Ninja!

Monday, October 22, 2007

BEAUTY IS NOT FOREVER

Brigitte Bardot

It's interesting (even shocking in a way) to see the physical difference between Brigitte, the sex kitten of the 1950s and 60s, and Brigitte, the 73-year-old animal rights activist. A reminder that aging is life's equalizer. It's something we all face, so we might as well do something productive and meaningful with our lives, because that's what really counts. I admire her gumption--she has always shunned plastic surgery and for many years she's poured her energy into challenging governments to acknowledge the rights of animals.


Thursday, October 18, 2007

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

WHAT SEPERATES MAN FROM ANIMALS?

CLICK TO ENLARGE

SONG FOR DIANA

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THANKS TO /www.b3ta.com/users/profile.php?id=44577

WORST SLOGAN TRANSLATIONS IN HISTORY

13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” The company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”


12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: “Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux.”


11) Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “Manure Stick.”


10) Coors put its slogan, “Turn It Loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer From Diarrhea.”


9) Pepsi’s “Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave” in Chinese.


8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.


7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.


6) Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken,” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”


5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its “Fly In Leather” campaign literally, which meant “Fly Naked” (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.


4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I Saw the Potato” (la papa).


3) The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read “Are You Lactating?”


2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. “No va” in Spanish means, “It Doesn’t Go”.


1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Kekoukela”, meaning “Bite the Wax Tadpole” or “Female Horse Stuffed with Wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “kokoukole”, translating into “Happiness in the Mouth.”

SEX IN DANGEROUS PLACES


Tuesday, October 09, 2007

HONESTY IN ADVERTISING

HOLY WATER

Once upon a time there were four older ladies that lived in Italy....
They always sat outside and chatted about when they were younger....
One day they pooled their money together and bought a laptop computer...


They always wanted to see what Florida was about and they just happened to click on St. Augustine, FL. and they read about the "Fountain of Youth" that was there...
They saved up all they could and sent for four bottles of the magic water....
As soon as it arrived, they drank as much as they could....
The rest of this story will make you a believer because here they are today....


No, this is really TRUE! Really!

DON'T CRASH THE CAR WHEN YOU ARE CARRYING PAINT..


THE DIANA JURY

DIANA JURY TO SPEND WEEK IN LEOPARD PRINT SWIMSUIT

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The having it off venue

THE jury hearing the inquest into the murder of Princess Diana by MI6 is to spend the rest of the week diving off a yacht on the Cote d’Azur while wearing a leopard print swimsuit.

It will spend Friday night roaring along the Cannes sea front in an open top sports car to the restaurant Le Caprice where it will dine on lobster and caviar before later having it off with an Egyptian gentleman, also on a yacht.

At the weekend the jury’s focus will switch to Africa where it will cuddle some AIDS orphans while wearing too much eye make-up and then make some naïve comments about land mines.

A spokesman for the coroner said that adopting Diana’s lifestyle would give the jury an intuitive understanding of why it was Prince Phillip had ordered her death at the hands of the secret service. “Her spirit will reveal the truth,” he said.

“I think he was driven to do it by her doing that looking up through the fringe thing all the time. Hair loss often drives men insane. I can’t believe it was just for shagging Egyptians. Even if he is Greek,” he added.

After returning from Africa the jury is scheduled to do a photo-shoot with Mario Testino and then spend four hours a day on the phone to the Daily Mail boring its reporters rigid.

Once back in London the entire jury will undergo colonic irrigation and have an affair with Will Carling. It will also smuggle heart surgeons into its private apartments in the boot of its car.

Finally, the jury will be driven at high speed into the 13th pillar of the Pont de l’Alma tunnel by a drunk and suicidal double agent after first having their seatbelts unfastened by Sir John Scarlett, head of MI6, using his laser guided seatbelt undoing machine.

“If they still don’t get the message I suppose we will just have to give them the secret Cabinet papers setting out the whole plan,” the coroner’s spokesman said.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Thursday, October 04, 2007

DRAWINGS FOR DIRTY MINDS

QUICKIES

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1. I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought I thought- "That's Abbariginal"



2. I told my girlfriend that I had got a job in a Bowling Alley. She said "Tenpin". I said "No-permanent"


3. I went to a pet shop and asked "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said "Do you want an aquarium?" I said "I don't care what star sign it is"


4. I was at a garden centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagon with no driver.


5. I bought some Armageddon cheese the other day. It said on the packet "Best before end".


6. I went into Currys the other day and asked "Can someone sell me a kettle?" The bloke said "Kenwood". I said "Where is he then?"


