NOT ALL WEDDINGS ARE MADE IN HEAVEN

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BOB'S QUIZ

World's Easiest Quiz?

>>> Passing requires only 4 correct answers.... a measly 40%.
>>> 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

>>> 2) Which country makes Panama hats?

>>> 3) From which animal do we get catgut?

>>> 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October
Revolution?

>>> 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

>>> 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific is named after
what animal?

>>> 7) What was King George VI's first name?

>>> 8) What color is a purple finch?

>>> 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

>>> 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial
airplane?


>>> All done? Check your answers below! Scroll Down

>>>

>>>
>>> ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> 1) 116 years

>>> 2) Ecuador

>>> 3) Sheep and Horses
>>>
4) November
>>>
>>> 5) Squirrel fur

>>> 6) Dogs

>>> 7) Albert

>>> 8) Crimson

>>> 9) New Zealand

>>> 10) Orange, of course..

>>> What do you mean you failed???????

HERE'S BOB WITH NELSON

BECKHAMS NEW BABY

RONALDINHO'S NEW BOOTS

There is an ad where Ronaldinho tries his new Nike boots and in the middle of the practice he shoots at the bar during training.Ronaldinho hits the bar 4 times in a row....from a new Nike commercial...simply amazing!

CLICK ON HERE
golden boots

JOKES OF THE DAY 19/04

Marge was getting pretty upset about her husband's lack of attention and decided to come on a little stronger to him. After dinner, she put on her sexy, backless nightgown backward and sauntered into the living room. "Notice anything?" she asked slyly. "Yes, you've got your nightgown on backward," her husband answered simply. "How could you tell?" she cooed. "Because the shit stains are in the front,"

A lady went to her doctor for a check-up. when asked how she got the bruises on the outside of her thighs, she explained that she got them from having sex. The doctor then told her she would have to change positions until the bruises healed. She replied "Oh doctor, I can't... my dog's breath is awful!"

An old woman goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I have this terrible discharge." The doctor answers, "Take your panties off." So she does, he has a rummage around and says, "How does that feel?" she answers, "Wonderful, but I came for my ears!"

A woman walks into a doctor's surgery:- "Doctor, please help I've got a terrible pain in my fanny."
the doctor says let’s have a look, so she drops her knickers. Doc:- "My God, your fanny is destroyed, it's ripped to shreads, what the hell happened to you?" Woman:- "I've been raped by an elephant" Doc:- "Hold on a minute, even though an elephant is many times bigger than a human, It's cock is only a few inches bigger than a well endowed man! It couldn't possibly do this much damage!"
Woman- "Yeh, but he fingered me first!!"

SOME HONEY'S FOR THE BOYS

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A FEW HUNKS FOR THE LADIES

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PHONES FOR SALE

Hi all,
Could you do me a favour and see if anyone you know is interested?
I'm selling 2 mobiles that I'm not using anymore, if anyone is interested:
Nokia with camera (4.1 mega pixels).
Nokia with camera and vibrating alert.
Have a look at the pics, for the models

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SWEDISH STAG NIGHT

Check out the picture (nothing unusual).

Now read this:

In Sweden it is a bit of a custom for the groom to be kidnapped and whisked off somewhere for his stag night, which usually lasts all day and all night rather than the typical British stag night where you all arrange it beforehand go out get drunk and hire a stripper.

The Swedes do it different.. The groom has no idea until he gets nabbed.. He might be dressed up in something crazy… and go do something funny…and then the fun starts!

This particular guy is a keen sailor and when he was kidnapped for his stag night they pasted a false “skippers-beard” on him and put him at the helm of a 60 foot yacht and let him be skipper for the day…

Much beer and fine food was consumed. But nothing… nasty happened to him at all… In the evening when they got back on land and were getting cleaned up for the night club… they all had a sauna as is customary in Sweden….

Imagine the grooms horror when he walked into the sauna where his naked buddies were waiting for him and then to notice that best mate number one had no pubic hair …

neither did friend two …

nor three …

or four…

Now check out the false beard again………..

TOILET HUMOUR

TEE SHIRT IDEAS

JOKES OF THE DAY 10/04

Bill and Alice decided that the only way they could manage a little romance with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments passed. “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out, “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Smiths are in the bedroom having a fuck.”
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father yelled.
“Because Tommy Smith is standing out on the balcony too!”

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still!"
If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked.
“I’m on your shoulder” the voice replied.
"Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the fuck, were you when I got married?"

WHAT A CRAP HAIRCUT LOOKS LIKE.....

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MARRIAGE

After 5 years of heated debate, the Commission of Human Rights has approved the new International Symbol of Marriage:
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BECAUSE I AM A MAN

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. Calling a breakdown service is not an option….. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function)

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always sex, cars or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.

LOOKING FOR SOMEWHERE TO PARK YOUR BIKE ????

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MY DADS JOKES (NORTYGORDY SENIOR)

MY DADS JOKES.... YOU HAD BETTER LAUGH BECAUSE THERE'S A PICTURE OF HIM BELOW!!

Gene Pitney died last week,his family asked the undertaker to make him an oak coffin. The undertaker said it would take two weeks to make in oak, but he could make one in twenty four hours from balsa.

A man went in to a works canteen and the woman asked him what would you like, he said just a sandwich,she said what would you like on your sausage, he said plenty of lipstick please.

A man knocked a prostitute a down with his car.When he asked was she 0K she was yelling she had gone blind. When the police came he explained what had happend but he wasn't sure she was blind maybe she wanted to it look worse than it was. The policeman said I will check, he held three fingers up and asked her how many fingers have I got up, she shouted my god I'm paralysed as well.

