TODAY'S JOKES

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church.When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer,we managed to abstain.
The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, ading from the Bible .. anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. Then she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church, "stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot either!

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares At the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no."
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy." Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "O-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hillary!". With that, Bill grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, Lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you #%&ing idiot!". The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I just can't believe how much everyone enjoyed that!" Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks "What's wrong?.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first PITCH."

Retired people are asked what they do to make their days interesting...... An example; the other day a retired gentlemen and his wife went into town to go shopping.....
"We were only in the store for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife Marilyn called him a shithead.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care! We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we are retired. It's important at our age.

During one of his morning briefings an aide tells President Bush that three Brazilian soldiers have been killed overnight in Iraq.
President Bush looks at the man and gasps, goes white and and falls of his chair.
After a moment to regain his composure he is helped back into his chair and asks the aide;
"In regular numbers just how many is a Brazilian?"