Linda May fainted and Billy Joe called 911. The 911 operator said that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. And Billy Joe replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Street." The 911 operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Billy Joe said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?"
An Irish bloke went to the doctor and complained, "Doctor, it's me bum. I'd loik ya ta take a look, if ya wood." So the doctor got him to drop his pants and took a look. "Incredible," he said, "there is a £20 note lodged up here" Tentatively, he eased the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appeared. "This is amazing," exclaimed the doctor. "What do you want me to do?" "Well fer goodness sake; take it out, man," shrieked the patient. The doctor pulled out the tenner and another twenty appeared, and another and another etc. etc... Finally, the last note came out and no more appeared. "Ah, Doctor, tank ya kindly, dat's much better. How much is dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath." "That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband?" asked the model? "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," said the model. "Now that's being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight." That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes. Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself." The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass. Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" "Just to show you the difference.” answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times." "Yes," said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said,
"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin. Any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach
in tight, white shorts.
But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos, on being the only company smart enough, to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll
be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills'. Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
Seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill
just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken
chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which, brings me to
the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an
Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these
words:
'HAVE A HAPPY PERIOD.'
Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin And Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap
A moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
Something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular
Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?
Two Irishmen walking past a Police Station. A big poster at the front reads "Two Blackmen wanted for rape!" Paddy turns to Mick and says "Dem Fokkers always get the best jobs".
How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?Easy...You just ring them up and tell them you can't come.
A couple were engaged in foreplay when the woman asked, "Why don't you make my pussy talk?" "How do I do that?" asked her partner. "Put a tongue in it."
Every morning for the last week, I’ve opened the curtains just as a German Shepherd has been having a shit on my front lawn. But this morning took the biscuit, he’s only brought his dog and two of his sheep with him.
My friend gave up drinking, smoking and sex. He was a real health nut,
right up to the day he committed suicide.
Marriage has to be a woman’s idea, can you imagine a man all those years ago saying, “I know lets get married, I won’t sleep with anyone else, and if I do, or it doesn’t work out. I have to give you half my things”.
My last vet’s bill was so expensive, $3,000. When the receptionist told me the price, I went into a state of shock. One of the other customers asked me what happened.
I said “apparently, my dog bought a car after I dropped him off”.
Is it me, or does Peacekeeper missile sound like Paedophile babysitter.
Jock McTavish was up in court for buggerin' his cat...The case was dismissed cos the judge refused to believe that a Scotsman would put anything into a fucking kitty!
Went to see the nurse for a check up and she says you’ll have to stop wanking,
I say why is it damaging my health?
She says no I’m trying to examine you!
I've just bought a racehorse called 'my face'. I'm going to enter it on ladies day at Ascot. Just imagine all those woman shouting 'cum on my face'
Charles 'The Ponz' Ponzi is, quite simply, one of the greatest swindlers in American history. The originator and copyright holder of the pièce de résistance of his career, the "Ponzi Scheme," Ponzi also boasted old-timey movie star looks and a smirk that could charm the pants off of the Pope.
Much like Vito Corleone, Ponzi came to America as an impoverished Italian immigrant. Also like Vito Corleone, Ponzi decided early in the game that his many talents should not be squandered working in a opium pipe-making factory, or wherever they sent the Italians to work back then. Keep in mind that the man had already served time in Canada, hiding it from his family by telling them he had gotten a job there. Once he was out and in the states, he created his own little plan for living the good life.
The deal was, back then you could get these coupons that could be redeemed for stamps in other countries. Ponzi noticed that back in Italy these coupons cost way less than the stamps in America. So, he figured it was still 1918 and there were a lot of retarded people around, and that he could buy like a billion of those coupons in Italy and then redeem them for the stamps here. He made 400 percent profit on each transaction, and didn't produce a damned thing.
Ponzi thought, well, shit, why isn't everybody doing this? So this smooth operator convinced thousands of people to invest in his totally legit business, the Securities Exchange Company, and by 1920 was making $250,000 a day.