7. My mate is in love with two school-bags. He's bi-satchel.


8. I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.


9. The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I would'nt do it if you paid me".


10. I told my mum that I had just opened a theatre. She said "Are you having me on?" I said "Well I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything".


11. This cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says "Audi"


12.I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said "Nearest the bull goes first". He went "Baah", I went "Moo". He said "You're nearest, you start".


13. I bought a train ticket to France the other day and the ticket seller said "Eurostar?" I said "Well I've been on telly once but I'm no Frank Sinatra"


14. I phoned the local gym and asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. The guy said "How flexible are you?" I said "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays"


15. I went to the local video shop and asked the guy "Can I take out the Elephant Man?" He said "He's not your type". I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever". He said "No-you'll have to bring it back tomorrow".

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

LAST SUPPER TRICK

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Monday, October 01, 2007

10 WEIRDEST DISEASES IN THE WORLD

1?Elephantiasis: grossly enlarged members

Lymphatic filariasis, also known as elephantiasis, is best known from dramatic photos of people with grossly enlarged or swollen arms and legs. The disease is caused by parasitic worms, including Wuchereria bancrofti, Brugia malayi, and B. timori, all transmitted by mosquitoes. Lymphatic filariasis currently affects 120 million people worldwide, and 40 million of these people have serious disease. When an infected female mosquito bites a person, she may inject the worm larvae, called microfilariae, into the blood. The microfilariae reproduce and spread throughout the bloodstream, where they can live for many years. Often disease symptoms do not appear until years after infection. As the parasites accumulate in the blood vessels, they can restrict circulation and cause fluid to build up in surrounding tissues. The most common, visible signs of infection are excessively enlarged arms, legs, genitalia, and breasts.
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2、Progeria: the 80-Year-Old Children

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Progeria is caused by a single tiny defect in a child’s genetic code, but it has devastating and life-changing consequences. On average, a child born with this disease will be dead by the age of 13. As they see their bodies fast forward through the normal process of ageing they develop striking physical symptoms, often including premature baldness, heart disease, thinning bones and arthritis. Progeria is extremely rare, there are only around 48 people living with it in the whole world. However, there is a family that has five children with the disease.

3、Werewolf Syndrome: the wolf people

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When two year-old Abys DeJesus grew dark, hairy patches on her face, doctors said she has a condition known as Human Werewolf Syndrome. The disease is called werewolf syndrome because people with it look like werewolves - except without the sharp teeth and claws. In Mexico, a large family of men had hair that covered their faces and upper bodies. Two brothers were even offered a part in the X-Files but they turned down the offer.

4、Blue Skin Disorder: the blue people

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A large family simply known as the “blue people” lived in the hills around Troublesome Creek in Kentucky until the 1960s. They were the blue Fugates. Most of them lived past the age of 80, with no serious illness - just blue skin. The trait was passed on from generation to generation. People with this condition have blue, plum, indigo or almost purple skin.

5、Pica: the urge to eat non-food substances

People diagnosed with Pica have an insatiable urge to eat non-food substances like dirt, paper, glue and clay. Though it is believed to be linked with mineral deficiency, health experts have found no real cause and no cure for this disorder.

6、Vampire Disease: pain from the sun

There are people out there who go to great lengths to avoid the sun. If they are caught in the sun, their skin will blister. Some of them have pain and blistering as soon as the sun touches their skin. Ok, so they’re not actually vampires. They don’t drink blood and sleep in coffins, but they do suffer from a rare disease that has vampire-like symptoms.

7、Alice in Wonderland syndrome: time, space and body image are distorted

Alice in Wonderland syndrome (AIWS), or micropsia, is a disorienting neurological condition which affects human visual perception. Subjects perceive humans, parts of humans, animals, and inanimate objects as substantially smaller than in reality. Generally, the object perceived appears far away or extremely close at the same time. For example, a family pet, such as a dog, may appear the size of a mouse, or a normal car may look shrunk to scale. This leads to another name for the condition, Lilliput sight or Lilliputian hallucinations, named after the small people in Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels. The condition is in terms of perception only; the mechanics of the eye are not affected, only the brain’s interpretation of information passed from the eyes.

