Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
EINSTEIN OR MONROE
If you think this looks like Albert Einstein, just close your eyes a little and it will look like Marilyn Monroe.
BRILLIANT NOSTALGIA SITE
Welcome to Your Childhood -
Saturday, January 19, 2008
ONE LINERS
There is a new pussy wash for women, it's made of marijuana, antiperspirant and Kentucky Fried Chicken - it leaves your fanny high, dry and finger lickin good.
I see
Two asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry pwder by mistake.
Both are in intensive care. one has a dodgy tikka, the other is in a korma
Steve McClaren is going to the England Christmas party dressed as a pumpkin, he's hoping someone can turn him into a fucking coach!
Woman goes into a DIY store and buys a wall mirror. The assistant asks do you want to screw for that? The woman says no, but I will suck your cock for a lawnmower!
I phoned the Islamic Samaritans today.
When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.
A Genie gave me a wish.
I could either have a perfect memory or a huge penis.
I can't seem to remember my decision.
News just in. the NHS are now paying 60 pounds for sperm donations... which means the old towel under my bed is worth a few grand.
What do you call two gay pakis?
Ramit and Jamit
At the age of six I was left an orphan.
What kind of idiot gives an orphan to a six-year-old?
A lorry has just overturned on the M6 loaded with Vicks Vapour rub.
Police have said there will be no congestion for eight hours.
Do you think Velcro..is a rip off.
A woman goes to the doctors complaining that every time she takes her bra off a black mans head pops out from between her breasts, sticks its tongue out and pulls stupid faces.
"I know what the problem is" says the doctor, "you've got sillycoon implants."
What goes in and out and stinks of piss?
Your granny doing the hokey cokey.
A little boy asks, "Dad, what'll happen when my tortoise Toby dies?"
"Don't worry son, when Toby dies, we'll have a big party out the back and we'll have all the kids in the street round for burgers and ice cream and games"
"Can we kill him now, dad?"
What is the collective term for 4 Cows and a Blackbird?
The Spice Girls
STRANGERS ON MY FLIGHT..
Strangers on my flight,
turbans they're packin'.
Wonderin' if they might,
plan a hijacking.
They could pull a stunt,
before this flight is through.
Something's on their minds.
I saw them mutter.
What that in their hands?
Looks like box cutters,
I'm gonna kick some ass,
if they make a move.
Strangers on my flight.
Two smelly people,
and they're not talking right;
and in a moment,
I will grab base ball bat;
and that will be that.
Swing like Joe DiMaggio,
and rip them both a new a-hole.
And if they pick a fight,
and try to screw us,
I'll punch out their lights,
just like Joe Louis.
It would feel so right,
for strangers on my flight.
Ratta Tat Tat Tat,
Budda Bing Bang Boom,
Zooma Zooma Zoom.
Send those bastards to the moon....
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
REDUCE DRIVING ACCIDENTS
The
Safety Council has done
extensive testing on a newly
designed seat belt. Results
show that accidents can be
reduced by as much as 45%
when the belt is properly
installed. Correct installation
is illustrated below.......
Monday, January 07, 2008
12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH
A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.
The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
The guy takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender: "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"
Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. The guy takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the guy knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch.
Again, same reaction from the rude guy.
Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.
All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: "Shay mishter, tashte this!"
The guy obliges...he promptly spits it out. "It tastes like fuckin piss," he shoots back at the drunk.
The drunk replies: I know what it is, what I want you to tell me is....How old am I?"
Thursday, December 20, 2007
DON'T SHOOT AND DRIVE
| DRIVERS WHO SHOOT AT PEOPLE FROM BEHIND THE WHEEL COULD FACE JAIL |  |  |
CARELESS drivers who take potshots at fellow motorists while trying to change gear could face up to three months in prison.
The government is to review current penalties for a range of driving offences including high-speed gun play and reading a book while approaching a roundabout.Actor Jean Reno was fined £60 for this piece of nonsense on the A36 near Warminster
At the moment both carry three penalty points and a £60 fine, but police are calling for stronger deterrents to prevent drivers from shooting-up their local dual carriageway.
