Tuesday, October 09, 2007
THE DIANA JURY
| DIANA JURY TO SPEND WEEK IN LEOPARD PRINT SWIMSUIT | | |
The having it off venue
THE jury hearing the inquest into the murder of Princess Diana by MI6 is to spend the rest of the week diving off a yacht on the Cote d’Azur while wearing a leopard print swimsuit.
It will spend Friday night roaring along the Cannes sea front in an open top sports car to the restaurant Le Caprice where it will dine on lobster and caviar before later having it off with an Egyptian gentleman, also on a yacht.
At the weekend the jury’s focus will switch to Africa where it will cuddle some AIDS orphans while wearing too much eye make-up and then make some naïve comments about land mines.
A spokesman for the coroner said that adopting Diana’s lifestyle would give the jury an intuitive understanding of why it was Prince Phillip had ordered her death at the hands of the secret service. “Her spirit will reveal the truth,” he said.
“I think he was driven to do it by her doing that looking up through the fringe thing all the time. Hair loss often drives men insane. I can’t believe it was just for shagging Egyptians. Even if he is Greek,” he added.
After returning from Africa the jury is scheduled to do a photo-shoot with Mario Testino and then spend four hours a day on the phone to the Daily Mail boring its reporters rigid.
Once back in London the entire jury will undergo colonic irrigation and have an affair with Will Carling. It will also smuggle heart surgeons into its private apartments in the boot of its car.
Finally, the jury will be driven at high speed into the 13th pillar of the Pont de l’Alma tunnel by a drunk and suicidal double agent after first having their seatbelts unfastened by Sir John Scarlett, head of MI6, using his laser guided seatbelt undoing machine.
“If they still don’t get the message I suppose we will just have to give them the secret Cabinet papers setting out the whole plan,” the coroner’s spokesman said.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Thursday, October 04, 2007
QUICKIES
1. I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought I thought- "That's Abbariginal"
2. I told my girlfriend that I had got a job in a Bowling Alley. She said "Tenpin". I said "No-permanent"
3. I went to a pet shop and asked "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said "Do you want an aquarium?" I said "I don't care what star sign it is"
4. I was at a garden centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagon with no driver.
5. I bought some Armageddon cheese the other day. It said on the packet "Best before end".
6. I went into Currys the other day and asked "Can someone sell me a kettle?" The bloke said "Kenwood". I said "Where is he then?"
7. My mate is in love with two school-bags. He's bi-satchel.
8. I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
9. The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I would'nt do it if you paid me".
10. I told my mum that I had just opened a theatre. She said "Are you having me on?" I said "Well I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything".
11. This cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says "Audi"
12.I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said "Nearest the bull goes first". He went "Baah", I went "Moo". He said "You're nearest, you start".
13. I bought a train ticket to France the other day and the ticket seller said "Eurostar?" I said "Well I've been on telly once but I'm no Frank Sinatra"
14. I phoned the local gym and asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. The guy said "How flexible are you?" I said "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays"
15. I went to the local video shop and asked the guy "Can I take out the Elephant Man?" He said "He's not your type". I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever". He said "No-you'll have to bring it back tomorrow".
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Monday, October 01, 2007
10 WEIRDEST DISEASES IN THE WORLD
1?Elephantiasis: grossly enlarged members
Lymphatic filariasis, also known as elephantiasis, is best known from dramatic photos of people with grossly enlarged or swollen arms and legs. The disease is caused by parasitic worms, including Wuchereria bancrofti, Brugia malayi, and B. timori, all transmitted by mosquitoes. Lymphatic filariasis currently affects 120 million people worldwide, and 40 million of these people have serious disease. When an infected female mosquito bites a person, she may inject the worm larvae, called microfilariae, into the blood. The microfilariae reproduce and spread throughout the bloodstream, where they can live for many years. Often disease symptoms do not appear until years after infection. As the parasites accumulate in the blood vessels, they can restrict circulation and cause fluid to build up in surrounding tissues. The most common, visible signs of infection are excessively enlarged arms, legs, genitalia, and breasts.
2、Progeria: the 80-Year-Old Children
Progeria is caused by a single tiny defect in a child’s genetic code, but it has devastating and life-changing consequences. On average, a child born with this disease will be dead by the age of 13. As they see their bodies fast forward through the normal process of ageing they develop striking physical symptoms, often including premature baldness, heart disease, thinning bones and arthritis. Progeria is extremely rare, there are only around 48 people living with it in the whole world. However, there is a family that has five children with the disease.
