PUBS AROUND MELBOURNE

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GIFS OF THE WEEK

JOKES OF THE WEEK

A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on "special clearance."
Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!" The befuddled clerk runs away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on "special clearance." Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!" And doing so draws an even bigger crowd.
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that? The woman simply says, "Because, I like to have my nipples pinched when I'm getting screwed!" The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.





The sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this, sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt....so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts....so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town, cowboy...."
And here I am.





Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"





Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of sex with his wife.
Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed,
to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"




A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The guy obeys and says, '99'.
The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99.
'Again, the guy says, '99.'
The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99.'
The guy begins, 'One .. Two ..... Three'.




A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class,
"Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said,
"He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered,
"He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out,
"I know! ! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said,
"Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells,
"Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

TRUE LOVE... HELPING TO TEST BULLET PROOF GLASS

DANGEROUS GANGS

The word gang has taken on many meanings throughout the years. Originally, the word was just used to express a group or band of people. You probably have heard someone talk about the local gang of boys or something of that sort. In older times, the word gang didn’t have such the negative tone that comes along with it today. As time has gone on, the word gang has grown to be a word that many worry about when they hear it. It seems a “gang” has evolved from just being a group of people to a group of people that associate for some criminal or other antisocial purpose.

Depending on where you live, you have probably heard about gang crimes. If you don’t live too close to a big city, it is sure that you have read or watched the news and heard about some sort of gang activity. Gangs exist all over the world, not just in your own country. Here are the top 10 of the most dangerous gangs that you definitely don’t want to come into contact with.

Aryan Brotherhood (AB, The Brand)

Another jailhouse gang for you. Even though they are not one of the biggest prison gangs, the Aryan Brotherhood is known to have murdered many prisoners in jail. The gang only makes up about 1% of prison populations, but size doesn’t matter to the AB. In fact, this gang is known for at least 26% of the murders that occur in prisons around the U.S. The AB is split into two groups, usually those in federal prisons and other members that are located in some of the smaller state prisons, especially those in California. In order to join the Aryan Brotherhood, one has to kill or assault another prisoner. This is known as blood in, blood out. Any who try to leave the gang are generally assaulted or murdered by a member. The AB is known for organized crime, extortion, inmate prostitution, drug trafficking, and murder-for-hire.

Mexican Mafia (La eMe)

The Mexican Mafia is a gang that has its strongholds in many prisons throughout the U.S. The gang was started in the 1950s in Tracy California. La eMe is well known for its drug trafficking, extortion, and murder. Closely knit with the Aryan Brotherhood, La eMe has made many contracts with ally gangs in order to kill other gang members from rivals. The gang doesn’t have many rules for its members: no exposing the gang, no homosexual acts, and no cowardice. Mexican Mafia gang members also cannot practice the Christian religion. Once your join the Mexican Mafia and are released from jail, members are expected to send some of their earnings to those lead gang members who are still in jail. The gang isn’t known to kill random civilians.

The Mungiki (Kenyan Mafia)

This gang isn’t one that you’ll find in the U.S. The Mungiki is mostly found in poor parts of Kenya, especially Nairobi, which is one of Kenya’s largest cities. The gang was formed during the 1980s and has since grown, but not much. The gang is known to work in “cells,” each of them consisting of about 50 members that get involved with racketeering. The Mungiki are extremely against Christianity as well as any type of Westernization. The gang believes in forced female genital cutting, beheading, and mutilation. As many as 50 people have been killed because of clashes with the Mungiki, two of these people being Kenyan police offers who were beheaded. The gang is said to have some ties in the U.S., but this has never been concretely proven.

Primeiro Comando da Capital (PCC)

A Brazilian gang, Primeiro Comando da Capital comes in at #7. This gang is one of the newest Brazilian prison gangs to be formed. Founded in 1993 by eight prisoners, PCC is one of the smallest prison gangs around today. Primeiro Comando da Capital is extremely against government establishments like police stations, justice forums, and even buses. Since the middle of 2006, the gang is known to have carried out about 300 attacks, all of them being against public establishments. The gang is mostly funded by its members. All members have to pay a monthly fee to be in the gang, which is about $27 if the member is in jail, and $270 if the member is out of a prison. Most of the money is used to buy weapons as well as drugs. Some of the money is put towards bailing out members. In order to become part of the Primeiro Comando da Capital, you have to be introduced by a regular member of the gang. An oath must also be accepted.

