A FLOW CHART TO HELP MEN SELECT THEIR CLOTHES

MUM SAID IT WOULD MAKE ME GO BLIND....

LUV A DUCK

THANKS TO http://www.bulletinboardforum.com/

A TRUE LOVE STORY IN FOUR EASY STEPS

WORLDS BEST DIVORCE LETTER

World's Best Divorce Letter

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'm tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she'snot hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.

Love, Dan

Penis Study

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Ireland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

TERROR TEE SHIRT

I'm not sure about this, but it probly says a lot about the world we live in.



If you want one they are $20 click here www.terrortshirt.com/

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN (this is one of the most moving comparison videos you will ever see)

TODAYS TOP TIPS

NORTHERNERS. On hot summer nights go to bed wearing a shower cap full of frozen peas to cool your head. And when you wake up you'll have a tasty mushy pea snack ready for breakfast.

DIETERS. Buy only Russian Alphabetti Spaghetti as there are only 22 letters in the Cyrillic alphabet. Just watch the pounds fall off.

HOSPITAL patients. Arrive for your appointment two hours after the assigned arrival time. That way, you will only have to wait an hour for your doctor to see you.

EXPERIENCE the thrills of a skiing holiday without the expense. Simply sellotape two planks of wood to your feet, sit in your freezer for three hours, then run into a tree as fast as you can.

HOUSEHOLDERS. Store yellow crayons, broken pencils, dried up biros and highlighters somewhere handy. I keep mine in a jar by the telephone.

Thanks to

www.viz.co.uk/

THE CATS REVENGE

Every day for the past two years, my dog has chased my cat around the garden.

The cat has had a torrid time of it, until I installed a cat door.

You see the dog couldn't fit through the cat flap, the dog didn't know this, but the cat did!!!

So Puss just bided her time until the dog tried to get through the cat flap.

Then the cat took her revenge......

SKULL TATTOO

Damn!!!! I really think this is the most intense facial tattoo I’ve ever seen in terms of radically transforming a person’s interaction with the rest of the world… and speaking as someone with a facial tattoo, I definitely feel like this is going to be a shock to his system. Very, very intense; I’m seriously impressed at the size of his FTW balls… Turning your face into a death mask is, just… wow…

Thanks to

modblog.bmezine.com/2006/11/13/you-call-yourself-a-misfits-fan/

Scary News For Frequent Flyers!!!!

Scary News For Frequent Flyers!!!!

Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on. An actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame was spotted recently.

I'll definitely think twice before flying USAir. Check it out

Thanks Goose

LOTTERY WINNERS TO GET NOTHING

National lottery operators Camelot today announced that they will shortly be issuing a new batch of their "millionaire scratch cards" with a guaranteed jackpot prize of sod all.

Let's face it, it's all you cretins deserve

The company says that the new cards are aimed at "the apparently very large number of gormless fuckwits who wouldn't know what to do with the money anyway."

The announcement follows recent tabloid newspaper reports concerning lottery winner Eddie Grunnt and his decision to return to his 96-hour-a-week job at the dog dirt factory where he's worked for the last 52 years.

Mr Grunnt apparently made his decision upon discovering that he didn't like the taste of caviar, just six hours after winning an estimated £2.6 billion on the national lottery's "midweek extra thunderball extra" game.

The current director of Camelot, Sir Jim Llewelyn-Bowen, told us that tragic stories like these are far from uncommon.

"Our research shows that, whilst many people enjoy the thrill of watching random numbers appear on a television screen or scraping silver gunk off a bit of cardboard they bought at a petrol station, very few actually possess the mental resources required to responsibly spend a sum of money greater than £7.99" he explained.

"These new scratch cards will allow such people to piss a pound into the wind whilst dreaming of a better life, without any risk of ever being faced with the terrifying intellectual challenge of actually having to live it."

The new cards are expected to be available from all usual national lottery retailers by the end of March.

Players must be 16 or over. And retarded.

Thanks to

www.johnfanzine.com/news/

MAKE MY PEOPLE SING

This is brilliant...

First click on the link below, when it opens click on any of the figures in the picture.

www.mypeople.com/sing/index.html

FOOTBALLS A FUNNY GAME

MORE THAN A MOUTHFULL....

WORDS YOU SHOULDN'T WRITE IN CARDS...

After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between my eyes

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Every time I see your face
I wish I were in outer space

I saw your face as you walked by
but then I saw a better guy

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out.

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

Look at those eyes, look at that face,
good God, someone, hand me my mace!

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and
so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the
sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

TODAYS JOKES

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
The salesman takes two steps backwards. The lady asks why he moved.
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

Two blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what the fack does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

WORK TO DO AROUND THE HOUSE?