3、Werewolf Syndrome: the wolf people
When two year-old Abys DeJesus grew dark, hairy patches on her face, doctors said she has a condition known as Human Werewolf Syndrome. The disease is called werewolf syndrome because people with it look like werewolves - except without the sharp teeth and claws. In Mexico, a large family of men had hair that covered their faces and upper bodies. Two brothers were even offered a part in the X-Files but they turned down the offer.
4、Blue Skin Disorder: the blue people
A large family simply known as the “blue people” lived in the hills around Troublesome Creek in Kentucky until the 1960s. They were the blue Fugates. Most of them lived past the age of 80, with no serious illness - just blue skin. The trait was passed on from generation to generation. People with this condition have blue, plum, indigo or almost purple skin.
5、Pica: the urge to eat non-food substances
People diagnosed with Pica have an insatiable urge to eat non-food substances like dirt, paper, glue and clay. Though it is believed to be linked with mineral deficiency, health experts have found no real cause and no cure for this disorder.
6、Vampire Disease: pain from the sun
There are people out there who go to great lengths to avoid the sun. If they are caught in the sun, their skin will blister. Some of them have pain and blistering as soon as the sun touches their skin. Ok, so they’re not actually vampires. They don’t drink blood and sleep in coffins, but they do suffer from a rare disease that has vampire-like symptoms.
7、Alice in Wonderland syndrome: time, space and body image are distorted
Alice in Wonderland syndrome (AIWS), or micropsia, is a disorienting neurological condition which affects human visual perception. Subjects perceive humans, parts of humans, animals, and inanimate objects as substantially smaller than in reality. Generally, the object perceived appears far away or extremely close at the same time. For example, a family pet, such as a dog, may appear the size of a mouse, or a normal car may look shrunk to scale. This leads to another name for the condition, Lilliput sight or Lilliputian hallucinations, named after the small people in Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels. The condition is in terms of perception only; the mechanics of the eye are not affected, only the brain’s interpretation of information passed from the eyes.
8、Blaschko’s lines: strange stripes all over the body
Blaschko’s lines are an extremely rare and unexplained phenomenon of human anatomy first presented in 1901 by German dermatologist Alfred Blaschko. Neither a specific disease nor a predictable symptom of a disease, Blaschko’s lines are an invisible pattern built into human DNA. Many inherited and acquired diseases of the skin or mucosa manifest themselves according to these patterns, creating the visual appearance of stripes. The cause of the stripes is thought to result from mosaicism; they do not correspond to nervous, muscular, or lymphatic systems. What makes them more remarkable is that they correspond quite closely from patient to patient, usually forming a “V” shape over the spine and “S” shapes over the chest, stomach, and sides.
9、Walking Corpse Syndrome: they believe to have died
It is a syndrome of mental depression and suicidal tendencies, in which the patient complains of having lost everything: possessions, part of or entire body, often believing that he or she has died and is a walking corpse. This delusion is usually expanded to the degree that the patient might claim that he can smell his own rotting flesh and feel worms crawling through his skin. The latter phenomenon is a recurring experience of people chronically deprived of sleep or suffering amphetamine/cocaine psychosis. Paradoxically, being “dead” often gives the patient the nation of being immortal.
10、Jumping frenchman disorder: weird reflexes
The main characteristic is that patients are extremely startled by an unexpected noise or sight. It’s not just twitching when someone sneaks up behind you. Patients with this disorder flail their arms, cry out and repeat words. First identified in some of Maine’s lumberjacks of French-Canadian origin, the odd reflex has been identified in other parts of the world, too.
Friday, September 28, 2007
3D SWIMMING POOLS
WHY HAVE A BORING SWIMMING POOL, WHEN WITH A LITTLE IMAGINATION YOU CAN HAVE THE MOSAIC GUYS GIVE YOU SOMETHING SPECIAL.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
ASK MRS NORTY....
Dear Mrs. Norty
I love my boyfriends very much, but all is not well in the bedroom department. One of them suffers from premature ejaculation, three of them have problems sustaining an erection, while two more can’t even get it up in the first place. Another has the tiniest winkie I have ever seen and the other six are basically just crap in bed. In fact my husband is just about the only one who can get off the starting grid without going all floppy or spilling all his man chowder on the carpet. Unfortunately, he is away every other fortnight working on the rigs. What am I to do?