Black Guerrilla Family (Black Family, Black Vanguard)

Founded in 1966 by a man named George Jackson, located in Marin County, California, the Black Guerrilla family is one of the many gangs that is associated with the African-American race. The gang was established in order to maintain Black dignity in prison as well as planning to overthrow the U.S. government. Standing as one of the most politically influenced gangs, the Black Guerrilla Family has very strong emotions towards Marxism. Today, the Black Family has about 50,000 gang members, many of which who are associated with other gangs. In order to join the gang, one must be black, and must be nominated by an already existing member. Recently it has been said that the gang is experiencing internal conflicts between old and new members.

La Nuestra Familia

La Nuestra Familia is a Mexican American prison gang that originated in Northern California. The gang has been around since 1968 and has always been a rival of the Mexican Mafia. Many speculate that the gang was created just to deliver a blow to their rival gang. The gang puts a high focus on protecting as well as preserving the Chicano culture, especially while living in a society that is dominated by so many different races. La Nuestra Familia is known to control intra-prison drug and sex trades. From the prison, high-up gang members call to those outside of the prison to prefer hits. The gang is known to kill anyone, sometimes members of the gang. Members of La Nuestra Familia are known to be serious criminals because the gang requires a two year time period to join. La Nuestra Familia requires that all gang members put the gang above family, money, drugs, and women. Women cannot join the gang but are sometimes used for running drugs.

Texas Syndicate (Texas 7)

Texas Syndicate is a California State Prison gang that was created in response to other Californian gangs like the Mexican Mafia and the Aryan Brotherhood. Because these gangs were preying on inmates, especially those in Texas, prisoners saw a need to have a rival gang to protect these Texas prisoners as a means for self-protection. The Texas 7 doesn’t allow any members that are outside of the Hispanic race. Caucasian members are extremely frowned upon. The gang is made up generally of Mexican immigrant prisoners, not Mexicans who were born and raised in the U.S. In 2000, the gang was said to have about 1,000 members in jail, and about 830 outside of jail. Texas Syndicate is known for contract murder, gambling, prostitution, extortion, and drug trafficking. Many of the gang’s leaders are imprisoned due to drug charges.

Crips

The Crips was started in 1969 by a 16-year-olds Stanley Williams and Raymond Washington. The two started the gang as a playoff of the Black Panthers. The gang started off small and was a loosely connected network of individual gangs. Since its origination, the gang has grown to be one of the largest as well as one of the most powerful gangs that exist in the U.S. Today, the gang is said to have over 300,000 gang members both inside and outside of jail. The Crips are known for wearing the color blue. The gang is known to carry out murders, robberies, as well as drug deals. The Crips are extremely bitter rivals towards the Bloods as well as many different Hispanic street gangs. The gang is known to be extremely violent and sometimes brawls and fights explode within the gang, which usually end up in deaths of Crips members. While fighting other gangs, the Crips also fights against itself. This gang is so big that it has even spread to other countries like Canada.

Bloods

The Bloods is a Los Angeles based gang that is known mainly for its rivalry with the Crips as well as for wearing the color red. The gang started in 1972 and grew slowly by taking over territory that was controlled by other L.A. street gangs. Because the Bloods were so fearless, many of the gang members that they encountered decided to band together and join the Bloods. The gang is separated into “sets,” which have their own tactics, especially when it comes to recruiting. The gang overall is known to recruit members through those who volunteer while the Bloods’ sets are known to send threats to people to join the gang. Bloods members often combine with other gangs in order to carry out criminal activity, especially drug trafficking.

Mara Salvatrucha (MS-13)

Mara Salvatrucha makes all of these other gangs seem like foolish people selling drugs. MS-13 is in fact the deadliest gang that anyone will ever come into contact with. The gang mainly consists of Guatemalans, Hondurans, Salvadorans, and other Central Americans and was started in the 1980s to protect immigrants from other big gangs. The gang has been able to spread beyond Central America into Spain, U.S., Great Britain, Germany, and even Canada. MS-13 is well known for drug smuggling, black market gun sales, theft, contract killing, human trafficking, and assault, especially on law enforcement. In the U.S. alone, the gang has 10,000 members. This gang has no remorse for killing anyone. Mara Salvatrucha is known for hunting down and killing anyone who speaks to law enforcement about the gang. MS-13 is known for its extremely violent crimes, especially against innocents. The gang has gone as far to set a bus full of children and women on fire which ended in 28 deaths.

THE WORLDS BEST THROW IN

BERNIE ECCLESTONES WIFE WANTS TWO MIDGETS

THE soon-to-be ex-wife of Formula One tycoon Bernie Ecclestone has vowed to buy a taller husband or two midgets that can be bolted together.

