GRANDAD JOKES

Grandpa is sitting on the porch enjoying a beer when his grandson joins him
Grandpa, can I have a drink of your beer the young boy asks. Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your arse son?".
"No Grandpa", replies the boy.
That's because your not a man yet son says Grandpa, "When your dick touches your arse you'll be a man, come back then and I'll give you a drink of my beer".
"OK Grandpa", says the boy dejectedly.
The next day Grandpa is sitting on the porch enjoying a pipe full of baccy when the grandson appears again.
"Grandpa, can i have a puff of your pipe", asks the boy.
"Can your dick touch your arse son?", asks Grandpa
"No grandpa", replies the boy
When your dick touches your arse you'll be a man, come back then and I'll give you a puff of my pipe replies Grandpa.
"OK grandpa", replies the boy
The next day the grandson appears on the porch with a tray of freshly cooked cakes.
"Have you got a cake there for Grandpa", asks the old man
"Can your dick touch your arse Grandpa?", asks the young boy
"Why, it sure can son" replies the grandfather
"Well go fuck yourself, Grandma made these for me", replies the boy

I went to visit my 90 year old granddaddy in a very secluded, rural area of the south. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, my grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, I noticed a film like substance on my plate, and questioned my granddaddy asking, "Are these plates clean?"
My grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sissy!"
For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again, I was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up, granddad said, "I told you before, Sissy, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, I was on my way to a nearby town and as I was leaving, my grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let me pass. I yelled and said, "Granddaddy, your dog won't let me get to my car!"
Without diverting his attention from the basketball game he was watching on TV, granddaddy shouted --"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

This is a short story written by a grandson who had a very special relationship with his Grandpa. Many of us unfortunately were born after our own Grandpas had passed on and never had the opportunity to enjoy moments like this.. The grandson writes...
I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from a mentor, and always on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up and for me it is a time to reminisce. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him.
I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.
Those gems were all well and good, but the one I remember best came from him when I was only 12.
We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. Then, came the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice when he said, "And be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.
"It makes your dick look bigger."

It kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.
"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horseshoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes."
"But grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a whore's shoe."