BAD FEMALE LP COVERS

with thanks to www.bizarrerecords.com/gallery.html

PROBLEM SOLVING CHART

SAD BASTARDS OF THE WEEK

PHOTOGRAPHER TAKING CHANCES

CAN YOU SEE THE FROG?

NOW LOOK AT THE WHOLE PICTURE... CAN YOU SEE THE FROG?

YOU WANT A DAY OFF?

A Day Off

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per ear, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day

TODAYS JOKES

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending £65.00 on make-up. And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back

A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to England.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr Englishman for letting me in this country!" But the passerby says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani".
The man goes on and encounters another passerby.
"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England!" The person says
"I not English. I am from Hong Kong".
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful England!" That person puts up his hand andsays "I am from Iran, I am not English".
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an English citizen?". She says, "No, I am from Romania!"
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the English?" The Romanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs and says .....
"Probably at work".

Tony Blair is at his weekly meeting with The Queen, when he turns round and says: "As I'm the PM, I'm thinking of changing how the Country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom", to which the Queen replies,
"I'm sorry Mr Blair, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge ........ and you're not a King." Tony Blair thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?" to which the Queen replied "Sorry again, but to be a Principality, you have to be a Prince ............ and you're not a Prince, Mr Blair".
Again, Blair thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little pissed off by now replied "Sorry again, Mr Blair, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge ............. and you are not an Emperor."
Before Tony Blair could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think we're doing quite nicely as a Country" ...

BABY WIGS

IF YOU ARE GOING TO ASIA, DON'T BUY YOUR DAUGHTER AN ICE CREAM

:
:
:
:
:
:

YOU SHOULDN'T LAUGH.... BUT

Blind man was 'dangerous driver'

A blind man, who lost his eyes in a bomb blast, has been convicted of dangerous driving after police spotted his car on the wrong side of the road.

Omed Aziz, 31, was being aided as he drove through Oldbury, West Midlands, by an allegedly banned driver in the passenger seat.

Warley magistrates were told he reached speeds of up to 35mph on the half-mile trip in April.

Aziz, of Oldbury, who denied dangerous driving, will be sentenced next Monday.

At a previous hearing, Iraqi-born Aziz pleaded guilty to driving with no MOT, no licence and no insurance.

Mr Aziz was fully aware of his disabilities and we find the driver was in a dangerous, defective state Richard Knight, chairman of the bench

Aziz is also partially deaf and suffers from leg tremors.

Richard Knight, chairman of the bench at Warley Magistrates Court, said Aziz was aware of the risk he posed to others.

"Mr Aziz was fully aware of his disabilities and we find the driver was in a dangerous, defective state," he said.

Aziz and his friend were arrested on 23 April at about 2300 BST after police followed their car along Oldbury Ringway and into West Bromwich Street, Pc Glyn Austin told the court.

He said: "I attempted to speak to the driver, who appeared to be fumbling around with the controls.

'No eyes'

"At that point the passenger leaned across and stated: 'He's blind'".

Another officer, Pc Stuart Edge, who was present at that time, told magistrates the vehicle had crossed a white hazard line on to the wrong side of the road just before being stopped.

Pc Edge said: "I asked him if he could see me. He removed the dark-coloured sunglasses he was wearing and I could clearly see he was blind as he had no eyes."

Aziz, who said he had previous driving experience prior to being blinded in his homeland, was present in court and was helped around by an interpreter.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/west_midlands/5313370.stm

THIS WEEKS SAD BASTARDS

DON'T LOOK DOWN

HOME WANTED FOR MY BROTHER

My brother has split from his wife, and he has moved in with us. Now I don't mind the fact that he is a bit overweight, or the fact that his habits are a questionable. It's just that he has taken over the couch, and seems to spend his time dreaming. But while he's there, the kids are forced to sit on the floor.

If you have a spare room and are willing to take him in, I'm willing to pay his first months rent.

I have enclosed a photograph, so you will recognise him when he calls round.

:
:
:
:
:
:
:

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE SEXY....WRONG!!

20 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT DEATH

1 The practice of burying the dead may date back 350,000 years, as evidenced by a 45-foot-deep pit in Atapuerca, Spain, filled with the fossils of 27 hominids of the species Homo heidelbergensis, a possible ancestor of Neanderthals and modern humans.

2 Never say die: There are at least 200 euphemisms for death, including "to be in Abraham's bosom," "just add maggots," and "sleep with the Tribbles" (a Star Trek favorite).

3 No American has died of old age since 1951.

4 That was the year the government eliminated that classification on death certificates.

5 The trigger of death, in all cases, is lack of oxygen. Its decline may prompt muscle spasms, or the "agonal phase," from the Greek word agon, or contest.