Slavica Ecclestone is expected to receive enough money in her divorce settlement to buy any man, or combination of men, that she wants.

She said last night: "When I was a young girl my idea of the perfect husband was a man who was suave, sophisticated, about six foot tall and had a billion pounds.

"But unfortunately at the age of 26 I found myself in the position where I had to choose between a man who was nine foot tall but skint and a three foot midget with two billion pounds.

"I chose Bernie Ecclestone."

She added: "We had many happy years but there's only so long you can be a climbing frame for a monkey. Even a very, very rich monkey.

"But soon I will have the money and I can choose. I suppose the easy thing would be to have one very large husband but I really like the idea of two midgets in a boiler suit.

"Then they can take it in turns to be the one on top. It'll keeps things fresh."


thanks to the daily mash

PICS OF THE WEEK

WHAT I WOULD DO IF........

CLICK PICTURE TO ENLARGE

IDIOT OF THE WEEK

I GOT MY FIRST CHRISTMAS CARD TODAY

thanks to Mike Molloy

TEVEZ'S MUM VISITS HIM AT UNITED

thanks to Mike Molloy

RELIGION CARD GAME

CLICK TO ENLARGE

TODAY'S QUICKIES

I went to the doctors for a check up and he asked me how I was sleeping.
"Like a baby," I said.
"Good," he replied.
I disagreed. "Waking up every four hours lying in my own piss and shit screaming the house down is not good."

When Madonna first came to England she said she wanted to be more English; she's now an unmarried mother with three kids and one of them is black, how much more English can one get?

Stephen Hawking is in intensive care with 2 broken legs, a dislocated shoulder and a shattered hip apparently, he went on a date last night and she stood him up!!!!

Latest news about the woman with a Hoover nozzle jammed up her fanny, the doctors said although she is still in intensive care she is picking up nicely!!

Do you like Wayne Rooney's new haircut? Apparantly it happened as a result of a misunderstanding when Playboy Magazine offered Colleen £100,000 to shave her twat.

I went to the midget Olympics in Birmingham last week, my friends think it's sad, that small people should compete against other small people for gold medals….

I personally don't think there's anything wrong with a little competition.

A Scottish woman walks into her bedroom & finds her husband simulating sex with his wellie.
"Hamish!" she shouts
"You dirty bastard...Stop fucking aboot!"

I work in a paperless office. I thought it would be great until I went for a shit...

Only in America would they combine a department Alcohol, Tobacco and firearms. I phoned them up and said “what wine do you recommend I drink, when I go shooting my M16 semi- automatic.

THE NORTY ONE RETURNS

Hi Guys,

Well after a great trip through Alaska, Canada and California, I'm back with an inbox bursting with goodies.

So stand by for a lot of great new stuff coming to a screen near you very soon.

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are an d will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal
And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail .

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'


And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.


After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord a nd said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have becom e filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . . .

And Dog was happy. . . .




And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other....

NEARLY TIME FOR THE OLYMPICS

PILOBOLUS

LETTER TO DEVON POLICE

This is (allegedly) a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public. Lengthy but brilliantly written.....

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.

This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.

One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
???????

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ?
Community Beat Officer

---------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear PC ?

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!

KIDS!!!!

ANOTHER BRILLIANT BEER AD

10 ways to tell if your Amish kid is headed for trouble

• Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
• In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
• Shows up at barn raisings in full “Kiss” makeup.
• When you criticize him, he yells, “Thou sucketh!”
• His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy.”
• Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap.”
• You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
• Uses slang expression: “Talk to the hand, ’cause the beard ain’t listening.”
• Was recently pulled over for “driving under the influence of cottage cheese.”
• He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.

The fighting philosophy of Bill Shankly

In an article from December 17 1968, now republished in The Guardian book of football, Eric Todd talks to the legendary Liverpool manager - a players' man who has always been 'daft about fitba'

Like the state of holy matrimony, an interview with Bill Shankly, manager of Liverpool, is not to be entered lightly. There is an element of chance about them both; in neither is the course of events predictable. Shankly has to be heard to be appreciated. Like Jim Sims, that much-loved slow bowler for Middlesex in years gone by, he expresses himself through the corner of his mouth. There the comparison ends. Sims favoured the confidential drawl, Shankly fires his words as if with a Gatling gun. And he does not often miss.

