Ninja!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

DON'T SHOOT AND DRIVE

DRIVERS WHO SHOOT AT PEOPLE FROM BEHIND THE WHEEL COULD FACE JAIL Print E-mail

CARELESS drivers who take potshots at fellow motorists while trying to change gear could face up to three months in prison.

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Actor Jean Reno was fined £60 for this piece of nonsense on the A36 near Warminster
The government is to review current penalties for a range of driving offences including high-speed gun play and reading a book while approaching a roundabout.

At the moment both carry three penalty points and a £60 fine, but police are calling for stronger deterrents to prevent drivers from shooting-up their local dual carriageway.

Superintendent Bill McKay said: "You cannot possibly change gear or use your indicators and lean out of the window in an attempt to shoot out the tyres of the car in front of you.

"And driving an automatic is no excuse. You may not have to change gear but that doesn't mean you can settle back with a copy of Captain Corelli's Mandolin and a packet of Revels."

Supt McKay added: "If you do want to read or shoot at people, either pull over in a safe place or wait until you get to your destination.

"Or you could invest in a few talking books. My wife and I are currently enjoying The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail read by David Jason.

"As a matter of fact, we're planning a trip to Renne Le Chateau next year, where I intend to shoot at French people from the safety of a lay-by."

OLD SAILORS STORY

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An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads to the docks once
more for old times' sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, " How am I doing "?

The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about 3 knots".

Three knots he asks, "What's that suppose to mean ?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back !"

VIAGRA WORKS

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Monday, November 26, 2007

SPEND, SPEND, SPEND

ENGLAND PLAYERS VOW TO SPEND THEIR WAY OUT OF DEPRESSION Print E-mail

DAVID Beckham is to buy himself a Bugatti Veyron, a diamond covered horse and the nation of Equitorial Guinea in a bid to ease the pain of England's Euro 2008 failure.

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Casa de Lampard is awash with tears
Beckham said the England squad was hurting and confused, to the extent that many could not remember which of their homes they were supposed to go to after the game.

"It was a poor performance. The only explanation I can think of is that maybe we're not paid enough," he said.

Scott Carson, the rookie goalkeeper blamed for England's shock exit, said it was only the thought of his indoor heated swimming pool, sauna and fitness room which kept him going.

He said: "If it wasn't for the Fabergé quad bike, the Maserati jet ski and the Patek Phillipe sandwich toaster, I think I'd have slit my wrists in my sunken bath and its eight whirlpool massage jets."

Stephen Gerrard said the pain of defeat was so intense he had to be carried from the dressing room to his Aston Martin in a sedan chair.

He said: "I don't know if buying a third Jacobean mansion and filling it with solid gold eggs will help, but for God's sake I've got to try."

Rio Ferdinand said he would cheer himself up by paying Paul Gascoigne £1 million to recreate his 1996 wonder goal against Scotland in his back garden 'over and over again'.

Reg Hollis, 53, a lifelong England fan, said he could appreciate that the football stars were hurting but thought they might get over it. "I'm hurting too," he said. "And I'm absolutely fucking skint."

ROBOCLOCK

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Monday, November 19, 2007

TEST FOR DEMENTIA

Test for Dementia
Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately, OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....




First Question:


you are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?






Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?


Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?




Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?






Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?




Did you get 5000 ?


The correct answer is actually 4100.




If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right...
Maybe.



Fourth Question:


Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?




Did you Answer Nunu?
NO!
Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!




Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?





He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.. Like you!


KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE
IN YOUR LIFE

Friday, November 16, 2007

OLD AGE

ALMOST SUMMER

You





know




it's





almost

Summer





when



the

girls





start

showing

off

their

belly buttons!






SAFE SEX

FREE GIF'S

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Thursday, November 15, 2007

QUICK JOKES

Paul McCartney bought his missus a plane the other day, so she can shave the other leg.


Sales of condoms in France have plummeted since the England squad proved that to fuck fifteen frogs it only takes one Jonny


Paddy weighs 20stone, so his doctor puts him on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks , you should lose 5 pounds.
When Paddy returned he shocked the doctor by having lost 4 stone.
That's amazing the doc said.
Paddy nodded..... "I'll tell you bejesus I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day.
" What from hunger?” said the doc
No, says Paddy, from all the fukkin skippin.