Audacity Factor: Remember those coupons Ponzi was supposed to be buying with all this investor money? Yeah, he wasn't. There wasn't even a thousandth as many of the coupons in existence as the investors had given him the money to buy. He was basically just taking the investor's money, piling it up and swimming around in it like Scrooge McDuck. It was estimated that millions of dollars had passed through his hands and he had nothing to show for them but his awesome mustache.
Still, when an angry crowd of investors gathered outside his office, he walked right out there, smiled, gave them some money and offered coffee. That's the kind of guy he was.
He was eventually sentenced to prison, at which point he jumped bail, moved to Florida and went right back to scamming. When the cops came for him, he changed his appearance, stowed away on a boat and tried to leave the country. Finally, he got caught and went to jail.
The thing is, before that whole mess, Ponzi had come up with another idea. Back in 1918 he had tried to publish this book of business listings, where the businesses would pay to get listed and then people would use the listing to decide where to shop. Everyone told him the idea was retarded and he dropped it, plunging into a life of fraud instead. Later, somebody else would get rich on a thing called "The Yellow Pages."
#4.
Benny Hinn
For you poor unfortunates uneducated in the ways of evangelical fundamentalism, Benny Hinn may be off your radar. Which is too bad. Because Benny Hinn is king of the Muppet-Showesque monstrosities known as faith healers. He's so good, that he makes you forget about their supposed real king, What's His Name of Nazareth. "So what?," you may ask. "So he's a faith-healing evangelical--I've got dozens of those under my bed. What's the big deal?"
Mr. Hinn has built his ministry on a few tenets. One is his gift of prophecy. Here are just a few of his better known predictions:
God will kill all the homosexuals by fire; Castro will die in the 1990s; An earthquake would destroy the American east coast, also in the 1990s; JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF was going to make a personal appearance at Hinn's African crusade.
Needless to say, Jesus had a great deal going on that day and couldn't make it. Followers have still donated millions to Hinn, who lives in a $10 million house and drives a Mercedes SUV. Apparently there's, like, some kind of law against asking people to donate money to God and then buying bling with it instead, because the Senate Committee on Finance launched an investigation late last year. If they have hearings it'll be interesting to see if Jesus makes an appearance.
It takes a special kind of guy to make this list. False prophesies and wicked combovers just aren't going to cut it. But Hinn is no ordinary minion of Satan. As you can see, Hinn performs his miracles by slapping old people to the ground, and then apparently doing a Jedi force-push against those who come to their aid. Fat people, tiny deaf orphan children, epileptic mulleted types, anyone is fair game for the wrath of Hinn, who then swaggers around those passed out fools like Ali demanding a rematch.
Audacity Factor: In 2006 this pimp sent out this letter to his followers:
... we have recently taken delivery on our Gulfstream G4SP plane, which we call Dove One. I have enclosed a beautiful photo-filled brochure to explain more about this incredible ministry tool that will increase the scope of our abilities to preach the Gospel around the globe. Now we must pay the remainder of the down payment, and I am asking the Lord Jesus to speak to 6,000 of my precious partners to sow a seed of $1,000 in the next ninety days. And I am praying, even as I write this letter, that you will be one of them!
Walking may have been good enough for Jesus Christ, but it's not good enough for Benny Hinn. Somebody, please, buy this man a Dove One. Better yet, go ahead and purchase him a yacht, a subway line, the Orient Express, some rickshaws and a few of those elephants domesticated for human transportation. ANYTHING to get his egregious face-slapping ministry to the people.
Hell, maybe he's not a con man after all. Watch that video, the man's worth every penny.
#3.
The Fox Sisters
Don't let the sexy name fool you. Kate, Margaret and Leah Fox were leading proponents of the Spiritualist Movement of the Nineteenth Century, their primary qualification for that job being that they were completely full of shit.
The younger two, Kate and Margaret, were only 10 and 12 when they convinced their idiot parents they could talk with a household ghost through a system of knocks and raps. The girls would snap their fingers and the ghosts would respond, much to the amazement of all the dumbasses who populated the world in the 19th century.