Thirty years have passed since my first sight of Shankly playing at Deepdale in the company of the Beatties (not related), the O'Donnells (brothers), Jimmy Milne, Jimmy Dougal and Harry Holdcroft, that most handsome of goalkeepers. Even in those days Shankly was a busy, fussy character who always played with his palms turned outwards, creating the remote illusion of a sailing ship striving for that little extra help from the wind.

"Naw, naw," protested Shankly, when I suggested that analogy. "It gave me strength. Did ye notice too that ah played on ma toes all the time? Like a ballet dancer? That gave me strength in ma calves, and ah've still got it. Preston was only a sma' place - Jim Taylor, the North End chairman, called us a village team - but it was a fine club who believed in modern methods. Ah lairned a great deal wi' Preston and ah've always tried tae pass on some o' those lessons.

"Ah was always daft about fitba'. Ah went tae Carlisle whan ah was 17 an' a half, moved tae Preston in 1933, an' finished pleyin' in 1949 when ah went tae Carlisle as their manager. They were a useful side but they hadnae a great deal o' ambition. But ah had. So when ah had the offer tae take over at Grimsby because they ware strugglin', ah went an' took less wages. Frae Grimsby ah went tae Workington, who were facin' extermination. They offered me a bonus if ah could save them. Ah got ma bonus. Then ah went as assistant tae Andy Beattie at Huddersfield an', when he left, ah took his place. Ah was made manager o' Liverpool in 1959 an' the rest you know. An' by the by, ah was never sacked in the whole o' ma life."

Shankly sipped his tea, long since cold, before he set off on a new theme. "People often ask me if ah ever made a mistake. Well, tae my mind 'mistake' is a misused word, especially in fitba'. For example, ye might say it was a mistake for a club tae buy such an' such a player but that is nae necessarily true. The player might not be able tae settle down or to fit in. He might no' suit his environment. Just bad luck. A fitballer's no' like a hat or a coat that you can leave at a shop if it doesna' fit or suit ye."

"Mind you, there are some managers ah've known who have gone about things the wrong way. The manager above all things should be solely responsible for the playing and training staffs and all tactics. He must be able tae coach and tae explain such basic things as how tae kick a ball and how tae pass it an' control it. In other words, he must know what he's talking about. What good is it tae go tae a golf professional for lessons if he disna' know the game? The same wi' a fitba' manager.

"Mind you, ah wouldna' say the best players make the best managers, although ah think that's been more the case in recent years - but a manager makes things so much harder for himself if he can't explain the game to his players. An' even that's only half the battle. Tae get the best out of his men, the manager has tae work tae a tactical plan they understand which need not necessarily be the one he'd like himself. For instance, at Liverpool we have Ian Callaghan and Peter Thompson, two of the best wingers in the game. They are as near tae the old orthodox wingers as there are, so why should they be used in any other way? It wouldn'a be fair for one thing. Natural ability is far too precious tae be messed about wi'."

"Before ah forget ah must just tell ye about Denis Law. When ah went tae Huddersfield, ah had charge o' the resairves, an' this wee boy o' 15 was one of them. Ye wouldna' hae thought so tae look at him but he had everything. He was fiery an' he was talented an' he was earmarked tae be a star. He was tae become one o' the greatest players ah ever set eyes on. Aye, he was that."

After this diversion Shankly picked up his management thread as if he had never left it. "As for me, if they're no' satisfied wi' me, they'll get rid o' me. We have a responsibility tae the people o' Liverpool. There was a great potential at Anfield when ah went there and ah like tae think ah have helped tae realise that potential. We have got tae try and maintain the high standard we have set, keepin' in line wi' other teams wi' ambition, an' mebbe winnin' the League Championship again. That would gi' us a record haul of eight league titles, one more than Manchester United and Arsenal."

Shankly is young enough to have expectations of seeing that day, successful enough to withstand those tribulations to which so many of his kind have succumbed, patient enough to go on making a living until he can retire and take Nessie, his long-suffering wife, on their first real holiday in 25 years. When they went to a football match during their honeymoon, Nessie had a hint of what was in store in the years ahead. "A wonderful, understanding woman," said Shankly, whose present idea of a holiday is to stay in bed until mid-morning.

He neither smokes nor drinks but sees no reason why others should not do so - in moderation - and he has a lively sense of humour, although he is not conscious of it. If he were asked to think of something funny, he would be a slow starter. He is, however, master of the "off the cuff" type of humour and frequently reduces his players and press conference to hysterics with asides he had meant to be taken seriously. The sayings of Shankly are as forthright and weighty as the sayings of Mao. In the streets around Anfield they are also much more respected.