I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed in front of a steam train.
Then he was chuffed to bits.


What does the average paki weigh? Midget gems and cola cubes.


A man goes in to a doctors and says I’m having problems wanking when I have finished I always sing glory glory man united and the doctor says yes a lot of Wankers sing that!


An Aboriginal woman goes to have an abortion and a week later receives a cheque for $300.She rings up to query it and was told it was an award from 'Crimestoppers'


A jelly baby went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor said, "You've got a sexually transmitted disease."
"Is that all" responded the jelly baby.
"You don't sound very surprised" added the doctor.
"I'm not" said the jelly baby, "I've been sleeping with allsorts."


How do you know if your girlfriend is too young for you?
You have to make aeroplane noises to get your cock in her mouth.


I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic, if you ask me. I mean a ginger kid, with two friends?

CRAZY ELECTRICIANS




CHILDREN'S BOOKS THEY SHOULDN'T READ



BEST ADVERT EVER

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

DON'T SIT NEXT TO A BLACK MAN

This scene took place on a British Airways flight between Johannesburg, South Africa & London.

A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a Black man.

Very disturbed by this, she called the air hostess. "You obviously do
not see it then?" she asked. "You placed me next to a Black man. I did
not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me
an alternative seat." "Be calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost
all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another
place is available."

The hostess went away & then came back a few minutes later. "Madam,
just as I thought, there are no other available seats in Economy Class.

I spoke to the captain & he informed me that there is also no seat
in Business Class. All the same, we still have one place in First
Class."

Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued. "It is not
usual for our company to permit someone from Economy Class to sit in
First Class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that
it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone sodisgusting."

She turned to the Black man, and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would
like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in First
Class."

At that moment, the other passengers, who'd been shocked by what they had just witnessed, stood up & applauded.

WELL DONE, British Airways!

Monday, October 22, 2007

BEAUTY IS NOT FOREVER

Brigitte Bardot

It's interesting (even shocking in a way) to see the physical difference between Brigitte, the sex kitten of the 1950s and 60s, and Brigitte, the 73-year-old animal rights activist. A reminder that aging is life's equalizer. It's something we all face, so we might as well do something productive and meaningful with our lives, because that's what really counts. I admire her gumption--she has always shunned plastic surgery and for many years she's poured her energy into challenging governments to acknowledge the rights of animals.


Thursday, October 18, 2007

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

WHAT SEPERATES MAN FROM ANIMALS?

CLICK TO ENLARGE

SONG FOR DIANA

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THANKS TO /www.b3ta.com/users/profile.php?id=44577

WORST SLOGAN TRANSLATIONS IN HISTORY

13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” The company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”


12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: “Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux.”


11) Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “Manure Stick.”


10) Coors put its slogan, “Turn It Loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer From Diarrhea.”


9) Pepsi’s “Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave” in Chinese.


8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.


7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.


6) Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken,” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”


5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its “Fly In Leather” campaign literally, which meant “Fly Naked” (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.


4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I Saw the Potato” (la papa).


3) The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read “Are You Lactating?”


2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. “No va” in Spanish means, “It Doesn’t Go”.


1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Kekoukela”, meaning “Bite the Wax Tadpole” or “Female Horse Stuffed with Wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “kokoukole”, translating into “Happiness in the Mouth.”

SEX IN DANGEROUS PLACES


Tuesday, October 09, 2007

HONESTY IN ADVERTISING

HOLY WATER

Once upon a time there were four older ladies that lived in Italy....
They always sat outside and chatted about when they were younger....
One day they pooled their money together and bought a laptop computer...


They always wanted to see what Florida was about and they just happened to click on St. Augustine, FL. and they read about the "Fountain of Youth" that was there...
They saved up all they could and sent for four bottles of the magic water....
As soon as it arrived, they drank as much as they could....
The rest of this story will make you a believer because here they are today....


No, this is really TRUE! Really!