6 Within three days of death, the enzymes that once digested your dinner begin to eat you. Ruptured cells become food for living bacteria in the gut, which release enough noxious gas to bloat the body and force the eyes to bulge outward.

7 So much for recycling: Burials in America deposit 827,060 gallons of embalming fluid—formaldehyde, methanol, and ethanol—into the soil each year. Cremation pumps dioxins, hydrochloric acid, sulfur dioxide, and carbon dioxide into the air.

8 Alternatively . . . A Swedish company, Promessa, will freeze-dry your body in liquid nitrogen, pulverize it with high-frequency vibrations, and seal the resulting powder in a cornstarch coffin. They claim this "ecological burial" will decompose in 6 to 12 months.

9 Zoroastrians in India leave out the bodies of the dead to be consumed by vultures.

10 The vultures are now dying off after eating cattle carcasses dosed with diclofenac, an anti-inflammatory used to relieve fever in livestock.

11 Queen Victoria insisted on being buried with the bathrobe of her long-dead husband, Prince Albert, and a plaster cast of his hand.

12 If this doesn't work, we're trying in vitro! In Madagascar, families dig up the bones of dead relatives and parade them around the village in a ceremony called famadihana. The remains are then wrapped in a new shroud and reburied. The old shroud is given to a newly married, childless couple to cover the connubial bed.

13 During a railway expansion in Egypt in the 19th century, construction companies unearthed so many mummies that they used them as fuel for locomotives.

14 Well, yeah, there's a slight chance this could backfire: English philosopher Francis Bacon, a founder of the scientific method, died in 1626 of pneumonia after stuffing a chicken with snow to see if cold would preserve it.

15 For organs to form during embryonic development, some cells must commit suicide. Without such programmed cell death, we would all be born with webbed feet, like ducks.

16 Waiting to exhale: In 1907 a Massachusetts doctor conducted an experiment with a specially designed deathbed and reported that the human body lost 21 grams upon dying. This has been widely held as fact ever since. It's not.

17 Buried alive: In 19th-century Europe there was so much anecdotal evidence that living people were mistakenly declared dead that cadavers were laid out in "hospitals for the dead" while attendants awaited signs of putrefaction.

18 Eighty percent of people in the United States die in a hospital.

19 If you can't make it here . . . More people commit suicide in New York City than are murdered.

20 It is estimated that 100 billion people have died since humans began.

---

MORON OF THE MONTH

MORE JOKES FOR NORTYGORDY SNR....

Bono is at a U2 concert when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, stop fucking clapping then!"

Elton John is getting a divorce.
He found out his husband was having sex behind his back.

Guard: "What would you like?"
Harold Shipman: "A nice whiskey would be great"
Guard: "What would you like?"
Myra Hindley: "I'd love some red wine"
Guard: "What would you like?"
Fred West: "I could murder some Tennants"

What's the difference between Joan Collins and a KitKat?
You'll only get four fingers in a KitKat.

Why is John Prescott like an Ikea flat pack?
Two screws in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.

Two Irish skiers are at the top of a mountain - and they don't know whether to ski down zig zag or zag zig...
So they go up to a guy stood on the top of the mountain and ask him - Do we go down here zig zag or zag zig. The guy replies - I don't know, I'm a Toboganist.
To which one of the Micks says 'Fuck it - give me 20 Benson and Hedges'.

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

I went to the zoo.
There was only one dog there.
It was a shitzu.

UGLY DANCERS

TRICKY QUESTIONS

FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky maths. Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Take 1000 and add 40. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

FOURTH QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

ANSWERS

Q1: If you answered that by overtaking the second person you were first, you were absolutely wrong. If you overtake the second person and take his place, you are second.
Q2. Can you please explain how you can overtake the LAST person?
Q3 I'm afraid I answered 5000 to this question:

The correct answer is actually 4100. Check with your calculator.
Q4 Nunu? Nana? Nene? Of course not. The fifth daughter's name is Mary.

RUDE NURSERY RHYMES

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides,
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front,
...but she didn't wear that one very often.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
but Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead."

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said, "Fuck him, he's only an egg."

Mary had a little lamb.
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie pudding 'n pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
he kissed them too, 'cause he’s funny that way.

THE POTTY PUTTER

If you know someone who is golf mad or just needs the practice, have we found the perfect gift?






get it here www.boysstuff.co.uk/product.asp?id=13569&src=Home

TOP TIPS

BASEBALL cap manufacturers. Save the wearer the bother of turning your caps round by putting the peak on the other side.