Frankly pissed off,
Farnham
Mrs. Norty says: Dear Frankly,
What a sorry tale, and one that gives a whole new meaning to the phrase: two weeks on, two weeks off. Having said that, I understand your frustration: there seems little point in having a stream of gentleman callers during your husband’s absence if not a single one of them can flame grill your fur burger, so to speak. Bu,t what to do? Instructing them all in the art of lovemaking would be terribly time consuming, but I would not advise getting them around for a group training session unless you put down some plastic sheeting first. I suppose you could try going without for a couple of weeks while hubby is away, but that does seem a pretty drastic option, and most definitely a last resort. I see you have limited yourself to 13 illicit lovers. Perhaps you are being a bit too picky. Play the field a bit more like any normal married woman and I am sure you’ll eventually come across one hunk who will really get your roast beef sizzling. Good luck!
I am a 16 year-old lad and I think I am becoming confused about my sexuality, although I can’t say for sure. For some years now I have been binge-wanking over the ladies girdle section of my mum’s Freeman’s catalogue. However, while playing the fleshy clarinet with some gusto last week I turned the pages so quickly that, before I knew it, I had run out of ladies and so ‘accidentally’ loosed off my love porridge all over a man in some pale blue Y-fronts; and I was not sick afterwards. I also read the other day that chafing causes gayness, although it could be the other way around. Anyway, I have a small red patch at the top of my right leg. Am I gay, or are my trousers too tight for cycling?
Confused,
Cumbernauld.
Mrs. Norty: Dear Confused,
It is often said that most young men of your age will go through a phase at which they are unsure of their sexuality and fear they might turn out to be demented perverts. Utter rubbish! Most lads of your age are perfectly normal and healthy and have no interest in fiddling with the parts of their fellow men. Yuk. Indeed, even by your tender age a huge number are experienced lovers capable of showing the divorced older woman what she was missing all those years she spent murmuring words of encouragement to the now, thankfully departed, Mr Floppy. It should not be too hard to work out if you are a sexual deviant or not. Have you ever been to see the Wizard of Oz or the Sound of Music while wearing a dress? Do your hands flop forward at the wrist? Do you enjoy ball games? Do you like cock? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the above you are definitely a degenerate sex fiend, although you might just be a member of the local rugby team.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
JOSE AND ALEX
In the bathroom yesterday morning, I heard my left testicle chatting away. Jose is the best manager in history. A minute later, the right one joined in. No he’s not Alex Ferguson is. Concerned, I went straight to my doctor. He listened to them for a moment and said I had nothing to worry about, they were just talking bollocks.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
MY KIND OF POLICE FORCE
Florida’s got it right. Bravo for Sheriff Judd!!!
A good answer.
As reported earlier this week, some dirtbag who got pulled over
in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up “executing”
the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times,
including once behind his right ear at close range.
Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A statewide manhunt ensued.
The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun.
SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.
Now here’s the kicker:
Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times.
Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel -
“That’s all the bullets we had.”
(Talk about an all time classic answer!!!)
A good answer.
As reported earlier this week, some dirtbag who got pulled over
in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up “executing”
the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times,
including once behind his right ear at close range.
Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A statewide manhunt ensued.
The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun.
SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.
Now here’s the kicker:
Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times.
Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel -
“That’s all the bullets we had.”
(Talk about an all time classic answer!!!)
HOLIDAY IN AUSTRALIA
Oh my God!!!!
READ THE TEXT FIRST
then look at the pick…….
Family on holiday in Australia for a week and a half when husband, wife and their 15 year old son decided to go scuba diving. The husband is in the navy and has had some scuba experience. His son wanted a pic of his mum and dad in all their gear so got the
underwater camera on the go. When it came to taking the pic the dad realized that the son look like he was panicking as he took it and the “OK” hand sign to see if he was alright.The son took the pic and swam to the surface and back to the boat as quick as he could so the mum and dad followed to see if he was OK.they got back to him he was scrambling onto the boat and absolutely shitting himself. When the parents asked why he said “there was a shark behind you” the dad thought he was joking but the skipper of the boat said it was true and that they wouldn’t believe him if he told them what it was. As soon as they got back to the hotel they put the pic onto the laptop this is what they saw.
Try and tell me you wouldn’t have emptied your entire digestive right at the point you saw it and would you have stayed to take the picture??
CORRECT PARKERS NEAR EXTINCTION.....
DRIVERS who can position their car in the middle of a parking space at a supermarket are sliding closer to extinction, conservationists have warned.