8、Blaschko’s lines: strange stripes all over the body

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Blaschko’s lines are an extremely rare and unexplained phenomenon of human anatomy first presented in 1901 by German dermatologist Alfred Blaschko. Neither a specific disease nor a predictable symptom of a disease, Blaschko’s lines are an invisible pattern built into human DNA. Many inherited and acquired diseases of the skin or mucosa manifest themselves according to these patterns, creating the visual appearance of stripes. The cause of the stripes is thought to result from mosaicism; they do not correspond to nervous, muscular, or lymphatic systems. What makes them more remarkable is that they correspond quite closely from patient to patient, usually forming a “V” shape over the spine and “S” shapes over the chest, stomach, and sides.

9、Walking Corpse Syndrome: they believe to have died

It is a syndrome of mental depression and suicidal tendencies, in which the patient complains of having lost everything: possessions, part of or entire body, often believing that he or she has died and is a walking corpse. This delusion is usually expanded to the degree that the patient might claim that he can smell his own rotting flesh and feel worms crawling through his skin. The latter phenomenon is a recurring experience of people chronically deprived of sleep or suffering amphetamine/cocaine psychosis. Paradoxically, being “dead” often gives the patient the nation of being immortal.

10、Jumping frenchman disorder: weird reflexes

The main characteristic is that patients are extremely startled by an unexpected noise or sight. It’s not just twitching when someone sneaks up behind you. Patients with this disorder flail their arms, cry out and repeat words. First identified in some of Maine’s lumberjacks of French-Canadian origin, the odd reflex has been identified in other parts of the world, too.

Friday, September 28, 2007

SCARY CAT

3D SWIMMING POOLS

WHY HAVE A BORING SWIMMING POOL, WHEN WITH A LITTLE IMAGINATION YOU CAN HAVE THE MOSAIC GUYS GIVE YOU SOMETHING SPECIAL.



Thursday, September 27, 2007

UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

ASK MRS NORTY....

Dear Mrs. Norty

I love my boyfriends very much, but all is not well in the bedroom department. One of them suffers from premature ejaculation, three of them have problems sustaining an erection, while two more can’t even get it up in the first place. Another has the tiniest winkie I have ever seen and the other six are basically just crap in bed. In fact my husband is just about the only one who can get off the starting grid without going all floppy or spilling all his man chowder on the carpet. Unfortunately, he is away every other fortnight working on the rigs. What am I to do?
Frankly pissed off,
Farnham

Mrs. Norty says: Dear Frankly,
What a sorry tale, and one that gives a whole new meaning to the phrase: two weeks on, two weeks off. Having said that, I understand your frustration: there seems little point in having a stream of gentleman callers during your husband’s absence if not a single one of them can flame grill your fur burger, so to speak. Bu,t what to do? Instructing them all in the art of lovemaking would be terribly time consuming, but I would not advise getting them around for a group training session unless you put down some plastic sheeting first. I suppose you could try going without for a couple of weeks while hubby is away, but that does seem a pretty drastic option, and most definitely a last resort. I see you have limited yourself to 13 illicit lovers. Perhaps you are being a bit too picky. Play the field a bit more like any normal married woman and I am sure you’ll eventually come across one hunk who will really get your roast beef sizzling. Good luck!

Dear Mrs. Norty

I am a 16 year-old lad and I think I am becoming confused about my sexuality, although I can’t say for sure. For some years now I have been binge-wanking over the ladies girdle section of my mum’s Freeman’s catalogue. However, while playing the fleshy clarinet with some gusto last week I turned the pages so quickly that, before I knew it, I had run out of ladies and so ‘accidentally’ loosed off my love porridge all over a man in some pale blue Y-fronts; and I was not sick afterwards. I also read the other day that chafing causes gayness, although it could be the other way around. Anyway, I have a small red patch at the top of my right leg. Am I gay, or are my trousers too tight for cycling?
Confused,
Cumbernauld.

