President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid says, "I want to go to
Bush says, "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air
Bush says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!!!"
It was the happiest day of my life. Arrived at church, wife waiting at the altar.
Walked up the aisle. Kissed her on the cheek, smiled......... and closed the lid....
A newlywed couple goes to bed early on christmas night. The wife awakes in the middle of the night, wakes her husband and says: "Honey, honey wake up! I had the most amazing dream!"
Husband: "Huh, what was it?"
Wife: "In my dream I saw a christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of dicks. There was big ones, small ones, black ones, white ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect dick: it was long and thick!"
Husband: "Well, it was my dick, right?"
Wife: "No, it was Dennis Rodman's!"
The husband, somewhat annoyed that his wife awoke him to tell him about a dream about Dennis Rodmans dick, rolled over and went to sleep. Later that evening the husband awoke and wakes his wife and says: "Honey, I had the most amazing dream!"
Wife: "What was it?"
Husband: "In my dream I saw a christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of pussy's. There were tight ones, loose ones, black ones, white ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect pussy: it was tight and shaved!"
Wife: "Was it mine?"
Husband: "No, yours was holding the tree up!"
On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.
"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not want sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."
"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied.
"Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."
Two nuns were taking a stroll through the park at dusk when two men jumped them, ripped off their habits, and proceeded to rape them.
Sister Gregory, bruised and battered, looked up at the sky and said softly, "Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he does."
Sister Theresa looked over at her and said, "mine does!"
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
The blonde says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
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