Research teams have recorded a sharp decline in numbers over the last decade, despite strenuous efforts to educate the public about how easy it is to just put your fucking car in the middle of a parking space.Yet another symptom of climate change? Or is he just an unspeakable bastard who deserves to die?
Dr Tom Logan, head of species protection at the WWF, said: "There is a series of white lines separated by spaces roughly the same width as a car, plus a little bit more. Let's think of that as the first Great Big Fucking Clue shall we?
"As we approach, we then have to ask ourselves: 'do I park on the white line, do I straddle the white line or do I get my huge, chocolate-covered face out of my fat, greedy, unwashed arse and just put the fucking car in the middle of the fucking space?'"
Conservationists have blamed the crisis on a combination of poaching, loss of habitat and an unbelievable fucking selfishness by a bunch of total and complete bastards who deserve to die on a spike.
"There are now less than 50 people in the UK who are able to do this," said Dr Logan. "That's not just a tragedy for our planet, it's doing my fucking head in every time I go to Homebase."
WWF warned that drivers who can park in the middle of a space will soon share the fate of people who knew not to park four feet from the fucking kerb, extinct since 1993.
Dr Logan added: "A fucking mountain gorilla could do this with its fucking eyes shut, but for some reason the average British motorist seems to think every car park in the world was made just for them.
"Anyway, the point is we need more money."
Friday, September 14, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
THE FEMALE DEMERIT SYSTEM... A GUIDE
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the system is set up.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed. (+1)
* You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
* You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5) In the rain. (+8) But return with Beer. (-5)
* You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
* You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)
* It's her pet. (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a college buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has silicone implants. (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner.. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2) And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2) It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter; you have one too." (-8000)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
[Yes, you lose points no matter what]
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response. (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes.(+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
PAVAROTTI JOKES
Ive had a phone call from the Pavarotti family so I got to work....
I bought a sheet of wood £5.65, glue £1.90, screws £1.50 and some varnish 80p...
You see you can make a coffin for a tenor.......
Ive just been on Ebay and there floggin two Pavarotti tickets for a tenor.....
Following the death of Pavarotti the three tenors will now be known as twenty quid....
I can sympathise with the Italians after the death of Pavorotti
I know what it's like to lose a tenner...
The undertaker hung up.............
They have ordered an extra large funeral car for Pavoritti....
It's the Nissan Dorma....
What is Pavarotti's wife getting for Christmas?
A smaller turkey...
Monday, September 10, 2007
ASK MRS.NORTY....
Dear Mrs Norty,
I go out drinking with my girl pals every night after work. We tend to get really hammered down the pub and afterwards pick up blokes in town before heading off for a quick knee trembler in the nearest alleyway. Most times I get a bit of a seeing too from some bloke and a free kebab, which normally lasts longer than he does. I don’t like to speak with my mouthful, as it is unladylike, so when they finish before I’m through with my donner I usually don’t get their names. Do you have any tips on how to get chilli sauce stains out of your crop top?
Hot stuff,
Haddington
Mrs Norty says
Is that what modern womanhood has come too? Quick sex with a different stranger every night in some filthy back alley? Sounds fantastic. Back in my day we had commitment and marriage, and quick sex with the same man every night in the same bloody position in the same boring old bedroom. So all that campaigning in the Seventies was not wasted after all. Try Vanish.
Thanks for finally getting round to writing to me, although judging by the shocking state of your handwriting this one was knocked off extremely quickly in the stationary cupboard, much like yourself. Slam the door on his nadgers? What kind of advice is that from professional agony aunts? That whole bollock door slam routine went out with the ark. Go round to his house, cut the crotch out of all his trousers and paint “Simon shags secretaries” on the wall in the living room. Torch his car in the drive and post a picture of his pathetic privates on the internet. Is that what you wanted to hear? No? Well, try writing to me first in future. In the meantime try Dear Deirdre. She’s just happy to get any letters at all.
I go out drinking with my girl pals every night after work. We tend to get really hammered down the pub and afterwards pick up blokes in town before heading off for a quick knee trembler in the nearest alleyway. Most times I get a bit of a seeing too from some bloke and a free kebab, which normally lasts longer than he does. I don’t like to speak with my mouthful, as it is unladylike, so when they finish before I’m through with my donner I usually don’t get their names. Do you have any tips on how to get chilli sauce stains out of your crop top?