Mrs. Norty: Dear Confused,
It is often said that most young men of your age will go through a phase at which they are unsure of their sexuality and fear they might turn out to be demented perverts. Utter rubbish! Most lads of your age are perfectly normal and healthy and have no interest in fiddling with the parts of their fellow men. Yuk. Indeed, even by your tender age a huge number are experienced lovers capable of showing the divorced older woman what she was missing all those years she spent murmuring words of encouragement to the now, thankfully departed, Mr Floppy. It should not be too hard to work out if you are a sexual deviant or not. Have you ever been to see the Wizard of Oz or the Sound of Music while wearing a dress? Do your hands flop forward at the wrist? Do you enjoy ball games? Do you like cock? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the above you are definitely a degenerate sex fiend, although you might just be a member of the local rugby team.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

JOSE AND ALEX



In the bathroom yesterday morning, I heard my left testicle chatting away. Jose is the best manager in history. A minute later, the right one joined in. No he’s not Alex Ferguson is. Concerned, I went straight to my doctor. He listened to them for a moment and said I had nothing to worry about, they were just talking bollocks.

Monday, September 24, 2007

FUNNY QUOTES





Tuesday, September 18, 2007

MY KIND OF POLICE FORCE

Florida’s got it right. Bravo for Sheriff Judd!!!
A good answer.
As reported earlier this week, some dirtbag who got pulled over
in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up “executing”
the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times,
including once behind his right ear at close range.
Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A statewide manhunt ensued.
The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun.
SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.
Now here’s the kicker:
Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times.
Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel -
“That’s all the bullets we had.”
(Talk about an all time classic answer!!!)

HOLIDAY IN AUSTRALIA

Oh my God!!!!

READ THE TEXT FIRST

then look at the pick…….

Family on holiday in Australia for a week and a half when husband, wife and their 15 year old son decided to go scuba diving. The husband is in the navy and has had some scuba experience. His son wanted a pic of his mum and dad in all their gear so got the
underwater camera on the go. When it came to taking the pic the dad realized that the son look like he was panicking as he took it and the “OK” hand sign to see if he was alright.The son took the pic and swam to the surface and back to the boat as quick as he could so the mum and dad followed to see if he was OK.they got back to him he was scrambling onto the boat and absolutely shitting himself. When the parents asked why he said “there was a shark behind you” the dad thought he was joking but the skipper of the boat said it was true and that they wouldn’t believe him if he told them what it was. As soon as they got back to the hotel they put the pic onto the laptop this is what they saw.
Try and tell me you wouldn’t have emptied your entire digestive right at the point you saw it and would you have stayed to take the picture??

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CORRECT PARKERS NEAR EXTINCTION.....

DRIVERS who can position their car in the middle of a parking space at a supermarket are sliding closer to extinction, conservationists have warned.

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Yet another symptom of climate change? Or is he just an unspeakable bastard who deserves to die?
Research teams have recorded a sharp decline in numbers over the last decade, despite strenuous efforts to educate the public about how easy it is to just put your fucking car in the middle of a parking space.

Dr Tom Logan, head of species protection at the WWF, said: "There is a series of white lines separated by spaces roughly the same width as a car, plus a little bit more. Let's think of that as the first Great Big Fucking Clue shall we?

"As we approach, we then have to ask ourselves: 'do I park on the white line, do I straddle the white line or do I get my huge, chocolate-covered face out of my fat, greedy, unwashed arse and just put the fucking car in the middle of the fucking space?'"

Conservationists have blamed the crisis on a combination of poaching, loss of habitat and an unbelievable fucking selfishness by a bunch of total and complete bastards who deserve to die on a spike.

"There are now less than 50 people in the UK who are able to do this," said Dr Logan. "That's not just a tragedy for our planet, it's doing my fucking head in every time I go to Homebase."

WWF warned that drivers who can park in the middle of a space will soon share the fate of people who knew not to park four feet from the fucking kerb, extinct since 1993.

Dr Logan added: "A fucking mountain gorilla could do this with its fucking eyes shut, but for some reason the average British motorist seems to think every car park in the world was made just for them.

"Or maybe they've heard that if they park on the white line Graham fucking Norton is going to jump out from behind a bottle-bank and send them on holiday to Orlando.

"Anyway, the point is we need more money."

Friday, September 14, 2007

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

THE FEMALE DEMERIT SYSTEM... A GUIDE

Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the system is set up.
Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed. (+1)
* You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
* You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5) In the rain. (+8) But return with Beer. (-5)
* You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
* You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)
* It's her pet. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a college buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has silicone implants. (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner.. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2) And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2) It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter; you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
[Yes, you lose points no matter what]
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes.(+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

WISH ENGLAND WAS AUSTRALIA.....