Shankly is not impressed easily nor is he a willing subject for embarrassment. When he put through his own goal in Tom Finney's testimonial, he was no more remorseful than a lad caught pinching jam from the larder. Only once, perhaps, did he go close to blushing. He played in a game alongside Frank Soo of Stoke City and afterwards a Scottish selector among the crowd went up and put his arm round Shankly's shoulder. "Well done, Soo," he said. "You played a blinder." "He thought ah was the Chinese because of the way ma hair was cut," explains Shankly, and his chuckle is that of a corncrake in search of a mate.

I think it would be an exaggeration to say that Shankly is regarded generally as a "popular" manager - except at Anfield, where the Kop acknowledges him to be omnipotent. He is not as aloof as he used to be but he is not easy to know, not easy to draw out. His conversation, like the man himself, is fitful. He speaks in Morse, as it were. But for all that he is, and always has been, among the genuinely dedicated managers and his success as a player and as a manager has been achieved the hard way. He has in his time made mistakes over transfers - that is my view, not his - but he covered them up effectively. Above all, Shankly is a players' man who knows that if he fights for them, they will fight for him. It seems a sound philosophy.

The Duke of Wellington is reported to have made sure personally that his troops - who did most of the work - had comfortable billets. Shankly subscribes to the same principles and now squeezes the duties of accommodation inspector into his already congested schedule.

Before I left him, Shankly summoned the manager of a hotel and gave him his instructions. "There'll be, eh, 17, in the party," he said. "So, eh, that'll be 17 fillet steaks - ah'll let ye know how we want them done when we arrive - wi' chips. For afterwards, eh, there'll be 17 fresh fruit salads an' fresh cream. Right? Then for breakfast, eh ..." A players' man indeed.

thanks to www.guardian.co.uk/football/2008/jul/28/liverpool

RONALDO TO STAR IN REMAKE OF 'ROOTS'

FOOTBALLER Cristiano Ronaldo is being lined up to star in a multi-million dollar remake of the epic TV series Roots.

Producers say the star's treatment at the hands of Manchester United make him the perfect choice to portray the young African slave who is beaten by his brutal masters.

The Portuguese winger said he had been traumatised by 'outrageous' demands that he honour the £125,000 a week, legally-binding contract, which has brought him only, misery, adulation and Gemma Atkinson.

Speaking from the titanium gazebo in the rose garden of his 31-room mansion, Ronaldo said: "I feel I can relate to the suffering of African slaves.

"If anything, it is worse, because footballers cannot sing while we work, whereas they had time to develop gospel music during their 16-hours shifts before dropping dead from exhaustion."

In the series a young African boy is dragged from his homeland and shipped to America where he is forced to work in the fields by a cruel and violent plantation owner.

"The similarities are uncanny, though admittedly, the Lear Jet that flew me from Lisbon to Manchester wasn't packed with 150 other players sleeping head-to-toe."

Ronaldo also conceded that, while the slave-master in Roots administered brutal beatings, Man Utd boss Sir Alex Ferguson had nurtured his talent, lavished him with praise and turned him into one of the best footballers in the world.

"But without the freedom to do whatever I want, wherever I want, for whatever fee I want, I am exactly the same as a cotton picker forced to live in a shed, dying at the age of 32."

He added: "I know the people will love my acting. Already, in the streets, I hear many of them calling me 'Kunta'."

HILL FROM HELL

Thanks to Mike Molloy

15 YEAR OLD IS THE NEW JOHNNY CASH

Discovered singing on a Seattle street, Vince Mira, 15, is a somewhat shy kid who looks uncomfortable during a TV interview. But when he steps up to the microphone to sing Johnny Cash's classic "Ring of Fire," the result is downright spooky. He performs the song on Ellen Degeneres show




and here is another one

DO MOBILE PHONES GIVE OFF RADIATION?..... WHAT DO YOU THINK

COPY CARS FROM CHINA... IT HAD TO HAPPEN

BMW 7 Series vs. BYD F6

Mercedes C-Class vs. Geely Merrie 300

Vauxhall (Opel) Frontera vs. Landwind

European Smart vs. Chinese Smart

Toyota Logo vs. Geely Logo

OUCH

No Running in the House!

How many times have we been told...and told our children NOT to run in the house? Did we always listen? Do they listen? Not always.
Sometimes our seemingly futile efforts fail, and 'boo-boo's' happen.
Here is a little feller who didn't listen, and he got his own souvenir scars. Perhaps he'll learn from his mistake.

Doesn't look SO bad. Perhaps he should keep this next photo handy
to explain the way it happened - - - -
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AUSSIE HUMOUR