DON'T CRASH THE CAR WHEN YOU ARE CARRYING PAINT..


THE DIANA JURY

DIANA JURY TO SPEND WEEK IN LEOPARD PRINT SWIMSUIT

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The having it off venue

THE jury hearing the inquest into the murder of Princess Diana by MI6 is to spend the rest of the week diving off a yacht on the Cote d’Azur while wearing a leopard print swimsuit.

It will spend Friday night roaring along the Cannes sea front in an open top sports car to the restaurant Le Caprice where it will dine on lobster and caviar before later having it off with an Egyptian gentleman, also on a yacht.

At the weekend the jury’s focus will switch to Africa where it will cuddle some AIDS orphans while wearing too much eye make-up and then make some naĂŻve comments about land mines.

A spokesman for the coroner said that adopting Diana’s lifestyle would give the jury an intuitive understanding of why it was Prince Phillip had ordered her death at the hands of the secret service. “Her spirit will reveal the truth,” he said.

“I think he was driven to do it by her doing that looking up through the fringe thing all the time. Hair loss often drives men insane. I can’t believe it was just for shagging Egyptians. Even if he is Greek,” he added.

After returning from Africa the jury is scheduled to do a photo-shoot with Mario Testino and then spend four hours a day on the phone to the Daily Mail boring its reporters rigid.

Once back in London the entire jury will undergo colonic irrigation and have an affair with Will Carling. It will also smuggle heart surgeons into its private apartments in the boot of its car.

Finally, the jury will be driven at high speed into the 13th pillar of the Pont de l’Alma tunnel by a drunk and suicidal double agent after first having their seatbelts unfastened by Sir John Scarlett, head of MI6, using his laser guided seatbelt undoing machine.

“If they still don’t get the message I suppose we will just have to give them the secret Cabinet papers setting out the whole plan,” the coroner’s spokesman said.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Thursday, October 04, 2007

DRAWINGS FOR DIRTY MINDS

QUICKIES

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1. I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought I thought- "That's Abbariginal"



2. I told my girlfriend that I had got a job in a Bowling Alley. She said "Tenpin". I said "No-permanent"


3. I went to a pet shop and asked "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said "Do you want an aquarium?" I said "I don't care what star sign it is"


4. I was at a garden centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagon with no driver.


5. I bought some Armageddon cheese the other day. It said on the packet "Best before end".


6. I went into Currys the other day and asked "Can someone sell me a kettle?" The bloke said "Kenwood". I said "Where is he then?"


7. My mate is in love with two school-bags. He's bi-satchel.


8. I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.


9. The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I would'nt do it if you paid me".


10. I told my mum that I had just opened a theatre. She said "Are you having me on?" I said "Well I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything".


11. This cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says "Audi"


12.I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said "Nearest the bull goes first". He went "Baah", I went "Moo". He said "You're nearest, you start".


13. I bought a train ticket to France the other day and the ticket seller said "Eurostar?" I said "Well I've been on telly once but I'm no Frank Sinatra"


14. I phoned the local gym and asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. The guy said "How flexible are you?" I said "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays"


15. I went to the local video shop and asked the guy "Can I take out the Elephant Man?" He said "He's not your type". I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever". He said "No-you'll have to bring it back tomorrow".

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

LAST SUPPER TRICK

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Monday, October 01, 2007

10 WEIRDEST DISEASES IN THE WORLD

1?Elephantiasis: grossly enlarged members

Lymphatic filariasis, also known as elephantiasis, is best known from dramatic photos of people with grossly enlarged or swollen arms and legs. The disease is caused by parasitic worms, including Wuchereria bancrofti, Brugia malayi, and B. timori, all transmitted by mosquitoes. Lymphatic filariasis currently affects 120 million people worldwide, and 40 million of these people have serious disease. When an infected female mosquito bites a person, she may inject the worm larvae, called microfilariae, into the blood. The microfilariae reproduce and spread throughout the bloodstream, where they can live for many years. Often disease symptoms do not appear until years after infection. As the parasites accumulate in the blood vessels, they can restrict circulation and cause fluid to build up in surrounding tissues. The most common, visible signs of infection are excessively enlarged arms, legs, genitalia, and breasts.
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2、Progeria: the 80-Year-Old Children

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Progeria is caused by a single tiny defect in a child’s genetic code, but it has devastating and life-changing consequences. On average, a child born with this disease will be dead by the age of 13. As they see their bodies fast forward through the normal process of ageing they develop striking physical symptoms, often including premature baldness, heart disease, thinning bones and arthritis. Progeria is extremely rare, there are only around 48 people living with it in the whole world. However, there is a family that has five children with the disease.