By the time big sister Leah got in the act, the three tricky Foxs had earned an international reputation as ghost-talkers and were making epic amounts of bucks with their other-worldly seances. Unfortunately, the sisters also gained a thirst for the hooch in their old age and were eventually exposed as fraudulent drunks who were using their toes to simulate the sounds from the great beyond, a trick that, in retrospect, doesn't seem it should have fooled the family dog.
Audacity Factor: Knuckle cracking? Really? Anyone who makes their living by popping appendages and is not a prostitute, side-show freak or chiropractor, deserves some mad props. And they didn't just say, "Hey y'all? You hear that? I bet the house is settling or something." No. These girls went through the trouble of creating a systematic knuckle cracking language to communicate with their pretend spirits ... and kept it up for almost 40 freaking years. A scientist (William Crookes) studied the sisters and declared them to be the real deal.
Well, we at Cracked have studied the people in the 19th century and declared them all to be mildly retarded.
One of the sisters eventually came clean when a reporter offered them $1,500 in beer money to spill the secret. The money was quickly pissed away and all three of the sisters died in poverty and were buried in pauper's graves. Even Charles Dickens couldn't have imagined a better ending for the Fox Sisters.
#2.
Gregor MacGregor
Gregor MacGregor made his fortune and reputation in the early 1800s when he convinced hundreds of investors that he was the prince of the fictional country of Poyois. Not only did Gregor MacGregor gain the trust and hard-earned pounds of his eager would-be colonists, he also created a guidebook detailing the geography and abundant natural resources of his island off the coast of Honduras.
By the time his 250 investors had sailed to the vacant patch of water where their island should have been, MacGregor was already rounding up his next group of colonists, this time from France. Undeterred by the eventual deaths of 200 of his first settlers, MacGregor went through the trouble of drafting a Poyois constitution naming himself as head of the republic. Even after his trial and conviction for fraud, this magnificent man continued selling non-existant land and stock to European nobility.
Audacity Factor: The real downfall of Jim Jones and Koresh and those Heaven's Gate fools was that they believed what they were peddling. Not Prince Gregor MacRadical. After the few survivors made it back from their boat trip to nowhere, most still couldn't believe MacGregor had lied to them, standing up for him in the papers and basically blaming the island for not being there. They simply could not comprehend that any one man could have balls that huge. They were wrong.
#1.
Frank Abagnale
By the age today's emo kids are tripping over their first curbs on account of the hair in their eyes and the loss of circulation from their too-tight pants, Mr. Abagnale had collected over $40,000 from various banks across New York City. By the time some of you were hoping to unlatch your first bra, and for most of you, much much sooner, the man had faked his way as a university professor, lawyer, pilot and doctor. Pretty much all the occupations Cracked writers and readers are barred from entering.
By the time you and I were sleeping through our summers at home from college, whining about how boring our hometowns were and "Why can't you stay off my case, I'M ON VACATION," Frank Abagnale had already been caught by French police, served jail time in France and Sweden, was extradited to the United States, escaped from a moving damned airplane and nearly orchestrated a perfect getaway.
That's the sort of thing that inspires Hollywood to make movies about you, starring Leo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks.
Audacity Factor: Once Abagnale was imprisoned, he convinced his guards that he was actually an undercover prison inspector and that he needed the privilege of having an unsupervised meeting with his FBI agent contact. Yeah, they bought it.
After finally serving five years in prison, Abagnale was released if he cooperated with the government in detecting fraud. Not one to miss a golden opportunity, he turned his specialized knowledge into a legitimate money-making machine, opening a wildly successful fraud consultation business.
This one has a happy ending: as once his businesses took off, he used his honestly-earned millions to repay those he defrauded over the years. Of course, there's always the chance that this whole phase of his life is also a scam somehow, one so convoluted that the world won't figure it out until Abagnale is leaving orbit in a spaceship full of all of the world's gold.
Frane Selak Escaped from a derailed train, a door-less plane, a bus crash, a car into flames, another 2 car accidents... but then won $1,000,000 dollars on the lottery!