PARENTS Each week count the contents of your cutlery drawer. This way you can quickly identify if any spoons or knives have gone missing that could potentially be used to administer illegal drugs or commit violent crime.

CELEBRATE the birthday of a friend or relative by making your own Happy Birthday banner and strapping it to a roundabout. Motorists are always grateful to be informed of the age of someone they have never met.

DOCTORS. Tired of licking stamps? Simply attach your stamps to the underside of your tongue stick before the patient says "Aah." Hey presto! Free saliva.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

BIRD FLU could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.

LADY drivers. Draw a little diagram on a Post-it showing the position of the hand brake and gearstick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green.

thanks to Viz www.viz.co.uk/

THE KNITTED CONDOM

Warning: People who use the knitted condom have a much higher risk of pregnancy and STDs. The knitted condom may also cause burning, chaffing, vaginal dryness, loss of errection, and extreme pain. People who want to enjoy sex should not use the knitted condom.

JOKES FOR NORTYGORDY SNR

Two nuns are being attacked and raped in an alley,

One nun looks up the sky and says” dear Lord, forgive them, for they know not what they do”.

The second nun says “Oh God, this fucker does”.

A Jewish boy has been born with no eyelids, doctors came up with the idea of making some out of the foreskin when he was circumcised, but the mother said no, “it might make him cock-eyed”.

A man goes into the chemist and says to the girl behind the counter “have you got any KY jelly”? The girl says “I’m sorry, we’re out of stock, have you tried Boots”? The bloke said “ Jesus love, I want to slide in, not fuckin’ march in”.

What’s the best thing about fingering a fortune teller when she’s having a period?

You get your palm red for nothing.

A tramp walks into a jewellers shop, drops his pants and sticks a finger up his arse.

The jeweler says “you dirty bastard, what do you think you are doing”?

The tramp said “don’t blame me, the sign in your window says….. COME IN, AND PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT”.

What’s the difference between a 69 and driving in thick fog?

When you drive in fog, you can’t see the Arsehole in front of you.

Camilla Parker Bowles goes to her doctor and says “ whenever I suck Charles’s cock, I get indigestion”

The doctor said “have you tried Andrews”?

ANSWER THIS......... IT'S YOUR CHOICE

Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.

Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:
Candidate A
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolf Hitler
If you said yes to the abortion question...
...you just killed Beethoven.

WEDDING REVENGE

WEDDING REVENGE

Here is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.

To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Screw you," he turned to the bride and said "Screw you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.

While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge?

Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.

This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world; we just live in it.

CUSTOMS CRACK SNIFFER DOG

ANYMORE THAN A HANDFULL IS A WASTE

15 STRANGEST COINCIDENCES IN HISTORY

· Mark Twain was born on the day of the appearance of Halley's Comet in 1835, and died on the day of its next appearance in 1910. He himself predicted this in 1909, when he said: "I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it."

· Oregon's Columbian newspaper announced the winning Pick 4 lottery numbers for June 28, 2000 in advance. The newspaper had intended to print the previous set of winning numbers but erroneously printed those for the state of Virginia, namely 6-8-5-5. In the next Oregon lottery, those same numbers were drawn.

· In 1979, the German magazine - Das Besteran - ran a writing competition. Readers sent in unusual stories, but they had to be based on true incidents. The winner, Walter Kellner of Munich, had his story published . He wrote about a time when he was flying a Cessna 421 between Sardinia and Sicily. He encountered engine trouble at sea, landed in the water, spent some time in an emergency dinghy and was then rescued. This story was spotted by an Austrian, also named Walter Kellner, who said that the German Kellner had plagiarized the story. The Austrian Kellner said that he had flown a Cessna 421 over the same sea, experienced engine trouble and was forced to land in Sardinia. It was essentially the same story, with a slightly different ending. The magazine checked both stories, and both turned out to be true, even though they were nearly identical.

· Morgan Robertson's 1898 novella Futility had many parallels with the RMS Titanic disaster; the book concerned a fictional state-of-the-art ocean liner called Titan, which (like the Titanic) eventually collides with an iceberg on a calm April night whilst en route to New York, with many dying because of the lack of lifeboats. Various other details in the book coincide with the Titanic disaster. Later, she wrote a book, Beyond the Spectrum, that described a future war fought with aircraft that carried "sun bombs". Incredibly powerful, one bomb could destroy a city, erupting in a flash of light that blinds all who look at it. The war begins in December, started by the Japanese with a sneak attack on Hawaii.