3、Werewolf Syndrome: the wolf people

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When two year-old Abys DeJesus grew dark, hairy patches on her face, doctors said she has a condition known as Human Werewolf Syndrome. The disease is called werewolf syndrome because people with it look like werewolves - except without the sharp teeth and claws. In Mexico, a large family of men had hair that covered their faces and upper bodies. Two brothers were even offered a part in the X-Files but they turned down the offer.

4、Blue Skin Disorder: the blue people

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A large family simply known as the “blue people” lived in the hills around Troublesome Creek in Kentucky until the 1960s. They were the blue Fugates. Most of them lived past the age of 80, with no serious illness - just blue skin. The trait was passed on from generation to generation. People with this condition have blue, plum, indigo or almost purple skin.

5、Pica: the urge to eat non-food substances

People diagnosed with Pica have an insatiable urge to eat non-food substances like dirt, paper, glue and clay. Though it is believed to be linked with mineral deficiency, health experts have found no real cause and no cure for this disorder.

6、Vampire Disease: pain from the sun

There are people out there who go to great lengths to avoid the sun. If they are caught in the sun, their skin will blister. Some of them have pain and blistering as soon as the sun touches their skin. Ok, so they’re not actually vampires. They don’t drink blood and sleep in coffins, but they do suffer from a rare disease that has vampire-like symptoms.

7、Alice in Wonderland syndrome: time, space and body image are distorted

Alice in Wonderland syndrome (AIWS), or micropsia, is a disorienting neurological condition which affects human visual perception. Subjects perceive humans, parts of humans, animals, and inanimate objects as substantially smaller than in reality. Generally, the object perceived appears far away or extremely close at the same time. For example, a family pet, such as a dog, may appear the size of a mouse, or a normal car may look shrunk to scale. This leads to another name for the condition, Lilliput sight or Lilliputian hallucinations, named after the small people in Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels. The condition is in terms of perception only; the mechanics of the eye are not affected, only the brain’s interpretation of information passed from the eyes.

8、Blaschko’s lines: strange stripes all over the body

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Blaschko’s lines are an extremely rare and unexplained phenomenon of human anatomy first presented in 1901 by German dermatologist Alfred Blaschko. Neither a specific disease nor a predictable symptom of a disease, Blaschko’s lines are an invisible pattern built into human DNA. Many inherited and acquired diseases of the skin or mucosa manifest themselves according to these patterns, creating the visual appearance of stripes. The cause of the stripes is thought to result from mosaicism; they do not correspond to nervous, muscular, or lymphatic systems. What makes them more remarkable is that they correspond quite closely from patient to patient, usually forming a “V” shape over the spine and “S” shapes over the chest, stomach, and sides.

9、Walking Corpse Syndrome: they believe to have died

It is a syndrome of mental depression and suicidal tendencies, in which the patient complains of having lost everything: possessions, part of or entire body, often believing that he or she has died and is a walking corpse. This delusion is usually expanded to the degree that the patient might claim that he can smell his own rotting flesh and feel worms crawling through his skin. The latter phenomenon is a recurring experience of people chronically deprived of sleep or suffering amphetamine/cocaine psychosis. Paradoxically, being “dead” often gives the patient the nation of being immortal.

10、Jumping frenchman disorder: weird reflexes

The main characteristic is that patients are extremely startled by an unexpected noise or sight. It’s not just twitching when someone sneaks up behind you. Patients with this disorder flail their arms, cry out and repeat words. First identified in some of Maine’s lumberjacks of French-Canadian origin, the odd reflex has been identified in other parts of the world, too.