JIMMY CARR QUICKIES

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, why not? I said, because you look fat.

I thought that I saw your name on a bag of bread, but when I reread it, it said "Thick Cut".

"You should always unplug appliances before going to bed at night. There are two exceptions to this rule: Fridges and life-support machines. Otherwise you could end up wasting a lot of vegetables"

If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked a million dollars... he's really let himself go...

Remember the Y2K scare. "I got confused. I thought it was a K.Y. scare, so I bought 2000 jars of personal lubricant. I still have some."

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Donger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

Sting is always boasting about his eight-hour tantric sex sessions with his wife, Trudie Styler. Imagine how long he could keep it up if she was a looker.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.