· On July 28th 1900, the King of Italy Umberto I was having dinner in a restaurant in the city of Monza. It turned out later that the restaurant's owner looked identical to the king. The restaurant owner's name was Umberto, his wife's name was the same as the queen's and the restaurant was opened on the same date as the king's inauguration. The Restaurant-owner Umberto was shot dead the next day. So was King Umberto.

· Claude Volbonne killed Baron Rodemire de Tarazone of France in 1872. 21 years earlier, the Baron's father had been murdered by somebody else called Claude Volbonne.

· On February 13, 1746, a Frenchman, Jean Marie Dubarry, was executed for the murder of his father. Precisely 100 years later, on February 13, 1846, another Frenchman, also named Jean Marie Dubarry, was executed - for the murder of his father.

· On the 26th November, 1911, three men were hanged at Greenberry Hill in London after being convicted of the murder of Sir Edmund Berry. Their names were Green, Berry and Hill.

· The British actor Anthony Hopkins [who shot to fame as Hannibal Lecter] was delighted to hear that he had landed a leading role in a film based on the book The Girl From Petrovka by George Feifer. A few days after signing the contract, Hopkins travelled to London to buy a copy of the book. He tried several bookshops, but there wasn't one to be had. Waiting at Leicester Square underground for his train home, he noticed a book apparently discarded on a bench. Incredibly, it was The Girl From Petrovka. That in itself would have been coincidence enough but in fact it was merely the beginning of an extraordinary chain of events. Two years later, in the middle of filming in Vienna, Hopkins was visited by George Feifer, the author. Feifer mentioned that he did not have a copy of his own book. He had lent the last one - containing his own annotations - to a friend who had lost it somewhere in London. With mounting astonishment, Hopkins handed Feifer the book he had found. 'Is this the one?' he asked, 'with the notes scribbled in the margins?' It was the same book.

· As the inhabitants of Ruthwell, Dumfriesshire, were watching a scene in the film Around the World in 80 Days, where a hot air balloon was about to take off, their TV sets went off due to a power cut. Nearby, power lines had been damaged. A hot air balloon had crashed into them.

· Hernán Cortés' arrival in Mexico in 1519 coincided with the year in the Mayan Calendar when it was predicted that the pale-faced man-god Quetzalcoatl would return to reclaim the city of Tenochtitlán. The Aztecs therefore assumed Cortés to be the legendary man-god, which assisted him in capturing the city and thence Mexico.

· A British officer, Major Summerford, while fighting in the fields of Flanders in February 1918 was knocked off his horse by a flash of lightning and paralyzed from the waist down. Summerford retired and moved to Vancouver. One day in 1924, as he fished alongside a river, lightning hit the tree he was sitting under and paralyzed his right side. Two years later Summerford was sufficiently recovered that he was able to take walks in a local park. He was walking there one summer day in 1930 when a lightning bolt smashed into him, permanently paralyzing him. He died two years later. But lightning sought him out one last time. Four years later, during a storm, lightning struck a cemetery and destroyed a tombstone. The deceased buried here? Major Summerford.

· In 1899 a bolt of lightning killed a man as he stood in his backyard in Taranto, Italy.
Thirty years later his son was killed in the same way and in the same place.
On October 8, 1949, Rolla Primarda, the grandson of the first victim and the son of the second, became the third.

· The date of the invasion June 6,1944 {6644} reflects the first great invasion associated with Normandy in 1066

· In the first Invasion in 1066 Roger de Montgomery commanded portions of William the Conquerors Forces.

· In the second Invasion 1944 Bernard Montgomery commanded portions of Eisenhower's Forces.

· German General Rommel -Montgomery's adversary in an earlier Campaign in N. Africa Commits suicide on October 14, 1944 {101444}

· The Battle of Hastings took place on October 14 {101466}

· Eisenhower's Birthday was October 14 {101490}

· The first Norman invasion initiated the first major immigration of Jews into Britain.

· The second Norman invasion initiated the chain of events that returned the Jews to Israel

· A. Lincoln and J.F. Kennedy

Life

· Both presidents had 7 letters in their last name.

· Both were over 6' feet tall.

· Both men studied law.

· Both seemed to have lazy eye muscles, which would sometimes cause one to deviate.

· Both suffered from genetic diseases. It is suspected that Lincoln had Marfan's disease, and Kennedy suffered from Addison's disease.

· Both served in the military. Lincoln was a scout captain in the Black Hawk War, and Kennedy served as a navy lieutenant in World War II.

· Both were boat captains. Lincoln was a skipper for the Talisman, a Mississippi River boat, and Kennedy was skipper of the PT 109.

· Both had no fear of their mortality and disdained bodyguards.

