HOW TO PREPARE FOR YOUR FIRST HOSPITAL STAY
1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the gardener to probe you with his weedkiller applicator.
2. Drink a can of Dulux One-Coat, Interior Flat White. Then ask your child to stuff his slinky toy down your throat.
3. Put an estate agent's 'Open House' sign in your front garden and lie on your bed dressed in paper napkins with straws stuck up your nose.
4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practising your smile and repeating the words: "mild discomfort."
5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a crosshead screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.
6. Remove all actual food from the house.
7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung between yourself and a coat rack, walk slowly up and down the hall.
8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.
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