Frane Selak (born 1929) is a Croatian music teacher famous for his numerous escapes from fatal accidents:
In January, 1962, Selak was traveling via train from Sarajevo to Dubrovnik. However, the train had suddenly derailed and plunged into an icy river, killing 17 passengers. Selak managed to escape, and only suffered a broken arm and minor scrapes and bruises.
The following year, while traveling from Zagreb to Rijeka when the door blew away from the cockpit, forcing him out of the plane. Although 19 others were killed, he suffered only minor injuries and had miraculously landed in a haystack.
In 1966, he was riding on a bus that crashed and plunged into a river. Four others were killed, but Selak managed to escape unharmed.
In 1970, he managed to escape before a faulty fuel pump engulfed his car into flames.
In 1973, another of Selak's cars caught fire, forcing fire through the air vents. He suffered no injuries save the loss of most of his hair.
In 1995, he was hit by a city bus, but once again suffered minor injuries.
In 1996 he escaped when he drove off a cliff to escape an oncoming truck. He managed to land in a tree, and watched as his car exploded 300 feet below him.
In 2003 he won $1,000,000 dollars in the Croatian lottery, and had stated that "I know God was watching me over all these years." He has reputedly refused to fly to Australia to air on a Doritos commercial, saying he "didn't want to test his luck."[2]
He has said that he can either be looked as "the world's unluckiest man, or the world's luckiest man," and prefers the latter.
John Lyne Suffered 16 major accidents in his life. As a teen, he felt from a tree; on his way back from hospital, his bus crashed.
John Lyne could well be Britain's unluckiest man. 'Calamity John' has suffered 16 major accidents in his life, including lightning strikes, a rock-fall in a mine and three car crashes. 'I don't think there is any reason or explanation. Things could have been much worse and I could have died but it doesn't worry me too much.'
Mr Lyne's mishaps cover a lifetime and he has even been known to suffer two accidents at once. As a child, he fell off a horse and cart – only to be run over by a delivery van. When he was a teenager, he broke his arm falling from a tree. On his way back from hospital, his bus crashed, breaking the same arm in another place. The date, of course, was Friday the 13th.
William "Bud" Post won the lottery, but got sued by everyone and finally went broke and died
William "Bud" Post won $16.2 million in the Pennsylvania lottery in 1988 but now lives on his Social Security. "I wish it never happened. It was totally a nightmare," says Post.
A former girlfriend successfully sued him for a share of his winnings. It wasn't his only lawsuit. A brother was arrested for hiring a hit man to kill him, hoping to inherit a share of the winnings. Other siblings pestered him until he agreed to invest in a car business and a restaurant in Sarasota, Fla., - two ventures that brought no money back and further strained his relationship with his siblings. Post even spent time in jail for firing a gun over the head of a bill collector. Within a year, he was $1 million in debt.
Post admitted he was both careless and foolish, trying to please his family. He eventually declared bankruptcy. Now he lives quietly on $450 a month and food stamps. "I'm tired, I'm over 65 years old, and I just had a serious operation for a heart aneurysm. Lotteries don't mean (anything) to me," said Post. He died on Jan 15 of respiratory failure.
Major Summerford Struck by lightning... 4 times!
A British officer, Major Summerford, while fighting in the fields of Flanders in February 1918 was knocked off his horse by a flash of lightning and paralyzed from the waist down. Summerford retired and moved to Vancouver. One day in 1924, as he fished alongside a river, lightning hit the tree he was sitting under and paralyzed his right side. Two years later Summerford was sufficiently recovered that he was able to take walks in a local park. He was walking there one summer day in 1930 when a lightning bolt smashed into him, permanently paralyzing him. He died two years later. But lightning sought him out one last time. Four years later, during a storm, lightning struck a cemetery and destroyed a tombstone. The deceased buried here? Major Summerford.
Henry Ziegland Killed by a very persistent bullet
Henry Ziegland thought he had dodged fate. In 1883, he broke off a relationship with his girlfriend who, out of distress, committed suicide. The girl's brother was so enraged that he hunted down Ziegland and shot him. The brother, believing he had killed Ziegland, then turned his gun on himself and took his own life. But Ziegland had not been killed. The bullet, in fact, had only grazed his face and then lodged in a tree. Ziegland surely thought himself a lucky man. Some years later, however, Ziegland decided to cut down the large tree, which still had the bullet in it. The task seemed so formidable that he decided to blow it up with a few sticks of dynamite. The explosion propelled the bullet into Ziegland's head, killing him.
