JOKES

Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season, simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist ...
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink in the toilet; and when I looked down, the water was full of 5 cent pieces."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were 10 cent pieces in the bowl."
"Uh-huh"
"That night," she went on, "there were 20 cent pieces and this morning there were 50 cent pieces! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored,I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about ..."
"You're simply going through the change."

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my dad! "
The cop asked, "What's he like? "
The little boy replied,
"Beer and women with big t.i.t.s. "

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah, me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies,"No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want, after all you're the Guv'...... but God interrupts, "Ah there a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks, one on top of the other".
"20 Decks?" screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it with up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well.. sort of right..this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah......"yep fish says God, but to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp......wall to wall......floor to ceiling...Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God me old mate, let me get this right.
"you want a New Ark?"
"Check"
"With 20 Decks?"
"Check"
"One on top of the other?'
"Check"
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check" ..
"why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..............

Keep reading........its worth waiting for......
"Dunno", says God.....
"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"

A young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room. The doctor examined the baby and then asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or bottle fed?"
"Breast fed," replied the woman.
"Strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
The woman did as she was told and the doctor examined her breasts.
He squeezed and pulled each one for a while and then he sucked hard on each nipple. Finally he remarked, "No wonder this child is suffering from malnutrition. You don't have any milk!"
"That's right," said the woman. "This is my sister's child."
"Well," said the startled doctor. "I had no idea. You shouldn't have come."
"I didn't," replied the woman, "until you started sucking on my second breast."