Superintendent Bill McKay said: "You cannot possibly change gear or use your indicators and lean out of the window in an attempt to shoot out the tyres of the car in front of you.
"And driving an automatic is no excuse. You may not have to change gear but that doesn't mean you can settle back with a copy of Captain Corelli's Mandolin and a packet of Revels."
Supt McKay added: "If you do want to read or shoot at people, either pull over in a safe place or wait until you get to your destination.
"Or you could invest in a few talking books. My wife and I are currently enjoying The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail read by David Jason.
"As a matter of fact, we're planning a trip to Renne Le Chateau next year, where I intend to shoot at French people from the safety of a lay-by."
OLD SAILORS STORY
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads to the docks once more for old times' sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, " How am I doing "?
The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about 3 knots".
Three knots he asks, "What's that suppose to mean ?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back !"
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
SPEND, SPEND, SPEND
| ENGLAND PLAYERS VOW TO SPEND THEIR WAY OUT OF DEPRESSION | | |
DAVID Beckham is to buy himself a Bugatti Veyron, a diamond covered horse and the nation of Equitorial Guinea in a bid to ease the pain of England's Euro 2008 failure.
Beckham said the England squad was hurting and confused, to the extent that many could not remember which of their homes they were supposed to go to after the game.Casa de Lampard is awash with tears
"It was a poor performance. The only explanation I can think of is that maybe we're not paid enough," he said.
Scott Carson, the rookie goalkeeper blamed for England's shock exit, said it was only the thought of his indoor heated swimming pool, sauna and fitness room which kept him going.
He said: "If it wasn't for the Fabergé quad bike, the Maserati jet ski and the Patek Phillipe sandwich toaster, I think I'd have slit my wrists in my sunken bath and its eight whirlpool massage jets."
Stephen Gerrard said the pain of defeat was so intense he had to be carried from the dressing room to his Aston Martin in a sedan chair.
He said: "I don't know if buying a third Jacobean mansion and filling it with solid gold eggs will help, but for God's sake I've got to try."
Rio Ferdinand said he would cheer himself up by paying Paul Gascoigne £1 million to recreate his 1996 wonder goal against Scotland in his back garden 'over and over again'.
Reg Hollis, 53, a lifelong England fan, said he could appreciate that the football stars were hurting but thought they might get over it. "I'm hurting too," he said. "And I'm absolutely fucking skint."
Monday, November 19, 2007
TEST FOR DEMENTIA
Test for Dementia
Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately, OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
First Question:
you are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?
Did you get 5000 ?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right...
Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.. Like you!
KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE
Friday, November 16, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
QUICK JOKES
Paul McCartney bought his missus a plane the other day, so she can shave the other leg.
Sales of condoms in
Paddy weighs 20stone, so his doctor puts him on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks , you should lose 5 pounds.
When Paddy returned he shocked the doctor by having lost 4 stone.
That's amazing the doc said.
Paddy nodded..... "I'll tell you bejesus I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day.
" What from hunger?” said the doc
No, says Paddy, from all the fukkin skippin.
I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed in front of a steam train.
Then he was chuffed to bits.
What does the average paki weigh? Midget gems and cola cubes.
A man goes in to a doctors and says I’m having problems wanking when I have finished I always sing glory glory man united and the doctor says yes a lot of Wankers sing that!
An Aboriginal woman goes to have an abortion and a week later receives a cheque for $300.She rings up to query it and was told it was an award from 'Crimestoppers'
A jelly baby went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor said, "You've got a sexually transmitted disease."
"Is that all" responded the jelly baby.
"You don't sound very surprised" added the doctor.
"I'm not" said the jelly baby, "I've been sleeping with allsorts."
How do you know if your girlfriend is too young for you?
You have to make aeroplane noises to get your cock in her mouth.
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic, if you ask me. I mean a ginger kid, with two friends?
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