Ann Hodges The only person (on record) to have been hit by a Meteorite
Ann Elizabeth Hodges (1923 - 1972) of Sylacauga, Alabama is the only person of record to have been hit by a meteorite. On November 30, 1954, she was napping on her living room couch when a grapefruit-sized meteoroid crashed through the roof of her house. It bounced off her large wooden console radio, destroying it, and struck her on the arm and hip. She was badly bruised but able to walk.
As it streaked through the atmosphere, the meteor made a fireball visible from three states, even though it fell early in the afternoon. As the first documented case of an extraterrestrial object hitting a person, the event received worldwide publicity. The United States Air Force sent a helicopter to take the meteorite. Hodges' husband, Eugene, hired a lawyer to get it back. The Hodgeses' landlord also claimed it, wanting to sell it to cover the damage to the house. There were offers of up to 5,000 U.S. dollars for the meteorite. By the time the meteorite was returned to the Hodgeses, over a year later, public attention had diminished and they were unable to find a buyer willing to pay much money.
Ms. Hodges was uncomfortable with the public attention and the stress of the dispute over ownership of the meteorite. Against her husband's wishes, she donated it to the Alabama Museum of Natural History. It is an ordinary chondrite stone (H4), and weighs about 8.5 pounds (4 kg). It is on display at the University of Alabama.
Evelyn Adams Won the lottery twice, now lives on a trailer
"Winning the lottery isn't always what it's cracked up to be," says Evelyn Adams, who won the New Jersey lottery not just once, but twice (1985, 1986), to the tune of $5.4 million. Today the money is all gone and Adams lives in a trailer. "I won the American dream but I lost it, too. It was a very hard fall. It's called rock bottom," says Adams.
"Everybody wanted my money. Everybody had their hand out. I never learned one simple word in the English language - 'No.' I wish I had the chance to do it all over again. I'd be much smarter about it now," says Adams, who also lost money at the slot machines in Atlantic City. "I was a big-time gambler," admits Adams. "I didn't drop a million dollars, but it was a lot of money. I made mistakes, some I regret, some I don't. I'm human. I can't go back now so I just go forward, one step at a time."
I woke up this morning and there was a black coffin outside my door..... So I gave him a packet of Lockets and told him to fuck off....
I went to the cemetery yesterday, there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin. 3 hours later they were still walking around with it.
I thought to myself : "These Fuckers have lost the plot"
Christiano Ronaldo goes to the doctors and says "doctor every time I look in the mirror I get turned on" the doctor says "I'm not surprised you're a cunt!"
Why did Cristiano Ronaldo want a transfer to Tottenham Hotspur? Because he heard their strikers were Bent and Keane.
A girl was granted 2 wishes, so she wished for bigger tits and with a woosh her 32A went to 38DD, so for her second wish she asked for a tight cunt, so she will ring you later
How do you know if you`ve passed an elephant in the dark? It won’t flush away and you cant get the seat down!
Two abo's are standing on a cliff one holding a didge the other holding a boomerang, they both jump off at the same time, who wins? Society.
What's the difference between an abo and a park bench? A park bench can support a family.
If you had a poofter on your back, would you leave him there or pull him off?
Why have elephants got 4 feet? Cos they'd look fucking stupid with 3 inches!
Exercise for those over 50 (give or take a few years)
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married — for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. ‘He’s a funeral director,’ she answered. ‘Interesting,’ the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, later on a preacher when in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go…………..
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office.As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he shouts.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said."Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered.The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly."And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30.He is persuaded to have a medical exam first."Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit," he says to the doctor."Okay," says the medic, "let me see your sex organs."So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it."
An elderly couple are having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. During desert, the old man leans over and says to his wife, “Dear, there’s something I have to ask you. It’s always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of the kids. I must know: Did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look at her husband. “Yes,” she admits. “He does.” Tears well up in the old man’s eyes. “Please,” he says, “would you tell me who it was?” The woman pauses while mustering her courage. Then she says, “You.”
