United kit. I gathered quite a crowd in the lobby - I'm definitely everybody's favourite England player.

Tuesday June 20
Sat on the bench again (boo) but at least Rio and Wayne came to sit with me in the second half, though Wayne was a little bit angry even when I offered him a bite of my Curly-Wurly. England were rubbish, especially Carragher, and only David and Rio were good at defending set-pieces. The whole defence falls apart without Gary Neville...it's like having only one Krankie.
Michael hurt his knee. That's what you get for being Scouse.

Friday June 23
Back in training today. Told Sven that I'm ready to play against Equatorial New Guinea - up front if he needs me - but he says I should save myself. He knows he has a precious stone. Sir's not answering my calls anymore - he must have lost his phone. Can't wait to get back and give him his Baden-Baden-Baden tea-towel. And doilie.
Watched Frank take out three windows, four cars and one assistant coach (silly Tord) with his shooting practise.

Sunday June 25
This time the silly moose with the funny hair played at right-back! I'm so angry I could go on strike. He was rubbish and England were all rubbish apart from Rio and David and Wayne, who were brilliant. But thankfully for them Gary Neville will be back for the next game. I expect the papers back home have had prayer mats with pictures of my thigh for the England fans - some of which aren't even Man United fans despite the fact that we've won every Premiership title (nearly). Silly, silly monkeys.

Tuesday, June 27
I think I have the best moustache in Germany. Maybe not the bushiest right now (I've been stressed) but definitely the bestest.

Friday June 30
Played 'Touch My Bum' to a very excited audience tonight - not just the players, but the staff of the hotel, who all brought their friends. Everyone was smiling. If England are as successful tomorrow against Portugal it will all be over by half-time.
Must remember to ring mum and get her to tape the game - I always look so handsome when they play that song. I still don't know why they don't play 'Come on You Reds' or at least something by Simply Red. I shall ask that man Brian again.

Saturday July 1
It's not fair. It's just not fair. It's really, really, really not fair. How can they blame poor Cristiano when it was clearly that nasty Chelsea man who put his winkle in the way of poor Wayne's foot to get him sent off. I said some harsh words, I can tell you. Hope he didn't hear them.
David hurt himself and I was the captain - it nearly made me do a sex wee putting on that band that had been round David's strong arm. I was brilliant as captain. It's because I was captain that I didn't think I should take a penalty. Rio said it was because I was a scaredy-cat but it was really because I was being the captain. It's a shame because I would have scored the 11th one.
Of course, no Man United players missed penalties - just two dirty Scousers and Frank, who had taken an hour to hit his boot with his foot before the game.
The good news is that Wayne and Rio and me will be well rested for the real football.

Sunday July 2
I cried when David cried. I shall be captain now though. I shall need a bigger moustache. And some new jim-jams with a star like a sheriff. Bang bang.

Thanks to:
www.football365.com/features/fun_features/story_188147.shtml

RICKY INTERVIEWS CROUCH AND ROONEY

WORLD'S HIGHEST FALL

On January 26, 1972, a 22-year-old flight attendant named Vesna Vulovic was not where she was supposed to be. She was cruising at 33,330 feet above Czechoslovakia (now Czech Republic) in a DC-9 airplane, but her schedule had been mixed up with that of another stewardess named Vesna, and she was subsequently placed on the wrong flight. But Vesna was happy for the mistake; it afforded her the opportunity to see Denmark, and to stay in a Sheraton Hotel, which she had always dreamed of doing. But the mix up was not so fortuitous as it seemed.

A terrorist group known as Ustashe had placed a powerful explosive on this particular plane. The Ustache was a far-right nazi/fascist group in Croatia which was implicated in over two dozen terrorist attacks against Yugoslavia after World War 2. Vesna's flight, JAT Yugoslav Flight 364, was with an airline based in Yugoslavia.

While passing over the city of Srbska-Kamenice, the explosive device detonated. The DC-9 was torn into pieces, and the plane's wreckage, along with its 28 passengers, fell through the sky for three long minutes before striking a frozen mountainside.