YOU CAN CALL THE NAKED HANDYMAN... BUT YOU MIGHT BE SORRY

MORE GENERATORS

GET YOURS HERE www.redkid.net/generator/absolut/sign.php

REAL ANAGRAMS

Mother-in-law: Woman Hitler

Elvis: Lives

A Decimal Point: I'm a Dot in Place

Clint Eastwood: Old West Action

Desperation: A Rope Ends It

Debit card: Bad Credit

Snooze Alarms: Alas! No More Z's

Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one

The Country Side: No City Dust Here

Princess Diana = end is a car spin

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.


ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.


PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICEMAN...

click picture to enlarge

FUNNY FACES

THANKS TO: www.humandescent.com/index3.shtml

PENIS VAN LESBIAN

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER ..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck; who would possibly send him $50,000?

He reads the letter enclosed ...
Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

VOTE LABOUR

IT'S EIGHT YEARS SINCE CLINTON LEFT WASHINGTON

CANDY FOR KIDS UGH!!!

Chocka Ca-Ca

This is by far is the most repulsive candy I have ever seen in my life; but it’s an ingenious product. Chocka Ca-Ca is a fudge candy that comes wrapped in a diaper, and is even shaped like liquid piled on top of liquid. It's like eating poo right out of a diaper. What kind of sick person would think of inventing this candy? Chocka Ca-Ca2 While eating this candy, you could keep reminding yourself that it is just fudge, but I would still find it difficult to get it down. Their website says: "Chocka Ca-Ca is a REAL baby diaper with a (big) piece of chocolate. Don't worry. Its just candy.

Dripping Boogers Candy

Have you ever "stood on the side of bridge, leaned your head over, let a wad of drool slowly emerge from your mouth, and then suck it back up into your mouth" again? Well, with this candy, you just strap on the plastic nose and the liquid candy drips out of the nostrils onto your tongue.

Lick Your Wounds Candy Scabs

The idea of watching someone pick at their scab is weird. The thought of having to watch someone lick and eat their scabs is totally disgusting. Have fun grossing people out licking your scabs with this candy. Its shaped like a Band-Aid, and really sticks to your arm. So get close and comfortable to the kid you want to gross out, peel back the Band-Aid and start licking your scab! And have fun watching their faces turn away in disgust.

A FEW QUICKIES

In school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower

"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."

Just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" –

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

A father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that, son, or you'll go blind." The kid says, "Pop, I'm over here."

In Baltimore, there's a 60-year-old "Lady of the Night" listed in the Yellow Pages. In fact, She's the oldest trick in the book!

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.

Q: What are the "Man's Three Rules When Getting Old?"
A: Never pass a bathroom, don't waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart.

Q. What can jelly babies do that real men can't?
A. Come in six different colours!

My husband and I fell in love at first sight.... Maybe I should have taken a second look.

That's what I like about schoolgirls, I get older, but they stay the same age.

THE REFUGEE POEM

I cross ocean, poor and broke, Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man, treat me good in there, Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, "You come no more, we send cash right to your door."
Welfare checks, they make you wealthy, Medicare it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money, Thanks to you, Australian dummy.
Write to friends in motherland, Tell them 'come fast as you can.'

They come in turbans and Ford trucks, I buy big house with welfare bucks
They come here, we live together, More welfare checks, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in, But, neighbour's patience wearing thin.
Finally, Australian moves away, Now, I buy his house, and then I say,

"Find more aliens for house to rent." And in the yard I put a tent.
Send for family they just trash, But they, too, draw welfare cash!

Everything is very good, And soon we own the neighborhood.
We have hobby it's called breeding, Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills? We get free! We got no bills!
Australian crazy! He pay all year, To keep welfare running here.

We think Australia darn good place! Too darn good for the Australian Race.
If they no like us, they can scram, Got lots of room in Pakistan.

TEAMWORK IN THE UK

MY MATES WILL LOOK AFTER ME IF I GET DRUNK...

TODAY'S JOKES

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church.When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer,we managed to abstain.
The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, ading from the Bible .. anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. Then she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church, "stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot either!

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares At the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no."
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy." Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "O-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hillary!". With that, Bill grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, Lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you #%&ing idiot!". The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I just can't believe how much everyone enjoyed that!" Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks "What's wrong?.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first PITCH."

Retired people are asked what they do to make their days interesting...... An example; the other day a retired gentlemen and his wife went into town to go shopping.....
"We were only in the store for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife Marilyn called him a shithead.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care! We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we are retired. It's important at our age.

During one of his morning briefings an aide tells President Bush that three Brazilian soldiers have been killed overnight in Iraq.
President Bush looks at the man and gasps, goes white and and falls of his chair.
After a moment to regain his composure he is helped back into his chair and asks the aide;
"In regular numbers just how many is a Brazilian?"

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BIKES OF BURDEN