Hot stuff,
Haddington
Mrs Norty says
Is that what modern womanhood has come too? Quick sex with a different stranger every night in some filthy back alley? Sounds fantastic. Back in my day we had commitment and marriage, and quick sex with the same man every night in the same bloody position in the same boring old bedroom. So all that campaigning in the Seventies was not wasted after all. Try Vanish.
I HAVE embarked on an illicit affair with my boss Simon at work. He is married and though he says he loves me I think he is just kidding on. He won’t meet me outside the office, our few snatched moments together take place in the stationary cupboard where it’s a quick knee trembler then back to our desks. My friends say he is just using me for sex. I wrote to Trinny and Susanna and they agreed and told me dump him, but only after first slamming his bollocks in the cupboard door at our next little tryst. Have you got any better advice? The shaggin' is just out of this world!
Orgasmic,
Ormiston
Thanks for finally getting round to writing to me, although judging by the shocking state of your handwriting this one was knocked off extremely quickly in the stationary cupboard, much like yourself. Slam the door on his nadgers? What kind of advice is that from professional agony aunts? That whole bollock door slam routine went out with the ark. Go round to his house, cut the crotch out of all his trousers and paint “Simon shags secretaries” on the wall in the living room. Torch his car in the drive and post a picture of his pathetic privates on the internet. Is that what you wanted to hear? No? Well, try writing to me first in future. In the meantime try Dear Deirdre. She’s just happy to get any letters at all.
GLASGOWS BID
HE encapsulates modern Glasgow and extends a warm Scottish welcome to the world: He's Mungo the Shit-Faced Octopus.
Glasgow City Council yesterday unveiled the £1.2 million logo which they hope will charm and excite the Commonwealth Games selection committee.Mungo the Shit-Faced Octopus
"Ten years ago we might have gone for a little Scottie dog or even a cheeky wee haggis," said a council spokesman.
"The fact that we've chosen a shit-faced octopus shows just how much Glasgow has embraced the 21st Century."
Wayne Hayes, of design company Conceptomatix, explained the thinking behind the new brand.
"He's called Mungo, because Mungo is the name of our managing director.
"He's blue because of Glasgow's proud maritime tradition. He's under water because for millions of years the Glasgow area was completely submerged. He has eight legs because he's an octopus. And he's shit-faced because he's a Glaswegian octopus."
Conceptomatix is one of the UK's hottest young design agencies. Last year only 38% of their logo designs led to fits and seizures by members of the public.
The Nigerian capital Abuja, Glasgow's rival for the 2014 Games, unveiled its mascot last week. The city is pinning its hopes on 'Pipey', a six foot stretch of the Nigerian State Oil Corporation pipeline.
CONVERT ANYTHING
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Monday, September 03, 2007
REAL FAMILY FEUD ANSWERS
Real Family Feud Answers
Actual answers given by contestants in the game show Family Feud:
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorize - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A conman
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jock
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it - Window
A non living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod
Something you open other than a door - Your Bowels
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
TODAY'S JOKES
Three friends from the local congregation were asked: "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man".
Ernest commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives".
Bob said: "I'd like them to say, "Look...... he's moving!"
Smith climbs to the top of
Smith then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute".
This truck driver sits down in a diner and orders dinner. When the waitress brings his plate, he notices that she has got her thumb in his mashed potatoes. He says, "Hey, you've got your thumb in my mashed
potatoes." The waitress replies, "The doctor said I have arthritis and I should keep my thumb warm." The truck driver says, "Well you dumb bitch, why don't you stick your thumb up your ass!"
She says, "I do when that when I'm in the kitchen......"
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. “Well,” explained the husband, “it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the
The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.
”Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one just as if it’s your own.”
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.“This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”
“What’s the curse?” the man asked.
“Mr. Klopman.”
A little girl walks in to the bathroom one Sunday morning while her
Dad is sitting on the stool reading the paper.
"Where does pooh come from?" she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already
asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good
stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to
the toilet, and that is poo."
The little girl looks perplexed, and stares him in stunned silence for a few
seconds and asks: "And what about Tigger?"
Black Hurricanes
It appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about.
A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in Language that street people can understand because one of the problems in
I can hear it now: A weatherman in
"Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo' Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!"
Monday, August 27, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
TRUE STORIES
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions."
Now fast forward a few months.... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!"
I was flying from
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, and SUPERSIZE”. That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misinterpreted the word "tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB, OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
Last summer, down on
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THE BABY PHOTOGRAPHER
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a proxy or surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs.Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it,," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling-I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment ?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??".
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs.Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it,," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling-I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment ?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??".
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
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