A German man, upon arriving at the crash site, found all of the plane's passengers dead, save one. Vesna was lying half outside of the plane, with another crew member's body on top of her, and a serving cart pinned against her spine. The man had been a medic in the second world war, and did what he could for her until further help arrived.

At the hospital, her parents were told that although there was still life in her body, she would not survive. Her skull was broken and hemorrhaging, both of her legs were broken, and she had three crushed vertebrae. But three days later, she awoke from her coma, and asked for a cigarette.

Vesna was paralyzed from the waist down, but she was alive and conscious. Two weeks after the accident, her doctor told her what had happened, and gave her a newspaper to read the story, but the memory of this event would escape her, as did everything from one hour before the accident to one month after, due to amnesia. Later, she underwent surgery that restored movement to her left leg, and a month after that, she regained movement in her right leg. Eventually, she was able to walk again.

By the following September, she was eager to go back to work, but to avoid publicity, the airline gave her a desk job. She never suffered any psychological trauma as a result of the incident, and never experienced any fear of flying. She is still alive today, and flies with some regularity. She has a positive philosophy on life, stating, "I believe we are masters of our lives - we hold all the cards and it is up to us to use them right."

Her good fortune in surviving the accident is most likely due to her low blood pressure, which caused her to pass out quickly and prevented her heart from bursting. But despite her positive outlook on life, Vesna does not consider herself lucky. Thirty years after the crash, she said to Philip Baum in an interview, "I'm not lucky. Everybody thinks I am lucky, but they are mistaken. If I were lucky I would never had this accident and my mother and father would be alive. The accident ruined their lives too." It's a valid point, along the same lines as arguing that the event wasn't a "miracle," given that there were 27 people who didn't survive. The assertion that "it could be worse" is small comfort to the pragmatic, because certainly, it could also be much better.

Vesna currently holds the Guinness World Record for the highest fall survived without a parachute, at 33,330 feet.

ART ILLUSION

WHAT'S FOR LUNCH???

SUBBUTEO CROUCH

LOOKS LIKE WAYNE AGAIN

PLACES YOU DON'T WANT TO GO...

WORLD'S WEIRDEST STORIES

"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues."
"However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths. It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The enquiry is now closed."

From the Sydney Morning Herald comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car into a shopping centre only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband standing idly by.
The mechanic however had to have three stitches in his head

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprights the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.
After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped . The stretcher dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

HOW TO SING THE BLUES

HOW TO SING THE BLUES
If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get train.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues.
Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. The Mall
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Blues Name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

TODAYS JOKES

A man is in a garden, when a ladder comes down from the heavens. He hears an unearthly voice saying : "Climb the ladder to success". So he goes up, and after a while, there's a really ugly woman on a landing on the side of the ladder. She says to him: "Fuck me or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but decides he rather have success.
He goes up, and sees two quite nice women sitting on a landing on the side. "Fuck us or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but decides it’s not worth it.
He goes up again, and there are three really beautiful women on the next landing. "Fuck us or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but realises that the women are getting much more beautiful, younger, and are increasing in number as he climbs the ladder. So he climbs the ladder, and reaches the top.

There’s a young man sitting there. "Hi, I'm Cess."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain."
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain," she says.
The blonde leans over and tastes the spot, then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building."

A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed."

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity.
Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's pecker.
Angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car.
Driving behind the car is a fella in a pick up truck with his 10 year old daughter chatting
away beside him. All of the sudden, the pecker smacks the pick up in the windshield and flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his 10-year-old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says,
"Sure had a big dick!"

NEW ENGLISH LANGUAGE

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

SLAVES FOR SALE

Absolute proof that eBay really is the world's marketplace comes with the revelation that the online auction site has branched out into the African slave trade.

This outrage was discovered by a Google Group member who typed "African Slave" into Google, and was shocked to find this irresistable offer:

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?????

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