ELVIS LOVES HIS MEAT

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PAVAROTTI JOKES



Ive had a phone call from the Pavarotti family so I got to work....
I bought a sheet of wood £5.65, glue £1.90, screws £1.50 and some varnish 80p...
You see you can make a coffin for a tenor.......



Ive just been on Ebay and there floggin two Pavarotti tickets for a tenor.....



Following the death of Pavarotti the three tenors will now be known as twenty quid....


I can sympathise with the Italians after the death of Pavorotti
I know what it's like to lose a tenner...


His wife phoned the undertaker & said "can you do a funeral for a tenor"
The undertaker hung up.............



They have ordered an extra large funeral car for Pavoritti....
It's the Nissan Dorma....


What is Pavarotti's wife getting for Christmas?
A smaller turkey...

BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL..... HONEST!!

CLICK TO ENLARGE




BOYS DON'T MAKE PASSES AT GIRLS WHO WEAR GLASSES....WONDER WHY?

CLICK TO ENLARGE




Monday, September 10, 2007

NEVER FIGHT OVER THE REMOTE CONTROL AGAIN...

CLICK PICTURES TO ENLARGE




ASK MRS.NORTY....

Dear Mrs Norty,

I go out drinking with my girl pals every night after work. We tend to get really hammered down the pub and afterwards pick up blokes in town before heading off for a quick knee trembler in the nearest alleyway. Most times I get a bit of a seeing too from some bloke and a free kebab, which normally lasts longer than he does. I don’t like to speak with my mouthful, as it is unladylike, so when they finish before I’m through with my donner I usually don’t get their names. Do you have any tips on how to get chilli sauce stains out of your crop top?

Hot stuff,

Haddington

Mrs Norty says

Is that what modern womanhood has come too? Quick sex with a different stranger every night in some filthy back alley? Sounds fantastic. Back in my day we had commitment and marriage, and quick sex with the same man every night in the same bloody position in the same boring old bedroom. So all that campaigning in the Seventies was not wasted after all. Try Vanish.

I HAVE embarked on an illicit affair with my boss Simon at work. He is married and though he says he loves me I think he is just kidding on. He won’t meet me outside the office, our few snatched moments together take place in the stationary cupboard where it’s a quick knee trembler then back to our desks. My friends say he is just using me for sex. I wrote to Trinny and Susanna and they agreed and told me dump him, but only after first slamming his bollocks in the cupboard door at our next little tryst. Have you got any better advice? The shaggin' is just out of this world!

Orgasmic,
Ormiston

Mrs Norty says,

Thanks for finally getting round to writing to me, although judging by the shocking state of your handwriting this one was knocked off extremely quickly in the stationary cupboard, much like yourself. Slam the door on his nadgers? What kind of advice is that from professional agony aunts? That whole bollock door slam routine went out with the ark. Go round to his house, cut the crotch out of all his trousers and paint “Simon shags secretaries” on the wall in the living room. Torch his car in the drive and post a picture of his pathetic privates on the internet. Is that what you wanted to hear? No? Well, try writing to me first in future. In the meantime try Dear Deirdre. She’s just happy to get any letters at all.


GLASGOWS BID

HE encapsulates modern Glasgow and extends a warm Scottish welcome to the world: He's Mungo the Shit-Faced Octopus.

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Mungo the Shit-Faced Octopus
Glasgow City Council yesterday unveiled the £1.2 million logo which they hope will charm and excite the Commonwealth Games selection committee.

"Ten years ago we might have gone for a little Scottie dog or even a cheeky wee haggis," said a council spokesman.

"The fact that we've chosen a shit-faced octopus shows just how much Glasgow has embraced the 21st Century."

Wayne Hayes, of design company Conceptomatix, explained the thinking behind the new brand.

"He's called Mungo, because Mungo is the name of our managing director.

"He's blue because of Glasgow's proud maritime tradition. He's under water because for millions of years the Glasgow area was completely submerged. He has eight legs because he's an octopus. And he's shit-faced because he's a Glaswegian octopus."

Conceptomatix is one of the UK's hottest young design agencies. Last year only 38% of their logo designs led to fits and seizures by members of the public.

The Nigerian capital Abuja, Glasgow's rival for the 2014 Games, unveiled its mascot last week. The city is pinning its hopes on 'Pipey', a six foot stretch of the Nigerian State Oil Corporation pipeline.

CONVERT ANYTHING

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