Mrs Norty and I are about to become grand parents for the 4th time in the next couple of months, Other readers are likely to follow in the not to distant future, so I thought it was time to compile some of our most useful parenting know-how into one easy-to-access pile. So to speak. To accomodate these new and soon-to-be parents’ sudden micro-attention spans, I’ve put it in the form of simple bulleted lists.
Fluids — Babies arrive wet with various fluids, and this sets the tone for their first year of life:
·You are now going to have vomit on you. This is not exactly permanent, but you should settle in for the long-term. Accepting this will be an important step.
·When you cease being covered with vomit you won’t notice for a while.
·‘Vomit’ here is typically a curd-like product resembling yogurt. You may stop eating yogurt for a while.
·You should visit a 24-hour dairy in order to acclimate yourself to the most important new parenting role of yourself or your wife.
·Male or female, you will doubtless laugh the first time your child urinates directly into your face, but this will wear thin after a few weeks and you will start fantasizing about your child’s 18th birthday.
·Poop can be a fluid and as such can be sprayed across a moderately-sized room.
·When the teeth start coming, you will not be able to believe the amount of drool one small human can produce. Seriously, this is what it feels like to have a mini Niagara Falls right onto your shoulder.
·Contrary to advertising, babies do perspire, and should be flipped backwards and forwards occasionally to allow evaporation.
·In spite of all this moisture, babies generally smell really nice, especially the drier parts of their heads. You will miss this smell when it’s gone.
Poop — If you and your partner are still talking to each other after all this, most of your conversations will be about poop, so it’s important to have some basics down:
·The poop of a newborn looks almost exactly like whole-grain mustard, but does not taste exactly the same. You might consider switching to horseradish for a few months.
Leisure and hobbies — No, this is not a cruel joke. Okay, maybe it is.
·Expect your leisure time to be severely curtailed, mainly because any time which previously was more or less free will now be taken up with hollow laughs and comments such as ‘Leisure time! HA don’t make me laugh!’.
·Even the smallest babies can be mesmerized by the glow of a television, so this is one area of your leisure activities which need not be impinged upon. Providing you are an avid follower of the Teletubbies.
·Once the baby has fallen asleep for the evening, your regular, pre-baby activities can resume. For eleven minutes.
·However exciting your hobbies were before the baby came, looking at its face will be better. Note: this is true of the firstborn child only.
Out and about — Sometimes it’s completely unavoidable!
·You don’t go out anymore.
·If you do go out, your child’s behavior will make you wish you had not. Instead of cringing and apologizing, try to think of yourself as providing a public service by acting as a walking advertisement for birth control.
·A trip to the supermarket will take on the logistical complications of landing 154,000 men on the shores of Normandy.
Clothing and appearance — Yours are no longer important.
·Little known fact: during the first six months, all parents receive a waiver releasing them from having to wear things right-side-out. Take advantage of this.
·No matter how cute you think it is when your toddler puts on your shoes and pretends to be you, the cuteness of this scene when shared drops away according to the following formula:
Female parent of child under 4: 50% cuteness Male parent of child of under 4: 25% cuteness Female non-parent: 15% cuteness Male non-parent: 5% cuteness
·Many parents think it’s cute to dress their tiny newborns in onesies with the logos of obscure, hard-core 80’s punk bands on them. Feel free not to bother.
·Hand-me-downs rule.
·It may bug the living shit out of you to have complete strangers mistaking your little girl/boy for a little boy/girl. Try dressing them in nothing but blue or pink (as appropriate). Or you could just get over it and stop imposing your gender roles.
Your New Life — Things will never be the same again!
·Your lower back will never be in better condition than it is today. Enjoy it!
·As your child grows into a toddler, your ability to reason with cats will doubtless improve.
·Don’t forget: it is possible to become pregnant while nursing. “Safe” sex will take on a whole new meaning, and your attitude toward acceptable risk will see some subtle changes.
· Everything you do when baby arrives, is vastly more important than it was before. But no pressure.