A lot of people do not know that President Mugabe is in fact a Yorkshireman if you spell his name in reverse it is EBAGUM

A man was at the checkout in the supermarket,he had one egg,one sausage,one tomatoe and one mushroom.The checkout girl said I bet you live on your own,he said your absolutley right,how did you know that, She said because your an ugly bastard.

BENNY HILL'S ERNIE (LIKE YOU'VE NEVER HEARD IT BEFORE)

ERNIE

You could hear his knackers pound, as he raced across the ground
And the clatter of his prick, as it swung round and round
As he galloped into Market Street, he had no coat or vest
His name was Ernie, and he had the biggest chopper in the west

Now Ernie fucked a widow, a lady known as Sue,
She said she’d like to try it, he said "I’ll bet you do!"
They said he was too big for her, for she was so small and trim,
But Ernie thrust his chopper, up her dripping little quim.

His name was Ernie, and he had the biggest chopper in the west!

Now Ernie had a rival, an evil fucking man,
Called One-Ball-Ted from Teddington, who drove a Condom van,
He tempted her with his featherlite, till he got his end away,
And all Ernie had to offer her, was oats three times a day.

Poor Ernie, and he had the biggest chopper in the west!

One day Ted saw Ernie’s cart parked outside Sue’s door,
It drove him mad to find the twat, still there at half past four,
Poor Ted, he could not stand it, it made the bastard sick,
So he smashed all Ernie’s windows in, with a fucking great big brick.

So Ernie ran outside, his eyes fixed on that prick,
They stood there face to face, and Ted went for his brick,
But Ernie was too fast for him, things didn’t go the way Ted planned,
And a hairy sweaty bollock sent it spinning from his hand.

Sue, she ran between them, and tried to keep them apart,
But Ernie said, "Fuck off, you silly fucking tart",
Then Sue, she looked across to him, and his eyes a filled with lust,
And a size ten spunk ball made him fall, and Ernie hit the dust.

Ernie was only twenty-two, he didn’t want to die,
But now he’s fucking women in the brothel in the sky,
Where ladies are all naughty, and the pricks are big and grand,
And a woman feels unlucky if thrice daily she’s not banged.

But a woman’s needs are many fold, so Sue she slept with Ted,
But strange things happened in the night, as they fucked upon their bed,
Was that trees a rustling? Or maybe even more,
'Twas Ernie’s chopper, a knocking on the door.

They won’t forget Ernie, cause he had the biggest chopper in the west.

WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WITH THE NEIGHBOURS

We put a spa in our back yard and from that point on, the neighbours think they have an open invitation to use it whenever they please.

The night before last we were trying to enjoy our dinner and all the neighbours were in there making a noise, calling us to come and join them. Can you believe it, they were inviting us to join them in OUR own hot tub!

Then last night I wanted to go to bed early, and they had our back yard light on and were holding a party. "Come on in" they hollered at me. I just wanted to get some shut eye. I was going to say something to them but my wife said no. She didn't want to offend them. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to learn to tolerate their rude behaviour.

NEW IRISH VIRUS

IF YOU EVER WONDERED WHERE INVENTIONS COME FROM

THE i POD

THE MOBILE PHONE

PORT_A_LOO

FOOTBALL VIRUSES

Football viruses

Be careful - these are following in the wake of the 'I Love You' virus and are potentially damaging:

The Manchester United virus:
Your PC develops a disorder whereby the memory forgets everything before 1993.

The Man United shirt virus:
This one is especially hard to detect as it changes its format every 3
months.

The David Beckham virus:
The lights on your PC are all on but nothing works.

The Roy Keane virus:
Throws you out of Windows.

The Alex Ferguson virus:
Your PC develops a continuous whining noise.

The Van Der Saar virus:
You can't save anything.

The Christian Ronaldo virus:
Makes your computer think it's better than it actually is.

These are less virulent, but still wise to keep an eye on them:

The David James virus:
Your PC will act as though it will save something, but let you down at the last minute.

The Arjen Robben virus:
Computer pretends to go down, but then boots back up and is OK.

The Glenn Hoddle virus:
Disables your PC, blames it all on its previous life as a calculator.

The Everton virus:
Makes you think it will go down but presses escape at the last minute.

JOKES OF THE DAY 11/04

Two blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what the fack does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

Man walks up to a woman in a night club and says "Hi, the names Bond"
The woman says "oh don't tell me........James Bond?" The chap says
"No Uni Bond and I'm here to fill your crack?!"

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
The blonde says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

GRANDMA AND GRANDAD

THIS IS WHY I DON'T GO TO VISIT GRANDMA AND GRANDAD ANYMORE...

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY GOD

SUPER FAST THINKING !!

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after a Virgin 767 had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS." The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please, come to Gate 14."

With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said. "Fuck You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too".

I RECEIVED THIS THROUGH THE MAIL

TO THE OCCUPIER

This letter is being sent to you because we know that you are really interested in your front lawn. The spring season will soon be upon us.

This is a Fertilize Your Lawn Club and it will not cost you a penny to join. Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and shit on their front lawn.

You will not be the only one there so don't feel embarrassed. Remove the name at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom, then make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate good lawns.

You will not get any cash or cheques, but within one week, if the chain is not broken, there will be 9,915 people shitting on your front lawn.

Your reward will come later on in the summer, when you will have the greenest lawn in your neighbourhood.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN!

One man didn't give a shit and lost his entire lawn!

ADVERTISING AIMED AT MEN

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ADVERTISING AIMED AT WOMEN

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