· Both often stated how easy it would be to shoot the president. Lincoln supposedly said, "If somebody wants to take my life, there is nothing I can do to prevent it." Kennedy supposedly said "If somebody wants to shoot me from a window with a rifle, nobody can stop it." Note that both these quotes are each 16 words long.

Death

· Both presidents were shot in the head, on a Friday.

· Both were seated beside their wives when shot. Neither Mrs. Lincoln nor Mrs. Kennedy was injured. Both wives held the bullet-torn heads of their husbands.

· In each case, the man was injured but not fatally. Major Henry Rathbone was slashed by a knife, and Governor John Connolly was shot.

· Lincoln sat in Box 7 at Ford's Theatre. Kennedy rode in car 7 in the Dallas motorcade.

· Lincoln was shot at Ford's Theatre. Kennedy was shot in a Ford product, a Lincoln limousine.

· Mrs. Kennedy insisted that her husband's funeral mirror Lincoln's as closely as possible.

The Assassins

· Both assassins used three names: John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald. (It should be noted that Lee Harvey Oswald was known as just Lee Oswald prior to the assassination.)

· There are 15 letters in each assassin's name.

· Both assassins struck when in their mid-twenties. Booth was born in 1838, and Oswald was born in 1939.

· Each assassin lacked a strong father figure in his life. Booth's father died when he was 13 years old, and Oswald's father died before he was born.

· Each assassin had two brothers whose careers he coveted. Booth's two brothers were more successful actors and Oswald envied his brothers' military lives.

· Both assassins were privates in the military. Booth was a private in the Virginia Militia, and Oswald was a private in the Marine Corps.

· Both assassins were born in the south.

· Both assassins were known sympathizers to enemies of the United States. Booth supported the Confederacy and Oswald was a Marxist.

· Both assassins often used aliases. Booth frequently used "J. Wilkes" and Oswald used the name "Alek J. Hidell."

· Booth shot Lincoln at a theatre and was cornered in a warehouse. Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and was cornered in a theatre.

· Each assassin was detained by an officer named Baker. Lt. Luther B. Baker was leader of the cavalry patrol which trapped Booth at Garrett's Barn. Officer Marion L. Baker, a Dallas motorcycle patrolman, briefly detained Oswald on the second floor of the School Book Depository until he learned that he worked there.

· Both assassins were killed with a single shot from a Colt revolver.

· Both assassins were shot in a blaze of light-Booth after the barn was set afire, and Oswald in the form of television cameras.

Family and Friends

· Both presidents were named after their grandfathers.

· Both were born second children.

· Both married while in their thirties. Lincoln married at 33 and Kennedy married at 36.

· Both married dark-haired, twenty-four-year-old women.

· Both wives died around the age of 64. Mary Todd Lincoln died in 1882 at age 63 years and 215 days, and Jackie Kennedy died in 1994 at age 64 years 295 days.

· Both wives were known for their high fashion in clothes.

· Both wives renovated the White House after many years of neglect.

· Each couple had four children, two of whom died before becoming a teen.

· Each couple lost a son while in the White House. Willie Lincoln died at age 12 in 1862, and Kennedy's son Patrick died two days after his birth in 1963.

Politics

· Both presidents were elected to the House of Representatives in '46.

· Both were runners-up for the party's nomination for vice-president in '56.

· Both were elected to the presidency in '60.

Vice-Presidents

· Southern Democrats named Johnson succeeded both Lincoln and Kennedy (Andrew Johnson and Lyndon Baines Johnson.

· Andrew Johnson was born in 1808, and Lyndon Johnson was born in 1908.

· There are six letters in each Johnson's first name.

· Both Johnsons served in the military. Andrew was a brigadier general in the Civil War and Lyndon was a commander in the U.S. Navy during WW2.

· Both Johnsons were former southern senators.

· Both Johnsons had urethral stones, the only presidents to have them.

· Both Johnsons chose not to run for reelection in '68.

JESUS HEALS

Jesus Bandages
Ouch! That smarts! Treat your minor cuts, scrapes and scratches with the incredible healing power of a designer bandage. And if a fancy bandage isn't enough to dry up your tears, how about a FREE TOY! Each 3-3/4" tall metal pocket tin contains fifteen 3" x 1" adhesive bandages and a small plastic trinket to help make even the ouchiest owies feel all better in no time.

Jesus Bandages item 11657 Box of 15 $4.95

If you like this item, check out these other Bandages and Jesus related products:

THE ONLY FOUR BOTTLES YOU WILL NEED IN LIFE

:
:
:
:
:

AND THE WINNER IS.... MISS GREEN

• 
  

• 
  

• 
  

BANNED FROM K-MART

CLICK ON PICTURE TO ENLARGE